Sadness

Some days are just filled with sadness. Yesterday was one of those days for me and I climbed into bed early with a throbbing headache that just wouldn't go away. I was so relieved when my husband finally got home last night, and I just went to him and let the tears fall down my cheeks and into wet patches on his shoulder. I felt so much relief having him there to hug me tight and give me his strength as I fell to pieces.

It was an emotional rollercoaster day for me. First, I discovered that my friend Amanda is in the hospital with blood clots in her lungs. She had surgery last week and came through it fine, but after having shortness of breath and a feeling of general unhealth, she went to the hspital and was immediately booked in for a stay...probably a week long one. I tried to contact her all day, but could not get through no matter what I did. I felt so helpless and just wanted to hear her voice and know she was okay. Luckily, another friend finally got through to her husband, who told the story and let us know what is happening with her. I wanted to go visit her last night, but I couldn't with all the differing juggling acts that makes up my life. So, we're going this afternoon and bringing her chocolate and English books at her request! I'll feel so much better after seeing her with my own eyes and knowing she knows that I care about her.

Then came the firewood. The guy called me at 3:10 to tell me he'd be here at 4ishI had no money to pay him and had to bike to town to the bank before I picked Jari up from school at 3:30. I didn't think I could make it. Normally it's about 12 minutes into town, 12 minutes back and I had 20 to complete the task. I have never ridden so fast, and could feel the air from my lungs, inhale, exhale, as my heart beat double time. I made it home with time to spare, the money in my wallet. The guy brought the wood. It was filled with emotion for me. My dad is a logger, and it brought back all those feelings I had as a little girl, helping load and stack wood. The guy came with a trailer and hoisted it up by hand, dumping the wood into our driveway. That's how we used to do it too, when my dad was first starting his business, kids by his side with gloves ready to help unload. The guy ahd his son with him, who proudly helped his dad, and his dad praised him each step of the way. I loved seeing their jolly-ness and teh great balance they had between each other. When I asked the kid if he liked being Papa's helper, his eyes lit up as he answered a definite Yes. It reminded me of being with my dad in the woods all those years ago, and I missed my dad a whole lot more than I normally do. And it made me wish that his business hadn't expanded to the point it is today, when he has so much stress and too much work...the point at which it's just no longer fun for him, something he used to LOVE to do. Maybe he shoudl go back to the days of loading up a trailer and unloading it by hand with satisfaction in one small job well done...but he'd have a lot of disappointed customers and lose a lot of money, of which he owes for all his big machinery to make his life a living hell. Just makes you think...

And then, I called my mom. She is so sad and unhappy and I feel so far away, being unable to offer her the hug and support she so very much needs right now. My brother has moved back into town, and though most people would consider that a good thing, there has been a lot of pain the past years stemming from the relationship between my brother, my dad, my mom, and me. He has pretty much disowned our family. But now that they are back in town, it's causing marital problems between my parents as they struggle to find a balance seeing the grandkids daily from a distance, desperately wanting to be with them, yet not knowing how, or how far they can go. It's tricky business in what should be the most natural of feelings. And it's just plain sad. I hurt for my parents, and then I hurt for myself. I still don't know what I did that caused me to be an ogre in their (my borther and his wife) eyes. I don't know what my parents have done to cause a complete falling out of our family. All families have problems, but they deal with them and set the path straight so that Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthdays can be enjoyed by all, as a complete unit, everyone compromising and coming to a balance to enjoy these special days together. But my family hasn't got that anymore. We are no longer a comlete family. My family has been shredded into bits of me, them, we, mine...and there is no longer an us and ours. And it hurts so deep that the pain is never truly extinguished. It sist there like a huge tumor on your heart, never shrinking but growing bigger as the days pass.

My mom seems so fragile. She tries to hide her pain behind a laugh, but at the end of each laugh come a fury of tears and the echo of annihilation. She is depleted, a shell of sadness and pain of the mother I knew as a child. She feels useless and doesn't even want to go on living. And that scares me to bits. I need my mom. I need her love and support and advice and strength. And she hasn't got nay of that to give any more. And it makes me so angry all over again, every core of my being is flooded with an almost hatred for what my brother has caused our family to become. I don't blame him for every rough patch we've encountered on the way, but I do blame him for what we have become. And as my mother's sadness let loose, my own began to build until the pain in my heart was unable to take any more. I can't be there to make it easier for her, and even if I could, what could I do? I can offer nothing more than my love, my support, my friendship, but that still doesn't put her family back into one piece, the only goal she ever had for her life. It just feels as if the earth is slowly swallowing you up, but won't do it in a quick gulp, but does it slowly, sucking all the air out of your lungs and laughing as you suffer in the quicksand of life.

Sadness. It's a pure raw emotion, and one I have felt enough in my days. I just wish it was easy to swipe away and defeat.