3.14.2010

Explode

I am at the point of nearly exploding. I feel as if I take another breath it's going to be the one that lets the dragon loose. I should leave the house and get some fresh air; remove myself from the danger zone. But I can't do that, fearful what should happen in my absence. I am totally on the edge, ready to jump off that highest bridge. I can't begin to describe how tense and tattered I feel. My muscles ache, my head is pounding, my mouth is dry. Physically I am aching. But even more painful is the fact that my spirit is crushed beyond recognition.

I feel ready to snap. The following word uttered shall be the one that crushes those sweet red cherries into a pulverized dripping mess in my hands. Cherry juice, pulp added...thick and red as blood.

My heart is beating, but feels as if it's boiling, bubbling up with every pump, leaving a fullness in my throat. If I swallow, it'll send the whole mess spilling over. I'm really not sure how much more I can take. This is not what I signed up for when I chose to be a mother and a wife. This is not what I wanted when I envisioned our little family of four. This is not the future my past presented to me, and the future I'm now envisioning won't be including me. The bridge is too close. The bile too burning.

5 comments:

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

I'm sorry to hear about this, Tera. I hope you feel better soon. I'll be thinking of you.

Breigh said...

Sounds like you are having a bit of a rough time. Maybe you need to just take an hour or something to do something that relaxes you.

It also probably has something to do with coming back from holiday. Whenever we come back from somewhere I always end up in a rage over all the things that I was able to avoid / escape while we were away from home. It never fails...

Jen R. (emeraldsunshine.org) said...

I'm sorry, Tera. I wish I knew what I could do for you to make it better. *hugs*

Can I send you anything from the States?

tlawwife said...

Sending good thoughts your way.

V-Grrrl said...

Oh, those moments are black and overwhelming. I hope you got some fresh air, fresh energy, and hope and are able to breathe freely again.