A Good Feeling

I've often wrote about the troublesome issue that haunts me day and night. This is the relationship between my husband and first-born which tugs at my heart as I know they care about each other, but have a hard time showing that to each other. The struggle I have trying to help them bond and be positive towards each other is one which drives me to craziness some days. There's really nothing I can do about it, but I keep trying in hopes that they can both find happiness together, and in turn, I can break free from the pain that drives a knife through my heart on a daily basis. I don't think anyone knows how much it hurts me, how much sadness and anger I have inside, knowing their relationship is not what it should or could be. Some days I work myself into a frenzy worrying about what their relationship is doing to them, to our family, and lastly, to me. And then along comes a good moment, just one little glimpse into the true nature of their hearts, something that makes every slice of that knife from the past 7 years disappear, every bit of pain and anger and grief dissipate into thin air. Yesterday, I experienced one of those moments, and today, yet again, a complete happiness enveloped me, agve me hope, gave me security and trust and freedom. Just one simple experience to grant me my every wish come true.

We attended Kaeden's parent teacher conferences last night. It was the first time we've met his teachers, and it was an interesting conversation. The best part of the night was hearing that Kaeden is doing well in the class, he's the class helper with the younger kids, and both his teachers feel blessed to have them in his class. The not so good news was that he does not know how to interact with other kids, he gets angry in the blink of an eye, and that he can't seem to stay on task without being continually watched. All in all, nothing we don't already know about him and continue to work on. They classed him as a very typical autistic child...his main issue comes in the form of not being able to share his emotions and turning into a time-bomb in place of verbalizing them.

But the moment that brought me so much peace came in the form of Erwin defending our son. When he spoke to the teachers, it was mind-boggling for me to hear him telling them about our son, all the good things and he can do, the positive things about him, and even admitting that Kaeden does not know what he is doing when he is in the midst of one of his tantrums. Hearing Erwin speak to the teachers, all the love and care I know he hides inside for our child was washed ashore, and I heard him put Kaeden on a pedestal I didn't know existed in his mind. I was confused, but filled with glee and peace and contentment. It was as if a light went on in my mind, promising me of a better tomorrow, giving me hope for them as a team. I was ecstatic!

On the way home, I questioned him about this, and he down-played it a bit, again hiding his positive emotions behind the cloud of autism that always hangs above our family...and yet, what I had seen and heard had broken free, and I felt some of the stress and exhaustion relese from my shoulders and heart. To complete this story, came yet another moment this morning that gave me even more hope and even more freedom and relief. Kaeden went to his Papa, wrapped his arms around him, asked for a hug from "the best papa in the world", yes his very own words. I heard Kaeden cooing as Erwin encompassed him in this hug and rubbed his back, Kaeden's arms tightly latched around his papa in a tight squeeze. It was just a fleeting moment, but every inch of me was taut with peace and happiness, scared to look their way as I wanted the moment to last forever. I felt so utterly complete, and I hope that the same feeling encompassed both of them.

I don't expect their relationship to suddenly take a complete turn for the better, but in these past two days an awareness of what hides within each of them has been released, and a mother and wife can once again dare to hope.