I'm struggling. Usually at this time of year that dark cloud that hovers over me lifts and I start to feel energized and renewed and just a tad bit lighter. But this year, it hasn't yet happened and I feel myself stretching, trying to grasp onto that sunshine in the sky and flip over onto the happy side, but it just isn't working. I'm feeling, instead, as if the rubber won't hold much longer before I break.
The reasons I know this is how I try to convince myself to do things I know I will enjoy. Rather than talking myself into it, I usually talk myself out of it. Things like meetings with friends and parties and going on a bike ride. Things like needing to sum up the energy for a family day out, preparing sandwiches for a picnic seems like it takes more effort than it should. Calling my family and friends at home, though always at the forefront of my mind, I never just pick up the phone and do it. I have plans to better my home swirling in my mind, but haven't yet lifted a finger to accomplish any of them. When it's my turn to pick kids up from Judo, I become angry that I have to leave the shelter of my home to make that 10 minute trip.
I feel like a bomb just nearing explosion, and though I haven't yet reached that point, I can feel it coming. I need to cut the wires before it happens. But how?
I haven't been physcially well, having bouts of sinus infections and problems with earaches and migraines and teeth. My family hasn't been healthy, with mumps and Q-fever and allergies on the rise, as well as a concussion my mother suffered last week. Foot infections and heartburn are the least of our health issues. Money is short paying all these added doctor bills, as well as a large bill we owe the beginning of June hanging over my head. Kaeden's trip to America looms on the horizon while we still don't know where, or if, we will go this year. Father's Day is quickly approaching, as well as my dad and brother's birthdays.
I keep copping out of all my extra-curricular responsibilities. Such as helping serve at a funeral for a neighbor last week, going to choir activities, attending my women's club end of year party (which is tonight, and I am trying to work up the courage and strength to go, but it doesn't feel like it's going to happen). I keep making excuses, such as not feeling well (which I don't) or having family responsibilities (which I do). But, and this is a big but, I could still manage these other things if I was mentally able. But I am not, and as I keep letting these other things fall to the wayside, I'm bringing myself down even further as each activity quickly passes me by on the calendar.
I just haven't yet learned how to make myself well with a positive attitude. I haven't been able to take a shower and face the day with a smile. I haven't been able to summon the courage to take that first step. I'm feeling stuck and stretched and just not bubbling and flowing as the creek so alive with the rush of spring water, the melted winter snow filling it to capacity. I just want to wake up out of my winter sleep and feel hungry for that taste of sunshine.