So, I thought I'd talk about Kaeden today. It seems to me I always write about autism when we're going through the difficulties, which come quite frequently with my son. I need the chance to get all the emotions and frustration out someplace, and my blog is the place I turn for help. But today, I can graciously step up and write a post about autism that is a good one. Or maybe it's not so much about autism, but about my son. I don't know, the two go hand in hand and can't be separated, so I suppose it's about both: Kaeden and Autism. Autism and Kaeden.
In any case, it's good. We have had a very good week in our home. These weeks of freedom from fighting are always a huge relief to everyone in our home. They also make me wary, wondering when the BIG explosion is going to come. But for now, I am choosing to focus on the positive.
We changed Kaeden's medication a about a month or so ago and have been playing with dosages as we build him up on his new med and lower or remove his other medications. 'Playing' with medication is always difficult, and finding a prefect combination is next to impossible. We've been 'playing' this game for 8 years now, when he first started taking ritalin. It's a difficult proccess.
This week has been like living in a state of bliss, as far as Kaeden is concerned. Though the biggest difficulty still comes in getting him out of bed and ready in the morning, there have been no big outbursts, no major incidences to send us all off the deep end. Our home has been an oase of peace, actually speaking and conversing in place of yelling and screaming. Kaeden has been more talkative, telling us about his days, his interests, his needs, rather than flying off in anger when we are unable to understand. He has shown more interest in us as individuals in his family, rather than seeing us as his servants and enemies.
I know that it helps that we haven't been yelling, that our voices are calming and soothign rather than blasting out frustration and anger. I know our bodies are more soft, not so tense and strained, and in my husband I have seen glimpses of him trying to be playful, rather than on edge worrying. Kaeden has given me the motivation to be more open to him, and I have played games with him daily, sharing a cup of coffee at the table as he recounts things that happen throughout his day.
This is not typical in our home. This is not typical in our son, or in us as parents. It hasn't been typical for the past 3 years. And it feels good. It feels like what I always dreamed our family should be. It hasn't been without incident, but the incidents we've encountered have been manageable. They've been nearing what I'd call normal for a family with a teenage child. They haven't been out of control on either of our parts. I've had an opportunity to begin to relax as a mother, to be allowed to be the mama I wish I could always be. I've started feeling enjoyment in my child again.
I'm not yet done holding my breath, and I'm not yet singing out praises for his new medication. But I am thinking that our life as it has been in the past week has been more enjoyable, more happy, more upstanding and more loving. We've all been able to rest our tired spirits and take a big breath of this clean air. We've hit a crossroads, and finally it's a right turn. I am so proud of Kaeden, because whether it's his medicine helpign him or he's feeling healthier in his own skin, he's had a chance to regain some self-control and put it to use for himself and our family. We have seen the soft, loving, giving side of our son that hides underneath the surface. We have been given back our little boy filled with sparkle and happiness.
I am grateful. And I am, at least for this moment in time, at peace with autism and my son. My son and autism. The fight is momentarily gone, and I am grateful.