just stuff

I've started so many posts over the past few weeks, but it seems every time my thoughts are interrupted by a phone call. And once I get past the call, my thoughts are shattered into a million pieces and I can't finish what I started with clarity. So, here I am, again today, trying to find words for all that's been happening around here. I'm going to do a few quick bits, hoping the phone won't ring as I write.

• We spent Sunday in the woods. Walking, playing, letting the sun warm us as we trudged through the fallen leaves of autumn. It was such a pleasure, our little walk in the woods. We found a polecat in the woods, hiding in his little hole, but willing to wow us with his adorable face, getting close enough to touch. The boys were in awe. We ran races, played with sticks, collected corn cobs for our Thanksgiving feast. And then, as we left, we turned our car into a farm and found our pumpkins to help us revel in the spirit of Halloween. We came home and immediately set to work carving our pumpkins. It couldn't await a day closer to the holiday itself. Little pleasures to end a wonderful day.
• Jari and I attended an autism traesure hunt for brothers and sisters of kids with autism. It was set up in stations: gym activities with a survival course, music therapy with drums and maracas and guitars and tambourines, storytime with explanations of what autism is, how it feels, and how it affects people around us, and a video created by brothers and sisters explaining how autism has affected them. Jari collected puzzle pieces at each station during our afternoon and at the end of the treasure hunt he had 5 puzzles to bring home, all giving a kid-sized explanation of what autism means. It was a very well constructed exhibition for kids and I think Jari came away with at least an understanding that there are more people out there with autism, more kids who aren't autistic themselves, but still live in an autistic world.
• I continue to go to therapy 2 days a week for my hand. Everyone but me thinks there is improvement. All I know is I don't see myself progressing at the rate I desire. I still ahve no feeling, still can't make it work properly, still can't stand that my hand doesn't look like a hand. However, I keep working it, hoping that eventually I'll have some use again. Will be able to function if only to put my hair in a ponytail, open a bag of cereal without my teeth, fold clothes without pain shooting through my arm. Yesterday as I waited for my appointment with the surgeon, I looked around me at the people in the waiting room, the majority of whom were elderly. And I looked at their limbs, all still intact, and I thought: What will I be like when I am 70? Will I be able to twist my hands together like that lady? Will I be able to hold a magazine like that man? Will I be able to pull open my zipper like she just did? Or will I forever and always be a handicapped version of the former me?
• Our fight has begun with the Belgium government for funding for Kaeden. Our visit with the doctor did not result in a positive outcome and we've appealed the decision. I am tied up in nerves strung tight. Financial issues are starting to feel at the brink of swallowing me whole. And what happens now? What happens when Kaeden is an adult and we haven't been able to secure his future for him now?
• There is a case beginning for damages against the owners of the house where our vacation led to my accident. This also has me strung in knots. I am worried. I have to somehow prove I was not at fault for the accident, that they were negligent. How can I prove it? Why would this have happened if there was no negligence? I am tired of paying all the bills, all the extra bills that we didn't have before this happened. My husband can only make so much. And now, becuase I can't work even if i wanted to, there is no possibility of further money coming into our bank account. I've discovered I really don't like dealing with these kinds of issues.
• Jari has started seeing a therapist to help him get over the shock of my accident. She is such a calming person. Jari seems to really like her. I don't know what she is doing with him, but in the past few days I notice a difference in his attachment to me, a difference in how he regards me. I am feeling like we have a bit of hope to latch onto, my baby needs his mama again. Last night when he actually came and sat next to me on the couch made my heart just sing. I feel a huge relief wash over me as I consider that my son may be working through the effects this accident has had on him. He's going to be okay, we're going to be okay.
• At the soccer game Saturday, I stood up to parents on the other team. They were being harsh, directing comments towards our team players, our coach. I didn't like how far they were taking their aggression. My son was out there on the field. I try to teach him to be a good sport. The other team was working against me. I went to them, told them enough! That these are just kids and they don't have the right to be acting like they were. It got results. I said my piece, walked away, and after a few grumbles I heard no more. I was proud of myself for standing up for something I believe in. For having the guts to prtect my son. It isn't often I feel enough courage to do this in Dutch, and it felt good to finally do what needed to be done...and even get results.
• Further, everything is going quite well in life. My kids seem to be happy, my family content. What more can you ask for in life?