Introducing....

We were on summer vacation in Austria and Czech Republic. One day, we went to visit the zoo. There were bears and goats and a leopard and monkeys...and a cage full of bunnies and guinea pigs. And on the cage was a sign: For Sale: Guinea Pigs €7, Rabbits €10

And Jari fell head over heels in love. With Gizmo. Whom I now introduce as our newest family member,he has given friendship to our lonely Rudy since his brother, Crocky died. So, our little gremlin (well, Jari's, but I can call him mine too, right?!) Gizmo. Isn't he a doll?

Kaed's coming HOME!

My son is coming home! I haven't seen my boy since June 24th when I dropped him at the airport for summer adventures in America. It was long enough when I thought I'd see him Sunday, but when Hurricane Irene arrived, she replaced my son's arrival with cancellations and now it's past when I expected to see him but he's going to be home Thursday! That only took me 10 hours on the phone and my mom even more, but guess what? My son? He's coming home!!!

This summer has flown by, and lucky for me I was very busy doing this, that, and the other. I didn't have a lot of time to actually miss Kaeden, as in really miss him, just thinking about him and what he's doing and how he is and what's he doing now and I wonder where he is and is he awake yet? I thought of him plenty, and also had enough opportunity to communicate with him so it wasn't too bad and I know he had a blast, because every time I talked to him (except the time we were discussing his cancelled flight due to the hurricane) I could hear the smile in his eyes, and what more could a mom even wish for than that smile shining in his eyes and his heart.

There wer eno major blow-ups during the entire summer, and the problems that did arise seem to have been easily handled without too much difficulty. So, it all went well and I am so glad he had this opportunity. I am sure he has grown (well, he told me today he looks pregnant he's gained so much weight...) and been encased in love which is more difficult to come by here in his home in Europe. He is loved, but being with his grandparents he bonded with from day one gives him more security than anything else. And he really has a fondness for America.

In any case, my son will be home soon! I can't wait to see him and just have him in my midst again. It has been a wonderful break, but I'm ready to have him in my presence and life again.

England

Yesterday I spent a portion of my day making plans. PLans that are pretty exciting, to me and my family. See, a few months back, I was also making plans. PLans for Jari and I to make a trip to England for my aunt Lucy's 90th surprise birthday party! I bought train tickets for the two of us to go, happy I was able to be there to represent my family. To visit with these people I don't see often enough, to be there to celebrate the life of an amazing woman I have come to treasure over the years of my own life. So, Jari and I were going to make the trek across the sea and spend five days enjoying London.

Then, yesterday, new plans were made. My dad, impulsive though he is, decided he was bringing my gramma to her sister's birthday party to surprise her! She decided to make the trip, so I made the reservations for my dad, mom, and gramma to meet us in London! And, the thought of being encircled in the bosom of my family has me feeling pretty good!

Even more, I am so so so happy that my gramma and her sister will be reunited once again. The surprise on my Aunt Lucy's face is one already etched in my mind before the event takes place. These two women, my gramma and her sister, have shared a very special bond in life. As babies, they were given up by their parents and lived in a children's home in London. When Lucy was old enough, she left and married, and took my gramma home to live with her. When the war broke out, my gramma was once again on her own, serving in the women's force of the army. This is where she met my grampa, and when the war was over she moved to America to begin a life with him, having seven children of her own, never giving them up.

Lucy and gramma have visited each other throughout the years, both in England and America. They have kept a close bond throughout the years, and on Lucy's last visit to America, they said their goodbyes, knowing it was the last time they would see each other in life. But, it wasn't the last time, because come her 90th birthday, my gramma will be there to share it with her sister...one last visit to share their laughter and smiles. It brings me a feeling of euphoria, this passion filling my heart, of two sisters having lived a terrible childhood, yet bringing them a connection that even great distance would survive.

And my dad and mom, bless them, know the importance of such family values, and are making it happen, this chance for them to be together one last time. It makes my heart sing and I am so glad I will have the opportunity to be present and witness the love that will be able to be felt and nearly touched. I am so grateful my parents have passed their values of family onto me, to allow me this joy in seeing two sisters united.

Plus, my kiddo, Jari, is so excited he gets to see gramma and grampa and great-gramma again! And me too!! When my children have the opportunity to be with their grandparents, it's like a light of love surrounds me and I feel complete happiness. So, it's a good thing, this planning, because it gives me something to look forward to, and something to bring joy upon impact!

Vacation with Autism

We always go on vacation at Easter time. The boys have 2 weeks off from sachool, Erwin schedules his week off at the beginning of the year, and we steal away to one place or another hoping for some relaxation and distance from typical life. An escape from reality.

This year, it is no different than other years. We are still planning a week away, the four of us off on new adventures. But there was something that happened which made it a bit different. I found a vacation deal which was *almost* too good to pass up.

Typically, with just a week vacation, we stay close to home. Germany has been a regular stop, Luxembourg, and Holland. Belgium is also entirely possible, of course. We save the big places, the further distances, for summer when the weather is certain and the time longer. We have as yet never been to France on vacation, but it's also just a stone throw away. This year, however, I discovered a trip to Italy. A quick flight from the airport nearby our home. A rental car and little house on the Gardameer lake. All under 500 euro for all 4 of us. Which is considerably more than we usually spend for our week away, but considering it's Italy and flying, it was a totally doable vacation.

Erwin and I discussed it, and both of us were ready to book our vacation. Then, I got this niggling feeling in the back of my head which wouldn't go away, and I started looking for vacations closer to home. Last night, I spoke with Erwin about all the reasons I hadn't yet booked the Italy trip.

Kaeden. Kaeden, Kaeden, and more Kaeden. Our son is just too temperamental. From minute to minute we can never be sure how he reacts to a situation. Traveling he is almost always a star. He is helpful and organised and on his best behavior. He loves going on vacation and exploring and adventure. That may not sound very áutistic', but for him, it is what it is. Our autistic son loves new experiences.

However, the house I found in Italy which we could afford to make the trip was a one bedroom place. We always book 3 bedroom homes to give us all space to escape, no matter that the cost is higher. Kaeden needs his own space to escape, and we need it as well. If something goes awry, we need a time-out place. One bedroom would not allow us this luxury, this absolute need. And, as I searched further for a larger home, I realized that in Italy, you get what you pay for, and something bigger was not within budget.

A rental car. Yes, we would need a rental car if we were planning to fly and still go off exploring. This is ssuch a simple thing for travellers, renting a vehicle and taking off. But when you have a person with you, for whom riding in a car is his most difficult exercise anywhere, anytime, and often has major bouts of tantrums in a vehicle, a rental car becomes expensive. What if he broke a window hitting it? What if he rippe doff a seat? What if he tore holes in the fabric? What if he caused an accident, god forbid, as he threw himself over the seats? These may all be what if's, and certainly not expected, but all experiences we have shared with him which make us worry when renting a vehicle. The costs we could endure in damages makes us think twice. Especially after our trip to America at Christmas still fresh on our minds when the ride in the rental car became a complete disaster, nearly causing an accident.

Flying. Kaeden loves to fly and is extremely well prepared to do so. He has done much more flying than the typical child his age, and knows all the ins and outs of airports, airplanes, and baggage. However, we don't 'normally' fly on our week long trips. This change in itself could cause him enough stress to throw him out of sync. It's these little things for which he is unprepared that cause him the most fear and impatience and moodiness. He is used to driving to a vacation house and searching out his bedroom and looking where all the dishes are and the pots and pans, and exploring the area around the house. But we don't fly to get there. Would that be enough to send him over the edge?

So, with a too small house, the possible extra costs involved in damages, and the unexpected transportation, I could see in my mind all the scenarios why this trip to Italy may not be a good decision. As much as *I* wanted to go, I also knew that I didn't want to deal with extra fights, extra stress, and extra worries in a time we are suppoosed to enjoy each other and our break from life. The trip to Italy was something I wasn't prepared to do.

This decision has left me feeling a bit sad. Not becuase i am missing out, but because life with autism is so difficult. Simple decisions become a process. Fun things create stress situations which in turn create major tantrums. We are limited in what we can do, yet we don't let the limitations get the best of us. We force Kaeden to deal with them. Are we fair to him in doing so? I think, yes, he must learn to deal with thse situations in order to be prepared for life. I, however, and unwilling to take a good vacation and ruin it in my selfish desire for just a little *more*. I'll be looking for a vacation closer to home, a little vacation house with 3 bedrooms and a quick trip there, and save my Italy dreams for the summer, when time is on our side. And the experiences can extend when Kaeden is visiting family or happy with his friends at school on camp, and we can make that rest and relaxation really meaningful without the stress it causes for our son and our family.

And we'll go away for our week at Easter, and we'll have fun and enjoy each other and explore new areas and have advetures together as a family...and it will be the perfect family vacation. The other perfect vacation can wait for the perfect time, without the undue stress, without it being our ~entire~ family.

Problem Solving

Last week the boys had fall break from school. As is typical, we set out on a Halloween mini-vacation in a bungalow park for the week. This year, Kaeden happily chose to be with us from Friday-Monday, and return to his home away from home Tuesday-Friday. It was a good compromise, one in which we could all live with. It gave us family time, but also a relaxed break apart in a different setting. It was ideal.

However, Friday afternoon we started for Belgium after our week away, where we were to pick Kaeden up at his home away from home at 4pm. The usual 2 hour trip turned into a 4 hour one due to the numerous traffic jams, and you can imagine my fretting when I realized we weren't going to make it in time to collect Kaeden. I tried calling the home, but there was no answer. I tried calling a friend to see if she could pick him up, no answer. Kaeden's cell phone is having some mystery issues (I may discuss this in a separate email, but something to do with using his phone to make emergency calls, as everything is an emergency when it isn't his way...so his service was disconnected) so I couldn't contact him via phone. But, I tried to send a text message and it got through and he used the house phone to return my call.

"Mama, where are you?" he asked me. I told him we were stuck in traffic and had been for awhile. That I wasn't able to make it home on time to pick him up (knowing his home closes at 4). And then, just as I was about to offer my idea of a solution, he came up with one of his own (mine!).

"Mama, should I take the public bus home?" he asked me. "Then we could just meet at home."

When I heard him offer this solution so many feelings flooded throgh me. He managed to come up with this on his own. He found a solution to a problem. He called me to convey his idea. He can use public transport on his own. He is becoming independent. He is making me so proud!

I told him to have his caregivers look up bus times, though both Kaeden and I were sure there was a 4:20 pm bus direct to home. I then asked him to call me back to let me know if it would work out for sure.

The phone rang 5 minutes later. "Yep, mama, there is a 4:20 bus so I'll be home before 5." This coming from MY son! It still amazes me.

I relayed to him that if we weren't home by the time he was, to just wait in the backyard or play basketball until we get there. I told him he could feed the animals if he wanted. I didn't realize we'd be stuck in yet another traffic jam. We were.

I texted Kaeden to let him know, but he couldn't respond (seems he can receive texts, but can't send or call) so I hoped he recieved my message. As we got closer to home a good HOUR later, I texted him again. (Almost there, kiddo! Can't wait to see you!)

As we turned the corner to our house, a whole hour later that the arrival of his bus, and 2 hours later than when we thought we'd be home, I saw my son a scooter in his hands, a huge smile on his face, on the street corner. My heart leaped into my throat. There he was, my beautiful boy...rather, young man...independent, successful young man.

I got out of the car and hugged him tight, for that 2 seconds he would let me, bretahing in the smell of this new side of my son...this thinking, problem-solving person in my midst. And I looked to the sky and said a little prayer of thanks.

Chicken and Dumpling Brain

I'm feeling a little ADD. I have thoughts, words running through my head, I want to share, but can't. Nothing comes out in anything anyway anyone could understand. I am confused, confusing. I can't get any single thought to cooperate. I say too little in too much.

Chicken and dumplings for dinner. Yum! A whole day boiling that sucker...and tearing it apart...bones, skin, gristle...separate the meat..real meat. By the time I am done, my hands stink and I'm not sure I'll be able to eat a bite...all that ripping apart of that chicken. Cut up some carrots and onions, taste the broth...and the smell filling the house is simply delectable. Can I train my mind to steer clear of the cleaning of the bones? Oh how easy it could be to turn vegetarian. But yet, memories of the last chicken and dumplings make my mouth drip with longing.

How many quarters can make up $5. Seems like a lot, when every time Kaeden gets a quarter removed for unacceptable behavior. Today he left for school with $1,25. $3,75 used up in behavior fees over the course of the weekend. $3,75 worth of moments of anger and aggression of which turns me into a ball of nerves..not to mention the ball of fury papa becomes and the ball of energy Jari rolls into. 20 quarters. 20 chances given to be mean. 15 chances used up. 15 chances in which I have been given a headache, stomachache, and been filled up with worry, sadness, anger, and blame. Yet the $5 is working, on a small scale. 15 chances is better than the 40 we dealt with 3 weeks ago. We don't know what to do. We are at a point of uncertainty...were we ever not? His values have slipped since attending his home away from home. He no longer hears mama and papa's warnings about using those nasty words. He no longer hears us reiterating the proper place for sex. He is with peers, all of whom curse as it's cool, talk about sex cause that's what teenage boys do. But without home to bring it all together, put the priorities straight. Weekends sometimes feel like a little glimpse of hell. But the week no longer holds that tint of black and red. What is best? What do we do? 20 chances, $5 sometimes seems too little, when in reality it's $5, 20 chances too many.

Soccer...passion. The two words go hand in hand. Jari's club moved up a level, meaning we play teams much better than those we played last year. Besides moving up a level, Jari also moved up an age bracket. Put those two together, and we have what we can call a slight disaster. Not that it would have been better staying on with his own team, but our team is not a real team. We don't play together, we are like little individuals all making up this whole that's never a complete whole. I'm concerned that the passion could be removed from the soccer. Losing by 10+ points every game, getting not only beaten but slammed into the ground, and not working together as a real team could take my son's passion and crumble it. I'm not willing to let that happen. So, I am aware and watching, on top of things even as every game leaves me sitting in a pool of frustration. Passion and soccer belong together, hand in hand.

Latvia...a number of days away with my husband. A vacation in every sense of the word...no kids! What struck me was the poor living conditions, in a place filled with soviet influence. The big blocks of homes, people hanging from windows, clothing blowing on balconies. The land is fairly new it's own land, needs time to bring up their standards. In the meantime, people suffer, without knowing they suffer. The people seem happy, content, freedom finally theirs for the taking. Yet in their contentment and freedom, I am able to eat, drink, and be merry on a fraction of the cost I would normally have to pay. Erwin says my visit is bringing in tourism to them, bringing in cash. He is right, of course, but it feels so wrong that I have the chance, the money, the power to take a vacation when that little boy plays in the yard of a home nearly falling to pieces around him. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experiences, so many sights to fall in love with, so much new I never imagined I'd have the opportunity to explore. And I do...I did. Vacation in Latvia...just me and him...perfection within reach.

I examine my friendships. Some people I call friends are not people I would actually consider friend material. They are just here, present, bringing with them the title of friend though they have no other qualities of friend other than physical presence. I get annoyed...with them, yes, but even more with myself. Why do I allow these relationships to continue? It isn't a sharing relationship...one of give and take. It's not like I am acting as a friend should. I wouldn't be my friend if reciprocated. I take, but I take because I have nothing to give. It's not a two way street, but one way with me in front and someone following, trying to catch up, yet never quite making it. I feel devious, a little smart, someone I would never like in real life. I'm not proud of myself, but find this easier than getting out of the relationship. It's beyond time to have a little talk. I'm not sure the talk can save the friendship...if there ever was one.

I read a book. It took me a very long time to read. Often, I dive into a book and don't put it down until I am done, submitting myself, letting it become my reality. I read a book. It took me months to complete, little bits at a time, a page here, a chapter there...never able to allow myself to dive into its reality...but it may have been because it is my reality, every day. Every time I picked up the book, I had to focus on my reality, my life. I was forced to not live as another character in another place and time, fantasizing, but think of my own situation which was often mirrored in the pages of the book. I plan to write more about this experience, when my words aren't so stifled, my mind so scattered. It was a wonderful book, a lovely story, and very true to autism and parenting an autistic child. The thoughts and feelings. Yet it didn't allow me to have those "Calgon, take me away" moments. It was a learning experience in the pages of a novel...fantasy and reality all wrapped up in one. Interesting! Thank you, Tanya.

I have more...much more...but the chicken and dumplings are bubbling just like the words in my head. Ready to spill over onto a clean surface and evaporate into a mess...this is it, this is life.

Ardennen

Our summer family vacation came together in the form of a camping trip to the Belgian Ardennen. It's a beautiful, woodsy area, hilly, and a complete nature-lovers paradise...nature being the key word when we discuss our family adventure. Nature as in outdoors. Nature as in under the cloud-covered, misty, grey, dripping wet skies....for 90% of our vacation. Still, not being one to complain about travels, we had a really good time and lots of fun moments all together as a family. (Such as when Kaeden called the bunkbeds 'Double-Deckers') We didn't take the tents, knowing beforehand that the weather Gods were not with us, but rented a tiny little hut with nothing more than 4 beds to give us shelter from the storm. It did the job...

Share Some Of Our Summer Fun!

A letter in the car

Our vacation to Germany was wonderful. It seems to me to be one of the best vacations we've had. A great combination of exploration and discovery, but in a relaxed and easy manner. The kids really seemed to get along well on this trip, and seeing them laughing and playing together was good for my heart. There were no major meltdowns and no major problems. It was a typical family vacation and rejuvenated all of us. So, from me, there are no complaints.

However, on the way home, Kaeden had a meltdown. I'm not entirely sure from where it stemmed, other than the boys playing a game and rules changed, and then the game was thrown and from there it all went downhill. I asked Erwin to stop the car, and at the following exit we got off and parked in the driveway of a business. Though I wouldn't call this meltdown one of Kaeden's worse, it ended of fun vacation on a negative note. It's something we have learned to accept and anticipate when something changes (vacation is over, back to home and school), but nevertheless, it still comes as a shock, and still hits you with a blow. Here is the letter I wrote in the car, sitting in the backseat with my son, following our meltdown. I call it ours, because it is never just Kaeden involved, but us as a whole, a family with autism.

Just stopped. I am so angry. Had to get off the highway because my two wonderful kids can't stop fighting. And Kaeden can't keep his hands to himself in which Jari screams like a banshee. So, off the highway to change seats and get them away from each other. When am I going to learn? Even if they promise there will be no problems and beg to sit next to each other, don't do it. It is simply asking for trouble.

So, Kaeden flips out and the thing I was most nervous about was being by the busy road. Cars speeding by as he kicks and screams and hits- I was afrais he would run out there in front of a car. And his mouth- I can't stand listening to how he speaks to us, but most especially to Erwin. The names he calls him are so rude and disrespectful. I actually hate the way they speak to each other, neither of them is respectful, but in this case Kaeden was definitely at fault.

As he it the fence with his belt I demanded he forfeit it before getting back in the car. His tantrum continued and when I moved Jari's booster seat to the front seat and saw Jari just standing there on a rock, off to the side, observing the entire situation unfold. His hands clutched in his pockeets just watching. How do I feel? Sad, sad that at 8 years old this is the only life he has known. But even more so, sad that being this is the only life he's known he still hasn't figured out how to help prevent these scenarios. I don't blame him, not at all, but I can't understand why when he sees such an ocassion arising, he doesn't know enough to stop.

It's often, though not always, clear that Kaeden is ready to explode. Erwin also has difficulty with this, though in his case it is more that he believes Kaeden must obey and must succumb to the rules. I just don't know. For me, I'd rather enforce only when it's something important and forego the fights and meltdowns and the ensuing feeling of sadness and hurt which remains in my heart long after the tantrum has subsided. None of us is right or wrong, I suppose, as we all must do what we have to do to live with autism. In general, though, Kaeden is most calm with me. There are many factors that contribute to that. All I know is that autism is the culprit, and because autism is a part of who Kaeden is, he gets the blame. Should he? I'm not sure- sometimes yes, sometimes no- but even with autism he has to learn to live in the world according to the rules society sets forth. Or we as parents set forth. Or teachers set forth.

Kaeden seems somewhat more controlled when he has a meltdown compared to a couple of years ago, but they still happen, and when he is stilled, calm, and happy again 20 minutes later. my heart is still beating double time, my blood still pulsing hotly through my veins, the 20 minutes a lifetime, a mixture of fear, anger and pain, added to the guilt I feel that all my entire family must go through, each of us in our own way, as a result of autism.

Erwin let me handle things during this episode-he let me take care of business and get Kaeden calmed down so we could go, and for that I am grateful. As we continue on our way Jari is role-playing with his stuffed bear, Erwin driving us home, Kaeden watching a movie as he points out a hot air balloon he sees in the blue, sunny sky above us---and I? I just have tears hiding behind my eyes, knowing this won't be the last time, certainly wasn't the first time, and I once again curse autism as we head towards home, our family, vacation nearly ending, once again autism ending it in the way which is so typical, in the manner of which we have all become accustomed, a change on the horizon upon which autism cannot bear, but must. Life goes on----

And that is my take on our last autistic meltdown. And even so, it was a truly wonderful family vacation, one I will treasure forever, remembering my boys chasing around the playground, their laughter filling the silent air.

Vacation Learnings

Erwin and I returned home from vacation last night. The non-stop cuddles I received were welcome with open arms. My baby missed his mama and it felt so good to have him in my arms again. Now I can await Friday to see my other little love again. Our vacation was a wonderful getaway and a much deserved break for us as a couple. There are many things I learned on vacation, and I'm going to try to break it down.

• My parents, wherever they are, feel like home. Having them around me makes me feel complete. On this visit, I didn't feel like a little girl, but an adult sharing my life with them. Maybe that comes from not going 'home' to my childhood home, but it felt good to be with them as the woman I am. However, being closed up in their arms was like a little piece of heaven and I am so thankful to have them in my life.



• American teenagers are a different breed. We went to eat at Taco Bell one night and the kids hanging out spilled into the parking lot and the restaurant, their clothing in shambles, and their rudeness extreme. There needs to be someplace these kids can go, other than a rundown aprking lot in some hooker town.



• I discovered a side of my husband that I don't like. He can be very selfish and arrogant, and I was embarrassed when each of my family members asked me if he was okay. His attitude put a definite damper on my happiness being encircled by family. I have learned that Erwin in a crowd of Americans (maybe just after jetlag, but I'm not sure about that) is not the place to be with him if I want to smile and laugh. I need to learn not to let his attitude affect me so much, but allow myself the comfort I feel being surrounded by family. He needs to learn that I accept our life in Europe and he could be more accepting of my needs when in America.



• I discovered that when Erwin and I are alone together, we make a very happy, content couple. We talked and laughed and touched and smiled. It was something we really needed to regain some passion in our marriage, and I think that our trip accomplished this. Being alone forces us to acknowledge the things we love about each other. I have much to love in my husband. And I am grateful for him in my life.



• I realize how much European culture has become a part of me. I missed the ease of life I have here, as well as the after dinner coffee.



• I like warmth. The sunny, blue skies did wonders for my spirit. The deep blue made me sing with happiness.



• I love the adrenaline rush of the city, but it gets on my nerves very quickly. The crowds of people and the noise start making me crazy after a very short time. All I need to feel replensihed is a day out in nature. Where we were in nature didn't matter, but it gave me a sense of peace and a disbelief in just how big the world is. Mountains, desert, rocks, sand, trees, cactus, animals...all of that is the true me.



• No matter how long I have been apart from family, when we gather together it feels like the comfort of home. Having my family members close, being able to share jokes at the spur of a moment without thinking about how to say it, having history with these people, and being surrounded by love is something I truly treasure.



• I am frugal. I was astonished by the high prices of food and goods in the American stores. I couldn't bring myself to buy some things because the cost was too high. I also realized how little I need in the way of American products. I used to have bags full of foods and supplies when I returned home from Europe, but this time it was mostly just a few treats and not really things I 'needed'. It felt good to know my life in Europe has become routine and normal and complete without American supplies. I feel as if for the first time I am completely integrated, and can enjoy those little treats from 'home' when I am there, without needing them to exist here.



• Weddings in Vegas are big business. My primary goal on this trip was to see my friend get married. I did. I also witnessed 7 other marriages in an hour. A quick (yes very quick...they get you in and out) Vegas wedding can be anything. Tammy and Richard married in a pink Cadillac with Elvis singing to them, dressed in 50's garb. It was cute. But I missed a bit of the romance and reality of what a wedding is. I guess I enjoyed the variety, but feel the specialness of the event was stripped away. It wasn't what I would have wanted for myself, but it got them married and they were happy, so who am I to judge?



• Nascar doesn't rock my boat. It was fun to see something new and I enjoyed the excitement of all the die-hard fans, but I wouldn't want to do it often. I love car races. But I like other races much more than Nascar!



• I was disappointed in the patriotism of Americans during the presentation of the flag and the American Anthem during the hockey game. There were rude comments being shouted and few people placed their hand over their heart. I was touched by this event. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the deep love for my country and what it all means: land of the free, home of the brave...In America with the flag shining. I am glad this is something I value.



• My kids are just fine when I am away, but they miss their mama. My in-laws took good care of Jari and our home, and my friends took good care of Kaeden in my absence. However, Jari wouldn't leave my side upon my return, and he was happy I was home. It feels good to be needed. Oma said that's what she realized being in my home. That she was needed, and it felt good. That's what being a mother and wife and homemaker is all about, and that is my job. I am glad I do my job well.



• I had a mini-breakdown when it was time to leave America. I was cranky and upset and didn't know why, but as I drank my morning coffee in a little coffe shop, tears spilled down my cheeks and I started to sob. I truly miss my homeland, and it hurts to say goodbye. Somehow, I am more free to be myself when I am in America. As much as Europe has become my home, nothing can ever replace the American girl that makes up who I am. I was born an American, and I am proud to be an American.

There is so much more I learned on this trip. However, I can't put it all into words. These are just a few of the points I recognized. I am glad to be back in my home, where I will cook a real meal tonight in my own kitchen and fold my laundry fresh from my dryer. It was nice to wake up to a sunny morning and go out and feed my animals. I am home. And home is where you hang your hat. Home is what you make of it. I am caught between two homes, but I fit well into both. I realize that I adjust well. I am thankful I am who I am. I am thankful I have two places I can hang my hat and feel that comfortable feeling of home.

And I am glad I have this

AND this to come home to.

Tomorrow

It has finally arrived after months of waiting...and it will surely be over all too soon. But for now, I am excited! My first trip to America with just my husband by my side. A chance to visit my family, witness my best friend's marriage, and spend coutless hours sharing warmer weather with my husband, hopefully exploring even more of Nevada...and maybe winning a few dollars pocket money at the slots too. It has finally arrived....it has been long awaited! Yeah! I'll be back with stories to tell....

Kasteeltuinen Arcen

We spent the day in a winter wonderland yesterday. It was beautiful! Fresh snow lined everything and though it was cold (-6C) we braved the temperatures in hats, mittens, and thermal pants and spent the day in Kasteel Tuinen Arcen (Castle Gardens). We were there for the last day of the winter wonderland, where there were fires burning through the park to roast you toes toasty warm, and in the evening we were awarded with a light spectacle which was really beautiful. I am so glad we braved the boys' fighting in the car and didn't let it stop us from getting to our destination. It was so worth it, spending the day watching the kids run crazy through the park, covered in snow!

The guys even managed to get on skis and take a little ski route through the park. It was both Kaeden and Jari's first time on skis and they thought it was magnificent. Jari got scared a few times when his skis got crisscrossed together, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the kid I picked up out of the snow with her one foot forward, the other backward and unable to get herself straightened out enough to stand. We ended our skiing expedition with hot chocolate and coffee along with sandwiches I brought with us. It was nice sitting by the open hearth and getting warmed up.

We watched a small play of Scrooge which with just four actors they did really well. It was a fun reminder to care for others and the boys were pretty mesmerized with the ghosts, and pleasantly surprised when Scrooge threw candy for them to collect at the end.

The park takes you on a journey of different styles of gardens. There was a bamboo forest, Japanese gardens, rock gardens, water gardens, rose gardens, etc. We have been there before, when it was in full bloom, and though the winter gardens were glorious covered in snow, I think without the snow the gardens themselves are much more fantastic to see during the spring or summer when everything is in bloom. However, we timed it just right and were awarded with a wonderful end to our winter vacation, in which we all enjoyed playing outdoors in the snow.

It's a place in Holland that offers some really nice photo opportunities. The snow added to the magic, and with all the fires burning, candles lighting the pathways, and a Christmas light show, it was well worth the extra driving time on snow-covered roads.

Comfort Zone

Yesterday was the last day of 2009. Happy 2010! The first day of a new year, new expectations, new adventures. However, on the very last day of 2009, I also took the challenge of going out of my comfort zone and making an adventure with my boys. We wanted to visit the Winter Wonderland in Holland, but without a vehicle and 50 kilometers between us and the fair, I had to arrive at an alternate plan. Which I did!

I don't mind using public transport. It gets you where you need to go, even if the timing is sometimes an issue. However, whenever I go someplace new, I get so nervous. I worry I'll be stranded and never be able to find my way home. I worry I won't be able to understand the time charts, the correct stop, or even get on a wrong bus or train and be headed to neverland.

Yesterday, with detailed printouts of times and maps, I took the boys on a bus to Holland. The trip was 1 1/2 hours and took us into the center of the city we wanted to be. The price was more reasonable than if we had driven. And, though we had to stand for a portion of our return trip, the majority of the trip was smooth sailing.

I stepped out of my comfort zone. And in doing so and arriving back home I felt so proud of myself. I now have another route in which I can provide myself a little getaway. We visited the Winter Wonderland, played games, rode on rides, drank hot chocolate and ate bratwurst from the fire. We had a fun day, and the boys were wonderfully behaved. When we had to find our busstop home, I got the same feelings of dread in the pit of my stomach, but allowing ourselves time to find it was our savior. We walked a few wrong turns, and then passed by our stop, but after consulting my map again, I realized our error and headed back where we caught our bus.

Kaeden was a big help. I was amazed at how well he could read the time charts and knew which busses took us where. Without my telling him, he looked at the chart and told me what time our bus would arrive and on which bus we needed to go. He needed reassurance he was correct, but I told him I was very proud of him for knowing this. It gave me extra reassurance that when I send him off on the bus, he'll be ble to reach his destination even if he comes across scheduling conflicts or other problems.

So, a good way to end the year...on a new adventure filled with fun. I think 2010 will be a year of trying out new challenges to bring a bit more excitement to my limited region. The bus will get me there!

Asking For Some Ideas

Hello, hello! It's nearly Christmastime if you haven't noticed. There are pretty lights twinkling all around, people shopping for gifts in stores with long lines, windows of homes present a pretty package with a Christmas tree shining through. I think we are about ready. If I buy another gift, well, our tree will too too full upon Santa's visit. Our tree is decorated and the house is less so than other years, but still has a few twinges of Christmas. We're getting cards in the mail and I need to get cards addressed and sent. We need to bake some goodies, and we need to visit a Christmas market so we can find Santa Claus and tell him what we're hoping for. Jari's letter to Santa is already made and his wish list includes a Nederland voetbal...hmmm, hope any ole voetbal will do. Kaeden has asked when we can go shopping so he can buy everyone a gift. It seems to be coming together nicely.

But, there is one little thing I'm worrying about. Christmas vacation! That means 17 days with both boys in the house with cold weather and a closed for the holidays swimming pool. Of the 17 days, 11 of them will be me and my boys, alone. So, I'm getting nervous, because, well, I need some ideas of things we can do to stay sane and keep out of each other's hair to minimalize the fighting so we can all remain happy. I know all the normal stuff...games, baking, a few little crafts, outdoors for a bit. But, I'm asking YOU to give me your best vacation idea to keep my guys entertained. Have a tried and true activity your kids love? Have a treasured tradition we could maybe begin?

We are ALL used to Kaeden living at school during the week, and Kaeden himself is getting uptight about his long stretch at home. Which makes me worry about it too. It's not easy. So, I really would like some ideas. Please!

***Tanya, I'm thinking vacation would be a good time to get those t-shirts for The Tie-Dye Project done. I haven't been able to focus on it with my injuries, but given the time we have, it could be a great activity for us to do. So, be on the lookout for our results.***

BigHugeLabs: Do fun stuff with your photos

Here's a link to a photo journey of our Fall Break in Holland and Germany. We had a terrific week. Too bad it always seems to go so fast...

BigHugeLabs: Do fun stuff with your photos

Holland

The flat land is calling our names. I'm hoping it will have healing powers and remove this demon beast living inside my head and lungs and allow me to enjoy a break from reality too. We'll see you back on the other side when we return from a break among colorful and dancing leaves, hopefully 100% healthy again?

flight change

thursday we were in ready mode. kaeden was heading to the airport for his arrival home on friday. i was so happy i'd have my little boy back with me, though i was a bit leary about how i was going to manage it all with just one arm and a lot of pain and tiredness. still, after not having seen my son for a month, i was more than ready for one of his tight squeezes...especially after realizing how quickly life changes and how very grateful i am to be here to receive another hug.

the phone rang. it was my parents. "tera, what would you say if we just kept kaeden another month?" they nonchalantly asked. it threw me for a grinding loop. it was so unexpected and i was completely baffled. "well, he has a bunch of appointments in the comin weeks," i answered. "and you don't have enough meds for him for another month. and i don't think we can change his ticket. and..." and, i wanted to say, i miss my son. i want him back home. but i didn't get the real reason for my hesitation out before:

"tera, we think it would be easier for you to heal if he stays with us. he's having a good time, we love having him, and he hasn't been any trouble at all. it's so important for you to not do anything if you want to recover. this would just make it easier." my parents chimed in.

and as i thought about everything that could help me right now, i came to the conclusion that they are right. there can be no fights to break up, no extra laundry to oversee, no extra kaeden messes to clean up. but, it was all so quick and unexpected. they were already half-way to the airport. "can i talk to kaeden a minute?" i asked.

"hi mama." i heard my heart twitter a bit. "hey riley, so, what do you think about staying with gramma and grampa for a little longer?"

"I think I am gonna stay here for you mama. so you can get all better. it will just be so much easier if i stay in america," he answered. his adult-like tone and answer was obvious he'd been eavesdropping on adult conversations. but, it made me feel confident that he was happy with this proposition. "And, " he added "I'm having fun here." that sounds more like my kid, i thought!

so, as i talked to erwin my parents called the airline asking about change fees and ticket surcharges. after i spoke to erwin, i called them back. "Well, if you're sure..." I wavered. "I think it would probably help me out more than anything else you could do." and that's when i heard my mom cancel my son's flight from her cell phone. with a sigh, i told them "thank you."

so, my son is off to play with the deer and antelope in the great wyoming wilderness for just a little longer. he's happy, my parents are happy, and i'm getting used to the idea. seriously, it is a big help. that hug will have even more meaning when i get it another month down the road.

in pieces

i guess the time has come for a little pity party. i feel like crying big ole goober sobs to get it all out, but only those few little tears fall from time to time. and in one breath i feel so grateful, knowing i escaped death and made it out alive, while in my next breath i feel so shamed and irritated that this happened to me. it feels a bit like i won the lottery, but they're holding my winnings hostage and don't know when they'll be released.

today i went to the specialist. what he said scared me. numerous times, over and over again, he repeated what a major deal my injuries are, and how very careful i have to be if i ever want use of my left hand again. he didn't sugar-coat anything; flat out said: you have suffered a very major injury. when told i'd had 4 liters of blood transfused, he looked away and winced. when he deciphered the czech paperwork and realized the extent of my injuries, it was no more fun and games. he had me frightened for my future. minimal two years recovery, and 6 weeks of absolute nothingness if i ever want to recover. i managed to sever the most important nerves in my hand, along with the artery which has now only 1/2 use due to them directing it through another vein, and all those tendons that need to heal to help me have use of my fingers.

i was taken to genk to have a brace made. a brace which will limit my movement, yet give me more security. i was plastered up and can pick up my new brace saturday. the guy told me the pain can remain for the duration of my recovery. i was also told that my recovery could be from 0-100%. it's not an injury they have any way of knowing the outcome. i feel like a miserable failure, though i did nothing wrong.

my son has seen too much and had to endure too much in the past days. he is fearful of mama, fearful of snoring, fearful of ghosts, fearful of anything and everything. his white face as he ran to get papa to help after finding his mama covered in blood keeps repeating itself in my mind, and i try to understand what that must have felt like to a seven-year-old. at nearly 40, i was scared enough. but seven? he's seen too much, and the world frightens him because of it. all the security i have worked his entire life to create for him has been stripped away. i can only hope time will heal the nightmares he endures.

my in-laws, my omam and opap, have been a world of help to me. i think i would have fallen to pieces if they hadn't been here the last days. i feel so alone, so foolish, so helpless as oma ushers me off to bed to rest, and yet, it is what i need. a little break from the pain, from the drain emotionally this has taken. they have given jari attention and time, taken care of the laundry, and helped with dinner. even more, they have been a source of support as they hold down the fort i can no longer manage alone. they have been through enough medical traumas in life to truly understand how i am feeling, and offer me understanding which i seem to need right now. they have done the dirty work of being my personal assistant, chauffer, housekeeper, cook, and child care providers. how can i ever thank them?

legally, i don't know where we stand. opa is setting those wheels in motion. i want nothing more than the travel organisation to be held responsible for not inspecting the house thoroughly enough. i don't want another family to have this same disaster overcome them during the family time that is supposed to be most relaxing and fun. i don't want someone else to have to feel this insecurity, or this pain. cuz it hurts. emotionally, yes, but physically it doeesn't let up either. and will it end? or is my life doomed to taking pills in order to live? and how can i feel grateful when the ouch sometimes stops me in my tracks and i about faint in a heap of sweat on the floor?

i want to hold my baby in my arms and give him assurance that mommy isn't scary. that i'm just the same, with a funny looking arm. but when i take him in my arms, he doesn't gain assurance. he feels instead discomfort.

what happens when kaeden returns from america on friday? how will i manage both boys home all day with noplace to go and nothing to do? i could barely manage them during the school year when our bikes were an option to escape. and yet, they still have a mommy. so many people have told me how lucky i am to be alive. i'm not sure it is luck. i think god knew my kids needed their mom. i think i have an inner strength which surfaces when it's most needed. i think my husband deserves to have a wife to share a life together. and my parents and brothers deserve to have the daughter and sister they've known the past 38 years.

i am grateful. but i wish the tears would just come and release the pity and fear and then let me move on.

Camping

We returned last night after a long weekend camping during the Pentecost holiday. We all had a really great time, leaving the stress of daily life behind and heading off to explore and play. We took our tents to a farm and pitched them there in the field, and while Erwin and I got busy preparing the grill for dinner, our little sprouts took off to meet all the farm animals, play some soccer, jump on the trampoline, and swim in the pool. It was a perfect location for the boys, safe from traffic and getting lost, all in the confines of a farmyard. The animals were numerous, horses, sheep, goats, kittens, dogs, guinea pigs, rabbits...all of which they could hold and feed and were kid friendly. The pool was a point for Kaeden to relieve his stress, though it was much too cold for me to "just jump in, mama!" Jari enjoyed the soccer field where he played a few matches with other kids, and the dirt that covered their bodies at the end of each day was 'picture perfect'. Theyeven woke early to help the farmer make the rounds and feed the animals, giving Erwin adn I a chance to enjoy a cup of coffee in the sun. There were numerous occasions we both spoke of the terrific location, just an hour from home, yet away from the house. The go-cart didn't see a moment peace the entire duration of our stay.

We went to picnic along the Maas river, riding the ferry across the water. We attended an asparagus festival and all won a little prize, while the boys enjoyed a clown putting on a show. We visited a couple of castles and made the short trek to Germany where we shared an ice cream cone. We attended an open day for milk farmers and played games learning about cows and milk, and then sat in the sun drinking milk and eating pudding just one step from the cows long, sticky tongue.

It was a good weekend, and though the car was full to bursting carrying tents and sleeping bags and swimming gear and a grill and air mattresses and chairs, it was worth every minute, just to escape reality of everyday life, and enjoy our time together as a family. This camping on the farm...we'll be doing it again!

Herfstvakantie

is weer voorbij :-( Yes, our fall vacation is over, but it was so nice getting away from home to relax and do things we don't get to do every day. We had a great time exploring the Gelderland region of Holland. We've gone there numerous times before, but each time is another surprise with new things to see. This year, our vacation started off with a typical Tera entrance...I was playing hide and seek with Jari and sprained my ankle...badly enough that I had to hobble around all week. That was Day One. Day Two? We went to head off to do some sightseeing and our car wouldn't start. We called our travel insurance and they sent a tow truck to jump us. We left the car running all afternoon as we took turns looking at the sights and staying by the car. Day Three? Car started, we headed off on a nice nature walk through the Veluwe with all the fall colors crunching under our feet. Got back to the car...dead again. Called another towing company who got us started and then headed directly to a Nissan garage where we got everything fixed and could really begin enjoying our vacation. Still, it was fun testing out all those new, fresh-smelling cars and imagining which we would choose IF we could have any we wanted.

The rest of our vacation was really terrific. We visited my favorite zoo ever, called Apenheul. It's a zoo completely filled with monkeys of every sort, and they are free range throughout the park and come right up to you. It's a lot of fun. We also went to the train museum which was a huge hit for the kids as it is very interactive, and we went to the water museum which was also an afternoon well spent. We spent an afternoon at the Nederlands Mint where we played all kinds of money games and you can see one picture where I got in trouble trying to take a picture of the money-making process..oops! We also went to an artillary museum which always makes me imagine all those that have been through war. Especially since I have been in Europe, and I see so much evidence of the war even as long as it has been over, it humbles me.

Of course, we celebrated Halloween when the great pumpkin surprised us with treats hidden all through our house the night we got back from the zoo. The kids were totally in their element and couldn't wait for his arrival. And he managed to keep them quite stocked up on treats for an evening viewing of Lord of the Rings!

Here's a link to the pictures if you want to share in our adventures this past week.
http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=lgyy8pf.1vgsio37&Uy=lqr5c2&Ux=0

2 Things:

1. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, our car will be full to bursting at the seams with all of our stuff....because we're heading off on vacation to a Holland destination! We'll be spending a week enjoying the sights and visiting museums and zoos and playing in the colorful autumn forests and relaxing in our little house in the woods...yes, we're off on vacation! Here's our Holland destination: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veluwe

2. We have company coming this afternoon! Yeah! My American aunt is visiting her family (my cousin, her husband, and their 3 kids, one of whom I have not yet met...he's 6 months old) who are stationed in Germany, and they are heading our way to say hello. I always LOVE having company from home, sharing this little piece of Europe I call my home, letting them see rather than have to envision where I now live. So, though the timing wasn't right to really have an adveturous visit (did I mention we're leaving on vacation tomorrow?) I'll still get to see them all and I'm really excited! Plus, now knowing that they are stationed just 4 hours from us, makes the possibility of future visits a reality as well, which, hey, I'm always up for seeing family.

So, those are the two things. I probably won't have internet access where we're headed, so I'll be back in November, surely with lots of stories to tell and pictures to share, and hopefully a renewed spirit, sharing special moments with my little family. Happy Fall!!! Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!