I'm Not Bitter

So, a couple weeks back I asked my wonderful husband if he wanted to go with me to a friendly soccer match between the Holland national team and Denmark...it is tonight and the preparation for the upcoming European Championships. When I asked, he quickly and without doubt resounded "NO WAY!" His reason? Simply put, he went to a game at the Philips stadium years ago, and was unable to sit in his reserved seats due to being overfilled, and he has refused to return to the stadium since then. It is simply an issue of priciple, and he has/d no desire to ever return. So, no, he didn't wish to attend the game and have a date night with his wife...who really wanted to attend.

Fast-forward a week. He calls me from work and asks if we have any plans this week Thursday (tonight). I told him no, there was nothing on the calendar, even then considering asking again, unless he had reconsidered attending the game with me. So, I asked what was up. He told me we'd talk about it when he got home.

Come to dinner time...we're sitting around the table eating and he non-chalantly says that he's going to teh Nederland game next Thursday. Food splutters from my mouth, I quickly stand from my chair and walk away with a huge "NOW I AM PISSED" singing from my mouth. I see his smile disintegrate from his face as he responds, "I knew you we're going to react that way." I step outside, away from the reality of the situation, and he joins me after he'd finished his dinner. He tells me that it is a work meeting he needs to attend, a team-building exercise with his new team, and that no, normally he wouldn't want to go, but under the circumstances, he is expected to attend for work. He tells me that as soon as he was confronted with the situation, he was worried about what my reaction would be. And it seems he had every right to be.

So, fast-forward again to this morning. We haven't really discussed the situation again. I still feel a bit let down, but it is more that I don't get to go. I love watching soccer, especially our national team in action, and haven't yet attended a game in all the years I have lived here. It is something I really want to experience. And eventually, I will.

Anyway, I noticed his orange Holland t-shirt on the bathroom counter, and he picked up a Holland flag cap from off the coat stand as he left this morning. He's heading off to do something I wanted to do with him. He's going out for a terrific dinner at an Argentinean restaurant, then heading to cheer on his country, seeing live what WE never miss on TV. He told me to watch for him on tv tonight as I watch the game. And I feel again. let down. I want it to be me. I want to share something we both love, a good dinner out, away from the kids, and a fun, exciting game with my husband. But tonight, we won't be doing either. Tonight, it'll be him, off to 'some work function' while I prepare dinner, help with homework, and get the kiddos ready for bed. Just like every other night.

However, something I learned through my disappointment is that Erwin deserves to enjoy life too. He works hard, he is here for his family supporting us and loving us through all the ups and downs, he should be able to attend an evening out without the fury of his wife striking down upon him. But, I'll be watching the game on TV, and hoping to catch him on tv in the stands, orange t-shirt, Holland cap, and his judgement day upon him...going against his moral values purely for work purposes...ha...yeah right. I better not see any smile on his darling little face as he cheers for his countrymen...not his wife, but 4 colleagues by his side....dammit it all anyway! I am not bitter...

What A GREAT Weekend!

We went on a mini-vacation this weekend. We had so much fun making our first camping trip of the summer. We visited the Afrika Museum, the War Museum, and then spent Sunday at an Amusement Park, Wunderland Kalkar in Germany. I can't tell you how terrific it was to have such a wonderful family break from everyday life...we all immensely enjoyed ourselves. And here are a few pics to prove it!

Tornado

I got a call from my parents this morning. And it wasn't with good news. A tornado hit my hometown of Laramie yesterday afternoon and took out my parents home. My mom was sheltered in the basement as the storm went over her, and she is physically ok home is a loss. And their business? The gas station/gift shop they have worked so hard all these past 25 years to create...not gone, but extremely damaged...the roof completely non-existent. I am in a state of shock. I keep shaking and just feel so strange. I have no idea what my parents will do, but hopefully insurance will help them be able to start teh process of rebuilding their lives. I just can't believe it. Here is a news article about the storm with a picture containing their store. It seems pretty devastating to me at the moment, but I am also relieved that noone was hurt.
www.laramieboomerang.com

Please keep your thoughts with my family and all of the others who have suffered damages during this storm. They are going to need all the help they can get to begin rebulding their lives.

Pi

Erwin is upstairs with Jari at the moment. I can't help but laugh. Jari had a question about what Pi is (yeah, the Greek number 3.14....). Erwin loves all that technical stuff. So, he is excited to share something new with his son. He gets a paper and pen and draws a circle. He asks jari what 3.14X6 is...yeah, Jari is learning subtracting above 10, but let's throw multiplication in the mix, shall we, just for good measure (hahaha, I tickle myself funny!). Anyway, the conversation is taking a very advanced turn as Jari measures the circle and Erwin simplifies the mathmatics by asking what 1 times 1 is, then 2 times 1...which Jari answers correctly. Erwin shows him Pi, the sign and the number, explaining this Greek number (after he checked his facts on Wikipedia)...

As Erwin and Jari discussed this new mathematic concept, I proudly entered the room with my contribution....Erwin's t-shirt, with a Big Ole Pi symbol and the numbers...can you guess which of us is more mathematically challenged? And even with the advanced nature of the concept of Pi, I can only imagine it will be somthing he will never forget...like father, like son...and with the little help of technology in the form of a quick glance at Wikipedia, there's no way you can go wrong!

I'm Moving

This morning I got Jari ready for school. As I sat him down at the table for breakfast, I asked if he wanted a sandwich, hot cereal, or 'the special cereal gramma sent him'. That would be part of what he discovered in the box my mom sent them filled with special surprises...and included his favorite cereal, Fruity Pebbles (which are not available here in EU). As I poured his bowl of cereal, his inevitable choice, I asked why he liked Fruity Pebbles so much? Was it the taste of them, all the cool colors, or Fred Flinstone? He told me they just taste yummy, then went on to add that they are also colorful and that Fred Flinstone is also cool. The ultimate cereal...it has everything! I then proceeded to tell him that Fruity Pebbles are also Uncle Trevor's favorite cereal. He gets this big grin on his face and asks if he likes them cuz they taste good, or cuz they are colorful, or cuz he likes Fred Flinstone? I told him he'd have to ask Uncle Trevor about that. Then he gets this huge grin on his face, those little twinkles of uncovering this huge discovery, and he says "Well, I am gonna ask Uncle Trevor why he likes Fruity Pebbles, and then I am gonna go live with him and we can eat Fruity Pebbles all day!!!" His mouth filled with colored rocks releaseda little giggle as he pondered his new thought. Yes, Fruity Pebbles...the ultimate morning uplifter!

Mom or Gramma?

This weekend Jari spent in Helmond, sharing his funny little big tooth grin with his aunt and his grandparents. When we called on Saturday night to make pick-up arrangements, I wanted to speak with him, tell him I loved him, hear my baby's voice. So, I got the phone and said "Hello, Jari". When suddenly from the other end of the phone line, MY baby says in his sweetest, most sugary soft voice "Hi Gramma." I got a huge grin on my face as I asked "Who is this" and he says "Oh, hi mama...blah, blah, blah...." without the sugary sweet softness of his gramma voice. It was really funny...do I really sound that much like my mom, or was it the English that had him tricked?

Sometimes

You've just gotta say:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
And the road you travel seems all uphill...
DON'T QUIT!!!! Don't quit. Don't quit. Don't quit!

But maybe, laying in your bed and pulling the covers over your head is a good way to hide away from it all for awhile.

A Few Things

We had a good, but busy weekend. My Saturday was completely filled with soccer. Jari had his last tournament of the season and played awesome! He is really fun to watch. But we spent the entire day in the blistering heat and all got a bit much sun. Sunday, on Mother's Day, our plans quickly changed from going to the middle age festival to staying home. Kaeden had a bad morning and we knew it would be useless to try and accomodate his needs. So, we stayed home. And it was really wonderful! The boys hid my mommy gifts in the yard and I searched and found them...perfectly handmade little treasures that touch my heart. My husband gave me a Senseo (Yippeee!) and some cappuccino to go with it, as well as having helped the kids create some containers for coffee pads, decorated with their own artwork.
I talked to my mom on the phone, we played games in the yard, and then I made a trasure hunt for the kids through our town. They had so much fun! For dinner we each made our own specially tailored pizzas and they were so yummy! And the boys loved that they could make it to their own liking. In the evening, Erwin and I watched I Am Legend and it was just a relaxing and peaceful day all around. A perfect mommy day!




Monday was also a holiday here so we headed to the open day at the local milking farm. It was so interesting learning all about milk production and the cows. Hearing the farmer you could tell how proud he was of his stock and his farm. I learned a lot and the kids even got to make their own butter. That was fun! We then went to Helmond and visited Erwin's sister and her boyfriend, spending the afternoon relaxing in the heat yet again. As we said goodbye to them, we headed to oma and opa's where we BBQed for dinner and wished oma a Happy Mother's Day as well. It was a really easy and nice day. The kdis fell asleep in the car on the way home and jari snuggled tight against me...perfection!



This morning I called the doctor with a few questions. I have been really feeling down the past few days as well as so tired I can do nothing other than feel as if I need to sleep. I thought maybe it has something to do with getting the implant out of my arm. It seems that I could be correct. My body is adjusting to the hormones being withdrawn. I am so snappy and impatient and just feel as if the entire world is sitting on my shoulders. I hope the withdrawl symptoms end soon as I have been doing so, so well the past months and now that I know what it means to be truly happy, I don't like this living down in the dumps feeling one little bit. Plus my husband and kids are probably ready to strangle me as I cry at the drop of a hat, get mad over nothing, and feel just really witchy.


This mornign I helped Jari make a card for his little friend for the birthday party he will be attending this afternoon. Since I was so tired yesterday I never made it to the store to buy a gift and got this brilliant idea to just create something with money instead. I think it turned out really good! I may have to use that idea more often!!!


This weekend Jari will spend in Helmond with his aunt and grandparents. That means Erwin, Kaeden, and I will have some quality time as well. I am looking forward to spoiling our son and enjoying time with just him. I don't know what we'll do yet, but I hope that Kaeden will shine from all the attention he will receive. And I already know that JAri will in the hands of his greatest fans, and be granted his every wish on a golden platter!!!

So, that's the news from around here. Nothing exciting, but the reality of my life!!

The Difference

Between Boys and Girls...see what I mean??? :-)

Banned

I have been banned from the backyard. My husband took some art supplies outside with him, and my two little guys, and informed me that he is in my NO ENTER zone! I am assuming this is because the top secret for tomorrow is being created by loving hands and hearts. And oh, how I want to enter the NO ENTER zone, see what is being created, be a part of this little creative activity. But I cannot indulge for today...but when my eyes open tomorrow, on Mother's Day...I am in for a big treat. There is no gift more touching than something made by loving hands and loving hearts. And I can't wait to see just what this year's NO ENTER zone has turned out. Whatever it may end up being, I know that I will love it to the ends of the earth and back...and in that moment of it's opening, as I glance at my husband with a little smile, I will love him just that little touch more as well. It's the little things...little boys, little hands, little pieces of love, and a little idea which takes off and becomes something almost too big and bold for my heart to hold. I can't wait until tomorrow!! Even if every day is truly Mother's Day!

I Am Woman

and just what does that mean? Waking up in the morning, getting my family breakfasts and lunches ready, sending them out the door with hugs and kisses a they make their way to work and school. And tehn? Then, I get myself ready...and I bike up to the doctor. My bike chain guard falls off on the way and I fix it. Head into the waiting room for my 10am appointment. It is 9:57. I wait til 10:40. And then I am called in.

I discuss my birth control options. I show her the implant in my arm which needs to come out. It's worked for the past three years, but is now expired. What else can I try? I do not want to go on the pill...it is not reliable enough with such a chaotic person as myself. And this implant stuff is for someone much less queasy than I. You should have seen the bruising on my arm for a month after I had the last come out...painfully, I might add. Am I a good candidate for a tubal? My two boys are definitely enough to fulfill my role as mama. What about an IUD? Or Mirena? I don't know much about these, but have done some research in the past days.

I tell her that my last Pap smear was over 5 years ago. I feel foolish and my face turns pink as I admit that I have neglected my health for so long. Yet, I also feel proud that I have taken this step to finally get it done. Those things are so not fun. Exposing my nether regions to another is not something I thoroughly enjoy. I am prepared today, have put on a better pair of undies, shaved my legs...with the expectation of having it done...finally. As if it matters as I strip down to nothing, laying bare on the exam table. But for today, I don't have to...

She checks the implant in my arm and goes about gathering her supplies. And after she numbs my skin, she cuts me, but I feel no pain...until she finally has the little bugger encased in her scissors and begins to pull...all those tissues attached for the past 3 years do not want to release this foreign object now embedded as a part of me. She cuts further and further until all the tissue finally releases the implant and it slips out with a pull. I am amazed as I watch her blot at my blood without gloves protecting her hands. Something like that would never happen in America. She gives me a butterfly stitch and bandages me up. It was not so painful afterall. I have a week to keep the stitch in place and then all should be well and healed.

We sit back down to discuss birth control options further. My 20 minute appointment is now already more than an hour overdue. I think of the poor people waiting in the waiting room, getting impatient, wondering what could be taking so long. She finally tells me that she herself uses the spiral, Mirena, and that it is good for 5 years. She says it has very low hormones, something I am looking for, and is a simple procedure. No more cutting, she assures me. As she writes out my prescription to pick up at the pharmacy, she tells me not to be intimidated by the huge box. Her eyes get huge as she explains that all teh insertion tools come with the tiny spiral. I need to make an appointment with the gynecologist, and to inform him that since he's already down there, he should complete a pap smear at the same time. I need to wait til 5-7 days after my next period. Too bad mine just ended...yet another month before I can be free of pregnancy worries. Erwin especially wants no more children...and I admit, the past 2 years I have known that I too, am done with diapers and stroller and late night breastfeeds. I definitely don't want an accident, no matter how much he or she would still undoubtedly be loved. I can feel my patience with my children slipping as I age. No, I don't even have the right to another child. I couldn't give her all that she deserves. I have passed my parenting limit.

We discuss a few more issues, she writes out another prescription for pills to protect us in the meantime, and then discusses with me the security of using condoms in this between period. I assure her we know all about condoms, noting that Erwin REALLY doesn't want any more kids. Condoms have a rate of failure. We probably won't be using them.

As I leave with my arm bandaged, I look into the completely full waiting room. I cringe at what they are all thinking...but as I hop back on my bike and ride home, I am thrilled. Goodbye implant. Hello Mirena. Let's see how this one works out for us...just one more month to go...and then, I can again feel fully as if I Am Woman!

Baby Birds

I sit and hear the peeping of five little birds in our birdhouse. Their peeping is continual, never breaking for a moment of rest. They are hungry, they need to be cared for, nurtured, in order to grow up and fly on their own wings off into the big, blue skies. Their peeping brings me such a sense of life. It makes me feel at peace, knowing these new lives have formed, right there under the tree in our garden. It's like a little peace of magic in te not so secret garden.

And then, as I hear the peeping gear up a notch, I look into a fluttering in the branches of the tree. There is mama bird, her beak filled with delicious bugs and worms to nurture her babies. She scuffles from branch to branch, on edge, worried about dangers that may expose her babes. She glances my direction, hops back to a higher branch, then decides it is safe and with a quick flip of her wings, she glides head first into her nest, bringing her growing babies a supply of food to help them grow. And just as quickly as she enters, I see her head at the opening of the birdhouse, her beak filled with feathers or droppings as she cleans her nest, makes the space for her babies safe, secure, and clean...and off she flies again, just as Papa bounds in to bring more food for his little ones. Usually Papa sits on the edge and reaches in, not going into the house, as his five babies reach up, beaks open wide, feathers just beginning to show on their meaty little bodies, all mouth, beady little eys. And then, after emptying his beak, he too is gone, just as mama reappears, reaping more goodness for her little ones.

I watch this go on throughout the day, and then into the evening. The parents have not a moment of rest. They are constantly on vigil, bringing home the bacon, raising their little ones to make it out in the grown up world of cats, electreic wires, cars. They never stop going, never stop working, never stop caring and nurturing and giving to their little nest of the future of the bird world.

And as I watch, I think about myself as a mother, all that I give, all that I do, all that I achieve, doing the same for my sons as this bird does for her own babies. I feed them, I clothe them, I clean for them, do their laundry, play, give cuddles, and kisses, and put bandaids on scratched knees. I hold their hands as we cross the street, I buckle their helmet under their chin, I bring a backpack of snacks wherever we go. I make picnic lunches and nourishing dinners. I wake them in the morning with a smile and tuck them in with a story, songs, and a kiss at night. I prepare their backpacks for school, write notes to teachers, pay the bills for their sporting activities, scouts, and camps. And I ride them to these activities, dropping them off and picking them up, running to get groceries in between. I shop for birthday gifts and wrap them up with a bow.

And I don't ever stop, not for a minute. I am first and foremost a mommy. All I do is with regards to my children. I am nurturing them, feeding them, socializing them, helping them on their path to make it in this big, full world. I am a bird. I will not give up until my last has left the nest. And then, and only then, can I fly, just for the pure enjoyment of the flight. Actually feel the sun on my wings, feel the breeze rustle my feathers...but now I am a mama bird. And though I have no freedom, I have a little nest of my own, and with each cleaning, each feeding, each moment of nurturing, my little brood is geting closer to fluttering on their own two wings. And that in itself gives me reason to take just one more flight, eyes taught and ready, as I pick up just one small worm to bring back to my nest.

Hooray! I AM A Sunshine!

I am happy! It is my party! Hooray, it is fine, that Jesus wants to be my friend. I'm starting all over again today, because Jesus is now in my heart. I feel happy, I feel fine! I am a sunshine! I shine!!!

And shine he did. My littlest love all dressed in his Sunday best, blue eyes sparkling, yawning throughout the service...was it boredom, was he tired, or was he completely at ease and relaxed? Whatever it was, he had mama and papa in stitches as we sat and watched him receive this most sacred blessing, the body of Christ. The service was upbeat and child-friendly, which made it fun for everyone. Jari and all his little friends...what a special day! Our little church filled, standing room only as family and friends crowded in wishing us all the best for our child and our family. Lots of kisses, lots of hands shaken, lots of smiles and laughter on the most beautiful day we have experienced this year. Jesus was in all our hearts.

The priest prayed to God, asking Him to help us raise our children to be good adults. To be a shining model for them in their lives. Thanked Him for being there in times of peace, sadness, good and bad times. He recognized the pain in being a parent, trying to do our best, not always sure what is best, not ever simple. But we need to be the sun for our little sunshines. Teach them, love them, help them along in life. And the message is clear. No matter how difficult, it is the most important job in the world. We must do our best, keep doing our best, and it will all be okay in the end.

Here are some pictures of our special day, and the party that followed for both our little children of God. It was super...friends, family, good food, warm sunshine, and fun! What more could we ask for?

Nurture Your Child

as the pearl he is. Each of these children sitting before me are so cute and wonderful, each is valued and unique, and each has grown with your parenting, to be the people they are today. But you are not yet finished. Praise these children, help them to grow further, and don't be discouraged...with little kids come little problems and with big kids come big problems, but they will still need your love and guidance to get them through. These are the words the priest spoke to us parents sitting in the audience, watching as our sons and daughters took part in their confirmation ceremony. It was a beautiful ceremony, very touching, watching these 32 children accept their role as a child of God, to live as good people and be their very best. There were many tears shed throughout the service, mine mingling with the mother sitting to my right, and flowing more heavily as I watched another mother wipe at the tears flowing down her own cheeks. But there were also many smiles and moments of laughter. I was so proud of my 'sun'...he rasied the sun above his head to help the sunflowers grow, and then he said his part in the play as eloquently as was possible. When he was blessed with a cross upon his forehead, I watched as he said "Yes, I want to be a child of God." His godparents standing with him, their hands placed upon his shoulder, his guiding light in his spiritual life. It was a perfect ceremony, my only regret that my mom wasn't there to share in its magic. The magic of Kaeden...the boy he used to be, the man he is becoming, the confused, turmoiled teen he now is.

Here are a few pictures of my son. We weren't allowed to photograph during the service, but you can still see what a handsome young man my guy is turning out to be. And don't forget to cherish and treasure your little pearls in life, nurture them, and watch them grow.

Queens Day aka Koninginnedag

It's time to get out the orange! Dress up and have a party! Celebrate! It's Queen's Day in Holland today. The celebration of the Queen's birthday. And we do it up in styling orange, just as the royal family of Orange would do. Though it was an extremely busy day (week..and will continue to be until this week comes to a complete end) I couldn't pass up a good ole celebration. Especially as it is my first Queen's Day celebration as a real Dutch citizen! A comparable holiday in America would be the 4th of July. The patriotism, the celebration of a land and the people within, food and drink...but in Holland, it's market day. Everybody that doesn't set up a flea market stand heads out to see what junk they can bring home.

Here's a few pictures of our celebratory day. In Belgium, Queen's Day is not a holiday, so the kids still had to go to school and still had to go to soccer and still had to do all the normal stuff. But I made sure they got a little Queen's Day action right here at home. One of those traditions which is sincerely important for me to pass on to my children. So, here it is in all it's glory...Koninginnedag 2008!

From Jari

Sometimes Kaeden kicks me and teases me. But sometimes he is nice and he plays with me. I like it when he plays Playstation with me or soccer. And he can play basketball good. But I can do it even better. Sometimes I can play with my friends. Sometimes we play hide and seek, but I like to play soccer and basketball best. I read some books today and colored at the daycare. Another day I got to work in the garden at school. Four times I got to spray water on the plants. We have pears, onions, brussel sprouts, and carrots. And potatoes too. My feet got muddy. That's not good.

I can do the entire girls song for our end of year party at school. But the pirate song for the boys is hard and I can't do it all. Today I went to the church and sang a song. And if the hostie is as big as milk, it would be a quarter of the milk. I gave the priest a flower, but not a sun.

My friend Bert's mama is called Kat-leen. She has a cat in her name. HAHAHA She comes and reads with me. I am with Bert and Lotte and Femke. In read the best. My group is the flower group. I got a new book today. Oh, and we have Kobe too. Today I made an airplane for Kobe and a tractor for Anouk. Write that she is my sweetheart. Cuz Anouk is my sweetheart. She makes things for me and she plays with me and reads and looks in stroies with me. And she is pretty. And she likes me. She wants to kiss me. She already did kiss me. Can everybody read this? Even Gramma?

And now I am completely done. Look how much I already wrote. That's enough words, mom.

A Haze of Disappointment

I'm trying to be happy. Trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have lots of reasons to be happy: two adorable kids that keep me going going going day and night, a husband with whom I can laugh, good friends that share their ups and downs with me, a home, food, clothing, plane tickets for summer vacation, family far and near, my computer, a telephone. I am happy: I have all it takes to have a good life. I have lots of reasons to stay positive: it keeps my spirit free, I can imagine a better future, things could always be worse, summer is on its way, my family is healthy, there is a party to celebrate the Lord in our lives quickly arriving. I know everything happens for a reason: I worked with autistic people as a teen, my fave author since I was a kid writes books about autistic kids, my main project in college was about Holland, we purchased our home just before the market costs exploded, just driving by a garage one afternoon we spotted our future car in the driveway, I sent an email to some American that lived in the same town as me and she has become one of my best friends, I gave birth when my entire life was falling apart around me. These are all examples, even if ever so tiny, of proof that things happen for a reason. And today, that's what I need to remember, as the spring in my step falters, my shoulders hold an extra knot, and my eyes are not shining as bright as they could.

Today, my mom is supposed to be leaving: destination Belgium. Today my mom is unable to fly, on antibiotics, and staying home with her foot up in bed. And me, call it major disappointment. And even as I try to rationalize these feelings of self-pity, I know it is unfair. But to me, the unfairness falls under the category of me not being able to arrive at teh airport, park my car, and meet my smiling, beautiful mom at the arrival gate. These plans we have had for months in the making have been carried off to some forsaken land, and if I don't keep busy, tears threaten to fall from the corners of my eyes. Today, I am walking around in a misty haze.

I should be grateful. I have a mom in my life, she supports and loves me. And at this moment in time, she is sick and in pain and needs me to be strong. I am trying to be strong, trying to be positive, trying not to allow disappointment to blur my vision. But it is difficult. Still, we'll get through. As long as my mom comes out on top of this, feeling healthy and living with no pain, that's when it will truly all be okay.

So, she won't be here to share in our celebration. But at least we'll be at church where we can ask God to watch over her, help her heal, and feel His love fill us up with faith. And hopefully, some of that disappointment can be turned into strength for my children as well, helping them to smile as seas of dissapointment fill our world with that misty haze.

Get Well Soon, MOM! We'll be missing you, but we're staying strong!

The Phone Call

Yesterday, I called my bestest girliefriend. She lives in Utah, and we met back in the day...when we lived across the hall from one another in our apartment complex, single moms looking for a little something extra. And we found that in each other. We opened our doors and lived in the two apartments simulataneously, each of us caring for the others kids, sharing meals and cleaning up together, throwing dishes away when we didn't feel like cleaning! We made a weekly trek to the laundromat, one of us whisking our little one year olds back through the doors time and time again while the other folded the wash. We pulled out the couch bed and threw sleeping bags for the kids on the floor, sharing family movie night, just the two of us and our three little ones. We wrote magnificent love letters to boyfriends Tammy would meet, and then run from as fast as she got to know them.

And when she moved away a year after we first met, heading to Rhode Island to pursue a new beginning, I helped her pack up her rental trailer, and cried as she pulled out the driveway, her kiddos waving from the back seat. It wasn't long after that I also moved from our little apartment home...being there was no longer any fun...it just didsn't feel like home without my girlfriend and her kids to share it with. So, Kaeden and I began anew in a new home, while I continued dropping Kaeden off at daycare each morning, running to and from classes, and then to work, picking him up only to have to kiss him goodbye as the babysitter arrived. It was busy back then, but fulfilling. Every spare moment I had, I used to give my little boy my full mommy attention. We shared so much in the hours that didn't occupy school and work. And Tammy and I...well, we continued to talk, to share news and ups and downs, but using the good old telephone for our line of communication. Neither of us had much money back then. But we didn't need much...just enough to manage to keep in touch, check in, touch base.

Tammy moved back to Wyoming, then onto Utah. She never was one to stay put for long. A bit like myself, she needed change to keep her interested. But I had no choice then. I had to complete my education to make a life for my son and myself. And it was all working out okay.

Tammy bought me a modem for my computer. She wanted to be able to keep in better touch and knew that we could via internet. We got my computer up and running while she headed back to Utah. The first night I set up ICQ thinking it would be great to chat with my girlfriend. But instead, I met Erwin. First night online, and I responded to some guy from Holland called Eagle...because I had hit an eagle with my truck just days before and my windshield was still shattered from the impact. And, for a project I was doing in school, Holland was my topic. And once that started with him, there was no turning back.

But in the meantime, Tammy and I continued to call, to chat, to be bestest friends....from a distance. She was still the first person I called in a crisis, in moments of panic, or when I just had to share a story about my new 'boyfriend' in Holland. During New Years, Kaeden adn I headed to Utah to spend some time with Tammy and her family. While I was there, Erwin first told me what I love you means in Dutch. That moment, I shared with my girliefriend, Tammy. When Erwin made trip plans to visit, she was the first I called to cry out in giggles and yet fear. When Erwin and I got married, she was the maid of honor in my wedding. She is my bestest girliefriend, afterall.

Yesterday, I got an urge to call Tammy. These days, we don't talk quite as much...the time change is huge, and while she is at wotk, I am home, while I am sleeping, she is awake. But she still never leaves my mind. Yesterday, I needed to touch base, hear her voice, talk with this person who knows me from inside out, and still loves me, more than I sometimes love myself.

I got the voice mail. My stomach took a dive. Oh, how I needed to hear her voice. It's been months since we've spoken, and emailing is just not the same. And so I left a message, telling her I love her. And later, after I'd been outside playing with the kids, I listened to my own voice mail, and there was her voice. "Call me at work. I need to talk to you. I wanna know how you are. I have so much to tell you!"

And I called her at woek, and the instant she answered the phone, it was if we have never been apart. We laughed and giggled, we spoke of the serious issues happening in our lives, we shared all those little things bestest girliefriends are meant to share. And when Erwin came home from work, she told me to go and enjoy my husband, and she'd talk to me again soon.

Soon. Speaking to my bestest girliefriend. Doesn't matter when that will be, because soon is always just as if it were today. Our lives change, our missions in life change, but through it all, we have and will remain bestest girliefriends. Tammy. What a multi-faceted woman, wild and yet down-to-earth, rebellious as heck, and fighting to do her best as a mom. She's truly a terrific friend...someone I thank God every day for putting in my life...yeah, my bestest girliefriend.

Playing Games

This afternoon the boys and I spent a couple hours playing soccer games. It was so much fun! Jari and I were playing 9 months and when Kaeden came home we continued. I love hearing them cheer me and each other on, working together as a team, just enjoying the game and life as a family.

Tonight we played a game I picked up at the second hand store...Pinkeltje. Seeing Jari's face light up with excitement each time he came closer to his goal brought many smiles to Erwin and my face. He is so expressive...and so darn cute with all his missing and growing teeth. And when he won, it was as if the heavens released a pot of gold right over his head. Pure joy. Pure happiness...and so much expression.

As much as my day was a total waste (I went back to bed after everyone left, expecting to take a little nap and waking up 5 (yes, FIVE) hours later having gotten absolutely nothing done, my afternoon and evening has been a complete success. Nothing makes me feel more total than seeing my happy boys, being nice and loving, just completing the dream that fills my head for our family. Family Game Night...perfection!

Calling Out For Help!

Please peeps, keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers. She has been having severe pain in her leg the past few weeks and even with strong antibiotics, it is not improving. She cannot walk, she is in severe pain, has major swelling, and her skin is peeling off of her leg. Though she has been to three different doctors, none of them has been able to help. She called me this morning and is very sad as she is admitting that she may not be able to make the trip here for Kaeden's confirmation and Jari's First Communion. She simply cannot travel being as ill as she is. Today she is going to yet another doctor with the hopes of finding something to cure her (they think she may have a form of cellulitis, but it's not entirely clear and it's not healing from antibiotics). After researching on the internet, I told her to demand IV antibiotics. As much as I would hate for her to have to give up the trip here, I am mainly just really worried about her. I just want her to be better, able to walk, and not in agonizing pain. So, send along any positive vibes you can...first for her health, and secondly that she is well enough to make the trip overseas. Thanks!!!