I Know, I Know

but the internet here is SO SLOW!!! I haven't been getting online much, and when i do it is so utterly slow it isn't worth the effort. Still, I thought I had better at least check in.

So, here are a few tidbits of what ahs been happening around here:

• I made it to the doctor today: $200 later and I have a prescription for an ear infection and strep throat. Yuck. It better make me feel better, and I hope my insurance will reimburse me.
• I got to spend the weekend with my best girliefriend and she is still as wonderful as ever. It was so good to catch up and be with her. I really miss her like crazy when we are apart.
• We made it to Frontier Days and the kids had a rip-roarin' good time. They both managed to go through their $20 quick playing those kid-hungry carnival games. But their smiles were worth the pitiful stuffed animals and plastic junk they received.
• It is fun to be home with my mom and dad. My kids are scared of their house, as it is still torn up from the tornado. They won't even go pee without someone coming along. At least we have one room in which we can sleep, but everytime the wind blows, Jari tenses up and clings to mommy, fearful of another tornado. It's truly sad to see your childhood home ripped to pieces as mine is. But, it's still good to be home sweet home.
• The mountains, the millions of stars, the sunsets, the perfect weather, the happy smiling customers that are my friends, the neighbors offering horse rides and the wide, open highways....this is home. I have missed it. But now, I am savoring it. I will savor it until I part it again.
• My brother and his family have been in contact with me and mine. What could be the oddest, most hurtful reunion has gone much better than I had hoped. No, details are not ironed out, nor do I expect them to be during this visit, but I have seen my niece, my nephew, and my children playing, smiling, and laughing together. I have felt my brother hug me tight, and laughed with my sister-in-law. It seems cowardly to just let all the hurt go, but those few moments of feeling a part of their lives again may be all I really do need...it isn't being a coward, it is being a peace-negotiator. For now, that's what I need.
• Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, the sun'll come out tomorrow...CUZ I get to see my husband again after 4 long weeks away. I have, as every time we are apart, come to recognize again all that he means to me, all I seem to take for granted oveer the course of our day to day lives. I can't wait to be reunited with the love of my life, and share this sweet home I am fortunate enough to rediscover. My family, all four of us, sharing the culture, life, and love of my childhood...that piece that will never leave me, that piece that formed me, that little girl who is now woman, still holding onto all of this, yet opening it all up to another complete world.
• I am home. Tomorrow, I will be home and complete. I have perfection at the tip of my fingertips...a perfect summer vacation.

The Witching Hour

Yes, the story is real...the good witch, the bad witch, the witch of the west, the witch of the south...all those witches. Well, here in the Wisconsin farmlands live a few witches. Just ask Jari. And yeah, they're a little scary, but mostly just pretty darn intriguing. Tonight we took a ride to witch Priscilla's house, an old deserted school house down the road. We walked into the dilapidated old building and brave little Jari searched for Priscilla. He wanted to share a cup of eye ball tea with her. Well, we didn't find her, but she found us and captured mommy and threw mommy into the closet. Jari was ready to save mommy and came in search of me when witch Priscilla threw me out from the secret door and we left her house in a hurry. Her long black hair had captured me like a spiderweb.

Well, fast-forward an hour...witch Priscilla (aka Great Aunt Joanne) dressed in her black cape best and pointy witchy hat and ran off into the forest. When we went on a little walk to see the woods, witch Priscilla chanted from among the trees. And scared the living begeebuz out of brave little Jari. The picture of fear was etched on his face as he clung to mommy as I assured him it was Aunt Joanne. As I tried to reassure him that it was okay, just a funny joke, but he was having a difficult time believeing me. He finally ran back through the path into the garden where he ran into Uncle Scott. Witch Priscilla is now a thing of the past....and I hope that the racing fear beating through his heart is now soothed with lots of hugs and cuddles and extra handfuls of candy. He says he is okay...and I believe he is...but never again will I let a witch capture my son in fantastical fear. What was all good fun, ended in disatser...but even so, Jari is still thinking about going back to Witch Priscilla's house and share a cup of eyeball tea with her. The disaster is over and out.

In other news, I watched cat Mystic pounce on a mouse and then eat it up by the front door. It's tail hanging from her mouth she looked up at me...and it just totally grossed me out. Yeah, I grasp the concept of the circle of life, predators and prey, but still...ya know?! And then, when it wa the middle of the night and I was sound asleep on my pillow, I felt something laying next to me. It was the cat, with the mouse tail a vision perpetrating my eyeballs, and I shoved her out of my bed...EWWWWWW!!! I love animals, but just EWWWWW!!!!

So, we're having a grand adventure. Witch Priscilla (aka Great AUnt Joanne) is playing a card game with brave little Jari...trying to make up for our plunder this afternoon. And me, well, I can now laugh as Jari's face is again the face of a peaceful, happy little boy. And that's what really makes a mam's heart smile. (and a Great Aunt Joanne aka Witch Priscilla as well.)

How It Feels

You know what an amazing feeling it is to watch my son run up to his great gramma and encase her in a hug? Or to watch my son swimming in a pool, laughter sparkling across his face as he splashes water at his uncle? Or to wake up in the morning and hear the words "Where is my hug from my favorite boy?" asked by a favorite auntie? Or to be able to throw out a joke and roar in laughter as we all sit around a camping site fire pit sharing beer, happiness, and comforts of family? Or to drive up to the beach and watch a cousin wave as they see you pull up after years between visits?

This has been an amazing journey for me. I watch slightly from afar, as if my body and mind are on two separate planets. The level of comfort I feel here, sharing this time with my family, has given me something more than words can begin to explain. It isn't about all the fun stuff we've been enjoying, but more in the fact that we're able to share these special times. I am able to crack a joke and laugh on the spur of a moment. I don't have to think to speak and be understood, but it's an easy natural-ness that clings to me from within. And then reaches outward where I am able to be completely me...sometimes serious, sometimes sassy, sometimes just silly. It is so easy, so freeing, so spectacular!

My boys are so completely at ease. Even my little shy boy has been enveloped in acceptance and love, and he is coming into his own in this somewhat foreign place. But love knows no boundaries and he is completely encased in love, by all of these people that share their place in my family. Kaeden has had not a single episode since our arrival, as he basks in the support of these people that accept him for all he is, without judgement, without desire for him to be something he is not. Both my children are in their element, being a bit spoiled, but in return learning to show manners in the English language which they seem so completely familiar with all these thousands of miles away from their home and beds and toys. This all amazes me as I watch from my other planet within myself.

I am home. And yet, it is no longer home. What makes this place home is the comfort, support, and acceptance of the people I love, and return the love I give. This journey, thus far, has far exceded my every hope...and all those fears are but a memory in the distance. I am home. I am loved. And I am completely and truly and freely me.