Losing My Cool

Today started out in a bit of a fashion...a fashion that's gone out of style and I'm not really happy to be wearing. Kaeden was being his normal morning self (not exactly easy, happy, or cooperative), and Erwin got mad...and when I defended Kaeden (it really wasn't his fault, but mine) Erwin accused me of taking the blame for something he did again. Well, maybe I do that at times, but in this case, it was relevant. In any case, as I finished packing Erwin's lunch, I suddenly got the urge to put on those out of style jeans and smashed his sandwiches as I threw them against the wall. It had nothing to do with him, nothing to do with Kaed, but all to do with me and my lack of control. I get that way at times...and after looking back I understand the cause of my tantrum. I was stressed out! I was trying to get all the little gift bags packaged into Merry Christmas form before the bus came honking and Erwin took off for work, and this simple addition to the normal morning stress was too much to handle...I lost it, once again throwing my fury towards my husband...the one person I know can handle my irrational outbursts...he continues to stand by my side and give me his love and support, whatever I may throw his way...even if it is smashed sandwiches for the day.

Anyway, these little outbursts I have are enough to throw my entire day off balance, put me in a sullen mood, and cause me to have minor crying fits throughout the entire day, wondering why, when I have so much to be greatful for, one little something can throw me totally over the edge. I never feel good about that person I become, and guilt wreaks havok on my body and spirit. And I wonder if I am deserving of all the goodness that I have been blessed with in my life.

So, to try to create some order to my soul, I decided to take a minute to remember all that I am thankful for...here's just a sampling of a few of those "little things":

I am able to be a stay at home mom, nourishing my children with the security of having a parent always at their beckoning call. As much as I'd like to work parttime, I know that for my children, being home and taking care of them is the most important job I could be doing. They never have to worry about where they are supposed to be or who will be caring for them, because mama is always there to kiss a bruised knee, listen to a story, turn on a movie, prepare a meal, find a clean pair of undies, and just be present...and I am fulfilled by being a mom home with her children.

I have a husband that is not demanding of me. If things in the house are not done, if clothes are not ironed or dishes not washed, I don't have to worry about hearing him nag me. He accepts me for who I am, is always available to listen to my stories, helps me get the kids to bed at night, and does anything I ask of him within reason. He is a wonderful husband, a loving dad, and a partner in life I wouldn't want to be without. He also allows me to have time alone and is always aware of my activities and never gives me reason I can't do the things I want and enjoy. He is supportive of me.

I have a home which provides me with warm shelter, food is always abundant on the table, clothing which fits for all occasions...all those simple needs that one has in life. We live a comfortable life and afford many luxuries that offer us a well-balanced lifestyle. We don't want for much, our bills are always paid, and we don't have the nagging financial worries always hanging over our heads. That's not to say we are rich by any means, we live check to check like the majority of people, but we do so in a manner that fulfills us and provides plenty of little extras to give us a complete, well-rounded life.

The phone and internet keeps me in touch with family and friends. Without the luxury of good calling ratesI'd be so lost in life. I have a definite desire to speak to my mom and can afford to do so at least a couple times each week. I don't have to worry that we'll go broke if we want to share time laughing. And the internet allows me that same luxury with other family members, some of whom I am just learning to know again. It's wonderful knowing there are so many people out there that care, that wonder how I am, and keep in touch.

Friendship. I have friends, old and new. I have always been a bit hard to get to know as I shy away from getting too close to people, but I have made some very good friends in my life that provide me with everything I need. I hope that I do the same for them. Friends really add a lot to life, giving you support and love and the gift of understanding. They are fun to laugh with and carry on with, knowing they'll be there for you no matter what.

For the gift of my voice. I never knew that singing would bring me such a sense of release, but it does. When I sing I can throw out all the frustrations of life through song, give my lungs a good workout, and do it in the form of something beautiful. I am grateful that I have the choir to give me something of my own in which I can be among people all sharing a common interest.

My boys. They give me just about everything one can imagine. It's not all good, but it does show that I have a wonderful range of emotion!!! Mostly though, when i look at my kids, I have a feeling of awe. I just can't believe that I helped in the creation of something so beautiful, that I was given such a gift to protect and guide, that I was entrusted to care for them and give them my love. They are such amazing little people with such differing personalities. They bring me that star at the end of the day and that sunshine every morning. They are my life and I never would ahve guessed what a great sense of accomplishment these little people create within me. My little bug and my Riley boy, they bring me hope, happiness, and love.

My fishies. It may sound crazy, but I love to watch them swim, feed them, clean their tank, to talk to them and watch as they come to the top knowing I am going to provide for them. I could watch them for hours, just wondering about their lives. I really get fulfillment from my fish, and though I'd like another pet, they do give me satisfaction.

There is so much more, but I am already feeling more free...and on top of that, my littlest love just came in from outside and asked that I play memory with him. And I want to go play, give him my complete attention, let him know he is worthy of my time. So, for now, I will go change out of those outdated pants and step into something more comfortable, something a bit more stylish, and feel good about me and my life.