Tera,a look inside

It's me, Tera here. I've been feeling a change in myself lately. A kind of energy that plows through me and makes me wonder just who has overtaken my body. I am much more aware of things I don't like in myself, and things I love. I have found myself getting harder as I age, but with the hardness comes an appreciation for being able to state my opinions and my feelings without feeling self-conscious about it. I'm a nice person, from inside out. I find myself smiling at strangers and wondering about them, who they are, and my smile isn't forced, but genuine. I am not a dumb person, but find myself wishing I was more knowledgeable about the world, history, simple things I take for granted. And wishing that when I did learn something new, it would stay with me instead of claiming me for a day and then being once again forgotten.

I am a mom. A mom who gives her all to be the best I can for my children. Giving them my time and energy and love. But wishing I could give them even more, knowing that I also allot myself plenty of me time, even though I don't take full advantage of what I could be doing with that time. My kids are certainly offered the comforts life has to give. They have never had to worry about who will be there to care for them, or have clean clothes, or food. Their shelves are over-filled with kid stuff, both dollar store junk and precious costly toys. They don't often play with any of it. We are a very computer-oriented family, and as much as this has positive aspects, I sometimes worry about the negative effects it has on our relationships, with ourselves, and as a family. I worry about my children's health, probably because of all the health issues Kaeden had as a young child. But I also worry about their weight, knowing that my being overweight could have lasting effects on them as well, yet I still give in far too often when asked for cookies and candy. It's a battle within a battle. My boys both have less respect for me than they should, or than I deserve. Sometimes I feel that they treat me as their servant, and I too often let it happen. But I love them with all my heart, and in the deepest place inside of me, I know I am a good mom.

I am a wife. I have had this title now for 6 years, and still to this day it makes me feel strange to say it. I have this combined feeling of ecstasy and disbelief, also proud that I found a man who loves me and provides for me. I enjoy being a wife, but worry that I could be more loving and more giving in our relationship, while in the same breath thinking how very much I do for my husband and our family. He doesn't complain, and seems to just go with the flow of the home we have created. He eats what I cook, he attends events I plan, he lets me be my own person as long as I am also available for all our family adventures. But, he still knows how to push my buttons, sometimes in the best sense, sometimes in a way I wish I never had to deal with. Him and I, we are a good couple. We get along well, but take each other for granted too much of the time. We don't allow ourselves to take advantage of 'us' time, and sometimes I worry that that could be something that becomes the breaking point for us. Not now, now everything is good, but will we still find each other appealing and attractive years from now when we look at each other and wonder who the person we've been married to all these years really is?

I am a teacher. When I say that, a hard lump gets stuck in my throat and nearly chokes me, knowing that the profession I chose, the work I love, is no longer in the cards for me. My husband and I argue incessantly about the value of this profession, and I stand strong in my views that teachers are worth more than they are given credit for. I love children. I love their honesty, their passion, their innocence. I love their energy. When I play with Jari's friends, it establishes for me all over again that I was right to become a teacher. I have a special bond with children when given the opportunity. I love opening their eyes to new adventures in life, providing them with opportunities they don't normally encounter. I love having children come to play and asking if we can please bake cookies like last time they were here, or begging to get out the craft boxes filled with all kinds of treasures most people throw away in their junk garbage. I love pulling blankets out of cupboards and telling them they can build a tent, and seeing the glee in their eyes as they ask, "Can we really do THAT?"

I am someone who loves the feeling of things being cleaned up, but who despises cleaning myself. I love wearing fresh-ironed clothes, but hate pulling out the iron and ironing board. I love to cook and experiment in the kitchen, but have little patience for things that take too much effort or too many pans. I am somebody who can't stand plannning too far in advance, can't stand lists or a schedule, yet realise how much easier life is if you plan, schedule, and check things off. When it comes to travel or vacation, I don't need to hear it twice before I am in search of a good deal for new adventures, whether they be in foreign countries or in the comfort of family. I love holidays, all of them, and do everything in my power to celebrate them with flair and extravagance. I am somebody who needs the sun to feel alive and healthy, and dreary winters put me in a foul mood. I am somebody who cannot overcome a small cold without it bludgeoning into something big, and I manage to attract every little virus that comes in my path.

This is me, hello Tera. I may seem like a nobody faced with the greatness of this huge wide world, I may not be important when it comes to world news, but I am me, and I am happy with who I am. I have so many facets to the face everyone sees on the outside, and very few can look inside to learn the real me. But this is me, little pieces all wound up to be this woman I have become. And looking in from the outside, looking from the outside in, I am okay.


Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

I just love your writing, Tera. How you both objectively and subjectively describe yourself, and with such grace. Thank you for sharing these facets of yourself. And for what it's worth, I think you're more than okay!

Lisa said...

Beautiful post, Tera. You're so much more than okay. You're absolutely fabulous, girl!

V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios said...

I think as we get older we have more clarity and objectivity about ourselves, and if we're lucky, more compassion towards ourselves and others. I enjoyed reading this and appreciate you sharing it.

Brigitte said...

This is a great post. I understand your struggles as trying to be a woman, wife and mother can be demanding. No one is perfect. We are all perfect in our imperfection.