Today I spent the day with my eldest son. I was so happy to have some alone time with just him, as we act and react so differently when it's just him and I compared to when others are around. I just feel so much more natural and at ease when it's just the two of us. Maybe that has to do with our start in life, just him and I together, or maybe it's the complicated relationships that exist in our family that make me feel this way, but when an opportunity arises for it to be him and I, I grab it and hold on for the ride. WE played games, ate popcorn and drank fou-fou drinks he created, and watched movies together. He was a picture perfect example of a picture perfect teenager spending a picture perfect day with his mom (she, however, was not picture perfect. she is going through a major self-hate phase which had better change very soon before deep destruction is done) I sincerely enjoyed my day with my friend and it was very easy and content and free of stress.
Jari started playing on his old soccer team again. In August we agreed to him moving a level higher, as his skill level was advanced and they needed another player in that age bracket. Within weeks we realized we had made a wrong decision, though our decision was based upon Jari's own wishes. He pulled away from soccer, didn't find excitement in practice, and quit talking shop. After school there was no longer a race to see how many penalties he could make before the teachers left, and his soccer skills even started to retreat. On the field, we saw a very different little boy playting a very different game from last year. I finally made an appointment with the youth soccer heads to move my son back to his old level. Happily, since the move a month ago, we are starting to see our son shine once again. He is playing, trying moves, making passes and scoring. He can't wait for practice, and comes home onlyt to run outside and play soccer. It's so nice to see that gleam back in his eye. It's so nice to have that piece of our lives back.
We went to America for Christmas vacation. It was such a wonderful week...really, truly wonderful. Just being in that large-family Christmas mode with everyone here and there and everywhere, all working together and sharing, laughter and smiles and hearing storiesd here there and everywhere. Sharing another Christmas with my grandparents, and most especially my boys having this opportunity is something I do not take for granted. My grampa at 92 and my gramma at 84 years of age, being with them and around them, it makes you appreciate life and health and experience even more. It makes you want to live a happy, fulfilling life. To make the most of what you have. My boys, my husband, and I were all very happy with this vacation, and it will be one I won't forget.
That being said, I am struggling. I am aware of this pattern in myself, a sadness and deep depression that overtakes me after some visits 'home'. Yet, I am unsure how to stop the ache that settles in, the disappointment in myself and my life, the worry with how my dreams are not coming to life. I try to encourage myself every morning, get up and paste on a new day happy face, but it isn't working. I'm not sure how to make it better, but I had better start with something physical. I don't even recognize myself anymore in the mirror, through the sadness in my eyes and the extra skin falling off my face. I want to be happy, for my boys to remember their mom as one filled with pride and smiels and hugs full of love. Not s depressed machine that hates waking up to every morning, the bitterness I have towards my husband for reasons completely beyond his control.
We took a walk in the woods, last weekend and again yesterday. It makes me feel alive, feel air on my face, feel nature and life around me...and see my boys happily running up, down, around, through, over, under...running and being boys and mine all mine. And it makes me feel temporarily like things might be okay, that this is how life is supposed to be...if only I could live life through my photographs, the ones of wind-kissed faces and freedom and energy...I need tyo find the life in my photos, feel what I see, and use it to bring it to life time and time again...live the memories to make even more.