Happy Bday Jari

Dear Jari,

Hey my 10 year old! How did that happen, you already in the double digits? Sometimes it seems as if you have always been with me, sometimes as if it were just yesterday that I was screaming to get you out on the hospital bed. And when finally you popped out into the world and they laid you on my chest, it was then that I knew my world was complete, my family whole. It was then that I looked at you and kissed your face and made you a promise that I would be the best mommy I possibly can. I have kept that promise my dear boy. I may not always get it right, and life may be just a little more crazy for us than for many others, but I do always do my best.

And I think we're doing okay. You awakened with sleepy hair and half-closed eyes and as you trippel-trapped down the steps I greeted you with a big hug and Happy Birthday 10 year old, and you fell into my arms and wrapped your hands around my neck. And it is in those moments that we share something strong and special and it makes all those parenting mistakes slip away into the background and the love come out and shine, and what is more important than that. A security and togetherness and knowing we have a place in the world. I think that is something very strong for both of us. Giving and taking and supplementing each other to complete each other. It is truly beautiful.

You were so very happy on your 10th birthday! All day there was a light in your eyes that just sparkled and you giggled and you laughed and you acted goofy and you smiled. I was utterly taken aback at the relaxed mode you were in, just complete joy that it was your special day and by golly, you were there to enjoy every second! You have something about you that holds you back sometimes, a shyness, fear, disharmony, and I worry about that in you as it often prevents you from doing things you want to do, from getting the most out of life. But yesterday, that barrier was gone, and I saw a little boy who just enjoyed life and wasn't going to let anything stop him. I was so happy, right along with you.

All your friends came for your party and as each arrived you just shined more and more. I watched you playing before we left for the park and that smile, I wish I could hold it in place for an eternity. We went to Goolderheide to play on the playground and do mini golf and eat lunch and everyone loved the day. You all played flag tag in the woods and all 10 of you (10...10...sounds about right!) just really got on well and enjoyed the company, and were just nice kids I was proud to say were part of our repertoire of friends. Riding bikes as you all wore your new vests mama painted with your names and they all really loved...I am so glad I have you to keep those little things important in my life. Things I love to do but don't do often enough, like painting...you help bring out that creativity in me and that is what brings me joy. Being creative, just as you are when you just do it!

You called Kaeden and Gramma and Grampa and when you were speaking to your brother on the phone, you smiled the whole time telling him about your party and when you told him "I miss you, and I can't wait to see you Thursday" it made my heart melt. Kaeden is hard to live with sometimes, but knowing you truly miss him and accept him as our family and love him as your brother no matter what, well, kiddo, that makes you strong amd generous and those qualities, because of living life with Kaeden, will help you to succeed in life. It may be hard, but I am glad you are able to put the bad behind and just accept that life is what it is and this is my brother, and he is mine no matter what.

Oma, opa and Ilse came to watch your soccer training and party with us for dinner. You liked your soccer cake I made to surprise you and even explained the perspective of the ball in relation to the net which was much too small...what a smart kid I have! Throughout every moment of the time they were here, you shined my boy. You glowed all day and I just hope that being 10 always brings you so much wonderful in life. You play little tricks on people, just little things that noone else would think to say or do...quick-witted and really good at being funny...not outwardly annoyingly funny, but just enough to make it hilarious. You used your please and thank you's (which you don't like to do!) and I just saw the kid you are and hiding behind that, the man you will become. Someone a little like your dad and a little like your mom and a little like yourself to make this really terrific combination of a person. In your actions, personality and eyes, I really saw that we are doing okay!

I am so glad you enjoyed your birthday lil bug. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. Nothing makes me more proud than knowing part of that happiness comes from me...my actions, my discipline, my love. You are my heart! Happy Birthday to my very favorite ten year old. Get out there and dance like noone is watching! xoxo Mama

Kaed's coming HOME!

My son is coming home! I haven't seen my boy since June 24th when I dropped him at the airport for summer adventures in America. It was long enough when I thought I'd see him Sunday, but when Hurricane Irene arrived, she replaced my son's arrival with cancellations and now it's past when I expected to see him but he's going to be home Thursday! That only took me 10 hours on the phone and my mom even more, but guess what? My son? He's coming home!!!

This summer has flown by, and lucky for me I was very busy doing this, that, and the other. I didn't have a lot of time to actually miss Kaeden, as in really miss him, just thinking about him and what he's doing and how he is and what's he doing now and I wonder where he is and is he awake yet? I thought of him plenty, and also had enough opportunity to communicate with him so it wasn't too bad and I know he had a blast, because every time I talked to him (except the time we were discussing his cancelled flight due to the hurricane) I could hear the smile in his eyes, and what more could a mom even wish for than that smile shining in his eyes and his heart.

There wer eno major blow-ups during the entire summer, and the problems that did arise seem to have been easily handled without too much difficulty. So, it all went well and I am so glad he had this opportunity. I am sure he has grown (well, he told me today he looks pregnant he's gained so much weight...) and been encased in love which is more difficult to come by here in his home in Europe. He is loved, but being with his grandparents he bonded with from day one gives him more security than anything else. And he really has a fondness for America.

In any case, my son will be home soon! I can't wait to see him and just have him in my midst again. It has been a wonderful break, but I'm ready to have him in my presence and life again.

Rest In Peace

In loving memory of my little Crocky who stays with us in spirit. May you find health, lots of fresh veggies, and the very crunchiest of hay in the place you have gone. I will miss your wheeting and wiggling nose my little friend. Rest In Peace.