Today I spent the morning at the hospital.  This time, it was just for control of the breast cancer scare early last year.  I did my tests (another day of getting poked all over trying to find a vein) and was told no results other than to speak with my doctor later in the week.  The good news is there was no biopsy this time around, so I am assuming everything looked okay.  But why do they let you worry for days if there is nothing wrong.  Why can't they say "Everything looks good.  You can make an appt with your doctor for followup advice."  Then at least you know the score, where you stand in the race.  So, Erwin made me an appt for Thursday and I'll hear what they have to say.  If there is time left over, I can discuss with my doc one of the MANY other issues I need to see her about.  This health stuff, it's driving me CRAZY!

I'm not entirely sure when it started but in the past couple years I have so many health issues it's starting to sincerely drive me crazy.  I mean, as in, one of the problems I want to discuss with my doctor is this weird feeling happening in my head.  I always feel as if I am living in a dream.  I forget things quickly and easily, and even simple little things seem very foggy, just as if you sort of remember a dream, bits and pieces of it, but it doesn't all fit together quite correctly.  It's actually a very scary feeling, and I am not sure if something is physically wrong with me or if the stress of life has finally caught up to me and I really am going crazy.  In any case, this is an issue I am somewhat scared to bring up.  I mean, I don't want a referal to a psych but I also don't want a brain surgeon...yet there is a real and definite problem and it is affecting MANY areas of my life, including my relationships with all my family members.  I am very easily angered and frustrated, and a large part of that has to do with not actually being able to be present due to this fogginess.  I take it out on my family because I truly cannot concentrate on more than one voice, sound or movemnet at a time...which isn't reality.  The headaches that come with this are extreme.

This is just one honorable mention in the list that I have made of health issues.  I am a 42 year old woman feeling like a demented 85 year old.  And as my mind fails me, so does my body.  It's just no fun!!  So, Thursday I have an appointment with my doctor.  I hope the news brings some sense of relief, and gives me an opening to walk out into the light once again, leaving the fog behind me, instead of surrounding.


Back From Reprieve

Has it really been SOOOO long?  Yes, it has.  Far too long.  I think one culprit is Facebook and using that as a tool to status my life, but the other culprit has been me myself and I.  When one is unhappy, one finds difficulty in making words flow.  Yesterday I logged into my blogger account and reread some of my past posts.  I remembered why I started blogging; to document our lives, the good and the bad, a diary for my children to one day be able to again touch their childhood.  So, I decided that for me, as an outlet, this is necessary.  For my children, only a benefit in their future if they so choose to read our story.  Now, let it unfold.

I haven't been managing well in my life.  I have had numerous health issues hit me the past few years, and i think that coupled with all our other issues has sent me a bit over the edge.  When my knee surgery uncovered a serious arthritic issue last summer, I really started to feel older than my age.  When the shots quit helping and I was forced to use a crutch to walk, a piece of my spirit went with it.  I finally completed my series of gel shots last week which will hopefully give me back a sense of independence and health.  I still feel some pain and still walk a bity limpy, but it does seem to be helping and I actually took the stiars step by step like a normal person this week.  So, we're going to stay focussed on the positive and hope that I can walk comfortably enough to get into shape, as I have gained weight and lost self confidence throughout this process of being unable to walk.  Last week on our way to the doctor, I didn't have enough money in my wallet to cover the costs.  Oma was with Jari and I and Jari discovered she had €32 in her purse.  With the combined funds, we'd have enough to pay my docotr visit.  But, Jari wouldn't be able to have his coffee and pie day out with oma while they waited for me.  Jari said,"Yeah, but I would MUCH rather mama be able to walk again than I get a piece of pie.  So we should use the money for the doctor!"  I looked at my little boy and tears spileld over my cheeks.  Whatever we do wrong in parenting, it's also very obvious that Erwin and I are also doing some things right.  That child is caring, giving, and loving and I am so proud to be his mom.

This year marked the 18th birthday of Kaeden and with his birthday the title of adult.  It has been crazy trying to arrange everything for this next stage of his journey of life.  Last week we attended court to take away a primary right of our adult son.  It was a difficult step for me, knowing I was doing the right thing, yet wanting it, yet again, to be a different story.  Kaeden's financial matters now lie in my hands, with assistance from the judge.  It's just the beginning of taking over the care and the rights of our now adult son.  And it looks like a very long road ahead, especially emotionally.  As we fight for rights as his parents, we also fight for rights for him, all the while keeping his needs in the forefront.  I never knew what a journey I would be forced to take when I gave him life 18 years ago.  I wouldn't change that moment in time for anything, but I certainly feel as if my hopes and dreams for him have been forced into the black hole, never to return.  My dreams for him now include the hope for one day of ease when he comes home for the weekend.  One day we can all enjoy each other without problems.  One day in which he can manage to just "go with the flow".  One day where his eyes twinkle as he tells a story, rather than a darkness locking away his spirit somewhere deep inside.  Those moments keep me going, that twinkle is my hope.

Jari is ending his first phase of his schooling life.  Next year he attends middelbaar, the beginning of his secondary education.  It hasn't been easy, assisting him in discovering what choices are available and making a decision about his future.  I much prefer the Laramie Wyoming way where there is one school, you go there, get a general education and at 18 move onto college.  At 12, Jari has chosen to head off into the big world and attend sports school.  It means him traveling alone on the city bus system to reach his school.  It means extra hours of training, extra expenses, and extra work for all parties, as well as deserting all that is familiar inclusing his friends.  But he is certain and he is determined and he claims to be ready for this next adventure in his life.  I am so proud of him.  He is a good student with many friends, he is polite and becoming a bit more open towards others.  And he is a soccer player with a dream much bigger than he is.  This dream, I treasure it.  I watch him considering possibilities, I hear him discuss his future, and front and center lies his goal; to be a professional soccer player.  He has talent, his abilities are strong, but what a long road ahead to reach his dream.  I feel as if allowing him to attend sport school is allowing him to strive further towards this goal.  I worry about what it will do to him mentally, such a challenge with long hours and additional stress.  But I am excited to see how he handles the pressure, to watch him evolve and see what he will become.  It is with pleasure that I watch my little boy growing up and making a life for himself.

That is it for today.  A shortened version of life, everything in a nutshell.  What have I written?  A documentary of my children, the two beings that tug at my heart and while I gave them life, they have reciprocated by giving it back to me.  Along with my husband, we struggle through, trying to give to them while making our own lives meaningful as well.  Our sons, our boys, the central point of our lil family, and the only thing important in the whole scheme of life.