Alien Me

How can it be that I feel so unsure, so uncomfortable in my own skin? Nothing has changed in my world. But I feel so disfigured, so completely tight and knotted in all the wrong places. I want my mind to be free, my body to be healthy, my heart to feel flowing and not so rock hard. I am stuck in a rut in which I question who I am, can't come to terms with what my place in the world is. I feel a weight hefting me down, shoving me deeper into the ground with each step I muster. And, there is no explanation for any of it; none, that I can actually take hold of to cement all the pieces together. I just feel like curling up in a fetal ball and crying until all the tears are spent. Tears for what, I don't even know. I want to be held tightly, arms wrapped around me, protecting me from these thoughts, warming up my entire spirit, until I can once again face the world. I need to feel welcome, to feel wanted, to feel comfortable and secure. I just want to be loved. Loved more passionately and deeply than I am able to love myself right now. To be able to concentrate and to actually accomplish the goals I set out for myself each day, but never manage to achieve as I walk in circles and can't focus on my one foot in front of the other, let alone the rest of the world out there waiting for me, needing me, expecting me to be strong. I can't put my finger on this sadness, but I know it hides behind my eyes, comes forth in the discalming manner in which I speak, the steps I take looking as if I am climbing a mountain. I am not me hiding behind this alien being shrouded in the folds of my skin. I just want to be me.