I am at the point of nearly exploding. I feel as if I take another breath it's going to be the one that lets the dragon loose. I should leave the house and get some fresh air; remove myself from the danger zone. But I can't do that, fearful what should happen in my absence. I am totally on the edge, ready to jump off that highest bridge. I can't begin to describe how tense and tattered I feel. My muscles ache, my head is pounding, my mouth is dry. Physically I am aching. But even more painful is the fact that my spirit is crushed beyond recognition.
I feel ready to snap. The following word uttered shall be the one that crushes those sweet red cherries into a pulverized dripping mess in my hands. Cherry juice, pulp added...thick and red as blood.
My heart is beating, but feels as if it's boiling, bubbling up with every pump, leaving a fullness in my throat. If I swallow, it'll send the whole mess spilling over. I'm really not sure how much more I can take. This is not what I signed up for when I chose to be a mother and a wife. This is not what I wanted when I envisioned our little family of four. This is not the future my past presented to me, and the future I'm now envisioning won't be including me. The bridge is too close. The bile too burning.
Morning, afternoon, evening or night...life is always happening. Let me tell you what's happening in mine.
3.14.2010
3.10.2010
Beek
It's another sunny Belgium day. Cold, but sunny. The skies are blue and the barren trees art against the backdrop of the sky. It's beautiful, as I look out my window, seeing the sway of branches in the slight wind. Through my other window, I can see the church tower, a tower built so long ago, in the year 1007. It's unbelievable to me, having such a piece of history right in front of me. At the top of the tower, a golden rooster stands proud in the blue of the sky.
My little village is definitely tiny. But the church tower breathes a bit of life into our tiny little place in the world. Housed inside the church is the oldest organ in Belgium, called the Gilmanorgel and dating to 1593.
We have nature areas the fall within our town limits. The canal runs through, separating our town into two distinct areas. On one side of the canal is the village, houses and people, the little grocery store, one cafe, and a snack shop. Here is also the elementary school combined with the well-used community center. On the other side of the bridge, which is now being rebuilt, slowly adding something new to the old of our town, are all the farms and farmland, all the cows and crops. This area also houses the old water mill which is now a place for picnics and the nature walk meeting point.
There is a lot of brick here. Homes are built in brick, strong and lasting. Just like in the story the Three Little Pigs, the brick home protects, and can handle any disaster. The older bricks are all of the reddish variety, while newer homes are being built with lighter tan colored brick. Sometimes, seeing so much brick gets to me. It's something quaint about Europe, and nearly unheard of in American towns. House after house built of brick, as well as sidewalks, all meshing into one. Some streets are even made of brick, or cobblestone which are beautiful but a disaster to walk on...cobblestone streets...quaint, European.
The front yards are all prettily manicured, grass and flowers, neat and tidy. Windows in the homes are covered by a sheer curtain, usually a vase or trinket placed in twos in the window. In the darkness of night, nearly all the windows are shuttered closed, keeping out the wind and the cold. Securing the home from the dangers of night.
The school yard is closed off in a great big gate and fence, and the play equipment is minimal. There are soccer goals and a basketball court, along with hopscotch and other games painted on the play surface. There are no slides or swings or climbing gyms. Children play marbles and jumprope and it sometimes reminds me of watching Little House on the Prairie. Sometimes, during recess, I go take a little walk, just to see the kids playing, hear their laughter and shouts, try to pick my kid out of the crowd as he competes in another rendezvous of soccer. The bell rings, the kids line up in lines, no talking, no whispering allowed. Once the bell rings, it's like a stillness overcomes our little village one again.
And the clock on the church tower rings. Every hour, I hear the bells number the time. One oçlock, two oçlock, three oçlock... and each half hour I hear one single toll of the bell. I have come to need the tolling of the bells, use them in judging my time. Though I know it's nearly lunchtime, time to pick up my son from the gates of his school, I only leave home as the last bell at 12 tolls.
My village. My life here in Europe. A little piece of history and nature combined in the modern technology of life in this great big world. The history is alive, as is the modern day world. It's a very nice mix.
3.09.2010
Jet Lag ro Worry
I am not sure I ever knew what jet lag was before. This business is sincerely sucky. I am having the most difficult time ever getting back into the swing of things. I am completely and thoroughly exhausted. I have been to America and back so many times, yet this trip has done me in. I can't sleep at night and feel wholly worn out. I can't focus.
Maybe it comes from worrying about what's to come. I have appointments coming up to decide the future of my hand. All I want is for the tests to show it can be healed. I actually hope the nerve has attached to scar tissue or has stopped growing together due to scar tissue. I want the neurologist to announce: This is how it is and surgery will take care of it.
I'm tired of the pain and the feeling of balloons attached to my body. I don't like looking at the discolored appendages stuck on what used to be my fingers. I hate trying to grasp something and it falling through my fingers. Or actually getting a grasp on something, and pain shooting through as if I'm on fire. Or having to wear gloves with my fingers in one hole to try to keep them somewhat warm so as not to have the pain bring me to tears.
It's strange, how this disbaility I call my hand now looks somewhat normal, but feels worse by the day. I don't want my future to involve a hand that can't function, or pain that can't be relieved. I just want things to be back to normal. I want it to feel how I try to portray it to the rest of the world. As if everything is really okay.
I hope that becomes my reality very soon.
Maybe it comes from worrying about what's to come. I have appointments coming up to decide the future of my hand. All I want is for the tests to show it can be healed. I actually hope the nerve has attached to scar tissue or has stopped growing together due to scar tissue. I want the neurologist to announce: This is how it is and surgery will take care of it.
I'm tired of the pain and the feeling of balloons attached to my body. I don't like looking at the discolored appendages stuck on what used to be my fingers. I hate trying to grasp something and it falling through my fingers. Or actually getting a grasp on something, and pain shooting through as if I'm on fire. Or having to wear gloves with my fingers in one hole to try to keep them somewhat warm so as not to have the pain bring me to tears.
It's strange, how this disbaility I call my hand now looks somewhat normal, but feels worse by the day. I don't want my future to involve a hand that can't function, or pain that can't be relieved. I just want things to be back to normal. I want it to feel how I try to portray it to the rest of the world. As if everything is really okay.
I hope that becomes my reality very soon.
3.04.2010
Vacation Learnings
Erwin and I returned home from vacation last night. The non-stop cuddles I received were welcome with open arms. My baby missed his mama and it felt so good to have him in my arms again. Now I can await Friday to see my other little love again. Our vacation was a wonderful getaway and a much deserved break for us as a couple. There are many things I learned on vacation, and I'm going to try to break it down.
- My parents, wherever they are, feel like home. Having them around me makes me feel complete. On this visit, I didn't feel like a little girl, but an adult sharing my life with them. Maybe that comes from not going 'home' to my childhood home, but it felt good to be with them as the woman I am. However, being closed up in their arms was like a little piece of heaven and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
- American teenagers are a different breed. We went to eat at Taco Bell one night and the kids hanging out spilled into the parking lot and the restaurant, their clothing in shambles, and their rudeness extreme. There needs to be someplace these kids can go, other than a rundown aprking lot in some hooker town.
- I discovered a side of my husband that I don't like. He can be very selfish and arrogant, and I was embarrassed when each of my family members asked me if he was okay. His attitude put a definite damper on my happiness being encircled by family. I have learned that Erwin in a crowd of Americans (maybe just after jetlag, but I'm not sure about that) is not the place to be with him if I want to smile and laugh. I need to learn not to let his attitude affect me so much, but allow myself the comfort I feel being surrounded by family. He needs to learn that I accept our life in Europe and he could be more accepting of my needs when in America.
- I discovered that when Erwin and I are alone together, we make a very happy, content couple. We talked and laughed and touched and smiled. It was something we really needed to regain some passion in our marriage, and I think that our trip accomplished this. Being alone forces us to acknowledge the things we love about each other. I have much to love in my husband. And I am grateful for him in my life.
- I realize how much European culture has become a part of me. I missed the ease of life I have here, as well as the after dinner coffee.
- I like warmth. The sunny, blue skies did wonders for my spirit. The deep blue made me sing with happiness.
- I love the adrenaline rush of the city, but it gets on my nerves very quickly. The crowds of people and the noise start making me crazy after a very short time. All I need to feel replensihed is a day out in nature. Where we were in nature didn't matter, but it gave me a sense of peace and a disbelief in just how big the world is. Mountains, desert, rocks, sand, trees, cactus, animals...all of that is the true me.
- No matter how long I have been apart from family, when we gather together it feels like the comfort of home. Having my family members close, being able to share jokes at the spur of a moment without thinking about how to say it, having history with these people, and being surrounded by love is something I truly treasure.
- I am frugal. I was astonished by the high prices of food and goods in the American stores. I couldn't bring myself to buy some things because the cost was too high. I also realized how little I need in the way of American products. I used to have bags full of foods and supplies when I returned home from Europe, but this time it was mostly just a few treats and not really things I 'needed'. It felt good to know my life in Europe has become routine and normal and complete without American supplies. I feel as if for the first time I am completely integrated, and can enjoy those little treats from 'home' when I am there, without needing them to exist here.
- Weddings in Vegas are big business. My primary goal on this trip was to see my friend get married. I did. I also witnessed 7 other marriages in an hour. A quick (yes very quick...they get you in and out) Vegas wedding can be anything. Tammy and Richard married in a pink Cadillac with Elvis singing to them, dressed in 50's garb. It was cute. But I missed a bit of the romance and reality of what a wedding is. I guess I enjoyed the variety, but feel the specialness of the event was stripped away. It wasn't what I would have wanted for myself, but it got them married and they were happy, so who am I to judge?
- Nascar doesn't rock my boat. It was fun to see something new and I enjoyed the excitement of all the die-hard fans, but I wouldn't want to do it often. I love car races. But I like other races much more than Nascar!
- I was disappointed in the patriotism of Americans during the presentation of the flag and the American Anthem during the hockey game. There were rude comments being shouted and few people placed their hand over their heart. I was touched by this event. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the deep love for my country and what it all means: land of the free, home of the brave...In America with the flag shining. I am glad this is something I value.
- My kids are just fine when I am away, but they miss their mama. My in-laws took good care of Jari and our home, and my friends took good care of Kaeden in my absence. However, Jari wouldn't leave my side upon my return, and he was happy I was home. It feels good to be needed. Oma said that's what she realized being in my home. That she was needed, and it felt good. That's what being a mother and wife and homemaker is all about, and that is my job. I am glad I do my job well.
- I had a mini-breakdown when it was time to leave America. I was cranky and upset and didn't know why, but as I drank my morning coffee in a little coffe shop, tears spilled down my cheeks and I started to sob. I truly miss my homeland, and it hurts to say goodbye. Somehow, I am more free to be myself when I am in America. As much as Europe has become my home, nothing can ever replace the American girl that makes up who I am. I was born an American, and I am proud to be an American.
There is so much more I learned on this trip. However, I can't put it all into words. These are just a few of the points I recognized. I am glad to be back in my home, where I will cook a real meal tonight in my own kitchen and fold my laundry fresh from my dryer. It was nice to wake up to a sunny morning and go out and feed my animals. I am home. And home is where you hang your hat. Home is what you make of it. I am caught between two homes, but I fit well into both. I realize that I adjust well. I am thankful I am who I am. I am thankful I have two places I can hang my hat and feel that comfortable feeling of home.
And I am glad I have this
2.25.2010
Vegas
We made it to Vegas. It's definitely warmer than home and feels nice to walk in the sunshine without a winter coat and scarf keeping me warm. It's nice to be back in America, but it's been a slightly rocky adventure of sorts. I have family here visiting me before I attend the wedding of my girlfriend. At the moment, there are eight family members spread troughout this casino hotel, all here because they want to be here with me. It makes me feel special and loved, and I am thrilled they are all present, sharing their time with me. However, 10 people in one space with differing opinions makes for a bit of stress and pandemonium. Add to that 3 people who can't walk (oh, geez, my parents have aged with their health issues since I last saw them and it sincerely hurts my heart) in Vegas, and the choices are slightly limited. Spending days in a casino is not exactly a cup of tea. Though I enjoy trying out my luck for a $20 pop, that's about the extent of my gambling enjoyment. But sitting inside a casino for hours on end and those bells start pushing you, and when they do, your inner spirit falls as you realize that hard-earned cash is being thrown down the drain. It's not that I have lost much money, but it still seems so pointless. I can slightly understand how people get addicted, because it just makes you a bit crazy, all those clinks and bells and spinning wheels.
My dad gave a couple homeless people money yesterday while we were eating breakfast at Burger King on the way outta town to get into nature. I felt bad about telling him that he's just enabling them. My dad is a good, giving person, and would help the world if he could. Especially those less fortunate. He has a soft spot for people that need help. But here in Vegas, there are a LOT of homeless, and shelling out money to a select few is not going to save the world. It won't even save those few. And though I don't think that handing drunken homeless is the key to helping them, I wish I wouldn't have berated my dad for it. He was just trying to help, and I hope that he doesn't look at me in a more selfish light due to my viewpoint. I too would love to figure out how to save those 'lost' souls.
I My gramma could become one of those lost souls. Her gambling habits are quite profound, and it makes me ill to see her throwing her money away like she does. However, she enjoys gambling and told me that if it brings her happiness at this late stage in her life, why shouldn't she do it. Her children are all grown and living their own lives, and she can't take the money with her to her grave. She has a point, but thinking about all the places those hundreds could go besides a slot machine makes me reel in disbelief. I love her immensely and she is also giving and good, but her spending habits leave much to be desired. I hope that when I am her age I can find a worthier cause for my excess money.
I'm starting to miss my boys. They are in good hands, but I feel so far away from them...and I am. I hope they ae doing well and out time apart gives us the needed sustenance to be better parents. We desrve this time away, giving to ourselves, giving our marriage some much needed time and energy. I hope that we have the chance to allow that, and that I have the strength to place my husband at the top of my list instead of taking out my stresses on the person to whom I am closest and have chosen to be my partner in life. But I also hope he will try harder to give me time with my family without adding extra pressure to the already hectic nature of this trip. It has been SO long since I have been with them. All I want to do is curl up next to my mom in bed and let her play with my hair, just be with her. Our time is too short, too precious, and I'm feeling a bit dissatisfied.
So those are some random thoughts from Vegas. We are having fun and laughing and smiling and I adore having my loved ones close by. And I can't wait to see Tammy and watch her marry this man she has chosen, and hope that she truly has found the one. I'll let you know later if I come out of this crazy casino alive...
My dad gave a couple homeless people money yesterday while we were eating breakfast at Burger King on the way outta town to get into nature. I felt bad about telling him that he's just enabling them. My dad is a good, giving person, and would help the world if he could. Especially those less fortunate. He has a soft spot for people that need help. But here in Vegas, there are a LOT of homeless, and shelling out money to a select few is not going to save the world. It won't even save those few. And though I don't think that handing drunken homeless is the key to helping them, I wish I wouldn't have berated my dad for it. He was just trying to help, and I hope that he doesn't look at me in a more selfish light due to my viewpoint. I too would love to figure out how to save those 'lost' souls.
I My gramma could become one of those lost souls. Her gambling habits are quite profound, and it makes me ill to see her throwing her money away like she does. However, she enjoys gambling and told me that if it brings her happiness at this late stage in her life, why shouldn't she do it. Her children are all grown and living their own lives, and she can't take the money with her to her grave. She has a point, but thinking about all the places those hundreds could go besides a slot machine makes me reel in disbelief. I love her immensely and she is also giving and good, but her spending habits leave much to be desired. I hope that when I am her age I can find a worthier cause for my excess money.
I'm starting to miss my boys. They are in good hands, but I feel so far away from them...and I am. I hope they ae doing well and out time apart gives us the needed sustenance to be better parents. We desrve this time away, giving to ourselves, giving our marriage some much needed time and energy. I hope that we have the chance to allow that, and that I have the strength to place my husband at the top of my list instead of taking out my stresses on the person to whom I am closest and have chosen to be my partner in life. But I also hope he will try harder to give me time with my family without adding extra pressure to the already hectic nature of this trip. It has been SO long since I have been with them. All I want to do is curl up next to my mom in bed and let her play with my hair, just be with her. Our time is too short, too precious, and I'm feeling a bit dissatisfied.
So those are some random thoughts from Vegas. We are having fun and laughing and smiling and I adore having my loved ones close by. And I can't wait to see Tammy and watch her marry this man she has chosen, and hope that she truly has found the one. I'll let you know later if I come out of this crazy casino alive...
2.20.2010
Tomorrow
It has finally arrived after months of waiting...and it will surely be over all too soon. But for now, I am excited! My first trip to America with just my husband by my side. A chance to visit my family, witness my best friend's marriage, and spend coutless hours sharing warmer weather with my husband, hopefully exploring even more of Nevada...and maybe winning a few dollars pocket money at the slots too. It has finally arrived....it has been long awaited! Yeah! I'll be back with stories to tell....
2.17.2010
Bedtime Games
The scene: Jari and I are snuggling in bed. I am singing, trying to get his eyes to become heavy and allow sleep to overcome him. I rub his back trying to relax him. But...
"Mama, let's play a game!"
"Hey bug, it's nite nite time. Mama is tired. You need to go to sleep so you'll be happy tomorrow."
"C'mon Mama, it's just a little game," he says, swinging his arm around my neck and pulling me in closer. "It's fun!"
"I like games too, but it's too late to play a game. We need to go to sleep."
"Okay mama, but which would you choose? A tv or a computer?"
"I'd pick a computer. Then I can communicate with my family and friends."
"Yeah, and a tv you can just watch for a little while and then it's over. And would you pick a bus or a car?"
"I would pick...."
"I'd pick a bus cuz it's bigger so more people can ride in it and get around. Would you pick water or cola?"
"I'd pick water, because your body has to have water to survive, plus you can make other things with water."
"Yeah. that's what I was gonna say. Uhm...."
"Jari, would you pick a shirt or a jacket?" I asked, knowing I was completely getting myself pulled into the game.
"A jacket, becuase you can always have a very light jacket so you could use it as a shirt, but still be warm if you had to go outside."
" And would you pick a soccer ball or a bike?"
"I'd want to pick a soccer ball, but I would pick a bike. With a bike you can go places and you can carry groceries home on it. And with a soccer ball all you can do is kick it around and you have to carry it, it can't carry you."
"Jari, would you pick a boat or a train?" This game was getting fun. I wasn't even tired anymore, considering my son's answers.
''A boat. I think. But maybe a train. A boat takes you all across the water to see Gramma and Grampa in America. But a train can go faster, but I can't go to America then. Can't I pick an airplane? Mama, would you pick carrots or strawberries?"
"I would pick strawberries. They're yummy!!! So, would you pick hugs or kisses?"
"Uhm, I would pick kisses. Would you pick hugs or kisses, mama?"
"I would pick hugs. I like kisses, but hugs squeeze the love right into you. And you get warm from hugs. And you can feel a heartbeat with a hug. I like hugs the best."
""Mama, can I have a kiss before I go to sleep?"
I reach over to give him a kiss and tell him I love my Jari kisses. He reaches around my neck and snuggles tight against me. Sleep is finally overcoming him after our little game, as it has awakened me. I begin to sing, loving the feel of my son snuggled next to me. He turns his head toward me.
"Mama, I think I like hugs best too. We like to snuggle close, huh mama? And I can feel your love."
And I started to sing softly, his hair tickling my face: Mama's boy, Mama's boy, he's the center, of mama's world....Mama's boy."
And later when I woke up, I could still feel his warmth, still feel his love emanating through to me.
"Mama, let's play a game!"
"Hey bug, it's nite nite time. Mama is tired. You need to go to sleep so you'll be happy tomorrow."
"C'mon Mama, it's just a little game," he says, swinging his arm around my neck and pulling me in closer. "It's fun!"
"I like games too, but it's too late to play a game. We need to go to sleep."
"Okay mama, but which would you choose? A tv or a computer?"
"I'd pick a computer. Then I can communicate with my family and friends."
"Yeah, and a tv you can just watch for a little while and then it's over. And would you pick a bus or a car?"
"I would pick...."
"I'd pick a bus cuz it's bigger so more people can ride in it and get around. Would you pick water or cola?"
"I'd pick water, because your body has to have water to survive, plus you can make other things with water."
"Yeah. that's what I was gonna say. Uhm...."
"Jari, would you pick a shirt or a jacket?" I asked, knowing I was completely getting myself pulled into the game.
"A jacket, becuase you can always have a very light jacket so you could use it as a shirt, but still be warm if you had to go outside."
" And would you pick a soccer ball or a bike?"
"I'd want to pick a soccer ball, but I would pick a bike. With a bike you can go places and you can carry groceries home on it. And with a soccer ball all you can do is kick it around and you have to carry it, it can't carry you."
"Jari, would you pick a boat or a train?" This game was getting fun. I wasn't even tired anymore, considering my son's answers.
''A boat. I think. But maybe a train. A boat takes you all across the water to see Gramma and Grampa in America. But a train can go faster, but I can't go to America then. Can't I pick an airplane? Mama, would you pick carrots or strawberries?"
"I would pick strawberries. They're yummy!!! So, would you pick hugs or kisses?"
"Uhm, I would pick kisses. Would you pick hugs or kisses, mama?"
"I would pick hugs. I like kisses, but hugs squeeze the love right into you. And you get warm from hugs. And you can feel a heartbeat with a hug. I like hugs the best."
""Mama, can I have a kiss before I go to sleep?"
I reach over to give him a kiss and tell him I love my Jari kisses. He reaches around my neck and snuggles tight against me. Sleep is finally overcoming him after our little game, as it has awakened me. I begin to sing, loving the feel of my son snuggled next to me. He turns his head toward me.
"Mama, I think I like hugs best too. We like to snuggle close, huh mama? And I can feel your love."
And I started to sing softly, his hair tickling my face: Mama's boy, Mama's boy, he's the center, of mama's world....Mama's boy."
And later when I woke up, I could still feel his warmth, still feel his love emanating through to me.
2.13.2010
Fuzzy Dice
Jari and I played a game the other night before bed. It wasn't a typical game we play. Oh no, we played a game designed for mamas and papas.
Last Valentine's Day, I gave Erwin those fuzzy dice, a game for us to play. On the red dice are the words Toes, Lips, Neck, Ears. On the black dice the words Kiss, Lick, Tickle... and Jari found the dice in our room as we were getting ready for bed.
"What is this for, mama?" he asked me. "Uhm, it's a game," I responded, my cheeks a bit flushed with red. "Can we play it?" he asked. "Uhm, okay" I answered, not sure how to play this out. I didn't want to confront him with the reality of what kind of game it was, stripping him of his little boy innocence. So, we played the game.
He giggled. He loved it when he had to tickle my ears as I laughed and laughed. He loved it even more when I was forced to lick his toes. "Ewwww, you have a GROSS one," he chuckled as he held out his fresh from the bath feet for me to lick. Luckily, they were fresh from the bath.
Throughout our ten minute game, my mind raced. This is NOT something you should be playing with your son. This is a sex game. This shouldn't be happening. Yet, as we played and laughed and giggled, it was also all okay, innocence at its finest.
At least the dice got their first use. I think I will once again retire the dice to their quiet place in the cupboard, hoping that one day Erwin and I can play. But, for the time being, the red and black fuzzy dice proved to me that sex is only sex when the innocence is lost.
Last Valentine's Day, I gave Erwin those fuzzy dice, a game for us to play. On the red dice are the words Toes, Lips, Neck, Ears. On the black dice the words Kiss, Lick, Tickle... and Jari found the dice in our room as we were getting ready for bed.
"What is this for, mama?" he asked me. "Uhm, it's a game," I responded, my cheeks a bit flushed with red. "Can we play it?" he asked. "Uhm, okay" I answered, not sure how to play this out. I didn't want to confront him with the reality of what kind of game it was, stripping him of his little boy innocence. So, we played the game.
He giggled. He loved it when he had to tickle my ears as I laughed and laughed. He loved it even more when I was forced to lick his toes. "Ewwww, you have a GROSS one," he chuckled as he held out his fresh from the bath feet for me to lick. Luckily, they were fresh from the bath.
Throughout our ten minute game, my mind raced. This is NOT something you should be playing with your son. This is a sex game. This shouldn't be happening. Yet, as we played and laughed and giggled, it was also all okay, innocence at its finest.
At least the dice got their first use. I think I will once again retire the dice to their quiet place in the cupboard, hoping that one day Erwin and I can play. But, for the time being, the red and black fuzzy dice proved to me that sex is only sex when the innocence is lost.
2.09.2010
Cereal
One of the things I love is when I am getting Jari breakfast. He comes downstairs, his hair all askew, and I greet him good morning and ask if he slept well. He always looks so little to me in the morning, and as I stand at the counter making Erwin's lunch while he runs in to go pee, I watch his pyjama clad body retreat.
When he comes back, I always go to him, give him a quick cuddle, and ask what he'd like for breakfast. Samwich or cereal? Most often, it's cereal. I actually prefer it that way, knowing we get to go through one of my favorite rituals. I open the cupboard door and check the cereal contents. We don't buy name brand, except on the surprise ocassion, and our cereals are not called Honey Loops or Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp. Instead, Jari names them by the picture on the box. Bee (the round ones or the circles?), Penguin, Bear. Sometimes, the picture changes as a different brand is purchased, but even if the penguin has turned into a polar bear, it's still penguin cereal. It always makes me smile.
So, I check the contents, and ask if he'd like Penguin or Bee? Penguin, he says, as I retrieve a bowl from the cupboard. There is no penguin on the box, no picture at all in fact, and he asks as he watches, "Are you sure that's Penguin cereal, mama?" I hand him his cereal, with just a touch of milk as he hates soggy flakes, and won't drink what's left in the bowl, and answer "Of course it's Penguin cereal!!!" And always, always, I ask him if it's yummy, and he always, always answers YES!
Penguin cereal is one of his favorites. Penguin cereal is the equivalent of Frosted Flakes. Monkey cereal is a close second, aka Cocoa Crispies. And then there's the Bee...have any idea what the Bee might bee? Think oma and opa will be able to decipher our secret cereal language when they come to take care of Jari while we're away? I may need to write out a cereal decoder...but it won't matter, as oma and opa call it all "hondenbrokjes (dog food)" or plain ole cornflakes....but who'd pick Cornflakes when you could choose the Penguin instead? :-)
When he comes back, I always go to him, give him a quick cuddle, and ask what he'd like for breakfast. Samwich or cereal? Most often, it's cereal. I actually prefer it that way, knowing we get to go through one of my favorite rituals. I open the cupboard door and check the cereal contents. We don't buy name brand, except on the surprise ocassion, and our cereals are not called Honey Loops or Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp. Instead, Jari names them by the picture on the box. Bee (the round ones or the circles?), Penguin, Bear. Sometimes, the picture changes as a different brand is purchased, but even if the penguin has turned into a polar bear, it's still penguin cereal. It always makes me smile.
So, I check the contents, and ask if he'd like Penguin or Bee? Penguin, he says, as I retrieve a bowl from the cupboard. There is no penguin on the box, no picture at all in fact, and he asks as he watches, "Are you sure that's Penguin cereal, mama?" I hand him his cereal, with just a touch of milk as he hates soggy flakes, and won't drink what's left in the bowl, and answer "Of course it's Penguin cereal!!!" And always, always, I ask him if it's yummy, and he always, always answers YES!
Penguin cereal is one of his favorites. Penguin cereal is the equivalent of Frosted Flakes. Monkey cereal is a close second, aka Cocoa Crispies. And then there's the Bee...have any idea what the Bee might bee? Think oma and opa will be able to decipher our secret cereal language when they come to take care of Jari while we're away? I may need to write out a cereal decoder...but it won't matter, as oma and opa call it all "hondenbrokjes (dog food)" or plain ole cornflakes....but who'd pick Cornflakes when you could choose the Penguin instead? :-)
2.08.2010
"Those" Words
The newest, the latest, another peak. Autism, ups and downs, rounds and rounds. You'd think after all these years, I'd know what to expect. He's already 15, I've been delaing with this for years. But yet again, my world is thrown for a loop, and I'm stunned, staring with a deer in the headlights look, caught unaware.
Kaeden has started cussing. This isn't something really new. He gets frustrated or angry and out come 'those' words. He can't express what he means and 'those' words get a reaction. We remind him (sometimes gently, sometimes in anger) that 'those' are not words we appreciate hearing from the lips of our babe. That 'those' words are not respectful, and indeed are very rude.
So, no, it's not new. But the style with which he's started using 'those' words is new. It isn't when he's angered or frustrated. It isn't when he's confused. It's more like he thinks this is the new cool and he's going to be the coolest kid on the block. He walks around muttering Shit, Damn, Fuck and Jesus Christ all day long, adding 'those' words to each and every sentence which leaves his mouth. "Jesus Christ, this is fucking good coffee." "Shit, I can't find that goddamn movie." "What the hell? Where did I put my fucking coat?" "Mom, Know what? I learned a fucking cool new move at Judo"!"
And it's annoying me. I may ocassionaly allow a curse word to pass my lips, but it's not something that is typical in our home. We don't use 'those' words in everyday conversation. But Kaeden does, and I am not sure how much more I can listen to before I explode. I constantly remind him to stop, I explain that it isn't nice, and I even send him to his room to get control of himself. But he simply continues.
Another stage of autism, another peak on the rollercoaster ride. Any ideas?
Kaeden has started cussing. This isn't something really new. He gets frustrated or angry and out come 'those' words. He can't express what he means and 'those' words get a reaction. We remind him (sometimes gently, sometimes in anger) that 'those' are not words we appreciate hearing from the lips of our babe. That 'those' words are not respectful, and indeed are very rude.
So, no, it's not new. But the style with which he's started using 'those' words is new. It isn't when he's angered or frustrated. It isn't when he's confused. It's more like he thinks this is the new cool and he's going to be the coolest kid on the block. He walks around muttering Shit, Damn, Fuck and Jesus Christ all day long, adding 'those' words to each and every sentence which leaves his mouth. "Jesus Christ, this is fucking good coffee." "Shit, I can't find that goddamn movie." "What the hell? Where did I put my fucking coat?" "Mom, Know what? I learned a fucking cool new move at Judo"!"
And it's annoying me. I may ocassionaly allow a curse word to pass my lips, but it's not something that is typical in our home. We don't use 'those' words in everyday conversation. But Kaeden does, and I am not sure how much more I can listen to before I explode. I constantly remind him to stop, I explain that it isn't nice, and I even send him to his room to get control of himself. But he simply continues.
Another stage of autism, another peak on the rollercoaster ride. Any ideas?
2.03.2010
The Day Plays Out
I stood at the reception counter and paid my bill. There was nobody in front of me, noone waiting behind me. Just me and the receptionist in this normally very busy doctor's office. A doctor's office where differing doctors are present on differing days, space rented to spread their service area, bring more specialty services to our local area. It's a place I have become a frequent visitor recently. It almost feels natural to head there, and I no longer need to say my name when I check in. They know me. It feels kind of relaxing, in a situation which is far from stress-free.
So, I paid my bill, zipped my wallet into my backpack, and headed out the door slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I didn't know what my plan was. I had taken the bus to the doctor's office, knowing I could catch another bus home, or walk. With the snow falling down leaving my covered in wetness, a a bite whipping through the breeze, I looked at my clock. 30 minutes til the bus arrived. What could I do in 30 minutes time?
I headed to the dentist to get my paperwork stamped which the dentist forgot to stamp at our last visit. She came out with her mask and gloves on and I heard the whirring of her equipment in the background. My mind was blank, but I smiled and asked about her new twins, then asked her to take care of this little task. I was out the door in two minutes.
I went into the pharmacy and paid the bill I owed, not giving Kaeden enough money to pay for his meds last time. I still owed 5,96, and when I went in, the pharmacist immediately went in search of his tucked away copy of the bill. "Yeah, Kaeden's medicine costs have gone up," he told me. I thanked him for turning over his medication anyway in good faith.
25 minutes til the bus arrives I thought. 2 minutes to walk to the stop. 23 minutes to go. My mind was still swarming. I couldn't concentrate and just wanted to go home. I needed to go home.
I walked into the store and grabbed a pair of socks to send to my niece. Socks are easy, just stick them in an envelope, no extra postage. I like socks since moving to Europe. A perfect little Ï'm thinking of you"gift. I grabbed a couple cards on my way to the checkout, and noticed a big bag of lolly-pops which Jari has been begging me to buy. So, I did. I added my loot to my backpack. I no longer carry a purse, but my backpack is always on stand-by for those little purchases, a bottle of water, and a pack of cookies in case Jari is with me. He gets cranky when he's hungry.
I looked at the clock above the optician. 9:33. The time was wrong, the hour way off base, the minutes exactly on. I had 10 minutes to go. I decided I'd just have to wait longer for the bus. I didn't have enough time to do anything else, so I started the short walk in the falling snow. It was falling in huge flakes, wet but not sticking. My hair became wet and the droplets fell from my jacket. I stood at the busstop, feeling the cold, my mind still swarming, yet nearly blank.
The bus arrived and I put my ticket into the reader. It took off 80 cents for my 4 minute ride, and I considered for a moment I should have just walked home. There were 4 other passengers, all elderly, and they watched me as I passed and the bus jaunted on it's way. I took my seat, thinking it barely paid to sit down. Yet I did, and then glanced out the misty windows. We stopped to pick up another passenger. He climbed onto the bus using his cane, and as he limped towards a seat, my eyes misted over, just as the windows on the bus. He's handicapped, I thought. Life isn't easy for him. He can't walk.
And then my thoughts turned back to the doctor's office, to my visit to the neurologist and the nerve tests I had just had done. I'm handicapped too. My hand is not healing. I have nerve damage, and muscle damage, and instead of getting better, it's turned for the worse.
And the blur looking out the window was misted over, and I wasn't sure if it was from the warm air hitting the cold bus windows, or the tears suddenly streaking down my own cheeks.
So, I paid my bill, zipped my wallet into my backpack, and headed out the door slinging my backpack over my shoulder. I didn't know what my plan was. I had taken the bus to the doctor's office, knowing I could catch another bus home, or walk. With the snow falling down leaving my covered in wetness, a a bite whipping through the breeze, I looked at my clock. 30 minutes til the bus arrived. What could I do in 30 minutes time?
I headed to the dentist to get my paperwork stamped which the dentist forgot to stamp at our last visit. She came out with her mask and gloves on and I heard the whirring of her equipment in the background. My mind was blank, but I smiled and asked about her new twins, then asked her to take care of this little task. I was out the door in two minutes.
I went into the pharmacy and paid the bill I owed, not giving Kaeden enough money to pay for his meds last time. I still owed 5,96, and when I went in, the pharmacist immediately went in search of his tucked away copy of the bill. "Yeah, Kaeden's medicine costs have gone up," he told me. I thanked him for turning over his medication anyway in good faith.
25 minutes til the bus arrives I thought. 2 minutes to walk to the stop. 23 minutes to go. My mind was still swarming. I couldn't concentrate and just wanted to go home. I needed to go home.
I walked into the store and grabbed a pair of socks to send to my niece. Socks are easy, just stick them in an envelope, no extra postage. I like socks since moving to Europe. A perfect little Ï'm thinking of you"gift. I grabbed a couple cards on my way to the checkout, and noticed a big bag of lolly-pops which Jari has been begging me to buy. So, I did. I added my loot to my backpack. I no longer carry a purse, but my backpack is always on stand-by for those little purchases, a bottle of water, and a pack of cookies in case Jari is with me. He gets cranky when he's hungry.
I looked at the clock above the optician. 9:33. The time was wrong, the hour way off base, the minutes exactly on. I had 10 minutes to go. I decided I'd just have to wait longer for the bus. I didn't have enough time to do anything else, so I started the short walk in the falling snow. It was falling in huge flakes, wet but not sticking. My hair became wet and the droplets fell from my jacket. I stood at the busstop, feeling the cold, my mind still swarming, yet nearly blank.
The bus arrived and I put my ticket into the reader. It took off 80 cents for my 4 minute ride, and I considered for a moment I should have just walked home. There were 4 other passengers, all elderly, and they watched me as I passed and the bus jaunted on it's way. I took my seat, thinking it barely paid to sit down. Yet I did, and then glanced out the misty windows. We stopped to pick up another passenger. He climbed onto the bus using his cane, and as he limped towards a seat, my eyes misted over, just as the windows on the bus. He's handicapped, I thought. Life isn't easy for him. He can't walk.
And then my thoughts turned back to the doctor's office, to my visit to the neurologist and the nerve tests I had just had done. I'm handicapped too. My hand is not healing. I have nerve damage, and muscle damage, and instead of getting better, it's turned for the worse.
And the blur looking out the window was misted over, and I wasn't sure if it was from the warm air hitting the cold bus windows, or the tears suddenly streaking down my own cheeks.
2.01.2010
Legalities of Kids
So, Erwin and I are heading off on our first overseas vacation just the two of us. Though I'm looking forward to going and have made all the arrangements for the care of the kids while we're gone, we haven't yet completed the one task I feel pressured to do. We haven't taken care of the legal paperwork to ensure our kids are secure in the case something should happen and we should both die.
There are numerous reasons for this. First, I don't even want to consider dying, let alone leaving my children parentless. Second, I'm not entirely sure what I need to do legally. And third, our situation is so completely complicated, Erwin and I cannot come to a decision as to who to name as our children's guardians. Neither of us feel confident naming any of our friends or family members as guardians for our kids. It's not that we don't trust family members, and it's not that we don't think they'd keep our kids best interests at heart. But in this place where we have to make a choice of guardians for our children, to place their entire future in another's hands, is overwhelming and we feel completely and utterly alone. Not just me, not just him, but both of us. It's something we agree non regarding this subject of which we've discussed frequently the past number of weeks.
A typical choice would be our parents. One set or the other. However, both of our parents are aging and not in the best of health and we don't feel that we should strap them with the care of our children. When I see and hear how tired they are just keeping them for short visits, whether a day or a month, I know we cannot put the responsibility of raising our boys on them. They are simply too old to have to raise a young family again, and add an autistic child with special needs to the mix and it seems impossible.
We live in one country, my family lives in another (in which Jari has never named America home and it would be so difficult to take away all that is comfortable and normal to him in the face of losing his parents as well), and Erwin's family lives in yet another country. The logistics of this are daunting. Legally, there would be thousands of hurdles.
Our siblings would be another logical choice. However, we don't feel that saddling our brothers and sister with our kids is a possibility. Erwin's sister has chosen not to have children because she doesn't want them. We can't force someone who doesn't even want kids to take on the responsibility of our boys. My one brother and I don't have a strong relationship (though it has gotten better over the past year, it's not a relationship I could comfortably place my children) and we don't agree with their parenting choices, as they vary so greatly from our own. My youngest brother, though I love him dearly, I can't see him and his family being able to deal with all the conflicts that come with raising Kaeden. We know that all of our siblings would do the best they can for our boys, but we can't find any of them the best choice for our kids.
Friends: I have a number of close friends with whom we have considered. Some are our age, but have no children. Some are just not financially or mentally stable enough. Some we don't know well enough, others we don't think they'd be able to handle the addition of our boys. Other Family: There should be options here, but as we go through the list, the options seem to dwindle away. One of our main choices due to lifestyle, parenting choices, and knowing the boys would be loved and well cared for, is negated due to the acceptance of marijuana use in the home, which we don't feel right subjecting our children to.
Kaeden's autism certainly plays a major role in our difficulty with choosing. His autism creates additional financial and emotional burdens in which people would have to be able to accept and deal with. I sincerely do not know many people who could have this stress added to their lives and be okay with it. I need to know, without a doubt, that he would be loved and accepted and helped, and I don't know where to find that within or outside of our family, in the face of looking at a lifetime. Because with Kaeden, it is a lifetime, and not just until he's old enough to move out of the house like it would be for Jari.
Yesterday, as Erwin and I sat talking this through over coffee at the kitchen table, we both fell silent when Erwin suddenly commented that maybe the best would be for our children to become wards of the court and be placed in a foster family who would come to accept and love them as their own. We wouldn't burden others and the boys would be cared for. But we all know how fostering works and how children get thrown from place to place.
In the face of losing their parents, I don't want my children to also lose the love of family, close friends, and the comforts they have known their entire lives. I just cannot fathom what to do, and I am totally stressed about this decision. Most likely, we will never have to use our choice, most likely our children will not lose their parents...but the possibility does exist. What are we supposed to do? How can we make a decision that concerns not only the future of our kids, but of whoever takes on this responsibility? How can we ensure they will be loved? How can we ensure they remain together as brothers and don't lose parents, home and a brother?
I don't like having to consider this. But it's one of those jobs we signed up for without knowing it when we made the choice to become parents. And I believe that it's the least we can offer our children, ensuring them their security, if it does come to play in our lives. Now, how, where, and most importantly, WHO?
There are numerous reasons for this. First, I don't even want to consider dying, let alone leaving my children parentless. Second, I'm not entirely sure what I need to do legally. And third, our situation is so completely complicated, Erwin and I cannot come to a decision as to who to name as our children's guardians. Neither of us feel confident naming any of our friends or family members as guardians for our kids. It's not that we don't trust family members, and it's not that we don't think they'd keep our kids best interests at heart. But in this place where we have to make a choice of guardians for our children, to place their entire future in another's hands, is overwhelming and we feel completely and utterly alone. Not just me, not just him, but both of us. It's something we agree non regarding this subject of which we've discussed frequently the past number of weeks.
A typical choice would be our parents. One set or the other. However, both of our parents are aging and not in the best of health and we don't feel that we should strap them with the care of our children. When I see and hear how tired they are just keeping them for short visits, whether a day or a month, I know we cannot put the responsibility of raising our boys on them. They are simply too old to have to raise a young family again, and add an autistic child with special needs to the mix and it seems impossible.
We live in one country, my family lives in another (in which Jari has never named America home and it would be so difficult to take away all that is comfortable and normal to him in the face of losing his parents as well), and Erwin's family lives in yet another country. The logistics of this are daunting. Legally, there would be thousands of hurdles.
Our siblings would be another logical choice. However, we don't feel that saddling our brothers and sister with our kids is a possibility. Erwin's sister has chosen not to have children because she doesn't want them. We can't force someone who doesn't even want kids to take on the responsibility of our boys. My one brother and I don't have a strong relationship (though it has gotten better over the past year, it's not a relationship I could comfortably place my children) and we don't agree with their parenting choices, as they vary so greatly from our own. My youngest brother, though I love him dearly, I can't see him and his family being able to deal with all the conflicts that come with raising Kaeden. We know that all of our siblings would do the best they can for our boys, but we can't find any of them the best choice for our kids.
Friends: I have a number of close friends with whom we have considered. Some are our age, but have no children. Some are just not financially or mentally stable enough. Some we don't know well enough, others we don't think they'd be able to handle the addition of our boys. Other Family: There should be options here, but as we go through the list, the options seem to dwindle away. One of our main choices due to lifestyle, parenting choices, and knowing the boys would be loved and well cared for, is negated due to the acceptance of marijuana use in the home, which we don't feel right subjecting our children to.
Kaeden's autism certainly plays a major role in our difficulty with choosing. His autism creates additional financial and emotional burdens in which people would have to be able to accept and deal with. I sincerely do not know many people who could have this stress added to their lives and be okay with it. I need to know, without a doubt, that he would be loved and accepted and helped, and I don't know where to find that within or outside of our family, in the face of looking at a lifetime. Because with Kaeden, it is a lifetime, and not just until he's old enough to move out of the house like it would be for Jari.
Yesterday, as Erwin and I sat talking this through over coffee at the kitchen table, we both fell silent when Erwin suddenly commented that maybe the best would be for our children to become wards of the court and be placed in a foster family who would come to accept and love them as their own. We wouldn't burden others and the boys would be cared for. But we all know how fostering works and how children get thrown from place to place.
In the face of losing their parents, I don't want my children to also lose the love of family, close friends, and the comforts they have known their entire lives. I just cannot fathom what to do, and I am totally stressed about this decision. Most likely, we will never have to use our choice, most likely our children will not lose their parents...but the possibility does exist. What are we supposed to do? How can we make a decision that concerns not only the future of our kids, but of whoever takes on this responsibility? How can we ensure they will be loved? How can we ensure they remain together as brothers and don't lose parents, home and a brother?
I don't like having to consider this. But it's one of those jobs we signed up for without knowing it when we made the choice to become parents. And I believe that it's the least we can offer our children, ensuring them their security, if it does come to play in our lives. Now, how, where, and most importantly, WHO?
1.22.2010
Haiti
Watching it all unfold on tv it is just so unreal to me. I am unable to physically place myself in the scene of the disaster, so mentally it doesn't quite hit the very core of me. It can't. I wasn't there, living through the shaking, the fear of buildings crumbling around me, the deep sadness as I passed dead bodies in every direction I looked. The disbelief that my home and my life has been stripped form me, from all of us.
But I do feel compassion and a pit of unrest deep inside of me. My eyes fill with tears at the thought of such a poor country being robbed of the little they had. Seeing the people struggling to survive, people, just like you and me, people who have to hang onto a little tiny shred of hope in order to just survive.
Yesterday in Holland was a big action calling for monetary help for Haiti. As I watched on tv I felt pride in the human race. Whatever downfalls we may all suffer through in our own lives, we still want to help, to give, to hope. The money rushed in, some people giving up their summer vacation to help those in need, others handing over a candy bar they wouldn't purchase with their lunch. It didn't matter how much or how little, people were coming together for a cause to make something right in the face of a storm...a big, disasterous storm.
I was a victim of an earthquake. When I was in my 20's living in LA, my own home collapsed during the Northridge Earthquake. Sleeping in my cozy bed feeling safe, I was suddenly thrown across the room with the glass of the window shattering at my feet, my mattress covering me in safety. My whimpering puppy lay next to me, and after the shock of it all, I went in search of my roommate. It was so dark and wherever you stepped you could feel pieces of your life crunching under your feet. We dressed with whatever we could manage to find and made our way outdoors with all the rest of the freaked out people. We still had no idea what had happened, but we knew that we were okay, we had survived, even if nothing else had.
In the coming weeks after the earthquake, living in temporary housing at a hotel paid for by FEMA, fearful of the aftershocks that kept coming, no longer being employed, no longer having a home or any belongings, I finally admitted defeat, leaving my California life behind me and returning to my family to accept their offers of help. I had survived an earthquake.
But, the death toll in my earthquake was minimal compared to the lost lives we are seeing today. I can empathize with the survivors of the earthquake on some level, but I never had to face all the deaths of my family members, friends, or common countrymen. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine, and yet I see the pictures forcing me face to face with the devastation. It grips me, and I shudder. Yet I can't begin to imagine, can't begin to understand. Thankfully, this time I wasn't there in the midst.
This time, all I could do was make a small donation to help people in need, a country in need. And be just one face in a large crowd offering hope in the form of money, compassion in the form of silver and gold. It seems wrong, but it's all I can do. I am one of the millions who care, just one whose tiny offering has expanded to something that really can help. I pray for the dead, I pray for the survivors, and I continue to have hope. I offer them hope.
Here are a couple sites in which you can also offer hope:
American Red Cross (US): https://secure3.convio.net/arc3/site/Donation2?idb=0&df_id=1320&1320.donation=form1&s_src=RSG00100E002&s_subsrc=eopgov
Doctors Without Borders (US): https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=197&hbc=1&source=ADR1001E1D01
Doctors Without Borders (Various Countries): http://doctorswithoutborders.org/donate/otheroffices.cfm
Samenwerkende Hulporganisaties (in Nederland): http://www.giro555.nl/nl-NL/default.aspx
But I do feel compassion and a pit of unrest deep inside of me. My eyes fill with tears at the thought of such a poor country being robbed of the little they had. Seeing the people struggling to survive, people, just like you and me, people who have to hang onto a little tiny shred of hope in order to just survive.
Yesterday in Holland was a big action calling for monetary help for Haiti. As I watched on tv I felt pride in the human race. Whatever downfalls we may all suffer through in our own lives, we still want to help, to give, to hope. The money rushed in, some people giving up their summer vacation to help those in need, others handing over a candy bar they wouldn't purchase with their lunch. It didn't matter how much or how little, people were coming together for a cause to make something right in the face of a storm...a big, disasterous storm.
I was a victim of an earthquake. When I was in my 20's living in LA, my own home collapsed during the Northridge Earthquake. Sleeping in my cozy bed feeling safe, I was suddenly thrown across the room with the glass of the window shattering at my feet, my mattress covering me in safety. My whimpering puppy lay next to me, and after the shock of it all, I went in search of my roommate. It was so dark and wherever you stepped you could feel pieces of your life crunching under your feet. We dressed with whatever we could manage to find and made our way outdoors with all the rest of the freaked out people. We still had no idea what had happened, but we knew that we were okay, we had survived, even if nothing else had.
In the coming weeks after the earthquake, living in temporary housing at a hotel paid for by FEMA, fearful of the aftershocks that kept coming, no longer being employed, no longer having a home or any belongings, I finally admitted defeat, leaving my California life behind me and returning to my family to accept their offers of help. I had survived an earthquake.
But, the death toll in my earthquake was minimal compared to the lost lives we are seeing today. I can empathize with the survivors of the earthquake on some level, but I never had to face all the deaths of my family members, friends, or common countrymen. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine, and yet I see the pictures forcing me face to face with the devastation. It grips me, and I shudder. Yet I can't begin to imagine, can't begin to understand. Thankfully, this time I wasn't there in the midst.
This time, all I could do was make a small donation to help people in need, a country in need. And be just one face in a large crowd offering hope in the form of money, compassion in the form of silver and gold. It seems wrong, but it's all I can do. I am one of the millions who care, just one whose tiny offering has expanded to something that really can help. I pray for the dead, I pray for the survivors, and I continue to have hope. I offer them hope.
Here are a couple sites in which you can also offer hope:
American Red Cross (US): https://secure3.convio.net/arc3/site/Donation2?idb=0&df_id=1320&1320.donation=form1&s_src=RSG00100E002&s_subsrc=eopgov
Doctors Without Borders (US): https://donate.doctorswithoutborders.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=197&hbc=1&source=ADR1001E1D01
Doctors Without Borders (Various Countries): http://doctorswithoutborders.org/donate/otheroffices.cfm
Samenwerkende Hulporganisaties (in Nederland): http://www.giro555.nl/nl-NL/default.aspx
1.18.2010
The Bus Stop
Last week, Jari and I took the bus. We had a 20 minute layover before making our connection. It was cold and snowing so we huddled in the busstop with 4 other travellers. Everything was pretty normal. There were 2 high school girls there dressed in trendy clothes with cell phones and earphones hanging around their necks, one late 20's guy with a camo backpack and long ponytail, and another high school aged student, maybe 18ish, cleancut and looking just like any other typical teen.
I am a people watcher. And an eavesdropper. I find it so interesting to pick up bits of information about other people's lives and devise fantasy lives for them. So, I was listening to the girls discussing their math class, and one pulled out her book where she showed her friend her test. I could tell she was proud of the results, and though I wanted a closer look to see what she was studying and her grade, I held myself back and just listened.
Suddenly, the young man came to life. His voice boomed out through the enclosed bus house and shocked me with his loudness. As he spoke, his sentences were jumbled, his tone too high. He was extremely overexcited. He started telling the girl that his math was harder than hers and he is the best in math and....and and and. I didn't know it, but the girls knew the guy, probably from sharing busses or a class with him previously, and reacted as if there was nothing strange going on.
The 20-something guy had a little smirk on his face, and I think he was also a people watcher/eavesdropper. Jari looked up at me with his huge eyes, a slight smile on his lip. Quietly he asked when the bus was coming. The guy continued to shout about school and the cold and his bus schedule, all in what he considered a normal voice. At one point as he cursed about school, one of the girls asked him to watch his language and pointed at Jari. The guy answered Öh yeah"" and though he was still animated, I didn't hear him curse again.
The girls eventually put in their earphones trying to escape his energy. I was never involved in the conversation, but found it so interesting. His mannerisms, his voice, his obsession with bus times, his trying to fit in in a world where it doesn't come naturally. His bus was late, and he was cold and unhappy. He tried to make his point by discussing the politics of the bus company, yet he didn't really know what he was talking about, or if he did, he was having difficulty expressing it. As the girls tuned him out listening to music, he decided to copy their behavior and got out his own music player....but he had no headphones to silence the music for others. He turned on his jump music extra loud, holding his music player out so we could all see it, looking at all our faces to make sure we noticed he had one too. He started dancing to the music, quietly nodding his head at first and then his arms and eventually his legs dancing to the rhythm. The girls giggled, asking him what group it was. He didn't respond til his dance was done. As he realized their earphones were put away, he lowered the volume on his and started talking (shouting) again, this time about music. When a bus came through and stopped at another stop, he took off to ask the driver why his bus was so late.
The girls then watched him, like a hawk. They discussed his weirdness, his misunderstanding of how people are supposed to act, and their interest in whether he was just going to take another bus or catch the correct one when it arrived. The guy came sauntering back over when a disruption across the street captured all our attention. Some teen had knocked over an elderly lady's bike, and she was angry. The guy from our bus stop screamed over across the street: HEY, YOU TRYING TO BREAK THE OLD LADY'S BIKE? with a laugh. The old lady walked away gesturing her hands, the teens righted the bike laughing nervously, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. The girls then noticed another friend and they came over, all talking, as the guy forced his way into the conversataion in close proximity with the girls, though it was obvious he didn't know these new people.
The bus arrived. I was relieved. I don't know why I was relieved. Jari, whose hand was nestled safely in mine the past 10 minutes released my hold, and he spoke to me in a normal quiet tone, rather than the quiet whisper when the others were present. He was also relieved. All I could do was consider the guy...the kid who so wanted to be just another kid, who wanted to fit in, who wanted to have friends to talk about school with, who wanted to be cool...but who wasn't. He so reminded me of my own son, and I was so confused about how to feel.
On one hand, the kid was attending school, taking the bus on his own, and obviously managing it all okay. He was making small talk, even if not in the most accepted way, and he even asked for help when he was concerned about his own late bus. On the other hand, it was obvious he had some infliction, something just not quite right, something that set him apart and made him react in inappropriate ways. Was it autism? I don't know, but it most certainly COULD have been. He reminded me a LOT of Kaeden.
It was an eye-opening experience. I was pleased with the girls for treating him respectfully to his face, as well as teaching him social skills by asking him to tone down his language. Yet, when he left the bus stop, they laughed at him behind his back...a sure sign he was different.
When my own bus came, I stepped on, wondering about the guy, where he would go, what he'd tell his mom about his day. And I said a little prayer for him and my own son.
I am a people watcher. And an eavesdropper. I find it so interesting to pick up bits of information about other people's lives and devise fantasy lives for them. So, I was listening to the girls discussing their math class, and one pulled out her book where she showed her friend her test. I could tell she was proud of the results, and though I wanted a closer look to see what she was studying and her grade, I held myself back and just listened.
Suddenly, the young man came to life. His voice boomed out through the enclosed bus house and shocked me with his loudness. As he spoke, his sentences were jumbled, his tone too high. He was extremely overexcited. He started telling the girl that his math was harder than hers and he is the best in math and....and and and. I didn't know it, but the girls knew the guy, probably from sharing busses or a class with him previously, and reacted as if there was nothing strange going on.
The 20-something guy had a little smirk on his face, and I think he was also a people watcher/eavesdropper. Jari looked up at me with his huge eyes, a slight smile on his lip. Quietly he asked when the bus was coming. The guy continued to shout about school and the cold and his bus schedule, all in what he considered a normal voice. At one point as he cursed about school, one of the girls asked him to watch his language and pointed at Jari. The guy answered Öh yeah"" and though he was still animated, I didn't hear him curse again.
The girls eventually put in their earphones trying to escape his energy. I was never involved in the conversation, but found it so interesting. His mannerisms, his voice, his obsession with bus times, his trying to fit in in a world where it doesn't come naturally. His bus was late, and he was cold and unhappy. He tried to make his point by discussing the politics of the bus company, yet he didn't really know what he was talking about, or if he did, he was having difficulty expressing it. As the girls tuned him out listening to music, he decided to copy their behavior and got out his own music player....but he had no headphones to silence the music for others. He turned on his jump music extra loud, holding his music player out so we could all see it, looking at all our faces to make sure we noticed he had one too. He started dancing to the music, quietly nodding his head at first and then his arms and eventually his legs dancing to the rhythm. The girls giggled, asking him what group it was. He didn't respond til his dance was done. As he realized their earphones were put away, he lowered the volume on his and started talking (shouting) again, this time about music. When a bus came through and stopped at another stop, he took off to ask the driver why his bus was so late.
The girls then watched him, like a hawk. They discussed his weirdness, his misunderstanding of how people are supposed to act, and their interest in whether he was just going to take another bus or catch the correct one when it arrived. The guy came sauntering back over when a disruption across the street captured all our attention. Some teen had knocked over an elderly lady's bike, and she was angry. The guy from our bus stop screamed over across the street: HEY, YOU TRYING TO BREAK THE OLD LADY'S BIKE? with a laugh. The old lady walked away gesturing her hands, the teens righted the bike laughing nervously, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. The girls then noticed another friend and they came over, all talking, as the guy forced his way into the conversataion in close proximity with the girls, though it was obvious he didn't know these new people.
The bus arrived. I was relieved. I don't know why I was relieved. Jari, whose hand was nestled safely in mine the past 10 minutes released my hold, and he spoke to me in a normal quiet tone, rather than the quiet whisper when the others were present. He was also relieved. All I could do was consider the guy...the kid who so wanted to be just another kid, who wanted to fit in, who wanted to have friends to talk about school with, who wanted to be cool...but who wasn't. He so reminded me of my own son, and I was so confused about how to feel.
On one hand, the kid was attending school, taking the bus on his own, and obviously managing it all okay. He was making small talk, even if not in the most accepted way, and he even asked for help when he was concerned about his own late bus. On the other hand, it was obvious he had some infliction, something just not quite right, something that set him apart and made him react in inappropriate ways. Was it autism? I don't know, but it most certainly COULD have been. He reminded me a LOT of Kaeden.
It was an eye-opening experience. I was pleased with the girls for treating him respectfully to his face, as well as teaching him social skills by asking him to tone down his language. Yet, when he left the bus stop, they laughed at him behind his back...a sure sign he was different.
When my own bus came, I stepped on, wondering about the guy, where he would go, what he'd tell his mom about his day. And I said a little prayer for him and my own son.
1.15.2010
More Stuff
- Michael Jackson. The King of Pop. A couple days back I was channel surfing and saw a new show: My Name Is Michael. All these Michael Jackson fans are singing his songs, dancing his dances, while trying to win the contest of the best Michael Jackson impersonator. What I don't get is why when he was alive, all we heard about was his dirty deeds with little kids, his plastic surgery, and his strangeness. And now, he's dead, and suddenly the whole world loves Michael. I don't quite understand this about people. How we always put others down and judge them while alive, yet faced with their death we idolize them. Why can't we support them in life? It happens even in the most everyday faces, not just with celebrities. How many times has a teenager died in a car wreck and then teachers, parents, kids are on the news telling us how wonderful they were, all the good they brought to the world...yet the kid never knew it as it remained unspoken in life. I think we need to start finding more positives with people while they are in our lives, breathing and living.
- Wednesday Jari and I made a bus trip to attend Kaeden's birthday party at a bowling alley with his group of housemates. When the kids arrived, I was happily surprised by their unexpected thankfulness towards me for giving them a chance to go bowling. I got a picture from one of the kids, and handshakes saying thanks from all of them. When I handed out cupcakes, I was told how good I can bake, and thank you yet again. I was happy to hear all of this as I think it is something Kaeden will learn being in his home. Grateful, thanks, respect. In addition, I got a chance to watch Kaeden interact with his new friends, and I absolutely loved every second of it. Watching my son surrounded by other teens playing a game and enjoying themselves doing it is all I ever needed to feel a deep satisfaction. I received it.
- I had a few more appointments concerning my hand/arm this week, and the doctor is concerned about my progress (as am I). He ordered additional tests and today I went in for a bone scan. He's leaning towards something called CRPS or PD which is a form of dystrophy. It really concerns me as it can be a chronic problem, and treatment sounds a bit scary. I'm trying not to think to much about it til I get a diagnosis, but in the back of my mind I am worrying. I know something is up, but will be relieved to figure out what it is and what we need to do from this point. I hope the results are positive for my recovery, but whatever happens, I just hope it's not one of those "Hmmm, I'm not sure what's going on..."kind of games doctors often seem to play.
- The past few days I have seen a positive change in Jari. He's actually been saying please and thank you and been a bit calmer. I like this change in him and it makes me feel proud to call him my son. The last months he's been turning wicked, and I haven't really enjoyed being with him all that much. He's mouthy, mean, wild, and flat out doesn't listen. I hope we're at a turning point, because I sure do love the sweet kid he is when his attitude is what it has been the past couple days. I like feeling respected by my child.
- Soccer is cancelled again for the third week :-( I miss watching Jari play and I miss the weather being nice enough to get outside in the fresh air to release some energy. Soccer has become a huge part of our family life and there is something missing without it dictating our wekends.
So, there's a bit of stuff. Life, as life is in my reality.
1.12.2010
Birthday Wishes
Dear Kaeden,
Today you vare 15 years old. You're so proud of yourself for growing up. You love telling people you are bigger than mama, that your shoes are size 46. You love having control over your own wallet with all your special documents tucked inside...your Buzzy Pass, your ID card, your insurance card. You love growing up to be a man.
Mama, well, mama isn't so sure. When I hug you tight you squeeze me, when I look at you I have to raise my eyes, and when we go to the doctor you can now check in yourself. Where did my job go? But okay, mama is proud of you too. Very, very proud. You never cease to amaze me with what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. What amazes me most of all is the care you give to little children and babies. The interest you take in them and the love that pours from your heart as you give them your attention. Every time I see you interact with little people, my heart swells a thousand times as I know that this is your value system; giving, caring, loving. So my job, though never complete, has been one filled with success. I helped to get you to the place you are today. And today, you are a 15 year old young man with much to offer the world.
I have missed having you home today. On your birthday, having you living away from home has been hard for mama. I didn't get to wake up to find you here and share my birthday wishes with you. All day I have wandered from room to room missing a little piece of myself. This is the first time I haven't been with you on your birthday. Tonight, as we head to your new home away from home to bring you a much needed birthday hug, I will again feel complete. And yet, I knwo how very happy you are in your new home, how relaxed you feel and how content you are. And though I miss you here, I am happy you have finally found your special place in this world that brings you all that you need. I am happy you have true friends to share your secrets with, people that can help you to make the most of the responsibilities in your life. I am so very proud to know that my son has been given the chance to be at peace, and taken that opportunity and run with it; that you have discovered happiness.
This growing up stuff is hard for mama. Today I think back to our previous life, when you were just a little guy and we slept together in mama's single bed, when you still nursed and still cuddled me tight in need. I think about our drives to daycare and the awaiting hug I would receive upon picking you up. I think about walking up to the playground to push you on the swings, and the time you were so bundled up from the cold to play in the snow that you couldn't even move your arms or legs, and how we laughed and laughed. I think about our trips to visit gramma and grampa and all the goodies we stocked up on to bring with us for our ride. I think about all the songs we sang together, the unimaginable number of times we watched Barney. I think about all the months we spent in the hospital, nursing you through another bout of sickness, the near-death experiences we overcame. I think about all of this, and know that it brought us to today, this day when I can be nothing but proud of who you have become.
Kaeden, today is your birthday. Today you become 15. Today I wish you what every mother wishes for her child: peace, hope, love, and happiness. A year full of the best experiences and growth (just not TOO much more!). A year to see your eyes shine as you tell me once again: Mama, look, I'm taller than you! haha
Happy Birthday to my forever mine not-s0-little boy! I love you!
1.07.2010
Winter Bits of Life
Just bits:
- Kaeden turns 15 (FIFTEEN) next week. It seems one of those marked ages. It makes mama feel old and Kaeden feel powerful. Maybe it's the 5's. Seems to me 5, 10, 15 all hit me with some kind of reality that my kids are changing, growing. Which, yeah, that's what I want them to do, but why so darn fast?
- I changed my layout again. Last night Erwin told me he can't even read my blog anymore. I had to agree. Somehow the color combo was all wrong, so we're onto this style for awhile. I change my blog as much as I'd like to change my life. I like change. It feels comforting and clean and gives me a new start. It isn't a character trait that makes living with autism easy, as change is exactly what Kaeden doesn't seem to need. So, if changing my blog layout gives me comfort without affecting him, it's a little piece of freedom.
- It's snowing again. I love the fresh beauty of snow, but this has gone on long enough now! When I was a kid, I lived for snowy days. I couldn't wait to ski and snowmobile and build snow huts and snowmen. Now, give me a few days of snow fun and it's enough. Especially being tied to bike transport which I cannot use in icy conditions one handed, this snow is making me feel a bit stir crazy.
- This country is unable to deal with the snow. It drives me nuts that traffic stands still for hours from these dustings. In Wyoming where I am from, there we get real snow and life goes on. People drive to work and go to school and life continues as normal. Here, it seems like it puts life into a frenzy. Maybe it's too many cars in too small an area, maybe it's not knowing how to live with these conditions...but whatever it is, it seems to be irritating me lately. Get a grip people...it's snow. Learn to live with it, and please quit telling me for 25 minutes every night on the news about all the traffic jams and accidents.
- I am so beyond homesick that my stomach is tied in knots. I'm feeling like a mental breakdown is nearing from it. I know that I will be heading to the states in just over a month, but it hurts my heart to pieces that Jari hasn't seen my parents in so freaking long. So, it's more like I'm feeling this huge guilty pressure that doesn't go away knowing that my son and my parents are being unallowed to share a bond. That hurts me to my very core. If I could let Jari see my parents instead of going myself, I would forsake the much needed hugs to give myself piece of mind knowing that my son knows his grandparents. It's so important to me, and I feel like I am failing.
- My husband and I seem to be stuck in some kind of non-communication mode. I hate when we go through this. Erwin doesn't notice it, but to me it feels as if our relationship is falling to pieces. Maybe it has more to do with my own inner struggles and I am more needy for him and his attention, which I don't feel I am getting enough of. He tells me that every year at this time I feel this way. That may be true, maybe it comes around this time when I miss my home and family the most, but then I need him to recognize that I need more from him and take charge. He fails to do so. Last night our conversation went like this: Erwin mutters something, I say "Were you talking to me?" He says "No" I say "Why not?" He says "I am watching tv." And then I start to cry because I wonder why he wasn't talking to me, why tv is more important than me, why our life seems to have become something we both take for granted, why we can't enjoy each other more, why we can't make each other a priority. But instead of telling him this, I stay quiet and go to bed. The wall between us is back, and it feels thicker than ever. I need it to shatter.
- My housekeeper came to help out Tuesday. I only have her help three hours in the week now as we can't afford more. She showed up and told me her mother-in-law is dying from cancer, and should be gone sometime during the week. It was only the first week of December they discovered she had cancer. It is into her bones and blood and she's living her last days injected with morphine in the hospital. My housekeeper started to cry and I hugged her tight, telling her I'm sorry, it will all be okay. How can you comfort someone when they are losing a mother? Anja has become somewhat of a friend to me, and it didn't feel at all odd hugging my housekeeper, it just felt right and good. I hope it's a long time before I have to go through death in my family. I know life is fragile, I've learned just how fragile when I nearly lost my own life this summer, but I don't want to deal with death.
- Last night at our women's club New Year's get together (just the board, of which I am a member with 5 other ladies), there was a secret Santa gift exchange. Somehow my name was left out. As everyone shared their gifts, I realized I wasn't going to be getting anything. It hit me odd. I wasn't at all upset, just felt once again like I was the outsider, that even in something as simple as a gift exchange I am apart from the group. Now, I may not be the most open person in the world, I may be somewhat private and a bit closed off, but I have tried to become a part of life here. It doesn't happen easily. It takes a lot of work and a lot of energy. And yet, I'm still an outsider, still on the edge looking in. Getting no gift was a mistake, or wasn't it?
- Our car is giving us fits. When we bought it we had hoped to get 4-5 years out of it before looking for another. This car hasn't been good to us. In just 2 1/2 years we've already put quite a bit of money into it, and now something else is wrong again. Erwin thinks it may be the gear box, which is the reason we got rid of our last car. 1500 euro is a lot to put into a car you don't know you'll have a lot of life from. So, do we fork out more money fixing it, or take the plunge (yes, a plunge it will be, and probably result in being unable to go to America for the summer)and get something more reliable? I guess we need to take it to the garage first and hear the verdict. Maybe it's nothing big. But the sound it's making sure doesn't sound very promising.
- December 18th as Erwin was driving home from a work party, a 19-year-old drunk kid ran across the street in the middle of a green light and hit our car with his body as Erwin was driving. The kid's body dented up our car and we couldn't even use the driver door until we allowed the garage to internally open the lock. We chose not to fix the damages, but just fix it enough to allow the door to open. The kid was brought to the hospital with a concussion and wounds to his knee and scrapes all over his body, but went home and is thankfully doing okay. What a mess this is, having to deal with all the insurance stuff becasue some kid drank so much that he didn't know what he was doing. I hope he learned a lesson from this accident which could have ended much more tragically. Tonight Erwin has to go to his home to finish filling out paperwork and reports, and I hope that it goes okay and some agreement is achieved. I hope the kid learned a valuable lesson, but kids think they are invincible. I did too, at that age. I did some stupid things back then. I made it out alive. I hope the kid does too.
So, that's a few bits of life at this moment. It's winter, what can I say? I'm doing my best to keep my attitude in check and my spirits high, but it's winter...and winter does this to me.
1.04.2010
Kasteeltuinen Arcen
We spent the day in a winter wonderland yesterday. It was beautiful! Fresh snow lined everything and though it was cold (-6C) we braved the temperatures in hats, mittens, and thermal pants and spent the day in Kasteel Tuinen Arcen (Castle Gardens). We were there for the last day of the winter wonderland, where there were fires burning through the park to roast you toes toasty warm, and in the evening we were awarded with a light spectacle which was really beautiful. I am so glad we braved the boys' fighting in the car and didn't let it stop us from getting to our destination. It was so worth it, spending the day watching the kids run crazy through the park, covered in snow!
The guys even managed to get on skis and take a little ski route through the park. It was both Kaeden and Jari's first time on skis and they thought it was magnificent. Jari got scared a few times when his skis got crisscrossed together, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the kid I picked up out of the snow with her one foot forward, the other backward and unable to get herself straightened out enough to stand. We ended our skiing expedition with hot chocolate and coffee along with sandwiches I brought with us. It was nice sitting by the open hearth and getting warmed up.
We watched a small play of Scrooge which with just four actors they did really well. It was a fun reminder to care for others and the boys were pretty mesmerized with the ghosts, and pleasantly surprised when Scrooge threw candy for them to collect at the end.
The park takes you on a journey of different styles of gardens. There was a bamboo forest, Japanese gardens, rock gardens, water gardens, rose gardens, etc. We have been there before, when it was in full bloom, and though the winter gardens were glorious covered in snow, I think without the snow the gardens themselves are much more fantastic to see during the spring or summer when everything is in bloom. However, we timed it just right and were awarded with a wonderful end to our winter vacation, in which we all enjoyed playing outdoors in the snow.
It's a place in Holland that offers some really nice photo opportunities. The snow added to the magic, and with all the fires burning, candles lighting the pathways, and a Christmas light show, it was well worth the extra driving time on snow-covered roads.
1.01.2010
Comfort Zone
Yesterday was the last day of 2009. Happy 2010! The first day of a new year, new expectations, new adventures. However, on the very last day of 2009, I also took the challenge of going out of my comfort zone and making an adventure with my boys. We wanted to visit the Winter Wonderland in Holland, but without a vehicle and 50 kilometers between us and the fair, I had to arrive at an alternate plan. Which I did!I don't mind using public transport. It gets you where you need to go, even if the timing is sometimes an issue. However, whenever I go someplace new, I get so nervous. I worry I'll be stranded and never be able to find my way home. I worry I won't be able to understand the time charts, the correct stop, or even get on a wrong bus or train and be headed to neverland.
Yesterday, with detailed printouts of times and maps, I took the boys on a bus to Holland. The trip was 1 1/2 hours and took us into the center of the city we wanted to be. The price was more reasonable than if we had driven. And, though we had to stand for a portion of our return trip, the majority of the trip was smooth sailing.
I stepped out of my comfort zone. And in doing so and arriving back home I felt so proud of myself. I now have another route in which I can provide myself a little getaway. We visited the Winter Wonderland, played games, rode on rides, drank hot chocolate and ate bratwurst from the fire. We had a fun day, and the boys were wonderfully behaved. When we had to find our busstop home, I got the same feelings of dread in the pit of my stomach, but allowing ourselves time to find it was our savior. We walked a few wrong turns, and then passed by our stop, but after consulting my map again, I realized our error and headed back where we caught our bus.
Kaeden was a big help. I was amazed at how well he could read the time charts and knew which busses took us where. Without my telling him, he looked at the chart and told me what time our bus would arrive and on which bus we needed to go. He needed reassurance he was correct, but I told him I was very proud of him for knowing this. It gave me extra reassurance that when I send him off on the bus, he'll be ble to reach his destination even if he comes across scheduling conflicts or other problems.
So, a good way to end the year...on a new adventure filled with fun. I think 2010 will be a year of trying out new challenges to bring a bit more excitement to my limited region. The bus will get me there!
12.30.2009
Therapy
I did something bad today. I skipped therapy. I'm feeling guilty, and haven't even called my therapist to make up some excuse and reschedule. I feel like if I call him and tell him I just didn't feel like coming, it will make me feel at least honest about it, but disappoint him that I wasted his time and space for another client. Which I did do. After already rescheduling earlier in the week.
I had every intention of going. Jari had soccer practice and I had therapy and everything was all set. Then, as his coach picked him up, I just decided not to go. I stood out in the pouring rain for 5 minutes by my bike with my coat on before I just walked back in the house and said screw it. And now comes the guilt. My hand needs therapy to improve. I need to go to regain some movement, to get those muscles working. And after a therapy session, though I have some pain, usually my hand works a bit better, feels a bit looser. And by skipping, I just managed to put myself in a foul mood.
I'm getting frustrated with my hand. In the beginning I noticed so much progress. After being told my hand may never function again, I started being able to use it in little ways. My surgeon and my therapist are both amazed by the recovery I have made. But though I am happy I have some function, my hand is not what I wish it to be. I feel blessed to have been given back enough use to do some of the things I couldn't do immediately following the accident. But I still can't do everything I yearn to do. And at this point, I feel like I have reached the limit of my recovery. It just seems like this is where I have reached the top, and there's not much more good that's going to come. I'm frustrated, angry and sad. And I live in pain, though I try to hide it, and it's not as constant as it was. Still, I look at my stupid hand and feel the huge balloon-like fingers that look 1/2 normal but feel far from normal and I just want to cry. What did I ever do to make the world turn against me? A stupid question as I am alive, but one that comes regularly to my mind anyway.
Another issue is the nerve damage which seems to be healing improperly. They think my nerve may have attached to the scar tissue which means I will need either a painful series of shots to release it, which often doesn't help when scar tissue is involved, or another surgery. My hand turns blue just out of the blue, and if it gets even slightly cold, the pain is unbearable and I walk around in a fit of fury with tears streaming down my face until it warms again and I can manage. These things have me worried. Wondering if maybe, once all is said and done, I may get more use back, or if it will be another surgery, another recovery for nothing. Is this balloon-fingered disfigured mess of a hand my lifelong fate?
So, I skipped therapy today. Maybe it was more than just the rain the blocked me from going. Maybe the frustration of not having the improvement I need to make it feel worthwhile is what stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I need to get a relaity check and learn that life deals us blows, and we have the power to make the best of the situation...or sit doing nothing in pity. Today I chose the easy road...but it wasn't as easy as I expected it to be. I'm feeling guilty. I think it's time to make that call.
I had every intention of going. Jari had soccer practice and I had therapy and everything was all set. Then, as his coach picked him up, I just decided not to go. I stood out in the pouring rain for 5 minutes by my bike with my coat on before I just walked back in the house and said screw it. And now comes the guilt. My hand needs therapy to improve. I need to go to regain some movement, to get those muscles working. And after a therapy session, though I have some pain, usually my hand works a bit better, feels a bit looser. And by skipping, I just managed to put myself in a foul mood.
I'm getting frustrated with my hand. In the beginning I noticed so much progress. After being told my hand may never function again, I started being able to use it in little ways. My surgeon and my therapist are both amazed by the recovery I have made. But though I am happy I have some function, my hand is not what I wish it to be. I feel blessed to have been given back enough use to do some of the things I couldn't do immediately following the accident. But I still can't do everything I yearn to do. And at this point, I feel like I have reached the limit of my recovery. It just seems like this is where I have reached the top, and there's not much more good that's going to come. I'm frustrated, angry and sad. And I live in pain, though I try to hide it, and it's not as constant as it was. Still, I look at my stupid hand and feel the huge balloon-like fingers that look 1/2 normal but feel far from normal and I just want to cry. What did I ever do to make the world turn against me? A stupid question as I am alive, but one that comes regularly to my mind anyway.
Another issue is the nerve damage which seems to be healing improperly. They think my nerve may have attached to the scar tissue which means I will need either a painful series of shots to release it, which often doesn't help when scar tissue is involved, or another surgery. My hand turns blue just out of the blue, and if it gets even slightly cold, the pain is unbearable and I walk around in a fit of fury with tears streaming down my face until it warms again and I can manage. These things have me worried. Wondering if maybe, once all is said and done, I may get more use back, or if it will be another surgery, another recovery for nothing. Is this balloon-fingered disfigured mess of a hand my lifelong fate?
So, I skipped therapy today. Maybe it was more than just the rain the blocked me from going. Maybe the frustration of not having the improvement I need to make it feel worthwhile is what stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I need to get a relaity check and learn that life deals us blows, and we have the power to make the best of the situation...or sit doing nothing in pity. Today I chose the easy road...but it wasn't as easy as I expected it to be. I'm feeling guilty. I think it's time to make that call.
12.27.2009
Point A to Point B
Kaeden is home for the holidays. It's so nice having him here to share his excitement over all the pleasurable things in life. But, it's also very noticeable in other ways. For instance, in his ability to break stuff.
It amazes me how easily things break in his presence. It seems that all he has to do is look at something, and oops, kapot! But the truth of the matter is that Kaeden is not careful. He doesn't look around him but focuses instead on his one goal, which results in him being unaware of his surroundings. And when he steps on something to get to the one place he wants to be, things get broken in the process.
If Kaeden had the ability to be sorry for his actions, it would be easier. Instead, he immediately puts the blame on someone else. He doesn't grasp the concept that if he tried to be more aware, he would automatically be more cautious. And grasping the concept of regret is completely foreign to his autistic mind. If something breaks in his presence, it's the objects fault for being there (where it should be), or someone's fault for putting it there.
This week alone, two zippers on two separate coats have broken. Why? Well, Kaeden wants to zip his coat, he pulls it without thinking, and wham...broken. The shower head is broken. He pulls it to make the water stream to his liking, but without regard for gently unscrewing the cap first...pull, wham...broken! Playstation...he wants to play. When his time is over, he stands to come downstairs where I called him. He makes the first leap, trips on the cords and pulls the whole unit to the floor...wham...broken!
It is because of this that we try to protect our belongings from our son. It's not nice to have everything always get broken though we've come to accept that it happens with Kaeden around. Still, when a new toy gets broken, or an item we treasure, it's not any less frustrating. So, Kaeden is often not allowed to touch things that belong to other people, which puts a damper on his mood. I can understand this. Still, he needs to first learn to be more cautious. But how?
Autism is a hard thing to deal with. Simple little accidents that most people are accustomed to bloom on the horizon larger than life. When I mention to people that something broke in Kaeden's presence, they think of it as an accident, something out of his control. And it is. An accident. But, accidents can be prevented if we are aware and careful. Sometimes. So, how do we teach Kaeden the responsibility of being more cautious, understanding that breaking things is something he has some control over if he is more aware of his surroundings, that getting from point A to point B takes more awareness than just making the steps? And most importantly, when an accident does occur, how can we teach him that to show regret, to be sorry, makes it more acceptable. That people will forgive easier when you take responsibility for your actions?
This is one of the reasons we worry about Kaeden riding a bike to Judo, or when he considers getting his driver's license we tell him that he isn't ready for that step yet. His surroundings mean nothing to him...only what is in his path is of importance. Just another little thing about autism.
It amazes me how easily things break in his presence. It seems that all he has to do is look at something, and oops, kapot! But the truth of the matter is that Kaeden is not careful. He doesn't look around him but focuses instead on his one goal, which results in him being unaware of his surroundings. And when he steps on something to get to the one place he wants to be, things get broken in the process.
If Kaeden had the ability to be sorry for his actions, it would be easier. Instead, he immediately puts the blame on someone else. He doesn't grasp the concept that if he tried to be more aware, he would automatically be more cautious. And grasping the concept of regret is completely foreign to his autistic mind. If something breaks in his presence, it's the objects fault for being there (where it should be), or someone's fault for putting it there.
This week alone, two zippers on two separate coats have broken. Why? Well, Kaeden wants to zip his coat, he pulls it without thinking, and wham...broken. The shower head is broken. He pulls it to make the water stream to his liking, but without regard for gently unscrewing the cap first...pull, wham...broken! Playstation...he wants to play. When his time is over, he stands to come downstairs where I called him. He makes the first leap, trips on the cords and pulls the whole unit to the floor...wham...broken!
It is because of this that we try to protect our belongings from our son. It's not nice to have everything always get broken though we've come to accept that it happens with Kaeden around. Still, when a new toy gets broken, or an item we treasure, it's not any less frustrating. So, Kaeden is often not allowed to touch things that belong to other people, which puts a damper on his mood. I can understand this. Still, he needs to first learn to be more cautious. But how?
Autism is a hard thing to deal with. Simple little accidents that most people are accustomed to bloom on the horizon larger than life. When I mention to people that something broke in Kaeden's presence, they think of it as an accident, something out of his control. And it is. An accident. But, accidents can be prevented if we are aware and careful. Sometimes. So, how do we teach Kaeden the responsibility of being more cautious, understanding that breaking things is something he has some control over if he is more aware of his surroundings, that getting from point A to point B takes more awareness than just making the steps? And most importantly, when an accident does occur, how can we teach him that to show regret, to be sorry, makes it more acceptable. That people will forgive easier when you take responsibility for your actions?
This is one of the reasons we worry about Kaeden riding a bike to Judo, or when he considers getting his driver's license we tell him that he isn't ready for that step yet. His surroundings mean nothing to him...only what is in his path is of importance. Just another little thing about autism.
12.20.2009
The Gift of Giving
We have some friends who are going through a rough spot in life. Financially they are in deep distress. Though I may not agree with their values when it comes to money or their dealings with their financial issues, the fact remains that they are in a state of despair. And they are good friends who have always been there for us when we need help.
This week, after a lengthy chat with my girlfriend, I decided I needed to somehow step in and try to ease the burden they are feeling during the holidays. Who can celebrate Christmas with having so many worries etched in your mind? So, I took it upon myself to ask a couple friends from our little group if they would be interested in helping me achieve a little spirit of Christmas. They both agreed to step up and did so more fuitfully than I could have imagined.
Yesterday was the big shopping trip. I explained to the boys that becuase our friends are having trouble, we were going to go shopping and buy them a whole bunch of groceries. They both asked questions. Why are they in trouble? How much are we going to spend? As well as the comments as we shopped: Is this WHOLE cart for them? Do they have to pay us back? Can I get them this? They're not gonna believe this when they see it.
As we loaded at least a couple weeks, probably more, of groceries in the cart, I was filled with a great sense of happiness. This is what was meant to happen. This is what Christmas is all about. This is what the true spirit of Christmas means. Every item I placed in the cart, I thought through. If I was in a state of need, would this be something I could use? Is this something she usually buys to make for dinner? Oh, he loves these, let's get two. The cats, they need to eat too. And, Erwin even threw in a Chocolate Santa at the end, for good measure.
Our purchases were made as both boys loaded the groceries onto the conveyor belt and then back into our cart. Both were completely active in the entire process. As was my husband, who was a bit more hesitant about this good deed we were doing, but still agreed to my antics. With the car completely loaded, to the brim, we set off for their home to deliver our package of Christmas cheer.
The boys entered their home with first a card, telling them they have people who love them, people who care, people who wish to ease the burden of their worries. And as we started carrying boxes of food and personal care products and cleaning supplies into the home, my boys smiled through the entire process even though it was -10 degrees and bitter cold.
Something big was learned from this process. Something wonderful happened last night. I am so thankful for my friends who also made this happen, and only wish they could have been there as well to see the disbelief, and feel the sobs as I hugged my friend, and then again her husband. I hope it gives them the chance to pick themselves up and realize it will be okay.
When we got home, my boys made pictures for Santa Claus. Though I know the boys leanred a good lesson of giving, here's what Kaeden made for Santa...he likes to receive, as much as he likes to give :-)
12.18.2009
Happiness to my Heart
Today, I went to pick my son up at school. At his home away from home. I walked in the door, sat with his assistants and drank coffee in his home. I was bringing my son home for the holidays, and it brought great happiness to my heart.
Kaeden and his friends were playing video games when I arrived. It was so nice to see him sitting there with kids his age, playing and laughing and totally into what was happening. When one game ended, he and another boy grabbed the PSP and started playing together...sharing. Kaeden was so involved, the other kid watching him move, making suggestions, and when Kaeden took them and made a new level, high-fiving his friend for the help. It brought great happiness to my heart.
When I told Kaeden he was offered a place to stay for a few days during the holiday vacation (one of the kids canceled, so it was opened up to Kaed), and asked if he would like to stay there, he was all excited. He went and told another boy with whom he's become great friends with that he'd be there during the holidays too, and the other kid whooped and smiled and they laughed together and high-fived each other. It brought great happiness to my heart.
As I spoke to his assistant, he told me, confidentially, that when he read Kaeden's reports, he was nervous about him coming to stay in the home. He was afraid of what problems an aggressive kid like Kaeden could bring, the difficulties that would arise in the home. He then told me that his worries have been squelched. He told me Kaeden is "a really cool kid, and I'm really glad I've had the chance to get to know him." It brought great happiness to my heart.
As we left, everyone there told Kaeden goodbye and wished us happy holidays. His friend happily told him "See you next week!" As we walked towards the bus stop, Kaeden told me thanks for letting him come back during vacation so he could be with his friends. It brought great happiness to my heart.
As we waited for the bus to arrive, I asked Kaeden if he wanted to do some Christmas shopping before going home. "What's Jari going to do then?" he asked. When I told him Jari could eat lunch at school, he asked that we go home so he could get his little brother from school and see him because he missed him after being gone all week. It brought great happiness to my heart.
When we got onto the bus, Kaeden sat in the front while I moved further back. He had too much stuff with him for me to sit comfortably next to him. As the bus rode along, my son kept looking to me, as if my presence reassured him, and gave me happy smiles throughout the entire ride. With each glance behind him in my direction came with it a glimmering smile which brought great happiness to my heart.
Today was one of those days in which I see my son for who he truly is. A good kid with good values, happiness, and compassion. Someone who is social and accepting, someone others love as much as he loves them. Today, seeing Kaeden and sharing life with him, knowing he is my kid and knowing how proud of him I am, how proud I am of myself for giving him this chance to thrive, brought great happiness to my heart.
Kaeden and his friends were playing video games when I arrived. It was so nice to see him sitting there with kids his age, playing and laughing and totally into what was happening. When one game ended, he and another boy grabbed the PSP and started playing together...sharing. Kaeden was so involved, the other kid watching him move, making suggestions, and when Kaeden took them and made a new level, high-fiving his friend for the help. It brought great happiness to my heart.
When I told Kaeden he was offered a place to stay for a few days during the holiday vacation (one of the kids canceled, so it was opened up to Kaed), and asked if he would like to stay there, he was all excited. He went and told another boy with whom he's become great friends with that he'd be there during the holidays too, and the other kid whooped and smiled and they laughed together and high-fived each other. It brought great happiness to my heart.
As I spoke to his assistant, he told me, confidentially, that when he read Kaeden's reports, he was nervous about him coming to stay in the home. He was afraid of what problems an aggressive kid like Kaeden could bring, the difficulties that would arise in the home. He then told me that his worries have been squelched. He told me Kaeden is "a really cool kid, and I'm really glad I've had the chance to get to know him." It brought great happiness to my heart.
As we left, everyone there told Kaeden goodbye and wished us happy holidays. His friend happily told him "See you next week!" As we walked towards the bus stop, Kaeden told me thanks for letting him come back during vacation so he could be with his friends. It brought great happiness to my heart.
As we waited for the bus to arrive, I asked Kaeden if he wanted to do some Christmas shopping before going home. "What's Jari going to do then?" he asked. When I told him Jari could eat lunch at school, he asked that we go home so he could get his little brother from school and see him because he missed him after being gone all week. It brought great happiness to my heart.
When we got onto the bus, Kaeden sat in the front while I moved further back. He had too much stuff with him for me to sit comfortably next to him. As the bus rode along, my son kept looking to me, as if my presence reassured him, and gave me happy smiles throughout the entire ride. With each glance behind him in my direction came with it a glimmering smile which brought great happiness to my heart.
Today was one of those days in which I see my son for who he truly is. A good kid with good values, happiness, and compassion. Someone who is social and accepting, someone others love as much as he loves them. Today, seeing Kaeden and sharing life with him, knowing he is my kid and knowing how proud of him I am, how proud I am of myself for giving him this chance to thrive, brought great happiness to my heart.
12.15.2009
Asking For Some Ideas
Hello, hello! It's nearly Christmastime if you haven't noticed. There are pretty lights twinkling all around, people shopping for gifts in stores with long lines, windows of homes present a pretty package with a Christmas tree shining through. I think we are about ready. If I buy another gift, well, our tree will too too full upon Santa's visit. Our tree is decorated and the house is less so than other years, but still has a few twinges of Christmas. We're getting cards in the mail and I need to get cards addressed and sent. We need to bake some goodies, and we need to visit a Christmas market so we can find Santa Claus and tell him what we're hoping for. Jari's letter to Santa is already made and his wish list includes a Nederland voetbal...hmmm, hope any ole voetbal will do. Kaeden has asked when we can go shopping so he can buy everyone a gift. It seems to be coming together nicely.
But, there is one little thing I'm worrying about. Christmas vacation! That means 17 days with both boys in the house with cold weather and a closed for the holidays swimming pool. Of the 17 days, 11 of them will be me and my boys, alone. So, I'm getting nervous, because, well, I need some ideas of things we can do to stay sane and keep out of each other's hair to minimalize the fighting so we can all remain happy. I know all the normal stuff...games, baking, a few little crafts, outdoors for a bit. But, I'm asking YOU to give me your best vacation idea to keep my guys entertained. Have a tried and true activity your kids love? Have a treasured tradition we could maybe begin?
We are ALL used to Kaeden living at school during the week, and Kaeden himself is getting uptight about his long stretch at home. Which makes me worry about it too. It's not easy. So, I really would like some ideas. Please!
***Tanya, I'm thinking vacation would be a good time to get those t-shirts for The Tie-Dye Project done. I haven't been able to focus on it with my injuries, but given the time we have, it could be a great activity for us to do. So, be on the lookout for our results.***
But, there is one little thing I'm worrying about. Christmas vacation! That means 17 days with both boys in the house with cold weather and a closed for the holidays swimming pool. Of the 17 days, 11 of them will be me and my boys, alone. So, I'm getting nervous, because, well, I need some ideas of things we can do to stay sane and keep out of each other's hair to minimalize the fighting so we can all remain happy. I know all the normal stuff...games, baking, a few little crafts, outdoors for a bit. But, I'm asking YOU to give me your best vacation idea to keep my guys entertained. Have a tried and true activity your kids love? Have a treasured tradition we could maybe begin?
We are ALL used to Kaeden living at school during the week, and Kaeden himself is getting uptight about his long stretch at home. Which makes me worry about it too. It's not easy. So, I really would like some ideas. Please!
***Tanya, I'm thinking vacation would be a good time to get those t-shirts for The Tie-Dye Project done. I haven't been able to focus on it with my injuries, but given the time we have, it could be a great activity for us to do. So, be on the lookout for our results.***
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