Feeling Incomplete

Today gave me another blow, one I wasn't prepared for and just threw another knot in my book of life...a tight one that feels like it's going to be stuck for a good long while. I remember the feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant...I was scared, wondering how in the world I was going to take care of a baby, all the while on cloud nine thinking of names and picking out little clothes and getting excited about what kind of life I could offer my child. When he was born and Kaeden was placed in my arms, all I felt was love and pride and wonder. This perfect little baby boy was the most beautiful creation I had ever seen. He stole my heart from the onset, and that love and commitment to him has only grown stronger with each day that passes. I had so many dreams for him from before he was even born, wondering who he would become, what he would do with his life...and as time wore on and I realized that my son, my perfect baby boy, had problems, those dreams started slowly changing. Today I got this big blow that just crushed my spirit...made me lose sight of every goal I ever had for him.

We requested that Kaeden be retested for his IQ, as his original score was extremely low. I got the results back this morning with no marked improvement. He still tested at a total IQ of 69, mentally handicapped. When I saw teh results staring me back in the face, I completely lost it. It was as if I was hanging all his success in life on this stupid number. When the counselor looked at my face in shocked horror with my eyes filled with tears, she remarked "You weren't expecting that, were you?" Of course I wasn't expecting that. I had dreams of my baby boy growing up and going to school, getting a successful job, having a family and home, giving me beautiful grandchildren. How could I explain that seeing those numbers just took all those dreams and shredded them into a million pieces? All I could see before my eyes was my 40 year old son sitting in his pyjamas in my kitchen demanding his breakfast. Not my dream for his life....or mine.

As we went over the results of the test, I disputed nearly all the points, trying to prove my son's brilliance to her. She finally told me that even if the test was a bit biased, it's the test they have used for years with success and that the average IQ is 100. My son is expected (on average) to reach the mental capacity of a 3rd grader...a kid of 9 years old...one of those kids in my classroom that I taught and thought how much more they had to learn in life. I wanted to scream at her that she is wrong, that my son can add numbers faster than me in his head, that he can give change better than one of my mom's college workers, that he can buy my groceries and know how much change he will get back. I wanted her to see what possibilities my son has, that my dreams can come true, and that he is NOT that number 69 on that sheet of paper.

As we talked further about his schooling possibilities I knew that my measure of success for him had to change. I will still do all in my power to push him to succeed, to challenge him to the end, to make him be his very best....but his very best is going to almost surely be less than that moment I first held him in my arms and his life danced before my eyes. Luckily, he has already given me more love and happiness than I had ever imagined was possible at that very same moment. My dreams for him are still big...and they will reamin so, and I will be proud no matter how that 69 plays into our lives. Go for it, Kiddo! And I will be behind you 110%, sharing in your success and your happiness....whatever that plays out to be.