Wedded Bliss

This past weekend, Kaeden attended a wedding. Not only attended, but took part in the wedding ceremony. He passed out the ceremony books and led people to their seats. Then, during the mass, he read pieces of a story. This wedding, it gave me a little piece of something I can't explain. It showed me that my son has a place in the world, and where that place is. It made me see him as an independent young man, fulfilled.

Kaeden came home and told me his teacher was getting married, and that he could attend the ceremony. He was very excited, animated, happy to be part of something so big for someone so important in his life. I hadn't heard anything about this wedding, so wasn't quick to sahre his excitement. I thought maybe his imagine was taking over, as happens often with Kaed. I didn't want him to get his hopes up too high, so answered with a simple: That is nice.

Then, I received a note from his teacher, outlining Kaeden's duties during the ceremony, what time he needed to be at the church. He told me he was preparing Kaeden and his classmates for their part in his wedding. I was initially a bit frustrated by the news, getting it just 2 days before the date. Really, it's something I should have known earlier; what if we had other plans?

However, as my frustration subsided, I felt a sense of acceptance. Acceptance of and for my son. People in his life, whom are important to him, but for whom he is also important to them. A bonding with teachers, everyday people in the world. It gave me great satisfaction, knowing that this tight-knit little group of which Kaeden has been a part for two years now, really is the tight-knit group I have imagined. A class of five young men all with severe behavior problems, learning disabilities, autism, ADHD, and aggression. A class specially designed to keep these kids in school, to help them find their place in the world. Two young male teachers who hold the group together, acting not only as teachers, mentors, guides, but also as friends. They are not

Mr. Teacher, but Timmeke (an endearing form of his name) and Bossie (a nickname). And this group of seven has become my son's world for the time being. A place where he learns, plays, and fights, but then learns how to control his aggression and anger, how to deal with the emotions leftover from a fight.

When I saw Kaeden, his friends, and his teachers at the wedding (my curiosity got the best of me, I couldn't stay away), I recognized that Kaeden is exactly where he needs to be. Yes, he

needs guidance. He is getting it, from this little group. Maybe the teachers are too young to fully understand, they have no kids of their own, have only been teaching a short while. They are smaller than my son and Kaeden pats them on the head. BUT, they are giving him friendship with a twist- they are in control, they are guiding him. And my son fits in perfectly.

Kaeden got up to stand before the mass of people during the ceremony. He and his classmates read a story, each taking different pieces, all of them having a turn. And I heard that their reading wasn't strong, they stuttered and they had diffculty pronouncing words. They shied

away from the mike making it hard to understand. They sounded out words which were too big to get out in one breath. But you know what? They all did it! And they did it in a place where they were not only accepted doing it, but praised for the good job they did. I cried. Because seriously, how many times will my son be given a job so important and be given the chance to shine and do so with a group of people who accept him completely, for who he is, and even celebrate the young man he is.

I thank these young teachers, and specifically Bossie and his bride, for making their wedding a chance to do so much more than bind them in marriage. They also made awareness of kids with differences, and gave them a chance to prove just how great they can be, to shine before a large group of people, to say: Hey, look at me, I am A PART OF THIS SOMETHING BIG!

This little group, it may be small in size, but it's big in something more important: acceptance. And we could all use them as an example to learn from.

A letter in the car

Our vacation to Germany was wonderful. It seems to me to be one of the best vacations we've had. A great combination of exploration and discovery, but in a relaxed and easy manner. The kids really seemed to get along well on this trip, and seeing them laughing and playing together was good for my heart. There were no major meltdowns and no major problems. It was a typical family vacation and rejuvenated all of us. So, from me, there are no complaints.

However, on the way home, Kaeden had a meltdown. I'm not entirely sure from where it stemmed, other than the boys playing a game and rules changed, and then the game was thrown and from there it all went downhill. I asked Erwin to stop the car, and at the following exit we got off and parked in the driveway of a business. Though I wouldn't call this meltdown one of Kaeden's worse, it ended of fun vacation on a negative note. It's something we have learned to accept and anticipate when something changes (vacation is over, back to home and school), but nevertheless, it still comes as a shock, and still hits you with a blow. Here is the letter I wrote in the car, sitting in the backseat with my son, following our meltdown. I call it ours, because it is never just Kaeden involved, but us as a whole, a family with autism.

Just stopped. I am so angry. Had to get off the highway because my two wonderful kids can't stop fighting. And Kaeden can't keep his hands to himself in which Jari screams like a banshee. So, off the highway to change seats and get them away from each other. When am I going to learn? Even if they promise there will be no problems and beg to sit next to each other, don't do it. It is simply asking for trouble.

So, Kaeden flips out and the thing I was most nervous about was being by the busy road. Cars speeding by as he kicks and screams and hits- I was afrais he would run out there in front of a car. And his mouth- I can't stand listening to how he speaks to us, but most especially to Erwin. The names he calls him are so rude and disrespectful. I actually hate the way they speak to each other, neither of them is respectful, but in this case Kaeden was definitely at fault.

As he it the fence with his belt I demanded he forfeit it before getting back in the car. His tantrum continued and when I moved Jari's booster seat to the front seat and saw Jari just standing there on a rock, off to the side, observing the entire situation unfold. His hands clutched in his pockeets just watching. How do I feel? Sad, sad that at 8 years old this is the only life he has known. But even more so, sad that being this is the only life he's known he still hasn't figured out how to help prevent these scenarios. I don't blame him, not at all, but I can't understand why when he sees such an ocassion arising, he doesn't know enough to stop.

It's often, though not always, clear that Kaeden is ready to explode. Erwin also has difficulty with this, though in his case it is more that he believes Kaeden must obey and must succumb to the rules. I just don't know. For me, I'd rather enforce only when it's something important and forego the fights and meltdowns and the ensuing feeling of sadness and hurt which remains in my heart long after the tantrum has subsided. None of us is right or wrong, I suppose, as we all must do what we have to do to live with autism. In general, though, Kaeden is most calm with me. There are many factors that contribute to that. All I know is that autism is the culprit, and because autism is a part of who Kaeden is, he gets the blame. Should he? I'm not sure- sometimes yes, sometimes no- but even with autism he has to learn to live in the world according to the rules society sets forth. Or we as parents set forth. Or teachers set forth.

Kaeden seems somewhat more controlled when he has a meltdown compared to a couple of years ago, but they still happen, and when he is stilled, calm, and happy again 20 minutes later. my heart is still beating double time, my blood still pulsing hotly through my veins, the 20 minutes a lifetime, a mixture of fear, anger and pain, added to the guilt I feel that all my entire family must go through, each of us in our own way, as a result of autism.

Erwin let me handle things during this episode-he let me take care of business and get Kaeden calmed down so we could go, and for that I am grateful. As we continue on our way Jari is role-playing with his stuffed bear, Erwin driving us home, Kaeden watching a movie as he points out a hot air balloon he sees in the blue, sunny sky above us---and I? I just have tears hiding behind my eyes, knowing this won't be the last time, certainly wasn't the first time, and I once again curse autism as we head towards home, our family, vacation nearly ending, once again autism ending it in the way which is so typical, in the manner of which we have all become accustomed, a change on the horizon upon which autism cannot bear, but must. Life goes on----

And that is my take on our last autistic meltdown. And even so, it was a truly wonderful family vacation, one I will treasure forever, remembering my boys chasing around the playground, their laughter filling the silent air.

Message From Church

Last night, I attended church with Kaeden. I am not a church-going woman, but a strong believer in faith. I attended church last night as a member of my choir, where we sing the mass once per month. I try to bring my kids with me when other activities don't create schedule conflicts. I believe that going to church can bring a sense of community, a sense of belonging to something greater, a sense of peace. But I don't feel that we must attend church to feel the faith of our higher power.

However, last night, though I resisted going, I still went. I am glad I did. Only 4 choir members showed up to sing, and my voice was needed to help the music carry to the fellow patrons attending the mass. But above my voice, was the presence of the sermon, a wonderful message to us all.

The sermon last night was about worth. How each of us in this world serves a purpose, and the relationships we engage in throughout our life on earth. It spoke of the varying people with whom we have contact, and how each person serves a purpose and fulfills a need during our engagement with them. It spoke of power, and the power we have to make our lives complete in how we deal with the other party in the relationship.

The relationship can be that shared between a man and wife, between a child and parent, between friends, or even between two strangers coming together for some undefined purpose on the street. Each of these relationships gives us power and serves a purpose, not only in our life, but in that of the other party. How we treat these relationships varies depending upon our need and our involvement with the other party. But whatever it's purpose, and though we may not always know the reason, how we engage in these relationships makes us the people that we are, the person that others see.

Each person put on this earth serves a purpose and has worth. It is up to us to understand what their purpose and worth are, and how to make it fit into our own life. If we smile, oftentimes a smile is returned. If we growl, our worth in another's eyes is diminished. Do we have a right to judge that growl? Each person has a story, and we don't always know what the story is. We must try to create harmony in that relationship, whatever feelings it brings with it.

I sincerely needed to remind myself that each of us has worth, that each of us has a purpose. As my son fidgeted beside me, his voice not the quiet voice we *should* use in church, his hands tapping his flyer with the words of the sermon rather than quietly reading along or listening, I looked at my fellow village patrons, the people whom create my community, and I saw many different faces and expressions staring back at me. Each of these people has meaning in my life. I may not know them, I may not know their story, but there is a reason they are there and in the same space with me, a purpose worthy of my attention. What I bring to this is my own doing. But I can accept them, give them the value they deserve, and move forth with that information in hand. My son, also a fellow patron, may be autisitc, may judge the world differently, but he has a purpose, he has worth. As his voice carried above the words of the priest and I began to feel uneasy with his behavior in church, this message came back to give me peace. My son has worth. He has a purpose. Each of those faces listening in the church have the opportunity to learn from my child, to value him, understand his worth. As i sat in the pew, those words gave me peace, hope, and understanding. I am learning to be accepting, to share my story, to find peace with who I am, the power I have been given, and what I choose to do with it. I am learning to find worth in others, to value them no matter how different the paths our lives lead.

Here are the opening words from the sermon I heard last night:
"It isn't good that we as people stay alone. God called us to life to share in a relationship, with Him and with each other. We were given ears for listening, a mouth in which to speak, and a heart that has the power to give and receive love. The harmony from the creation is disturbed. Peace is something we must go out and find...."

A good basis to remember. A good basis to find worth and value in every person with whom we share a relationship, no matter how big or how small. No matter the differences between us.

Marriage

I have a girlfriend whom is going through a rough spot in her relationship. Though not married, their partnership is registered, which is the equivalent of a marriage in every aspect with an exception to children. My friend and her "husband" have no children, so they are as good as married. And it has been really bothering me, the troubles they are experiencing. I don't know how she is dealing with it all, and I can't seem to get beyond his disrespectful treatment of her. However, she loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. It has been making me really dissect my own relationship with my husband...how we have changed over the years since we first met, what my marriage and our relationship means, how we treat each other. And it has made me realize what a wonderful man I married, how much respect he shows me every day of my life, how much he cares and gives and loves. It's not just in how he treats me, but also what a great father he is to my children. And I won't say that there aren't times that he drives me crazy or irritates me to bits, but that doesn't matter, because the basis of our relationship is good, our commitment to each other goes deep, and we respect one another. Erwin may not be happy with how I look, he may get frustrated by my "irrational" outbursts, and he may think I don't take enough pride in my home, but he isn't in this for a wife that has a tv star body, someone like Mrs. Cleaver that cooks and cleans like her life depends on it..he is in it because we share a deep love for each other, he respects my values and thinks that I have enough to offer him in the sense of intelligence, humor, goodness, mothering, and the gift of care. We can laugh together, play jokes on each other, and talk well into the night about things that may or may not matter. I treasure him for his deep love of history and how easily he can bring something from the distant past to life for me today, for his broad knowledge of geography and other cultures, for his simple acceptance of my burned meals and wrinkled shirts. Together we share the same values, believing that unneccessary spending is ridiculous, that a home doesn't need to be a showhouse, that our family relationships have a deep impact on us, and that the best education we can give our children is in the form of travel. Our parenting styles are very different, but our goals are the same...to raise our children to make it on their own, give them a good basis for achieving this, and giving them love in the form of hugs and kisses, clean clothes and full bellies, days out playing as a family, but no top brand clothing, no allowance for doing what they are expected to do as a family member, no gifts eevry time we walk into a store. We share a love of nature and spend the most of our time together enjoying the outdoors, we share a love of travel adn spend the most of our money exploring new places, we share a love of computers and spend free moments enjoying this passion, we share a love for gardening and spend hours and hours making our yard the perfect place to complement our home. We don't believe in living a life beyond our means, but love when we have a little left over to do something special. We are compatible.

I remember back to the beginning of our relationship when I told Erwin a secret that I was scared would turn him away from me, when I wanted this man more than anything in the world, but I knew that this was something that could impact our relationship and something he deserved to know about me...when I told him with tears running down my face, he just pulled me close and told me it was okay, that he loved me for who I am, and that I had no reason to feel any shame. And as he rubbed my arm with tenderness, he asked me if I was okay. That is the man that is my husband. Those are the kinds of things we forget living everyday life with a person, the day in-day out stress of life coming between us. Those are the things I remember as I think about the possibility of our life taking a new direction, of us no longer being together. Erwin is someone I don't want to have to be without. He gives me so much every day of my life. Each morning as he kisses me goodbye and says his ritual I love you and I jokingly ask if he's sure, I know that those aren't words that he takes lightly. I know that as ritual as it may be, he truly does love me. There is noone I would rather have as my partner in life and love, and I am just grateful that my friend's problems have reminded me how good I have it....and how I need to nurture it and keep it alive. It's easy to step away and let daily life overtake our respect for one another, to let worries about children come between the fun we share as a couple, to allow finances to cast a dark shadow over our smiling faces...but when it really comes down to it, nothing matters except respecting each other, individually, as a couple, and as a member of our family. And I have earned the respect of a great man. I hope I give it back in that same devoted manner. Thanks for loving and respecting me, Er...all of me...