A Sad Boy

I heard crying coming from his room. It was most unexpected, as he'd been dancing and singing all evening to songs on his CD player. I had just tucked him in, we'd laughed at a story, I sang a song and then he decided he wanted to listen to more music. When I gave him a kiss and told him to have sweet dreams, I had no idea of the sadness that was trapped inside his soul...and I didn't know it until I heard the sobbing coming from behind his closed door as I put away the laundry.

I quietly walked to his door and listened. I heard him talking to himself, crying about all the friends he was going to miss, about how nobody cares what he thinks. It broke my heart, that he couldn't talk to me sooner, that he thought that I didn't care...I do care, with every breath of my being, I care. So I entered his room and asked him why he was so sad.

Well, he has to move into a new classroom with the return to school after Christmas break. Every time we have discussed this, he's sounded excited about it and totally okay with the changes...changes for him are difficult, but he was taking it all in stride and seemed even gung ho about having a class with just three children. But not tonight. Tonight, my son, my Kaeden, hit a low, and could think of nothing but the friends he'd leave behind, the teacher that would no longer be his, the new situation a bit too demanding for a child of 11 with autism. He's been in the same calssroom with the same teacher for three years now, and it is a major deal. The class he is in is too trying for his teacher and they decided to split the kids up and make a few changes. Little did they know what pain would come to my lil guy's life. His sobbing just kept increasing as I talked to him about all the advantages to moving into the new class....but nothing mattered other than the fact that he would not see his friends or his teacher on the regular basis that he is so secure with now. Nothing could bring him to freedom, not even mama's kisses, mama's hair rubs, mama's words of wisdom.

As Kaeden asked me to leave him be alone, my own eyes filled with tears. For the first time in his life, he wanted me to leave him to his misery. "I just need to be by myself right now," are the exact words he used. And as I realized that there was no more I could do other than let him work through this pain alone, I kissed him goodnight and assured him I would be there if he needed me, all he needed to do was call. As I closed his door, he asked me to come back in a little while and check on him...my one consolation that he still needs me to help him heal this wound.

My son, I wish you peace in your new adventure. I promise you that everything will be okay...you have conquered so much already, you can conquer this too. Be strong, my boy...and I am here for you, whenever you decide you need me. And Kaeden, I love you more than all the stars in the sky...