I am not sure I ever knew what jet lag was before. This business is sincerely sucky. I am having the most difficult time ever getting back into the swing of things. I am completely and thoroughly exhausted. I have been to America and back so many times, yet this trip has done me in. I can't sleep at night and feel wholly worn out. I can't focus.
Maybe it comes from worrying about what's to come. I have appointments coming up to decide the future of my hand. All I want is for the tests to show it can be healed. I actually hope the nerve has attached to scar tissue or has stopped growing together due to scar tissue. I want the neurologist to announce: This is how it is and surgery will take care of it.
I'm tired of the pain and the feeling of balloons attached to my body. I don't like looking at the discolored appendages stuck on what used to be my fingers. I hate trying to grasp something and it falling through my fingers. Or actually getting a grasp on something, and pain shooting through as if I'm on fire. Or having to wear gloves with my fingers in one hole to try to keep them somewhat warm so as not to have the pain bring me to tears.
It's strange, how this disbaility I call my hand now looks somewhat normal, but feels worse by the day. I don't want my future to involve a hand that can't function, or pain that can't be relieved. I just want things to be back to normal. I want it to feel how I try to portray it to the rest of the world. As if everything is really okay.
I hope that becomes my reality very soon.