It Hurts

It hurts.

I watch him prepare his bag, fill it with clothes and special mementos.

I watch him write a list of all he is to bring.

I watch him without him knowing.

I watch him, and it hurts.

Do you have everything? I ask

A mama and her son.

Yes, I wrote it all down, he says

And I check his list.

You need your coat I say

And I run out to the laundry line and tear it off

I smell his coat, but his scent is gone, clean with soap and sun and air

He pulls his backpack on his back.

He puts his coat on as I hand it to him

And his hand fleetingly touches mine

A mama and her son.

His touch makes me ache, it hurts

A stabbing pain in my heart

As he reaches towards me for a kiss

A kiss, something you do when you say goodbye

For me, a promise of my love

Tender lips touching

A mama and her son.

It's Saturday night, time to go

The sky just beginning to turn dark

As is my spirit as I hug him to me

His coat and his backpack covering

His body I long to feel in my arms.

It hurts, and tears fill my eyes

But will not fall, cannot fall

I must be brave, have courage and faith

This is best, this is what he needs

Goodbye my son, I love you.

And the door closes as he glances back towards me

Seeing the tears threatening to fall

And I smile, have fun this week, kiddo, I say

And as the latch closes tight, I hurt.

And one tear falls as I turn towards the kitchen

To where there is light

And I make a cup of coffee as I tell myself over and over again:

This is best, he needs this, he wants this

He loves this.

But I need you, I want you, I love you, my boy.

And it hurts.