It has been ages since I wrote a post. I am feeling the need again lately, just to connect with that place inside myself that I only release through writing. Today has been a day all about teeneagers, and what exactly that means. I remember being a teen...I wasn't a bad kid, but was somewhat rebellious. I didn't have a lot of friends and never went to parties. I do not ever remember thinking my parents were stupid or dumb or idiots, but I am sure that must have happened at some time during my teen years. I liked being at home but I was depressed being a kind of odd kid...I wanted to fit in, but never quite did. Even though I was very involved in clubs and school activities and sports, I never completely fit in to any group. I was probably one of those kids everyone has heard of, but noone really remembers. I kind of think that whole "being" has moved with me through life. At this point, I no longer care about fitting in, though at times i do wish i had more friendships i could nurture. I still have many people I know, but still don't have that group of people I can be totally myself with and don't have to pretend...except for a very special few...
Today I placed a memory on Facebook sharing Jari's signing up with highschool and his school of choice. Within minutes (he was already on the bus on his way to school) I got multiple messages and calls from him demanding that I remove it. I tried to figure out why? What I had done wrong. I am *usually* cautious with what i place connecting his name kowing how he is. In this posting I commented that i was proud of him for his school choice and that he had made a good choice. He didn't want it on there...so, I removed it and told him we'd discuss it when he got home.
When he got home, we discussed it. He said his friends tease him because his mom is so weird. He says they all follow my Facebook to learn about him. And he hates it. ***I finally have my following!!!*** and it took my own teenager to get there!!! haha
Seriously though, Jari doesn't want his friends to know I am proud of him. He doesn't want them to know what he does with us as a family. He doesn't want them to know when he fails...okay, I get that he wants some privacy, but seriously? He'd rather be non-existant. At least when it comes to being my son.
Jari is going through a very rough time changing with hormones, etc. He is changing from kid to, dare I say it, man. And I am a very obliging and easy parent (I really and truly am). Maybe even too much so... But this change in him? I don't like him as much as I used to. He drives me crazy and I think his attitude sucks. And I live for the moments he becomes my little boy again and snuggles up to me on the couch with his chocolate milk...cuz this teenaged friend I have become? Not so cool...
It will change again...of that I am certain. But for the time being, I sure wish I had a group of mom friends going through this same thing to discuss my weird kid with...but once again, I am unknown, while he is known and doesn't want to be...
Morning, afternoon, evening or night...life is always happening. Let me tell you what's happening in mine.
Showing posts with label Funny Jari. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Jari. Show all posts
5.04.2016
5.31.2013
Back From Reprieve
Has it really been SOOOO long? Yes, it has. Far too long. I think one culprit is Facebook and using that as a tool to status my life, but the other culprit has been me myself and I. When one is unhappy, one finds difficulty in making words flow. Yesterday I logged into my blogger account and reread some of my past posts. I remembered why I started blogging; to document our lives, the good and the bad, a diary for my children to one day be able to again touch their childhood. So, I decided that for me, as an outlet, this is necessary. For my children, only a benefit in their future if they so choose to read our story. Now, let it unfold.
I haven't been managing well in my life. I have had numerous health issues hit me the past few years, and i think that coupled with all our other issues has sent me a bit over the edge. When my knee surgery uncovered a serious arthritic issue last summer, I really started to feel older than my age. When the shots quit helping and I was forced to use a crutch to walk, a piece of my spirit went with it. I finally completed my series of gel shots last week which will hopefully give me back a sense of independence and health. I still feel some pain and still walk a bity limpy, but it does seem to be helping and I actually took the stiars step by step like a normal person this week. So, we're going to stay focussed on the positive and hope that I can walk comfortably enough to get into shape, as I have gained weight and lost self confidence throughout this process of being unable to walk. Last week on our way to the doctor, I didn't have enough money in my wallet to cover the costs. Oma was with Jari and I and Jari discovered she had €32 in her purse. With the combined funds, we'd have enough to pay my docotr visit. But, Jari wouldn't be able to have his coffee and pie day out with oma while they waited for me. Jari said,"Yeah, but I would MUCH rather mama be able to walk again than I get a piece of pie. So we should use the money for the doctor!" I looked at my little boy and tears spileld over my cheeks. Whatever we do wrong in parenting, it's also very obvious that Erwin and I are also doing some things right. That child is caring, giving, and loving and I am so proud to be his mom.
This year marked the 18th birthday of Kaeden and with his birthday the title of adult. It has been crazy trying to arrange everything for this next stage of his journey of life. Last week we attended court to take away a primary right of our adult son. It was a difficult step for me, knowing I was doing the right thing, yet wanting it, yet again, to be a different story. Kaeden's financial matters now lie in my hands, with assistance from the judge. It's just the beginning of taking over the care and the rights of our now adult son. And it looks like a very long road ahead, especially emotionally. As we fight for rights as his parents, we also fight for rights for him, all the while keeping his needs in the forefront. I never knew what a journey I would be forced to take when I gave him life 18 years ago. I wouldn't change that moment in time for anything, but I certainly feel as if my hopes and dreams for him have been forced into the black hole, never to return. My dreams for him now include the hope for one day of ease when he comes home for the weekend. One day we can all enjoy each other without problems. One day in which he can manage to just "go with the flow". One day where his eyes twinkle as he tells a story, rather than a darkness locking away his spirit somewhere deep inside. Those moments keep me going, that twinkle is my hope.
Jari is ending his first phase of his schooling life. Next year he attends middelbaar, the beginning of his secondary education. It hasn't been easy, assisting him in discovering what choices are available and making a decision about his future. I much prefer the Laramie Wyoming way where there is one school, you go there, get a general education and at 18 move onto college. At 12, Jari has chosen to head off into the big world and attend sports school. It means him traveling alone on the city bus system to reach his school. It means extra hours of training, extra expenses, and extra work for all parties, as well as deserting all that is familiar inclusing his friends. But he is certain and he is determined and he claims to be ready for this next adventure in his life. I am so proud of him. He is a good student with many friends, he is polite and becoming a bit more open towards others. And he is a soccer player with a dream much bigger than he is. This dream, I treasure it. I watch him considering possibilities, I hear him discuss his future, and front and center lies his goal; to be a professional soccer player. He has talent, his abilities are strong, but what a long road ahead to reach his dream. I feel as if allowing him to attend sport school is allowing him to strive further towards this goal. I worry about what it will do to him mentally, such a challenge with long hours and additional stress. But I am excited to see how he handles the pressure, to watch him evolve and see what he will become. It is with pleasure that I watch my little boy growing up and making a life for himself.
That is it for today. A shortened version of life, everything in a nutshell. What have I written? A documentary of my children, the two beings that tug at my heart and while I gave them life, they have reciprocated by giving it back to me. Along with my husband, we struggle through, trying to give to them while making our own lives meaningful as well. Our sons, our boys, the central point of our lil family, and the only thing important in the whole scheme of life.
I haven't been managing well in my life. I have had numerous health issues hit me the past few years, and i think that coupled with all our other issues has sent me a bit over the edge. When my knee surgery uncovered a serious arthritic issue last summer, I really started to feel older than my age. When the shots quit helping and I was forced to use a crutch to walk, a piece of my spirit went with it. I finally completed my series of gel shots last week which will hopefully give me back a sense of independence and health. I still feel some pain and still walk a bity limpy, but it does seem to be helping and I actually took the stiars step by step like a normal person this week. So, we're going to stay focussed on the positive and hope that I can walk comfortably enough to get into shape, as I have gained weight and lost self confidence throughout this process of being unable to walk. Last week on our way to the doctor, I didn't have enough money in my wallet to cover the costs. Oma was with Jari and I and Jari discovered she had €32 in her purse. With the combined funds, we'd have enough to pay my docotr visit. But, Jari wouldn't be able to have his coffee and pie day out with oma while they waited for me. Jari said,"Yeah, but I would MUCH rather mama be able to walk again than I get a piece of pie. So we should use the money for the doctor!" I looked at my little boy and tears spileld over my cheeks. Whatever we do wrong in parenting, it's also very obvious that Erwin and I are also doing some things right. That child is caring, giving, and loving and I am so proud to be his mom.
This year marked the 18th birthday of Kaeden and with his birthday the title of adult. It has been crazy trying to arrange everything for this next stage of his journey of life. Last week we attended court to take away a primary right of our adult son. It was a difficult step for me, knowing I was doing the right thing, yet wanting it, yet again, to be a different story. Kaeden's financial matters now lie in my hands, with assistance from the judge. It's just the beginning of taking over the care and the rights of our now adult son. And it looks like a very long road ahead, especially emotionally. As we fight for rights as his parents, we also fight for rights for him, all the while keeping his needs in the forefront. I never knew what a journey I would be forced to take when I gave him life 18 years ago. I wouldn't change that moment in time for anything, but I certainly feel as if my hopes and dreams for him have been forced into the black hole, never to return. My dreams for him now include the hope for one day of ease when he comes home for the weekend. One day we can all enjoy each other without problems. One day in which he can manage to just "go with the flow". One day where his eyes twinkle as he tells a story, rather than a darkness locking away his spirit somewhere deep inside. Those moments keep me going, that twinkle is my hope.
Jari is ending his first phase of his schooling life. Next year he attends middelbaar, the beginning of his secondary education. It hasn't been easy, assisting him in discovering what choices are available and making a decision about his future. I much prefer the Laramie Wyoming way where there is one school, you go there, get a general education and at 18 move onto college. At 12, Jari has chosen to head off into the big world and attend sports school. It means him traveling alone on the city bus system to reach his school. It means extra hours of training, extra expenses, and extra work for all parties, as well as deserting all that is familiar inclusing his friends. But he is certain and he is determined and he claims to be ready for this next adventure in his life. I am so proud of him. He is a good student with many friends, he is polite and becoming a bit more open towards others. And he is a soccer player with a dream much bigger than he is. This dream, I treasure it. I watch him considering possibilities, I hear him discuss his future, and front and center lies his goal; to be a professional soccer player. He has talent, his abilities are strong, but what a long road ahead to reach his dream. I feel as if allowing him to attend sport school is allowing him to strive further towards this goal. I worry about what it will do to him mentally, such a challenge with long hours and additional stress. But I am excited to see how he handles the pressure, to watch him evolve and see what he will become. It is with pleasure that I watch my little boy growing up and making a life for himself.
That is it for today. A shortened version of life, everything in a nutshell. What have I written? A documentary of my children, the two beings that tug at my heart and while I gave them life, they have reciprocated by giving it back to me. Along with my husband, we struggle through, trying to give to them while making our own lives meaningful as well. Our sons, our boys, the central point of our lil family, and the only thing important in the whole scheme of life.
4.27.2012
Nearly Every Day
Nearly every day I open my blog and think about the long amount of time that has lapsed since my last post. I want to write, to clear my mind in the only way which truly helps me, words in written form. Yet I don't. And I am not sure why, other than this feeling of failure that has been running through my head. I see what I write and as I reread through my history, I realize how many things I have vowed to improve upon, yet failed in being successful. Though writing helps to line everything up and make it more workable in my mind, I still haven't pushed forth and made the changes to actually be a success. And so, I need to write, but find the task daunting as it shows the failure within my life.
Today, and for the past week actually, I have had a headache which sucks the life out of me. For every minute spent working, I need 10 to reenergize. This headache, along with the stomach pain, has me slightly worried. Like a little nagging worry in the back of my mind. I'm sure it's nothing, but dang, it hurts. Every tylenol I pop helps the pain temporarily subside, but very temporarily. And sleeping is the only manner in which the pain is completely resolved, so I have been doing lots of that too. I can't figure out why I am always dealing with health issues of one sort or another. I consider my age, just 40, and worry about my future. If I now am an unhealthy mess, what will I be at age 60 or 70 when age really starts becoming a contributing factor? What can I do to guarantee a more healthy lifestyle?
My husband is going through changes within his company. Not just a few little reorganisational changes, but changes in which his entire department is no longer employed. Luckily, his job is still solid, in some form or another. But for how long? And will he be happy in his job being one of the 10 of 70 employees left with a salary? I am scared for our financial future, as what will we do without his employment? How will we make ends meet? What will we lose? When will I be allowed the extra of seeing my family, traveling to America? Will he remain happily employed, or will the stress of a job search be on the horizon for our family? And what are my expectations as provider for our family in the event he can't? Will I, after all these years of unemployment, be forced to find work to bring our family some security?
My husband and I are going through another phase of change in our relationship. I don't feel certain and secure and happy with the place we have fallen. We have even discussed the possibility of going our separate ways, and what we need to do to assure this doesn't happen. However, compromise isn't forthcoming. Neither of us is willing to give in on certain points within our relationship, so we have come to a standstill, neither of us feeling happy or complete. When I asked him if he thought we would be better off separating and he answered an honest Maybe, it scared me. I don't want to be without him. I love him deeply and truly, and he has given me more in my life than I ever imagined was possible. However, it isn't always enough. Maybe I need too much, maybe it is more than he can give, but it is still a need. If he can't fulfill that need, is it fair for us to remain in our marriage, always striving to find a happiness we can never completely reach? What exactly do we owe each other and ourselves? Is it possible for us to be committed to each other if we are unable to compromise on certain aspects within our marriage and family life? Is there a point in which you finally say enough is enough, or do you keep fighting, keep trying to make it a success? We aren't unhappy together, but we aren't completely content and fulfilled either. When I cried in his arms worried about our future together, he assured me we would find a way to make it through...yet since the tears dried up, we haven't made any positive moves to find any solutions.
Kaeden and Jari, Jari and Kaeden...my boys. Both bring my heart such a fullness. But being a mom is so difficult. The choices I have had to make in regards to my children are some no parent should have to decide. Everything I do, I do for them. Sometimes it is right, sometimes wrong, but always what I feel is best at the time. My love for them goes above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I can't believe that God entrusted their care to me...that He felt I was the one up to the challenge. I take that challenge in pride, but it has also torn me apart in so many ways. I cannot believe how much I have aged in the past few years. Both inside and outside. I feel so worn out and exhausted, my gray hair rippling in the wind behind me. I am grateful I had my children when I was young. I couldn't have given them what they needed if I had been an older mom. My level of patience has become far too thin.
Kaeden continues to offer me many challenges, the latest of which is stealing, but not only from us. This creates an ache in me so deep, knowing that I have no control over the situation or what is to come from the situation. It is out of my hands, and I only hope that one day he learns from his mistakes. I know that day will come, I have faith in my son, but I only worry that it will come too late. Kaeden learns, but it always comes too late...he just messes up all the good that comes his way. I so wish I could get inside his mind, just learn to fully understand, figure out a course of action that will finally be the one thing that can help him. Since I can't, all that is left is to be here to hug him and share my love with him and hope that it is enough. The good news is that Kaeden is thriving in school (other than behavior issues), and they feel he is ready for the next scholastic step, which is work training which they are hoping to start next school year. I think this could be a positive turning point for my son as he recognizes what it takes to make it in life, and is given the opportunity to prove what he can achieve. He is such a people person, something they always claim autistics aren't...but my son, he takes his own road...
Jari has chosen to move up in the soccer world. He signed his first contract with a higher level club a couple weeks back, and has his mind set on becoming a star. He keeps telling me it is his dream...such a big dream for such a little boy. I worry that we're allowing him to push too fast too soon, but I know the opportunity will be taken if we don't take the step. When he went to his first training with his new club, he was in tears and wanted to quit, minutes before he had to sign a contract. I didn't know what to do. He felt he wasn't ready, that he wasn't good enough, that he didn't like the pressure. While he showered, all I knew was that I came for an information meeting with the opportunity for him to sign on the dotted line. When he joined us at the meeting, his resolve was as strong as ever. I whispered that it was his call...he had to make the decision, that if he wasn't ready, he didn't have to do it. I don't know what changed during his shower, but he chose to sign. I know he is a good player. The question is whether his personality and character is strong enough to balance his skill out. He's a quiet, shy, closed kid...stubborn as can be...and when you get to know him his stubbornness outweighs his quiet and shy side. He is also struggling in school this year, but even I have to admit that it is crazy difficult. The turnover between 4th and 5th grade was far too challenging. Jari can do the work, and does it well, but his organization and procrastination skills are what he has taken away from his mama....not something to make life simple.
I cut my finger this past week, and cannot believe how handicapped it has made me. In one manner or another, my injured hand has been thoroughly damaged by this cut in my thumb. I immediately felt the same disabling feeling as I did when my arm was first damaged. That feeling of knowing something is wrong and can't be made right...since I cut my thumb, I am having all kinds of diffciulties using my hand again. It sucks. My case is still pressing along, slowly and surely, and I hope it works out like tortoise and hare...
So, that's a 'short' update on life. I enjoyed a visit with my parents the beginning of the month. It was something I sincerely needed, having their hugs and presence in my life. We called my uncle on his birthday and the tears flowed from every direction...he was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. What a heartbreak for us all.
Today, and for the past week actually, I have had a headache which sucks the life out of me. For every minute spent working, I need 10 to reenergize. This headache, along with the stomach pain, has me slightly worried. Like a little nagging worry in the back of my mind. I'm sure it's nothing, but dang, it hurts. Every tylenol I pop helps the pain temporarily subside, but very temporarily. And sleeping is the only manner in which the pain is completely resolved, so I have been doing lots of that too. I can't figure out why I am always dealing with health issues of one sort or another. I consider my age, just 40, and worry about my future. If I now am an unhealthy mess, what will I be at age 60 or 70 when age really starts becoming a contributing factor? What can I do to guarantee a more healthy lifestyle?
My husband is going through changes within his company. Not just a few little reorganisational changes, but changes in which his entire department is no longer employed. Luckily, his job is still solid, in some form or another. But for how long? And will he be happy in his job being one of the 10 of 70 employees left with a salary? I am scared for our financial future, as what will we do without his employment? How will we make ends meet? What will we lose? When will I be allowed the extra of seeing my family, traveling to America? Will he remain happily employed, or will the stress of a job search be on the horizon for our family? And what are my expectations as provider for our family in the event he can't? Will I, after all these years of unemployment, be forced to find work to bring our family some security?
My husband and I are going through another phase of change in our relationship. I don't feel certain and secure and happy with the place we have fallen. We have even discussed the possibility of going our separate ways, and what we need to do to assure this doesn't happen. However, compromise isn't forthcoming. Neither of us is willing to give in on certain points within our relationship, so we have come to a standstill, neither of us feeling happy or complete. When I asked him if he thought we would be better off separating and he answered an honest Maybe, it scared me. I don't want to be without him. I love him deeply and truly, and he has given me more in my life than I ever imagined was possible. However, it isn't always enough. Maybe I need too much, maybe it is more than he can give, but it is still a need. If he can't fulfill that need, is it fair for us to remain in our marriage, always striving to find a happiness we can never completely reach? What exactly do we owe each other and ourselves? Is it possible for us to be committed to each other if we are unable to compromise on certain aspects within our marriage and family life? Is there a point in which you finally say enough is enough, or do you keep fighting, keep trying to make it a success? We aren't unhappy together, but we aren't completely content and fulfilled either. When I cried in his arms worried about our future together, he assured me we would find a way to make it through...yet since the tears dried up, we haven't made any positive moves to find any solutions.
Kaeden and Jari, Jari and Kaeden...my boys. Both bring my heart such a fullness. But being a mom is so difficult. The choices I have had to make in regards to my children are some no parent should have to decide. Everything I do, I do for them. Sometimes it is right, sometimes wrong, but always what I feel is best at the time. My love for them goes above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I can't believe that God entrusted their care to me...that He felt I was the one up to the challenge. I take that challenge in pride, but it has also torn me apart in so many ways. I cannot believe how much I have aged in the past few years. Both inside and outside. I feel so worn out and exhausted, my gray hair rippling in the wind behind me. I am grateful I had my children when I was young. I couldn't have given them what they needed if I had been an older mom. My level of patience has become far too thin.
Kaeden continues to offer me many challenges, the latest of which is stealing, but not only from us. This creates an ache in me so deep, knowing that I have no control over the situation or what is to come from the situation. It is out of my hands, and I only hope that one day he learns from his mistakes. I know that day will come, I have faith in my son, but I only worry that it will come too late. Kaeden learns, but it always comes too late...he just messes up all the good that comes his way. I so wish I could get inside his mind, just learn to fully understand, figure out a course of action that will finally be the one thing that can help him. Since I can't, all that is left is to be here to hug him and share my love with him and hope that it is enough. The good news is that Kaeden is thriving in school (other than behavior issues), and they feel he is ready for the next scholastic step, which is work training which they are hoping to start next school year. I think this could be a positive turning point for my son as he recognizes what it takes to make it in life, and is given the opportunity to prove what he can achieve. He is such a people person, something they always claim autistics aren't...but my son, he takes his own road...
Jari has chosen to move up in the soccer world. He signed his first contract with a higher level club a couple weeks back, and has his mind set on becoming a star. He keeps telling me it is his dream...such a big dream for such a little boy. I worry that we're allowing him to push too fast too soon, but I know the opportunity will be taken if we don't take the step. When he went to his first training with his new club, he was in tears and wanted to quit, minutes before he had to sign a contract. I didn't know what to do. He felt he wasn't ready, that he wasn't good enough, that he didn't like the pressure. While he showered, all I knew was that I came for an information meeting with the opportunity for him to sign on the dotted line. When he joined us at the meeting, his resolve was as strong as ever. I whispered that it was his call...he had to make the decision, that if he wasn't ready, he didn't have to do it. I don't know what changed during his shower, but he chose to sign. I know he is a good player. The question is whether his personality and character is strong enough to balance his skill out. He's a quiet, shy, closed kid...stubborn as can be...and when you get to know him his stubbornness outweighs his quiet and shy side. He is also struggling in school this year, but even I have to admit that it is crazy difficult. The turnover between 4th and 5th grade was far too challenging. Jari can do the work, and does it well, but his organization and procrastination skills are what he has taken away from his mama....not something to make life simple.
I cut my finger this past week, and cannot believe how handicapped it has made me. In one manner or another, my injured hand has been thoroughly damaged by this cut in my thumb. I immediately felt the same disabling feeling as I did when my arm was first damaged. That feeling of knowing something is wrong and can't be made right...since I cut my thumb, I am having all kinds of diffciulties using my hand again. It sucks. My case is still pressing along, slowly and surely, and I hope it works out like tortoise and hare...
So, that's a 'short' update on life. I enjoyed a visit with my parents the beginning of the month. It was something I sincerely needed, having their hugs and presence in my life. We called my uncle on his birthday and the tears flowed from every direction...he was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. What a heartbreak for us all.
8.31.2011
Happy Bday Jari
Dear Jari,
Hey my 10 year old! How did that happen, you already in the double digits? Sometimes it seems as if you have always been with me, sometimes as if it were just yesterday that I was screaming to get you out on the hospital bed. And when finally you popped out into the world and they laid you on my chest, it was then that I knew my world was complete, my family whole. It was then that I looked at you and kissed your face and made you a promise that I would be the best mommy I possibly can. I have kept that promise my dear boy. I may not always get it right, and life may be just a little more crazy for us than for many others, but I do always do my best.
And I think we're doing okay. You awakened with sleepy hair and half-closed eyes and as you trippel-trapped down the steps I greeted you with a big hug and Happy Birthday 10 year old, and you fell into my arms and wrapped your hands around my neck. And it is in those moments that we share something strong and special and it makes all those parenting mistakes slip away into the background and the love come out and shine, and what is more important than that. A security and togetherness and knowing we have a place in the world. I think that is something very strong for both of us. Giving and taking and supplementing each other to complete each other. It is truly beautiful.
You were so very happy on your 10th birthday! All day there was a light in your eyes that just sparkled and you giggled and you laughed and you acted goofy and you smiled. I was utterly taken aback at the relaxed mode you were in, just complete joy that it was your special day and by golly, you were there to enjoy every second! You have something about you that holds you back sometimes, a shyness, fear, disharmony, and I worry about that in you as it often prevents you from doing things you want to do, from getting the most out of life. But yesterday, that barrier was gone, and I saw a little boy who just enjoyed life and wasn't going to let anything stop him. I was so happy, right along with you.
All your friends came for your party and as each arrived you just shined more and more. I watched you playing before we left for the park and that smile, I wish I could hold it in place for an eternity. We went to Goolderheide to play on the playground and do mini golf and eat lunch and everyone loved the day. You all played flag tag in the woods and all 10 of you (10...10...sounds about right!) just really got on well and enjoyed the company, and were just nice kids I was proud to say were part of our repertoire of friends. Riding bikes as you all wore your new vests mama painted with your names and they all really loved...I am so glad I have you to keep those little things important in my life. Things I love to do but don't do often enough, like painting...you help bring out that creativity in me and that is what brings me joy. Being creative, just as you are when you just do it!
You called Kaeden and Gramma and Grampa and when you were speaking to your brother on the phone, you smiled the whole time telling him about your party and when you told him "I miss you, and I can't wait to see you Thursday" it made my heart melt. Kaeden is hard to live with sometimes, but knowing you truly miss him and accept him as our family and love him as your brother no matter what, well, kiddo, that makes you strong amd generous and those qualities, because of living life with Kaeden, will help you to succeed in life. It may be hard, but I am glad you are able to put the bad behind and just accept that life is what it is and this is my brother, and he is mine no matter what.
Oma, opa and Ilse came to watch your soccer training and party with us for dinner. You liked your soccer cake I made to surprise you and even explained the perspective of the ball in relation to the net which was much too small...what a smart kid I have! Throughout every moment of the time they were here, you shined my boy. You glowed all day and I just hope that being 10 always brings you so much wonderful in life. You play little tricks on people, just little things that noone else would think to say or do...quick-witted and really good at being funny...not outwardly annoyingly funny, but just enough to make it hilarious. You used your please and thank you's (which you don't like to do!) and I just saw the kid you are and hiding behind that, the man you will become. Someone a little like your dad and a little like your mom and a little like yourself to make this really terrific combination of a person. In your actions, personality and eyes, I really saw that we are doing okay!
I am so glad you enjoyed your birthday lil bug. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. Nothing makes me more proud than knowing part of that happiness comes from me...my actions, my discipline, my love. You are my heart! Happy Birthday to my very favorite ten year old. Get out there and dance like noone is watching! xoxo Mama
4.26.2011
Gumball Soccer
Last night tucking Jari into bed was a total and complete adventure. He talked and talked and talked without taking a breath. At 11, he was finally yawning and rubbing his eyes...and once again, I fell asleep before him, singing songs and rubbing his back as I drifted off still fully clothed.
Our conversation last night was started by a book I picked up in the library, called Just Ask. It is filled with one question per page of simple things a kid can answer, such as :what do you think your parents looked like when they were little, or what is your dad good at? The questions just get kids actively thinking about the things in their life.
One question, or rather the answer from my son, made me giggle. The question: What was it like living in your mama's tummy before you were born? With a sigh, Jari asked to skip that page. "It was so boring in there I can't even talk about it." he answered. But with a little prodding I told him it couldn't have been so very boring. "Oh yeah," he replied. "I didn't have too much room, but I sure could kick good in there, huh mama?" he chuckled. "I know, I know" he continued. "It was in your tummy I learned to be such a good soccer player. I think you ate a gumball and swallowed it whole and it came in your tummy and that was my soccer ball, " he went on. "And the way babies are curled up in their mama's tummy, they can do really good backward scissor kicks."
Jari paused for awhile as we looked over the illustration of the inside of a woman's body, with a baby growing in her womb. "Mama, I think I was much better at backward kicks even before I was born cuz I practiced with a gumball in your tummy!" he suddenly replied. "Mama, when you let me kick you all the time, I was learning to be a good soccer player. I think being in your tummy wasn't boring, but I got to play soccer all day long!!! And that's why I am so good at it now." he answered proudly.
I started to reply, but he flipped the page "Next one...."
So, now we know what babies do in their mama's tummy. Mama's just need to swallow gumballs whole and when her baby pops out, he'll be a little soccer star! Isn't imagination fun? In any case, I am enjoying the book as it gives me a very good view into his thoughts about life. And it gives him a chance to really consider things around him. And of course, let his creativity flow!
Oh, and it was me that gave him the opportunity to be the best lil soccer player there is, of course :-) See that there gold medal? GOLD!!! Yep, that's what he won at soccer camp last week. He is my "Rising Star"....and just how'd he achieve that? Kicking mama before he was born. I think I deserve one point for that revelation!
4.07.2011
Doctor Mommy
Sometimes we as parents do something that is perfectly right and it makes us feel proud of our parenting ability. In general, parenting is a difficult game and we usually come out on the bottom, either criticizing ourselves for what we have (or haven't) done, or being criticized by our kids when we do something they don't approve of...often! Though this may not mean our parenting skills are lacking, it does take some of the fun out of this lifelong game in which we have chosen to partake.
There are, however, moments in which we realize our ability and feel confident and secure with these young lives we have been given to teach, love, share, and bewonder. I had one of those moments this week. And it's just those itty bitty things that give us just enough ooomph to keep chugging along.
I noticed Jari was in the bathroom frequently. He has a pretty typical pattern and I know when he has to pee. And it's almost never at school. When he came home and told me he had to pee three times at school, my mama alert went into motion. I watched him over the course of a few days, expecting him to complain of burning or pain when he peed, but nope, he just had to pee a lot. One night as I was tucking him in, he told me he had to pee first...and this after just having gone. After singing him his songs I came down and made an appointment with the doc for the following morning.
The doctor took a urine sample (what a process "Ï don't have to pee now mama! I can't pee in that little jar! What happens if I can't pee?"...but eventually enough little drops filled the bottom of the jar) after I told him the problem and he asked ME what I thought the problem was (Uhm, I would assume it's a bladder infection, though without the pain or burning it makes my conclusion somewhat less viable...I thought I was in med school doing rounds...ha). The sample came back positive with little bladder infection bugs. I had concluded correctly!
When Jari asked what that meant and I told him there were some little bugs in his bladder that we needed to make go away with medicine, the doctor laughed and said he was going to use that explanation for kids from now on. Yes, young doctor, I could teach you a thing or two! But since I can't write my own prescription, please do so for me.
We were handed a prescription, paid our fee (which Jari was in total shock that 10 minutes could cost so much...ha! and when I told him he could pay it with his allowance, I was returned a hearty laugh in your face NO WAY! That's your job cuz you're the mama!) and headed to the pharmacy.
Like I said, it's just the little things. Being aware of your kids, knowing them inside and out, and recognizing that you do. I felt a great sense of pride that without any complaint I was able to pinpoint the problem and do what had to be done.
Being a parent is hard work. It takes energy, time, passion, money, and love. But recognizing that you're doing a good job with the health and happiness of your little peeps, that's worth more than all the money in the world!
2.08.2011
Speaking Of Jari
I'm going to give Jari a little attention here today...he's my kid and I can if I wanna. Plus, he amazes me. He really, truly does. I can't begin to describe this kid. He is like this part of me of which I am so filled with pride. If only he could be a little more outgoing with people. Because that aspect of him bothers me a little. He seems almost rude, when in reality it is shyness that overcomes him. In place of shyness, it seems like he is rude and just doesn't care. When in reality, what he desires is attention and play and fun...with and from those he acts so shy around. But that's another story. For now:
1) Last night Jari and I were snuggled in bed and I had promised him he could watch a movie if we could just do it in the warmth of my cosy bed. He chose Dances With Wolves. I pulled the covers around me and immediately felt his arm wrap around me. "Mama, does that feel good?" he asked. No words could describe just how good it felt, to have my son wrapping me in the comfort of his love. None.
2) So we're watching Dances With Wolves. And there are gunshots and someone dies. And Jari says "he just killed himself. That's called suicide." And I was in shock that my son knew what suicide is. I mean, I guess nothing shocks me, but it caught me by surprise. It is not somehting I have ever discusse with him. So I asked where he learned about it. And we started talking about suicide and how life affects people. And he told me that no matter what, even if his life was filled with bumps, he would never kill himself because life has too much good in it. And that when people commit suicide it makes their family sad. And "I would never want you to be sad, mama."
3) Jari brought home his report card, and asks me to sit with him and go through it. One for one, he reads the subject and his results. We get through math and langauge and spelling and geography. And we come to the page for physical ed. "Mama, this one, you can't wait to hear this! This is the important part!" says my little ahtletic son. ***When I told him I liked to see his phys ed results but cared more about his actual learning subjects, he couldn't believe it!***
4) Jari is an expert in countries. I mean, his interest in lands is unbelievable, and I can bet that of 100 random people, he could beat 98 of them in a geography test. I am not joking. He knows where countries are, what the capitols are, and what their flag is. He knows approximately how many people live in a country (not all, but surprisingly many) and where they fall size-wise in comparison to other countries. We received a world map shower curtain fro Christmas, so now he is also learning this information in English. His favorite game is the Flag game, and nobody can beat him...not his teacher, not his classmates, not his father (who is also very well-schooled in this area). I am blown away by his interest and knowledge in geography. When we play the game together, he is so proud of me when I learn something new. Yesterday at lunch we wer eplaying, and for the first time I recognized the flag El Salvador, and also got the capital, San Salvador. He grinned from ear to ear, saying "Mama, see how much you learn when you play with me!"
These are just a very few of the little things about my boy. He is beautiful, with big blue eyes and hair much too long. He is small for his age but proudly getting bigger all the time. He has a shoe fetish and loves new shoes. He eats tiny amounts 10 times a day, and without fail after dinner he is hungry again after 20 minutes. Warm chocolate milk is incomplete without melty marshmallows and lunchtime without Genie in the House is a disaster. He's my kid, and I just love him to pieces...all of him....except maybe the very big mouth that has been accompanying him everywhere we go lately :-)
12.20.2010
Chrtistmas Wishes
Christmas is made of magic and wishes and beautiful stories to fill your heart...
Last night, we were all sitting watching The Polar Express...a very favorite Christmas film of mine, which Jari chose. As it was nearing the end, and the kid gets to pick the first gift of the year, Jari says to me: If I could have one wish, I KNOW what my wish would be.
I looked at him and asked, simplÿ, "What?"
He leans over and whispers to me, "I have a wish, but I can only tell you. Not Kaeden and Papa." and he glanced at Kaeden sitting nearby and he put his finger to his lips in a shushing gesture.
We finished watching the film and I told the boys it was time to get ready for bed. Jari snuggled up to me and I could see he had something on his mind. "Jari" I whispered. "What would be your wish?"
My little boy looked up at me, and one lone tear fell from his eye as he wiped it away (yes, really). He pulled me under the blanket with him and whispered in my ear, "If I could have just one wish, I'd wish for Kaeden and Papa to not fight any more."
Though I knew this was an emotional moment, it took me by surprise. While many children wish for toy cars and computer games, nothing could fulfill the wish list of my son more fruitfully than peace in our home, in his life.
Sobs shook my body as I held me son against me. We lay there, in each other's arms, sharing a hope which we both believe can never come true. We believe in the Christmas spirit, in Sanata Claus and Rudolph, but something simple like a happy family is something we dare not dream, though the hope and desire remains fully alive.
I pulled my son's face to mine, looking him eye to eye. I kissed the tip of his nose and whispered in his ear, "Jari, that is the most beautiful wish I have ever heard." With a last tight squeeze, he took off to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.
Christmas is made of Magic. I hope the magic helps my son's only wish to come true, because I am powerless in this situation. It's just a little wish...please make it come true.
Last night, we were all sitting watching The Polar Express...a very favorite Christmas film of mine, which Jari chose. As it was nearing the end, and the kid gets to pick the first gift of the year, Jari says to me: If I could have one wish, I KNOW what my wish would be.
I looked at him and asked, simplÿ, "What?"
He leans over and whispers to me, "I have a wish, but I can only tell you. Not Kaeden and Papa." and he glanced at Kaeden sitting nearby and he put his finger to his lips in a shushing gesture.
We finished watching the film and I told the boys it was time to get ready for bed. Jari snuggled up to me and I could see he had something on his mind. "Jari" I whispered. "What would be your wish?"
My little boy looked up at me, and one lone tear fell from his eye as he wiped it away (yes, really). He pulled me under the blanket with him and whispered in my ear, "If I could have just one wish, I'd wish for Kaeden and Papa to not fight any more."
Though I knew this was an emotional moment, it took me by surprise. While many children wish for toy cars and computer games, nothing could fulfill the wish list of my son more fruitfully than peace in our home, in his life.
Sobs shook my body as I held me son against me. We lay there, in each other's arms, sharing a hope which we both believe can never come true. We believe in the Christmas spirit, in Sanata Claus and Rudolph, but something simple like a happy family is something we dare not dream, though the hope and desire remains fully alive.
I pulled my son's face to mine, looking him eye to eye. I kissed the tip of his nose and whispered in his ear, "Jari, that is the most beautiful wish I have ever heard." With a last tight squeeze, he took off to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.
Christmas is made of Magic. I hope the magic helps my son's only wish to come true, because I am powerless in this situation. It's just a little wish...please make it come true.
6.18.2010
A Soccer Dream
Parents are forced to make a lot of tough decisions. Decisions that play a part in who our child is, who he will become. Our decisions form our child's future. And some decisions we make, we just don't know what is right. We can only listen to our child, take our experience, and hope we do what is right. At this time, I am facing such a decision. It's one that has me filled with pride, but also uncertainty as to what is right.
Last night, one of the board members of Jari's soccer club dropped by to speak with us. Jari is currently on a team for kids under 9, and next year will move up to the under 10 team. He is one of 2 kids on the team who plays really well, and proved himself again and again this past year in technique, speed, and scoring. He is the best in his class (I say that with pride).
He has always been extremely shy, and with that shyness there's a tiny piece of him that holds back. Towards the end of the season, we noticed that our son was becoming more aggressive (in a good, sport way) and becoming more self-assured in his abilities. He didn't let a bigger player get in his way, but fought to get a ball or used tricks to make a play. He is a fun player to watch, and we were extremely proud of him for conquering his fear and going for it. It only made him better.
So, last night we get the visit. They asked us if we would be willing to allow Jari to skip the under 10 group and move into the under 11 team. That means he would be skipping an entire age bracket, and seeing that he is the youngest on his team (August birthday) and also the smallest for his age, he could be competing against kids 2 years his senior. The soccer club feels Jari is ready to advance, and doesn't want to hold him back by placing him in the under 10 team. They feel that physically he has enough strength to move up, and his talent for soccer is strong enough that he would still be successful.
As this question was posed, a great searing pride swept through me. I couldn't help but let a smile brighten my face. I knew my son was a good player, but this means others also see his talent for the game. As my smile beamed, something else starting forming in my mind. Technically he may be ready, but how about emotionally, mentally, and physically? Would he be able to handle playing with kids so much larger than him, with more experience, and on a team without any of his current teammates or classmates? Would his self-assuredness that he's been working so hard to achieve become oppressed? Would he be able to understand that being on a team a year further would probably mean he will no longer be the little star of the team, that he may not be the high scorer, that he may have difficulty stealing a ball? And if a kid 2 years his senior happens to kick him, will his body physically be able to handle the pain of someone larger and stronger? Does he need the experience of another year before moving into the big leagues?
Last night, one of the board members of Jari's soccer club dropped by to speak with us. Jari is currently on a team for kids under 9, and next year will move up to the under 10 team. He is one of 2 kids on the team who plays really well, and proved himself again and again this past year in technique, speed, and scoring. He is the best in his class (I say that with pride).
He has always been extremely shy, and with that shyness there's a tiny piece of him that holds back. Towards the end of the season, we noticed that our son was becoming more aggressive (in a good, sport way) and becoming more self-assured in his abilities. He didn't let a bigger player get in his way, but fought to get a ball or used tricks to make a play. He is a fun player to watch, and we were extremely proud of him for conquering his fear and going for it. It only made him better.
So, last night we get the visit. They asked us if we would be willing to allow Jari to skip the under 10 group and move into the under 11 team. That means he would be skipping an entire age bracket, and seeing that he is the youngest on his team (August birthday) and also the smallest for his age, he could be competing against kids 2 years his senior. The soccer club feels Jari is ready to advance, and doesn't want to hold him back by placing him in the under 10 team. They feel that physically he has enough strength to move up, and his talent for soccer is strong enough that he would still be successful.
As this question was posed, a great searing pride swept through me. I couldn't help but let a smile brighten my face. I knew my son was a good player, but this means others also see his talent for the game. As my smile beamed, something else starting forming in my mind. Technically he may be ready, but how about emotionally, mentally, and physically? Would he be able to handle playing with kids so much larger than him, with more experience, and on a team without any of his current teammates or classmates? Would his self-assuredness that he's been working so hard to achieve become oppressed? Would he be able to understand that being on a team a year further would probably mean he will no longer be the little star of the team, that he may not be the high scorer, that he may have difficulty stealing a ball? And if a kid 2 years his senior happens to kick him, will his body physically be able to handle the pain of someone larger and stronger? Does he need the experience of another year before moving into the big leagues?
This morning I spoke with my physical therapist and asked her what the pros and cons were physically. She said her biggest concern would be the fact that soccer players muscles become shorter from working out, and when going through a growth spurt could cause a lot of pain, as well as need for therapy to help lengthen them. Being that he would be working his body harder than the other players to physically keep up could cause him to stress his body parts, but that soccer is a good form of fitness and would also keep him in shape. So, her suggestion was to watch closely and make sure his body could physically handle it so he wouldn't end up hurt and unable to play at all.
After the soccer guy left, Jari had lots of questions. I saw a smile start to form in his eyes and work it's way to his lips. He looked at us and when I asked him if he knew what this all meant he clearly stated: I'm a good player so I can play with the big kids. The smile still plastered across his face. The rest of the night last night, he spoke of nothing else. He named all the kids on the under 11 team, he told us of each of their strengths and weaknesses, he talked about the coach. And when I tucked him in, I told him how very proud I am of him, my little soccer star. And when I asked if he wanted to move up, his response was an overwhelming "YES! if you and papa will please let me!" There was still a smile on his face as his head nestled into the pillow and I told him we would talk about it.
So, my son's dream is to become a soccer player. It's the dream of so many little boys, to be a professional sportsman. However, my son has a talent to back that dream. But what is best for him? What choice can I make to help him further that dream? What is mentally, physically, and emotionally best? This is another of those tough parenting decisions.
But I still have a smile plastered on my face too. His dream is my dream, and there's a chance that it will come true!
After the soccer guy left, Jari had lots of questions. I saw a smile start to form in his eyes and work it's way to his lips. He looked at us and when I asked him if he knew what this all meant he clearly stated: I'm a good player so I can play with the big kids. The smile still plastered across his face. The rest of the night last night, he spoke of nothing else. He named all the kids on the under 11 team, he told us of each of their strengths and weaknesses, he talked about the coach. And when I tucked him in, I told him how very proud I am of him, my little soccer star. And when I asked if he wanted to move up, his response was an overwhelming "YES! if you and papa will please let me!" There was still a smile on his face as his head nestled into the pillow and I told him we would talk about it.
So, my son's dream is to become a soccer player. It's the dream of so many little boys, to be a professional sportsman. However, my son has a talent to back that dream. But what is best for him? What choice can I make to help him further that dream? What is mentally, physically, and emotionally best? This is another of those tough parenting decisions.
But I still have a smile plastered on my face too. His dream is my dream, and there's a chance that it will come true!
4.29.2010
Caution!
I recognized something yesterday that I didn't really consider before. Jari is a very cautious kid. Yesterday he had a friend come to play and we went to the playground where they could also ride their bikes up, down, all around. Another classmate joined them on the playground with her little brother, and the four of them started tearing up the playground and surrounding area. By tearing up, I don't mean demolishing, but rather just getting busy having a good time.
The girl climbed on top of the swingset, making her way across the high pole. Jari's friend joined her, and even little brother tried unsuccessfully to do so, being too small. The whole time I tried to keep my mouth closed about it being dangerous and to get down, but I refrained. Jari didn't follow suit. Instead, he slid down the slide and started digging in the sand.
Later, the kids were chasing each other around on their bikes. Jari's friend came and asked if he could go on the hills, which were housed between a very small pond and the stream, which was not deep. I told him he could, and he happily set off riding along the ditches, up and down the hills, through the edge of the pond. Jari stayed on the pathways, riding along the edge of all the action, his helmet covering his little head.
As the races started, and they started playing a form of Simon Sez, I was wondering how Jari would react. In the beginning, he was very cautious about it, riding with precision following his friends, but more on a gentle slope than right down the middle. Eventually, as he started feeling more brave, he ventured after his friends down the middle of the hill, onto the edges of the ditches, and around the pond. When it was his turn to choose, he still followed the pathways in the distance.
As the kdis went back to the playground and started jumping from the steps, seeing who could jump the furthest, Jari once again turned away from the game, settling instead on the swings. As the other kids jumped first from the lower steps, and then higher and higher, I was wondering what he was thinking and feeling. Wondering if he recognized his fears. Wondering if he was disappointed he didn't feel safe enough to join in.
As I tucked him into bed last night, I carefully posed the question. "So, did you have fun with your friends today?" I asked. "Yes, but mama, I didn't wanna go riding on that ditch. What if my bike tire went too far and I fell in?" he asked. I responded by telling him that if he had fallen in it was very shallow and he'd be okay, but that if he didn't feel comfortable doing it, that was okay too. He went on to discuss every of the above mentioned dare-devil feats, telling me why each was dangerous and why he didn't want to do it. "I could fall and break my ankle and then I couldnm't play soccer. I could crash, and I have a helmet so I would be okay, but they don't have a helmet so they could be dead. (Even though he always begrudgingly puts on his helmet, he still does it, under mama's watchful eye...and he's only one of the handful of kids who do wear one, unfortunately) And I just like to ride around and not do that crazy stuff, he continued.
Hmmm, I wonder where that comes from? Does it stem from me always saying Be Careful, and him always being under my watchful eye (I am more present in his play than the majority of the other parents), or is it a personality trait? Or maybe a combination?
In any case, though I hope he doesn't feel like the odd man out when playing with his friends, I am glad he has the sense to be cautious. Being a daredevil has it's time and place, but knowing he is cautious and seeing him choose his own road was a good sign for me. He doesn't have to be a follower, but can lead on the easy pathways life's road will take him.
The girl climbed on top of the swingset, making her way across the high pole. Jari's friend joined her, and even little brother tried unsuccessfully to do so, being too small. The whole time I tried to keep my mouth closed about it being dangerous and to get down, but I refrained. Jari didn't follow suit. Instead, he slid down the slide and started digging in the sand.
Later, the kids were chasing each other around on their bikes. Jari's friend came and asked if he could go on the hills, which were housed between a very small pond and the stream, which was not deep. I told him he could, and he happily set off riding along the ditches, up and down the hills, through the edge of the pond. Jari stayed on the pathways, riding along the edge of all the action, his helmet covering his little head.
As the races started, and they started playing a form of Simon Sez, I was wondering how Jari would react. In the beginning, he was very cautious about it, riding with precision following his friends, but more on a gentle slope than right down the middle. Eventually, as he started feeling more brave, he ventured after his friends down the middle of the hill, onto the edges of the ditches, and around the pond. When it was his turn to choose, he still followed the pathways in the distance.
As the kdis went back to the playground and started jumping from the steps, seeing who could jump the furthest, Jari once again turned away from the game, settling instead on the swings. As the other kids jumped first from the lower steps, and then higher and higher, I was wondering what he was thinking and feeling. Wondering if he recognized his fears. Wondering if he was disappointed he didn't feel safe enough to join in.
As I tucked him into bed last night, I carefully posed the question. "So, did you have fun with your friends today?" I asked. "Yes, but mama, I didn't wanna go riding on that ditch. What if my bike tire went too far and I fell in?" he asked. I responded by telling him that if he had fallen in it was very shallow and he'd be okay, but that if he didn't feel comfortable doing it, that was okay too. He went on to discuss every of the above mentioned dare-devil feats, telling me why each was dangerous and why he didn't want to do it. "I could fall and break my ankle and then I couldnm't play soccer. I could crash, and I have a helmet so I would be okay, but they don't have a helmet so they could be dead. (Even though he always begrudgingly puts on his helmet, he still does it, under mama's watchful eye...and he's only one of the handful of kids who do wear one, unfortunately) And I just like to ride around and not do that crazy stuff, he continued.
Hmmm, I wonder where that comes from? Does it stem from me always saying Be Careful, and him always being under my watchful eye (I am more present in his play than the majority of the other parents), or is it a personality trait? Or maybe a combination?
In any case, though I hope he doesn't feel like the odd man out when playing with his friends, I am glad he has the sense to be cautious. Being a daredevil has it's time and place, but knowing he is cautious and seeing him choose his own road was a good sign for me. He doesn't have to be a follower, but can lead on the easy pathways life's road will take him.
4.07.2010
Sleepover
Today marks a first for us. Today, after soccer camp, we'll have a special guest come stay at our house. Today, Jari has his friend coming to spend the night...for the first time ever! And boy oh boy, is he excited!!! All he has talked about for a week is the upcoming sleep over and what he and his friend will do. All he has considered is where they will sleep, what they will eat, what movie they will watch. He is so excited!
Many of Jari's plans have to be put on stand-by due to Kaeden's behavior issues. Having friends come spend the night is not an option when we don't know how Kaeden will react to the extra stimulus, what may cause him to blow. It isn't fair to our youngest, and though we realize this, it's also unfair to put another child into a situation where he'll be subjected to an outburst. So, though many of Jari's friends have had sleepovers, Jari has of yet been unable to have this rite of passage. However, that all changes with this afternoon.
While the boys are at soccer camp and Kaeden happily and safely tucked away at his home away from home, I'm going to set up a tent, blow up some airbeds, and create a mini-camping for them to arrive home to. Jari plans to have his friend help him work on his hut in the farmer's field, but after dinner it will be a movie and popcorn and cookies in their little getaway hidden in Jari's room. "Can we stay up til 10 mama?" he asks with his eyes shining. "Can we eat cookies and have hot chocolate and watch a movie til it's dark?" "Do you think Xander will like sleeping in a tent? What if we get scared? Can I wake Xander up in the morning? What if Papa is already gone to work when we wake up and Xander won't even see him? Do you think my pyjamas will fit him (in case his mama forgets to pack his, of course.)?"
The questions are unending, the excitement filling his mind and body with stress. He can't believe this little treat has been offered. He can't believe he's finally having a friend come spend the night. He can't believe he's finally big enough to take on this type of party.
And his excitement is working it's way over to me. "What should I make for dinner? Do you think Xander likes....., are you guys going to take showers or a bath after training? What movie are you going to watch before bed? Should I let you stay up til 10 when you have another full day of training tomorrow?" This sleepover party is exciting. I remember back to my own sleepover experiences and how much I enjoyed spending the night with a friend. How much fun it was to have a friend come stay with me. How the rules changed and gave me more freedom. And now, it's happening with my son, for the first time ever in our home. I better get that tent set up as promised, because though it's just hours away, 4 pm can't get here soon enough! It's so exciting!
Many of Jari's plans have to be put on stand-by due to Kaeden's behavior issues. Having friends come spend the night is not an option when we don't know how Kaeden will react to the extra stimulus, what may cause him to blow. It isn't fair to our youngest, and though we realize this, it's also unfair to put another child into a situation where he'll be subjected to an outburst. So, though many of Jari's friends have had sleepovers, Jari has of yet been unable to have this rite of passage. However, that all changes with this afternoon.
While the boys are at soccer camp and Kaeden happily and safely tucked away at his home away from home, I'm going to set up a tent, blow up some airbeds, and create a mini-camping for them to arrive home to. Jari plans to have his friend help him work on his hut in the farmer's field, but after dinner it will be a movie and popcorn and cookies in their little getaway hidden in Jari's room. "Can we stay up til 10 mama?" he asks with his eyes shining. "Can we eat cookies and have hot chocolate and watch a movie til it's dark?" "Do you think Xander will like sleeping in a tent? What if we get scared? Can I wake Xander up in the morning? What if Papa is already gone to work when we wake up and Xander won't even see him? Do you think my pyjamas will fit him (in case his mama forgets to pack his, of course.)?"
The questions are unending, the excitement filling his mind and body with stress. He can't believe this little treat has been offered. He can't believe he's finally having a friend come spend the night. He can't believe he's finally big enough to take on this type of party.
And his excitement is working it's way over to me. "What should I make for dinner? Do you think Xander likes....., are you guys going to take showers or a bath after training? What movie are you going to watch before bed? Should I let you stay up til 10 when you have another full day of training tomorrow?" This sleepover party is exciting. I remember back to my own sleepover experiences and how much I enjoyed spending the night with a friend. How much fun it was to have a friend come stay with me. How the rules changed and gave me more freedom. And now, it's happening with my son, for the first time ever in our home. I better get that tent set up as promised, because though it's just hours away, 4 pm can't get here soon enough! It's so exciting!
2.17.2010
Bedtime Games
The scene: Jari and I are snuggling in bed. I am singing, trying to get his eyes to become heavy and allow sleep to overcome him. I rub his back trying to relax him. But...
"Mama, let's play a game!"
"Hey bug, it's nite nite time. Mama is tired. You need to go to sleep so you'll be happy tomorrow."
"C'mon Mama, it's just a little game," he says, swinging his arm around my neck and pulling me in closer. "It's fun!"
"I like games too, but it's too late to play a game. We need to go to sleep."
"Okay mama, but which would you choose? A tv or a computer?"
"I'd pick a computer. Then I can communicate with my family and friends."
"Yeah, and a tv you can just watch for a little while and then it's over. And would you pick a bus or a car?"
"I would pick...."
"I'd pick a bus cuz it's bigger so more people can ride in it and get around. Would you pick water or cola?"
"I'd pick water, because your body has to have water to survive, plus you can make other things with water."
"Yeah. that's what I was gonna say. Uhm...."
"Jari, would you pick a shirt or a jacket?" I asked, knowing I was completely getting myself pulled into the game.
"A jacket, becuase you can always have a very light jacket so you could use it as a shirt, but still be warm if you had to go outside."
" And would you pick a soccer ball or a bike?"
"I'd want to pick a soccer ball, but I would pick a bike. With a bike you can go places and you can carry groceries home on it. And with a soccer ball all you can do is kick it around and you have to carry it, it can't carry you."
"Jari, would you pick a boat or a train?" This game was getting fun. I wasn't even tired anymore, considering my son's answers.
''A boat. I think. But maybe a train. A boat takes you all across the water to see Gramma and Grampa in America. But a train can go faster, but I can't go to America then. Can't I pick an airplane? Mama, would you pick carrots or strawberries?"
"I would pick strawberries. They're yummy!!! So, would you pick hugs or kisses?"
"Uhm, I would pick kisses. Would you pick hugs or kisses, mama?"
"I would pick hugs. I like kisses, but hugs squeeze the love right into you. And you get warm from hugs. And you can feel a heartbeat with a hug. I like hugs the best."
""Mama, can I have a kiss before I go to sleep?"
I reach over to give him a kiss and tell him I love my Jari kisses. He reaches around my neck and snuggles tight against me. Sleep is finally overcoming him after our little game, as it has awakened me. I begin to sing, loving the feel of my son snuggled next to me. He turns his head toward me.
"Mama, I think I like hugs best too. We like to snuggle close, huh mama? And I can feel your love."
And I started to sing softly, his hair tickling my face: Mama's boy, Mama's boy, he's the center, of mama's world....Mama's boy."
And later when I woke up, I could still feel his warmth, still feel his love emanating through to me.
"Mama, let's play a game!"
"Hey bug, it's nite nite time. Mama is tired. You need to go to sleep so you'll be happy tomorrow."
"C'mon Mama, it's just a little game," he says, swinging his arm around my neck and pulling me in closer. "It's fun!"
"I like games too, but it's too late to play a game. We need to go to sleep."
"Okay mama, but which would you choose? A tv or a computer?"
"I'd pick a computer. Then I can communicate with my family and friends."
"Yeah, and a tv you can just watch for a little while and then it's over. And would you pick a bus or a car?"
"I would pick...."
"I'd pick a bus cuz it's bigger so more people can ride in it and get around. Would you pick water or cola?"
"I'd pick water, because your body has to have water to survive, plus you can make other things with water."
"Yeah. that's what I was gonna say. Uhm...."
"Jari, would you pick a shirt or a jacket?" I asked, knowing I was completely getting myself pulled into the game.
"A jacket, becuase you can always have a very light jacket so you could use it as a shirt, but still be warm if you had to go outside."
" And would you pick a soccer ball or a bike?"
"I'd want to pick a soccer ball, but I would pick a bike. With a bike you can go places and you can carry groceries home on it. And with a soccer ball all you can do is kick it around and you have to carry it, it can't carry you."
"Jari, would you pick a boat or a train?" This game was getting fun. I wasn't even tired anymore, considering my son's answers.
''A boat. I think. But maybe a train. A boat takes you all across the water to see Gramma and Grampa in America. But a train can go faster, but I can't go to America then. Can't I pick an airplane? Mama, would you pick carrots or strawberries?"
"I would pick strawberries. They're yummy!!! So, would you pick hugs or kisses?"
"Uhm, I would pick kisses. Would you pick hugs or kisses, mama?"
"I would pick hugs. I like kisses, but hugs squeeze the love right into you. And you get warm from hugs. And you can feel a heartbeat with a hug. I like hugs the best."
""Mama, can I have a kiss before I go to sleep?"
I reach over to give him a kiss and tell him I love my Jari kisses. He reaches around my neck and snuggles tight against me. Sleep is finally overcoming him after our little game, as it has awakened me. I begin to sing, loving the feel of my son snuggled next to me. He turns his head toward me.
"Mama, I think I like hugs best too. We like to snuggle close, huh mama? And I can feel your love."
And I started to sing softly, his hair tickling my face: Mama's boy, Mama's boy, he's the center, of mama's world....Mama's boy."
And later when I woke up, I could still feel his warmth, still feel his love emanating through to me.
2.13.2010
Fuzzy Dice
Jari and I played a game the other night before bed. It wasn't a typical game we play. Oh no, we played a game designed for mamas and papas.
Last Valentine's Day, I gave Erwin those fuzzy dice, a game for us to play. On the red dice are the words Toes, Lips, Neck, Ears. On the black dice the words Kiss, Lick, Tickle... and Jari found the dice in our room as we were getting ready for bed.
"What is this for, mama?" he asked me. "Uhm, it's a game," I responded, my cheeks a bit flushed with red. "Can we play it?" he asked. "Uhm, okay" I answered, not sure how to play this out. I didn't want to confront him with the reality of what kind of game it was, stripping him of his little boy innocence. So, we played the game.
He giggled. He loved it when he had to tickle my ears as I laughed and laughed. He loved it even more when I was forced to lick his toes. "Ewwww, you have a GROSS one," he chuckled as he held out his fresh from the bath feet for me to lick. Luckily, they were fresh from the bath.
Throughout our ten minute game, my mind raced. This is NOT something you should be playing with your son. This is a sex game. This shouldn't be happening. Yet, as we played and laughed and giggled, it was also all okay, innocence at its finest.
At least the dice got their first use. I think I will once again retire the dice to their quiet place in the cupboard, hoping that one day Erwin and I can play. But, for the time being, the red and black fuzzy dice proved to me that sex is only sex when the innocence is lost.
Last Valentine's Day, I gave Erwin those fuzzy dice, a game for us to play. On the red dice are the words Toes, Lips, Neck, Ears. On the black dice the words Kiss, Lick, Tickle... and Jari found the dice in our room as we were getting ready for bed.
"What is this for, mama?" he asked me. "Uhm, it's a game," I responded, my cheeks a bit flushed with red. "Can we play it?" he asked. "Uhm, okay" I answered, not sure how to play this out. I didn't want to confront him with the reality of what kind of game it was, stripping him of his little boy innocence. So, we played the game.
He giggled. He loved it when he had to tickle my ears as I laughed and laughed. He loved it even more when I was forced to lick his toes. "Ewwww, you have a GROSS one," he chuckled as he held out his fresh from the bath feet for me to lick. Luckily, they were fresh from the bath.
Throughout our ten minute game, my mind raced. This is NOT something you should be playing with your son. This is a sex game. This shouldn't be happening. Yet, as we played and laughed and giggled, it was also all okay, innocence at its finest.
At least the dice got their first use. I think I will once again retire the dice to their quiet place in the cupboard, hoping that one day Erwin and I can play. But, for the time being, the red and black fuzzy dice proved to me that sex is only sex when the innocence is lost.
2.09.2010
Cereal
One of the things I love is when I am getting Jari breakfast. He comes downstairs, his hair all askew, and I greet him good morning and ask if he slept well. He always looks so little to me in the morning, and as I stand at the counter making Erwin's lunch while he runs in to go pee, I watch his pyjama clad body retreat.
When he comes back, I always go to him, give him a quick cuddle, and ask what he'd like for breakfast. Samwich or cereal? Most often, it's cereal. I actually prefer it that way, knowing we get to go through one of my favorite rituals. I open the cupboard door and check the cereal contents. We don't buy name brand, except on the surprise ocassion, and our cereals are not called Honey Loops or Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp. Instead, Jari names them by the picture on the box. Bee (the round ones or the circles?), Penguin, Bear. Sometimes, the picture changes as a different brand is purchased, but even if the penguin has turned into a polar bear, it's still penguin cereal. It always makes me smile.
So, I check the contents, and ask if he'd like Penguin or Bee? Penguin, he says, as I retrieve a bowl from the cupboard. There is no penguin on the box, no picture at all in fact, and he asks as he watches, "Are you sure that's Penguin cereal, mama?" I hand him his cereal, with just a touch of milk as he hates soggy flakes, and won't drink what's left in the bowl, and answer "Of course it's Penguin cereal!!!" And always, always, I ask him if it's yummy, and he always, always answers YES!
Penguin cereal is one of his favorites. Penguin cereal is the equivalent of Frosted Flakes. Monkey cereal is a close second, aka Cocoa Crispies. And then there's the Bee...have any idea what the Bee might bee? Think oma and opa will be able to decipher our secret cereal language when they come to take care of Jari while we're away? I may need to write out a cereal decoder...but it won't matter, as oma and opa call it all "hondenbrokjes (dog food)" or plain ole cornflakes....but who'd pick Cornflakes when you could choose the Penguin instead? :-)
When he comes back, I always go to him, give him a quick cuddle, and ask what he'd like for breakfast. Samwich or cereal? Most often, it's cereal. I actually prefer it that way, knowing we get to go through one of my favorite rituals. I open the cupboard door and check the cereal contents. We don't buy name brand, except on the surprise ocassion, and our cereals are not called Honey Loops or Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp. Instead, Jari names them by the picture on the box. Bee (the round ones or the circles?), Penguin, Bear. Sometimes, the picture changes as a different brand is purchased, but even if the penguin has turned into a polar bear, it's still penguin cereal. It always makes me smile.
So, I check the contents, and ask if he'd like Penguin or Bee? Penguin, he says, as I retrieve a bowl from the cupboard. There is no penguin on the box, no picture at all in fact, and he asks as he watches, "Are you sure that's Penguin cereal, mama?" I hand him his cereal, with just a touch of milk as he hates soggy flakes, and won't drink what's left in the bowl, and answer "Of course it's Penguin cereal!!!" And always, always, I ask him if it's yummy, and he always, always answers YES!
Penguin cereal is one of his favorites. Penguin cereal is the equivalent of Frosted Flakes. Monkey cereal is a close second, aka Cocoa Crispies. And then there's the Bee...have any idea what the Bee might bee? Think oma and opa will be able to decipher our secret cereal language when they come to take care of Jari while we're away? I may need to write out a cereal decoder...but it won't matter, as oma and opa call it all "hondenbrokjes (dog food)" or plain ole cornflakes....but who'd pick Cornflakes when you could choose the Penguin instead? :-)
12.03.2009
Hair
So, the past few weeks we've been discussing Jari getting his hair cut. It was getting so long that he'd have to sweep it to the side in order to see, and his tail on his neck was looking almost monkey-like. Much too long. But, Jari had other ideas. "The girls like boys with long hair," he said. "If mine is short, they won't like me anymore." (yeah, age 8, folks...it's starting already)And since I want him to assert independence and have choices in matters like these, I didn't push the issue too hard. Until...
we were eating dinner and I noticed a chunk of his hair missing, right in front. "Jari, did you cut your hair?" I asked him. Of course, his eyes immediately went down and he said "No" but upon further investigation he finally admitted his ill deed. It was then that we decided it was high time to take care of his little mess.
So, yesterday we told him today was hair-cutting day. When he came home at lunch, I reminded him. But he wasn't having none of that. No way, no how. So, in my ingenuiety, I gave him a choice: to the barber or the mama hairdresser. He chose mama. I don't mind, I regularly do their hair to save money, and since barbers tend to do no better than me in my uneducated haircutting techniques. So, as he left after lunch I reminded him tonight was the haircut.
After school a friend came to play. After that he had homework. After that he wanted to eat. After that...but finally I settled him in the kitchen for the cut. Unfortunately, in giving him the choice of letting mama do it, I had forgotten that I have use of only one hand. As I started cutting, I realised that the job one-handed was not going to be an easy one. Try as I might, I couldn't hold the comb in my left hand to get a straight cut. We were both getting frustrated, but I'd already begun. No way I could leave him in that chunk o' hair state for school. Wonder what the girls would think then?
I did my best, and eventually got it all evened up, not too short as I promised, but short enough so he could see. He got in the bath jiggling around from hair "pricking me all over "while I cleaned up the now covered in hair kitchen (there were a few minor fights and crying fits as I worked). But, I did it! It may not be my best cut ever, but it's not too bad for a one-handed girl. I bet the girls will be drooling tomorrow...if not from the great hairstyle, from the huge blue eyes they can actually now see!
10.29.2009
Dance Man
Jari and I were having so much fun together dancing the other night. Giggles, smiles, and pure silly fun. Here's a glimpse of his great moves :-)
9.18.2009
security of me and we
it's such a little something. that tiny place deep inside which gives you a simple promise that all is okay, that though there may be tiny setbacks along the way, the whole is still intact. that this is your life, do with it what you will, but through it all you'll come out on top.
my little promise has been taken away. my security has dissipated to a tiny trickle. my half full feels half empty. i'm not feeling assured that everything will be okay, that the setbacks aren't too big, that life will plow along and find me still standing strong.
and what is sad is that it isn't about me. as a mother, my whole includes the lives of my sons, as a wife, the life of my husband. there is a tiny piece of me who belongs only to me, but i am defined by my family. i no longer live as a single entity. i have this me of which can no longer be separated from we.
since my accident, there have been many questions filling me up inside. some are positive, some negative, but on the whole i feel grateful to be alive and feel an assurance that though the road is long, i will stand proud and tall in the end. though i may not once again be complete; my hand may never fully clasp a little hand in mine again, or pick up a grape to lift to my lips, or pull a load of fresh smelling clothes from the washer, that i am still standing and i will be okay.
but that same security i felt for my youngest son has now left me with a furrowed brow, my heart crumpled into a newspaper ball. he isn't the same child he was before my accident. he is fearful, he is nervous, he is obsessed. no longer is a paper laying on the table or a finished glass of milk a comfort of home. these are replaced with a need for extreme organisation, nothing standing in his view. curtains must be pulled tightly closed or he is uneasy. if my hand comes even close to resting on his body, he tenses up as his body shakes and a scream leaves his lips, nearly paralyzing. my hugs have stiffened him as he glances fearfully my way, trying to pull away before the effect of my love reaches through to him. where he used to love to play games, have tickle fights, win soccer matches against mommy, his newest fun when mama is in the house is sitting before the tv tuning out the fact that mama even exists. he no longer has a need for my attention, for my love, the security blanket i used to be. the ghosts that strip him of sleep cannot be fought away with my presence. my presence does not bring him comfort.
i try to pull him in. i play his favorite treftiball, and see glimpses of the little boy i knew and loved just 3 months ago. he smiles, he laughs, he runs. and then, in one instant as he catches a glimpse of my arm, or my hand happens to come too close as i try to kick, or for any other number of unknown reasons, he retreats...back to his little chair in front of the tv, the sound of my voice tuned out, the little area surrounding him completely free of clutter. he no longer looks at me, but through me.
on a car ride a few days ago, he asked me to sit in back with him. my heart did a quick flutter as i sat next to him, resting my 'good' hand on his lap. then, as i adjusted my position and my 'bad' hand came into his view, he screamed, tensed, and his demeanor towards me changed. he started hitting, being wild, couln't find the calm.
i am starting to feel really worried. the effect this accident has had on him is the fault of noone. yet it is guilt i feel, and each time i see the scar traveling across my wrist, all i see is the stripping of a bond between a mother and her son. with each painful movement i make during therapy, it is with the determination to gain back some trust from the little boy who once came to me for every little thing. it is with the hope that that promised place is restored, that we'll come through this still standing tall. because i am not just me, but i am we. and right now, the we feels broken. the we feels sad, fearful, uneasy and insecure. the me needs to find extra strength for the we.
my little promise has been taken away. my security has dissipated to a tiny trickle. my half full feels half empty. i'm not feeling assured that everything will be okay, that the setbacks aren't too big, that life will plow along and find me still standing strong.
and what is sad is that it isn't about me. as a mother, my whole includes the lives of my sons, as a wife, the life of my husband. there is a tiny piece of me who belongs only to me, but i am defined by my family. i no longer live as a single entity. i have this me of which can no longer be separated from we.
since my accident, there have been many questions filling me up inside. some are positive, some negative, but on the whole i feel grateful to be alive and feel an assurance that though the road is long, i will stand proud and tall in the end. though i may not once again be complete; my hand may never fully clasp a little hand in mine again, or pick up a grape to lift to my lips, or pull a load of fresh smelling clothes from the washer, that i am still standing and i will be okay.
but that same security i felt for my youngest son has now left me with a furrowed brow, my heart crumpled into a newspaper ball. he isn't the same child he was before my accident. he is fearful, he is nervous, he is obsessed. no longer is a paper laying on the table or a finished glass of milk a comfort of home. these are replaced with a need for extreme organisation, nothing standing in his view. curtains must be pulled tightly closed or he is uneasy. if my hand comes even close to resting on his body, he tenses up as his body shakes and a scream leaves his lips, nearly paralyzing. my hugs have stiffened him as he glances fearfully my way, trying to pull away before the effect of my love reaches through to him. where he used to love to play games, have tickle fights, win soccer matches against mommy, his newest fun when mama is in the house is sitting before the tv tuning out the fact that mama even exists. he no longer has a need for my attention, for my love, the security blanket i used to be. the ghosts that strip him of sleep cannot be fought away with my presence. my presence does not bring him comfort.
i try to pull him in. i play his favorite treftiball, and see glimpses of the little boy i knew and loved just 3 months ago. he smiles, he laughs, he runs. and then, in one instant as he catches a glimpse of my arm, or my hand happens to come too close as i try to kick, or for any other number of unknown reasons, he retreats...back to his little chair in front of the tv, the sound of my voice tuned out, the little area surrounding him completely free of clutter. he no longer looks at me, but through me.
on a car ride a few days ago, he asked me to sit in back with him. my heart did a quick flutter as i sat next to him, resting my 'good' hand on his lap. then, as i adjusted my position and my 'bad' hand came into his view, he screamed, tensed, and his demeanor towards me changed. he started hitting, being wild, couln't find the calm.
i am starting to feel really worried. the effect this accident has had on him is the fault of noone. yet it is guilt i feel, and each time i see the scar traveling across my wrist, all i see is the stripping of a bond between a mother and her son. with each painful movement i make during therapy, it is with the determination to gain back some trust from the little boy who once came to me for every little thing. it is with the hope that that promised place is restored, that we'll come through this still standing tall. because i am not just me, but i am we. and right now, the we feels broken. the we feels sad, fearful, uneasy and insecure. the me needs to find extra strength for the we.
8.29.2009
Eight.
This morning we headed to Hasselt for a soccer tournament. It was a long day watching games, but something I always enjoy. It was the last soccer I will share with my seven-year-old. Tomorrow, August 30, he turns eight. Eight already. Where does the time go?
I watched my lil bug tear around the field, doing his darndest to keep a win in sight. Playing as a stand-in for another team is hard work. What is their offence? How do they play defence? Where do I fit into the team? He did a good job, playing with a team a step or two below the level of his own. He scored, he passed, he stopped balls from becoming goals. He managed to run the entire field trying to keep the team in the lead. And in the three games they played, the team won two of the three. Quite an achievement at the Coca-Cola Cup.
Throughout the years Jari has been a part of my life, soccer has been a part of more than half. He thrives being on the field, shooting penalties at home, joining kids during play while on vacation. He never complains about having to go to practice, instead asking when he gets to go again. His favorite clothing is covered with soccer clubs or soccer balls, his shoes always a pair that can easiest kick a ball. His bedroom is a shrine to his collection of medals and trophies housed in decorations from his beloved Ajax. You will never see him leave the house to go to school without a ball at his feet, and his pump (or the 5 we have purchased since his arrival) is one of his best friends. He waits for games to be broadcast on tv, asks for scores when he awakens in the morning, and can name the majority of the big players, their home country, and for which team they play. He can also name all of the flags of those countries. And, lately, he can tell you how much they make playing his favorite game in the world.
Thank you for giving mama a reason to stand in the crowd and cheer, my voice loud and excited, calling your name from the sidelines as I see you look my way and smile at the big thumbs up I send your way. I will always be by your side, guiding you to be your very best. Today, winning the games at the Coca-Cola Cup was just one little trickle of who I know you will become. Eight years old. Happy Birthday from your very biggest fan!
I watched my lil bug tear around the field, doing his darndest to keep a win in sight. Playing as a stand-in for another team is hard work. What is their offence? How do they play defence? Where do I fit into the team? He did a good job, playing with a team a step or two below the level of his own. He scored, he passed, he stopped balls from becoming goals. He managed to run the entire field trying to keep the team in the lead. And in the three games they played, the team won two of the three. Quite an achievement at the Coca-Cola Cup. Throughout the years Jari has been a part of my life, soccer has been a part of more than half. He thrives being on the field, shooting penalties at home, joining kids during play while on vacation. He never complains about having to go to practice, instead asking when he gets to go again. His favorite clothing is covered with soccer clubs or soccer balls, his shoes always a pair that can easiest kick a ball. His bedroom is a shrine to his collection of medals and trophies housed in decorations from his beloved Ajax. You will never see him leave the house to go to school without a ball at his feet, and his pump (or the 5 we have purchased since his arrival) is one of his best friends. He waits for games to be broadcast on tv, asks for scores when he awakens in the morning, and can name the majority of the big players, their home country, and for which team they play. He can also name all of the flags of those countries. And, lately, he can tell you how much they make playing his favorite game in the world. With this newest information, Jari frequently tells us what his plans are for all the money he'll be making one day when he hits the big time. His villa and his cars, the house he'll buy mama and papa so we can watch his games. He has big plans, that little boy of mine.
My little bug, at nearly eight, your dreams are big. Tomorrow, when the sun brightens the earth, you will awaken and be part of this great big world as an eight-year-old. Your dreams, tomorrow, will still be bigger than you, but knowing how stubborn you are, how much you love the game, and how much talent you already show, these dreams have every possibility of becoming a reality. Stay with your dreams, my little boy. Make them as big as you dare, and work hard to bring them to life. If your dreams remain in soccer, mama will be there to cheer you on. If they take another turn in life, mama will be there to cheer you on. Your dream is my dream, my sparkly little son. I love being here to share it all with you, watching you grow, mature, evolve as a little tot into the eight year old I know today.
Thank you for giving mama a reason to stand in the crowd and cheer, my voice loud and excited, calling your name from the sidelines as I see you look my way and smile at the big thumbs up I send your way. I will always be by your side, guiding you to be your very best. Today, winning the games at the Coca-Cola Cup was just one little trickle of who I know you will become. Eight years old. Happy Birthday from your very biggest fan!6.23.2009
Freedom of Boys
My boys,
The wind blowing your hair as the trees swayed in every direction. Your faces alight with happiness in being out in the great outdoors, cheeks red from exerting yourselves in play. Your voices not quiet chatter, but deafening booms of explosive laughter as you played together, the sunshine in the background as darkening skies started crawling in. The playground empty other than your footprints in the sand, making 'smoke' as you ran, and ran, and ran. The grass on the fields battered as the ball flew left and right under your feet, the muscles in your legs tawt as you tried to keep up with its swoosh. The skateboard ramps roaring as you clomped across, filled with magic in the last dive to reac
h the top.The air alive, alive with your laughter, alive with your energy, alive with your freedom. Freedom, freedom to be kids, freedom to run, and laugh, and play, and be boys. Hopping, skipping, jumping, running, from one thing to the next, no harmony, no focus, no rules, just freedom. And it showed, in the air surrounding you both, happiness. In your voices, exciteme
nt. In your smiles, pride. In your bodies, energy.
nt. In your smiles, pride. In your bodies, energy.And in all my life, I will never forget the magic of our time together on the playground, a time of uninte
rrupted joy, nothing holding us back, allowing ourselves to scream and run and do whatever it was we wanted to do. Thank you for sharing with me a little piece of happiness. Thank you for showing me what love is.
rrupted joy, nothing holding us back, allowing ourselves to scream and run and do whatever it was we wanted to do. Thank you for sharing with me a little piece of happiness. Thank you for showing me what love is.Love, Mama
6.04.2009
Riddles
Last night I tucked Jari into bed where he had chosen Winnie The Pooh's Great Riddle Contest to read before singing. As we read the story, he was surprised by the riddles, even though the answers he came up with were pretty okay. As I closed the last page of the book, he decided we needed to have our own riddle contest...but he doesn't quite grasp riddles. It was hilarious.
Jari: Mama, what lives in the woods and digs holes?
Me: A bunny? *shakes head no* A fox? *no* A mole? *no*
Jari: A rat! hahahahah
Jari: Mama, what do you put in a glass and drink?
Me: Juice? *no* Milk? *no* Yoghi? *no*
Jari: Cola!!! hahahahaha
See, I told you he doesn't quite get the riddle thing :-)
Mama: Okay, my turn. What has an eye but can't see? (Yeah, so what, Iused an old standby)
Jari: Uhm, uhm...hmmmmm...Wait! I KNOW!!! A blind man!
How could I possibly say no?
Jari: Mama, what lives in the woods and digs holes?
Me: A bunny? *shakes head no* A fox? *no* A mole? *no*
Jari: A rat! hahahahah
Jari: Mama, what do you put in a glass and drink?
Me: Juice? *no* Milk? *no* Yoghi? *no*
Jari: Cola!!! hahahahaha
See, I told you he doesn't quite get the riddle thing :-)
Mama: Okay, my turn. What has an eye but can't see? (Yeah, so what, Iused an old standby)
Jari: Uhm, uhm...hmmmmm...Wait! I KNOW!!! A blind man!
How could I possibly say no?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)