Where Is GOD?

Shades of blue come out from hiding
Behind the white clouded feathers in the sky
Somewhere up there, somewhere
God is looking down on me?

I touch the musty earth
Feel it rough upon my hand
The blades of green poking through
Grass , the world is a living being.

I take a step, and another
Waiting for His steps to match mine
Where is He when I need Him
Why doesn't He come down and carry me?

My belief is being tested
I kneel down and pray
But the sky doesn't open up
Instead tears fall over my face.

Faith is failing me, my faith
Where has it gone
Where is He?
God please help me.

Autism and Psychiatric Hospital

Today I have to find mental strength.  It seems so hard to do the past few months as I find myself sinking into some emotional pit of doom, unable to find even enough strength to do the required tasks of the day.  However, this is also a required task, and one of great importance.  But, it doesn't make it any easier to gear up for.

My son has been hospitalized in a psychiatric center for issues he is unable to control due to his autism.  He is no longer functioning in our world as his fear and struggles prevent him from managing on a day to day basis.  And it sounds like he's pulling mama along for the ride, as I am having the exact same issues, without the aggression and violence.

This afternoon we head once again for another meeting with his psychologist, our psychologist, to discuss the ups and downs of our life as a family with autism.  The ups come fewer and further between than the downs, and the worry from this has taken the livelihood from my eyes and replaced it with someone I don't even know.  I look at myself and wonder where the spirited, passionate mother and woman of long ago has gone.  What I see scares me.  I do not wish to be the woman behind those eyes.  She looks back with a defeated blank stare on her face.  She is not alive.  She cannot find happiness.

This is the second round of psychiatric hospitals for our family.  I have major doubts about what they can do to help.  All the time and energy and focus put into helping my child, and I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I can't fathom finding help for this child whom owns my heart as I think about his thoughts and actions and his manner of living.  And yet, something in me won't give up, won't quit searching, won't quit trying.  He deserves my full attention, my every breath to get him to a place of happiness and success in whatever his path through life takes.  He deserves my undying commitment.

But what he can't take from me, I have learned, is my own happiness and success.  He can't grab onto the gleam of pride and strength in my eyes and turn it into the woman I have allowed myself to become.  He can't take away my own life.  I have allowed that to happen through fault of my own, given in to the power it has over me, this autism thing.  I have allowed it to suffocate me.  I haven't been strong enough to overcome the pain and hurt and fear and worry and sadness.  This isn't about him, but about me.  This is me living with autism.  Not autism in my own head, but the outward effects of having an autistic child. I am at a place where I am no longer willing to give it the power I have in the past.  I want to stand with pride, find the twinkle of expression in my eyes, be one step above this living with autism thing.

Today I will go to the psychiatric hospital where my son is being kept for the coming 9 weeks.  I will go and tell them how autism is affecting me, my marriage, my family.  I will tell our psychologist what I need to beat autism, what I need to do to find my sanity and regain my lust for life.  I will tell her I want my husband to see the life in my eyes, be able to laugh with me again.  I will tell her that I want to be the best mother I can be for my little guy, to have energy to play.  That I want to do everything within my power to help my son find his place in life, but not give up myself in the process.  I will tell her all of this, and ask her opinion on what i need to do to achieve it.

I need mental strength.  I need to be alive.  I need to live, not with autism, but above it.

Mom

Dear Mom,

It is nearly Mother's Day- once again, a day set aside to honor the woman whom gave me life.  The woman whom brings me a security and trust I find with noone else...my mom.

I am on the bus heading towards yet another meeting for Kaeden.  When I was a kid, I had no idea what a difficult job being a mother was.  You made it look so easy-  I always knew I was loved, always had everything I needed and more.  Until I became a mother I had no idea of the sacrifices you made or the pain you had to endure.  I had no idea how when your child's eyes twinkled your heart would glow or how an unexpected hug would make you feel as if you were encased in complete joy.  I had no idea.

Now I know.  As I head to another meeting hoping to find another manner to help my son, I feel the despair, the fear, the anger and unfairness of being a mother...all that I must endure.  Yet, I go, I always go, hanging onto the shred of hope that never leaves my mind or heart when it comes to my children.  Working towards those moments of success, wanting to find them, always searching, until we know without doubt that our child will find happiness, feel love, know care and achievement.

You made motherhood look easy, yet I struggle.  I struggle to come to terms with knowing I can do no more than my best, and never knowing if my best will truly be what is best.

And then, I see him, my son...a tall figure in the distance.  As he moves closer I note his grin, and it gets bigger the closer he comes.  He moves towards me, towering over me, my boy, now already a man, and as he smiles so do I.  His hug wraps me in everything I want, everything I need.  And I hope, oh how I hope, it's all he wants and needs too---my love, my hope, my achievement, my success, my happiness---all wrapped up in one hug, in one boy...

and yet, I have two...one smaller, once younger, one completely opposite from the other in character and drive and desire...yet both so important, so fulfilling, so very mine...

I am mama.

And no matter what else comes and goes in life, whatever good or bad happens, nothing can take that away from me.

 You made motherhood look easy.  I learned it from the very best there is.  I hope my children feel the same when they are forty years old, looking back upon their life.  I hope I made it look easy, that they know, without a doubt, that my best truly was the very best.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.  And thank you.

A Day Lasts Too Long

It's been awhile since I've written. I come, trying to find words, but can't. My mind is lost in a fog. So much has been happening around here, so much that makes 2012 to date a really shit year. I try to focus on the positive, but sometimes it is so hard.

Kaeden had his 17th birthday on January 12th. However, it was a very crappy celebration. My son was given no party, no cake, no gifts. The only thing that made his day memorable was mama coming to his home away from home to give him the news he was no longer welcome at home, until he could recognize that abusing people is not okay. I wrote my son an intimate letter, giving him my heart and my love, along with my support for him during his turmoil. I don't know if he is capable of understanding the meaning, but it was necessary for me to let him know that no matter what he does, I am always here for him.

He physically hurt me a few days before, and after emergency meetings with poilce, his school and home, we decided he needs time to recognize his actions are not okay, which resulted in him living away from home for awhile. He will only be coming home on Sundays for a few hours. It pains me, but my hope is that he grasp just some little piece of the message. If he chooses to hurt people, his life will change and not for the better. Sundays are my happy day, when we are all together, doing family stuff, and laughing and playing together without any fights or pain.

My mother-in-law had a heart bypass. It was a scary time and she is still in the hospital, but came out of surgery fine. When we visited her before her operation, she was in a panic and scared of dying. It was difficult for me as I have always seen her as such a strong woman. It gave me a sampling of how important she is in my life, how we should never take those important for granted. I hope her recovery is quick and easy for her. She deserves a little break from pain and health issues.

I found a lump on my left breast. After going to the doctor and subsequently having an ultrasound and mammogram done, there was question as to whether I have breast cancer. I waited for my MRI feeling positive and faithful that all would be just fine. However, after having my MRI read, I was sent for an emergency biopsy. When I asked how things looked, the lady told me she coulkdn't tell me anything until after the biopsy results come back. I suggested that she does hundreds of these tests a day and would like a little clue. Her answer, with a gentle hand on my shoulder, was: It doesn't look good.

I am supposed to receive the results of my biopsy today. It has been a horrendous week. Walking around wondering if you have cancer is the most stressful thing to go through. Every little "symptom" I have points to cancer. PLaying with my children brings on tears as I wonder if cancer will take me from them. Making love to my husband brings about a wave of emotion and fear I didn't know was hidden inside. HIs kisses to assure me only make the tears fall harder.

I called my doctor for the results. They aren't in yet, and she won't be there to get them this afternoon. I have another day of waiting, of fear and of wondering. I have another day of feeling my breast, checking my lymph nodes, pain in my stomach. Touching this body that somehow doesn't feel like my own, like it is a shell housing an amotional wreck inside, looking through the mirror at hollow eyes with black circles under them, wondering if the black circles are caused by worry or by a cancerous beast living inside me.

I need to know. I pray the results are negative. One day I am upbeat and feel so sure, and the next I whimper like a baby certain I am going to die. I don't need to hear breast cancer statistics, that it isn't a death sentence. I don't need to hear that I will be supported. I don't need to hear that so many lumps turn out to be nothing. I don't need to hear that I can't do anything about it anyway...I just need to hear the word Negative....that's when it will be okay.

One more day...just taking it one day at a time. But oh, how long a day lasts...

Working Together

I am really proud of my boy tonight. The big one. He came home from school and has been magnificent to be around the entire evening. It's days like today that give me this feeling of comfort. It feels really good.

Erwin and I attended a meeting with his home away from home this morning. We worked together to make up rules and a plan of attack so that we can all work more efficiently together. I think we have reached a really good compromise. The rules at home are the same as at the other home. His punishments are the same as well. It feels good to have finally found a team who care enough to help us make this work. Because it is a lot of work. We all need to give the same information, follow through with the same plan. And even though there will always be slight differences between home and a live-in care center, today I felt this kind of power in knowing what our expectations are, having them hear our input, and getting it all down on paper so we all feel comfortable.

This is the first time I have really felt this way, ever. Even working with this particular group of people, we always had our differences. Today we finally all committed to each other, to make it work for our son, for our family.

When Erwin and I sat down with Kaeden tonight to explain the new rules (morning and bedtime rituals, mostly) he answered by blowing out a big breath of air. "I like this," he answered. "It will be so much easier to have the same rules at home and at school!" And if he's feeling the pressures subside just from hearing our fellowship, I am interested to see what happens when we actually put it into motion. I hope it will work, for all of us. Most importantly, for Kaeden himself, to help him become more independent and trustworthy.

I expect issues to arise, meltdowns to take place. But we're all on the same page, sharing one goal...the goal to bring peace and happiness to our son, and our family. To give Kaeden the security he needs to feel confidence, and the confidence to become independent. What more could I ask?

Tomorrow begins our new system. I am leary, but hopeful. Mostly, I hope that when we falter, when Kaeden doesn't succeed, that we can remain positive, help him to accomplish the goals and be a success. That we can give him the room needed to make it all work. Starting new systems is never easy, but this time we're starting with accomplices...and they want it to work as badly as Erwin and I...and our son!

Good Job Kaeden for hearing us, listening, and agreeing to do your best. I am so proud of the start you have already made. Let's keep it going kiddo! We're going to win this thing, make our family a positive, happy, harmonious family. One we are all proud to say : This is my family!

Marriage

Marriage. Remember those butterflies you'd get in your tummy just thinking his name way back when? How you couldn't wait for that next phone call or another letter in the mail. How you'd wait up for hours just to manage a quick chat on ICQ? And then comes marriage...

And you turn into an old married couple magically overnight. Maybe that's an exaggeration, maybe it takes a bit longer, but somewhere along the way life takes a turn and marriage becomes a comfort and contentment and all those butterflies hide away for a rainy day.

When you take your vows, in sickness and health, for better or worse, you really don't know what you're getting yourself into. You are in love and this enchanting prince has just become yours, and when you say those magic words "I do" you completely and wholeheartedly believe in them.

But life changes. You lose a piece of yourself when you marry and gain a piece of a pair, but the pair isn't quite whole because really, it's just butterflies and rosy cheeks....at least until the farts and burps and scratching of the balls while you sleep alone in bed yet again becomes the norm. It's only then, after those first few years, that you realize what marriage truly means, and what you have traded in when saying "I do".

Marriage, it takes a lot of work. UNfortunately, people don't often put in the work it takes and the marriage suffers, maybe very noticeably, maybe just in quiet hints. It could be something as minor as him not noticing you colored your hair to something major like him cheating on you. But in one way or another, marriage is often taken for granted, our partner often just a permanent fixture we expect to be around. We have changed since becoming wed, he has changed, life has changed. We aren't the people we chose to marry. We have evolved, both together and apart. In some ways it's a good thing, in some ways it's bad, but in every way it just is. It is life, and it's sharing our life with another human being. Sharing not only a short story, but a complete novel filled with delicate details.

Sometimes those details get a little fuzzy. Sometimes the characters don't all add up. We get lost in the plot, confused about whether it's worth continuing to the end. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it's worth giving a little bit more to come to a conclusion.

This person we have married is the one we chose to be our partner in life. He is the one we believed in and treasured. The one we couldn't stand to be without, for even a few lonely hours. As our marriage ages, we tend to forget those qualities, forget the jittery butterflies that made us alive, forget how enchanted we were, what made him so special, what we wouldn't do to keep that feeling alive. Life becomes comfortable, easy, content. And the butterflies are replaced with the warmth of the wood-burning stove. Only not quite so hot.

MArriage is a rough road. There are lots of twists and turns and sometimes we tend to get lost at the croosroads. We aren't there to help each other find the correct turn as we each go on about our business and do our own thing, only coming together at the end of the day to say hey before falling asleep apart and not so much as a whisper of how are you today? We don't take the time or energy to to make our partner feel special, to let them know they are loved. It's just a quiet assumption you think they understand.

But what if they don't understand? What if they need to feel those butterflies, to marvel over the wonder of being together? To feel like a giddy school girl in love? What happens then? Because marriage can't just be forgotten. You have changed, you have given, you have taken, and you are no longer just you. You have become a pair, a very confortable pair of the grungiest, softest socks you dare not throw away. And only on the gentle wash cycle can they manage to hold together.

Marriage. It is a job. It takes work. And it takes butterflies to make fairy tales come true.

Kaeden is Home

Kaeden is home after a long summer vacation in America with aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and great grandparents. He had a wonderful time and the stories he tells light up his eyes. He was happy there, and got to do lots of fun stuff with people who love him. I missed him. Some days towards the end, it was all I could do to keep my feet planted firmly on European soil. I was also very busy this summer, so that helped to keep the distance not quite so far. Being busy means not sitting twisting your hands in worry. So, it was good that my summer was filled with adventure upon adventure of my own.

Kaeden was scheduled to come home so he'd have a week to adjust before heading back to school. That didn't happen with Hurricane Irene. His trip was delayed 5 days, and even when he did head home, he had yet another unexpected cancellation in Germany. We finally got him home though, and I was grateful we forked out the big money for the unaccompanied minor service.It was needed this time around, and I was pleasantly surprised when I got a call telling me of the unexpected situation and that they would keep my son with them until he was back in the comfort of mama's arms.

He missed the first few days of school. He's having trouble remembering rules we have at home. He doesn't like to get out of bed in the morning. He can't find anything he needs and goes on to blame everyone else for missplacing it. He's forgotten he needs to ask before taking food or drinks, and that eating upstairs is not okay. And, he's irritable beyond belief.

I expected much of this. Jet lag is a real thing and it's not easy getting the groove back. Being gone and able to do as he wanted for two months I was expecting to have to remind him that he must ask for snacks, that he can't have coke. I also knew he would be emotionally drained having spent time with people he loves the most in the world and having to say goodbye and begin over at home (with others who love him, but aren't gramma and grampa).

But what I wasn't expecting was the great amount of stress I am feeling. The tightness in my shoulders aches and I am extremely tired. I find myself once again trying to prevent problems, watching everyone like a hawk to intervene before somethign happens. Doing my best to keep people apart, and busy doing differing activities so as to keep a sense of peace. And yet, all this does is create an immense stress and disharmony within myself. Unfortunately, I can't let it go. If I do, the disharmony in our home becomes too much and nobody is happy. So, I struggle and I become the biggest person and do what has to be done. I am the heart of the home, but I am not sure it's big enough to go all the way around.

Kaeden is harder than I remembered. He requires a lot of time and energy. He is worth it, without a doubt, but it is a lot of work. I have to follow him around like he is a two-year-old. He makes messes wherever he goes and needs assistance with everything. Having this break from these circumstances really did bring a peace to my battered spirit. I needed the break, my husband, my son, and Kaeden himself needed the break. But getting back into the swing of things after the break is hard, like really hard.

I am so glad my son is home. I am happy we all had time to be happy and carefree. And I now hope that we can all find harmony living together as one.

Introducing....

We were on summer vacation in Austria and Czech Republic. One day, we went to visit the zoo. There were bears and goats and a leopard and monkeys...and a cage full of bunnies and guinea pigs. And on the cage was a sign: For Sale: Guinea Pigs €7, Rabbits €10

And Jari fell head over heels in love. With Gizmo. Whom I now introduce as our newest family member,he has given friendship to our lonely Rudy since his brother, Crocky died. So, our little gremlin (well, Jari's, but I can call him mine too, right?!) Gizmo. Isn't he a doll?

The Life of 40

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written. Every day I think, "I need to blog about this." But it just never happens. However, life has been happening. And the past number of weeks have been magnificent and good in every single way. I turned forty. I am now officially Óver The Hill' but if being over the hill means having what I have had as of late, I am happy I am here.

First, Jari and I went on our trip to London. It was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing vacations I could have imagined. I got to see my parents and my gramma, and I witnessed the reuniting of two elderly sisters whose love can be touched and made every one of my senses alive. I realized that even being far away in Europe, I have extended family fairly close by and they are all people I can turn to in times of need. They were very welcoming and hospitable and I sincerely enjoyed getting to know them more. And then, Jari and I explored London on our own for two days which was pure enjoyment from dawn til dusk with my little man. Never have I enjoyed him as much as on those two days we shared together, It was a trip I will always hold very close to my heart. When on top of the London eye, my little boy gave me a riddle to solve: "Mama" he said with two thumbs pointed in the air. "Who is somehwere here that has two thumbs and is having the vacation of a lifetime?" he asked. And as I looked at him again, he tilted his thumbs to point at himself and yelled out "ME!" And the delight in his eyes at everything surrounding him and the feeling of his hand in mine as we toured the city will be etched in my mind forever.

Party Number One: With my English family, my son, my parents and my grandmother in our little Roydon vacation house. Streamers complete with 40 decorating our little bungalow, cups of strong, hot tea, and a cake made out of muffins. A birthday Sunday traditional dinner at Morehen "Horse" restaurant complete with Knickerbocker Glory, and then a gift given to me which was like a treasured piece of heaven. A book, made of handcrafted wood boards made by my brother, a gold plaque stating 40 Years of Tera's Memories, and pages filled with photos, messgaes of love, old cards and pictures, baby announcements, awards I accomplished, and the wristband from the hospital when I was born. It was a gift that brought tears to my eyes and made the trip totally complete.

Friday evening, after our trip, Jari and I were playing Lord of the Rings on Playstation when the doorbell rang. I sent Jari downstairs to see who it was and he climbed back up telling me I needed to go down. When I opened the door, 30 people were standing there yelling Surprise and singing Happy Birthday to me, in English. The soccer club had placed the coveted door before my house, with a poem about my life and photos of me welcoming me into the 40 Club. In Belgium, it is tradition to have an old door placed in front of your home every 10 years starting at 30. This was a gift to me. It made me feel as if my life here in Belgium is complete, as if I have been welcomed here and accepted and am now óne of the club'. The poem they wrote showed me that my activities and life in Belgium are numerous when all stacked together in a poem, and that I have found my niche living in this faraway home. What my soccer friends did for me, they will never know, but it really gave me a place where I felt competely home.

Party Number Two: Soccer friends and kids running amuck playing hide and seek, adults conversing with beer and coke and bowls of chips in our humble backyard.

Saturday, breakfast with my guys complete with a vase filled with 40 red roses from my husband and gifts hidden in the yard by my son (a poem written completely by him, he also has a gift for words, and a little paper-created city) before heading off to Helmond Sport stadium for Open Day. My son goes through the soccer circuit, scoring high points. He looks good out there on the field, and my husband and I watch and cheer him on. We buy jerseys for an amazing price of €1 each worn by the players in the previous season. It's a fun afternoon, only just beginning, because my in-laws hosted a birthday dinner for me at their place. Jari and Erwin and Oma made me a fruit cake when we arrived, and we ate it up upon completion, yum! I got some gifts, the highlight being a piece of paper. Written on it was a gift certificate for a trip to Paris! Which is already reserved and arranged for a 3 day adventure this coming weekend. Wow! My sister-in-law came with reading glasses and a guide book for Paris, as well as some spending money. Have I ever said how much my in-laws mean to me, how grateful I am to them for giving me family and love and support? For making me feel special? I think I have said it many times in the past, but it remains strong to this day. They knew I wanted to visit Paris, and they are making that dream happen, for me.

Party Number Three: At oma and opa's house with Ilse and Michel, Tante Ricky and Ome Karel, Omam, Opap, and us. I arrived to find balloons and streamers decoratin the walkway to their home, along with signs stating all the reasons 40 is so great (botox, reading glasses, etc) complete with pictures of Moi! A delicious gourmet dinner, bottles of wine, and good conversation. And they did it all at my request for me. And it touched my heart.

Sunday, slept in late and woke up to get things ready. Party Number Four just around the corner, a BBQ for friends hosted by us. The weather wasn't helpful and we had to shuffle stuff around, and my husband helped to create a wonderful little BBQ world in rain-filled skies. The food was good and way too plentiful (as always), and my home was filled with friends and laughter and stories of life. I received another gift, another gift that cannot be replaced and will always touch me deeply. A photo book of my life, pictures of me growing up and now, with friends and family, me smiling and being goofy (and even a little naughty). And on those pages were also letters written to me by all these people I have crossed paths with in my life, people I have come to know and many of whom have become a second family to me. These pages filled my heart with joy. In my 40 years here on earth, I have found a good mix, a good balance, and a good basis for a wonderful life. I have been truly blessed, and from the words on those pages I have also blessed others with my presence. It is a special gift to know you have touched others lives, and this book was testament that I have. I had to put my book down to collect myself as tears filled my eyes. I am loved, oh so loved, and by so many people. What a wonderful gift.

Party Number....nope, no more parties. 40 has come and will remain til 41, and with it I have realized what a gift my life is. I am blessed, truly. Life is a party. You have to bring out the party hats and streamers and make each day alive, find that sunshine and make it glow. I think 40 has given me another new start, a place to start fresh knowing my life is complete (even tho I miss my other son who is loving every minute of his vacation in America!). Happy Birthday to me, and Thank you to all of you in it with me. Much love!

England

Yesterday I spent a portion of my day making plans. PLans that are pretty exciting, to me and my family. See, a few months back, I was also making plans. PLans for Jari and I to make a trip to England for my aunt Lucy's 90th surprise birthday party! I bought train tickets for the two of us to go, happy I was able to be there to represent my family. To visit with these people I don't see often enough, to be there to celebrate the life of an amazing woman I have come to treasure over the years of my own life. So, Jari and I were going to make the trek across the sea and spend five days enjoying London.

Then, yesterday, new plans were made. My dad, impulsive though he is, decided he was bringing my gramma to her sister's birthday party to surprise her! She decided to make the trip, so I made the reservations for my dad, mom, and gramma to meet us in London! And, the thought of being encircled in the bosom of my family has me feeling pretty good!

Even more, I am so so so happy that my gramma and her sister will be reunited once again. The surprise on my Aunt Lucy's face is one already etched in my mind before the event takes place. These two women, my gramma and her sister, have shared a very special bond in life. As babies, they were given up by their parents and lived in a children's home in London. When Lucy was old enough, she left and married, and took my gramma home to live with her. When the war broke out, my gramma was once again on her own, serving in the women's force of the army. This is where she met my grampa, and when the war was over she moved to America to begin a life with him, having seven children of her own, never giving them up.

Lucy and gramma have visited each other throughout the years, both in England and America. They have kept a close bond throughout the years, and on Lucy's last visit to America, they said their goodbyes, knowing it was the last time they would see each other in life. But, it wasn't the last time, because come her 90th birthday, my gramma will be there to share it with her sister...one last visit to share their laughter and smiles. It brings me a feeling of euphoria, this passion filling my heart, of two sisters having lived a terrible childhood, yet bringing them a connection that even great distance would survive.

And my dad and mom, bless them, know the importance of such family values, and are making it happen, this chance for them to be together one last time. It makes my heart sing and I am so glad I will have the opportunity to be present and witness the love that will be able to be felt and nearly touched. I am so grateful my parents have passed their values of family onto me, to allow me this joy in seeing two sisters united.

Plus, my kiddo, Jari, is so excited he gets to see gramma and grampa and great-gramma again! And me too!! When my children have the opportunity to be with their grandparents, it's like a light of love surrounds me and I feel complete happiness. So, it's a good thing, this planning, because it gives me something to look forward to, and something to bring joy upon impact!

Health Issues

I have been thinking non-stop about my parents, my in-laws, my grandparents lately. It's been kind of driving me a little crazy. I am so worried about the health of all these people I love. When we're little kids, our parents seem so old to us, our grandparents ancient. As we grow into teens, the age gap seems to lessen and we see them more realistically...a generation gap away. As adults, we recognize that they are getting older, but they no longer seem quite so distant in years. But then, suddenly, they hit 60, and 60 sounds old-ish. 65 is the age of retirement. 70, wow, 70.

And as our parents age, health complications begin to arise. Whether in the form of a hip replacement, a stroke, alzheimers, broken bones, allergies, high blood pressure, or diabetes, these ailments become noticeable and we see our parents attending the physician's office more frequently. With age inevitable comes frail health.

Neither my in-laws nor my parents are in the best of health. Each of them suffers from one thing or another, and as they suffer, I suffer along with them. It scares me and makes me worry. And when I get scared and worried, I have a tendency to distance myself, to lessen my own worry, I assume. But it remains, as I see oma struggle to walk, opa cringe when there is too much noise, my mom tell me of her bloodtest results, and my dad as he complains of the arthritis in his hands aching so he can't even drive.

It's easy for me to negate my parents, being physically distanced form them means I don't directly see their ailments...until I see them after a time span and notice the limp in their step, the further balding, the swollen feet. Sometimes it makes it nearly unbearable, seeing the decline in my parents' health after our time apart. But nearly weekly I am in the presence of my in-laws, and I notice this or that or the other and though their negative decline is less noticebale than a reunion with my own parents, it definitely exists and I am confronted with it regularly.

I can't imagine losing one of these people who mean so much. Each of them plays such an importnat role in my life. Opa has allowed me to be myself and laughed with me as I adjusted to becoming a European, made my adjustment easier with him around. Oma is a loving woman with a very open personality which was hard for me in the beginning, but I have come to appreciate, trust, and love. She tells it like it is, and that makes it easy; no second-guessing what she is thinking. My mom is my best friend. I can discuss anything with her and know she will support me no matter what. Even from afar, there is never a doubt to who I will turn when I need a listening ear. My dad and I always had íssues'when I was growing up. He called me out when I needed it, and was a disciplinarian. As I have grown older, he and I have become good friends in addition to him being my dad. We share many of the same ideals and have compassion for each other. He is the man I have always looked up to and has shown me what hard work means, and what you can achieve by being a hard worker.

My grandparents on my mom's side are both still alive, and for this I feel completely blessed. They have given my children the feeling of having that so important extended family. However, neither is free of health problems as well as their age (92 and 84) give reason to worry. They are both at peace with their lives and both are ready for the day their Father calls them home. I'm not sure I am so ready for that day. I am extremely close to my gramma especially, and can't imagine not hearing her voice or receiving her hugs.

This all means that my family bonds are very strong, and for that I am grateful. But it does play a part in the pain and worry when each of them is in pain or has health problems. Being so far away from my parents and grandparents adds an extra burden, and though within the vicinity of my in-laws, we are not close enough for me to help on a daily basis, like I wish I could. Lately I have been doubting the decisions we have made with regards to distancing ourselves physically from family. Though our emotional bond remains close, we aren't nearby to help or be around for them when we are needed. And that plays on my heart.

I know that we need to do what is necessary to make a life for ourselves. We need to consider our children and the path our lives have led us and be together when the time allows. And we do that well, I think. However, health issues arise and it makes me wonder. Just what are our expectations in caring for our aging parents? And how will we achieve this task and fulfill our role as their children?

Tea and Comfort

The house is quiet. All I hear is the sound of the tv as I sit back and tune it out. I have a cup of cinnamon apple tea, warm in my hand, and the smell seduces me, causing me every so often to take a sip. It's a comfortable feeling, sitting here alone, knowing everyone is safe and sleeping gently just where they belong. I have gotten up a number of times to turn out the loghts and head to the cozy warmth of my bedroom, but my eyes are as yet not ready to close. They are enjoying this solitude, this peace.

WE have started a new program with Kaeden, coordinating with his home away from home, as they work with us trying to develop a sense of relaxation for all of us when he is at home. It's quite a complicated system, but last weekend, the first weekend we use dit, was the best we have had in a very long time. I know my kid, and I know he gets a thrill out of new things. I know that the level of comfort we all felt last week is most likely a short-lived happiness, but I dare to hope none-the-less. I would give my life to find comfort and peace coexist in our home, just as I feel now, relaxed and content.

Kaeden desires peace in our home. He desires a better relationship with his dad, sharing life with his little brother as only brothers can, having a mama whom doesn't cry everytime her son actually shines in happiness. He wants things to be better, but just as we ask every day of our lives, he also asks the question "How?"

We are starting with aggression. Kaeden has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to violent behavior since last week, and as much as I am happy it exists, I am also scared. What happens when that zero-tolerance is crossed? We have a plan, but can it fall into place? Will he have the ability to stop his behavior and recognize the consequence of his actions? Kaeden must show respect for people and material objects. He must show respect to us as his parents by following our guidance if he begains to sway and fail, and he must recognize when he is becoming angry and leave the scene before he explodes. These are not easy feats, and though our first week went flawless and my pride in my son soared, I worry for the consequences that will follow IF he does fail. It has become a habit, common-place in our home. We have turned rather than faced the problem head-on simply becuase we don't know what to do. WE now have assistance, as well as back-up. Will it be enough? Will it give him the motivation to try to stay in control? To learn to show respect?

We must let the other behaviors slide while we work first on aggression. Will we be able to carry on, to let things slide which are really not okay? Will we have the strength to carry through with zero-tolerance? Will we have the strength to show him praise for simple things which aren't really due praise?

This week we all sent Kaeden a card, thanking him for the terrific weekend, telling him how much we appreciated his effort, and in turn his success. I didn't ask anyone to sign it, but simply told Erwin and Jari I had it and was planning to send it. When I stuck it in the envelope, all three of us had written Kaeden a personal note....without my request. I dare to hope, with a shallow wall protecting my soul. I want to break the wall down, but it's not yet time. The hope is high, the spirit strong, and I am comfortable and cozy in my home. My family is secure and safe and relaxed, and as I drink the last swallow of my tea, I finally feel like this plan, this little piece of help, may be what I need to finally be able to breathe. I pray for our success, each and every one of us.

Christmas

I just got off the phone with my mom. I feel a surge of energy fill me up and excite my every nerve ending when I talk to her lately. All we chitchat about revolves around Christmas. And the fact that we'll be together this Christmas...and what a blessing that is for us and our families.

Who's name did I draw? What should I bring? When will you arrive? Who will be there and when? I sent some presents to Jo's house...can you let her know? It's going to be one of those great big old fashioned family Christmasses of my past...sharing it in the presence of my grandparents, though no longer in their home, all of us coming and going, being together. Cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, parents...we're all going to be pitching in to make a great Christmas celebration. It sounds like so much fun!

I have been praying for a miracle, hoping that my brother and his family would also be present this year. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it will happen, but whether present at the festivities or not, they will certainly share our space in love and prayer for a healthy, happy, blessed new year. I only wanted for our children to be able to come to know each other better, to play as I played with my cousins as a kid, to feel the smothering comfort of being with family. Yes, smothering...maybe that's what scares them away...we're all so very different. How is it that people raised in the same home, under the same rules, with the same parenst and discipline can turn out to be such different people? I see it with my brothers and I, but also in my own children. Life, and how it affects us, all in our own way.

Christmas is on my mind. I can't wait til it's arrival...to be encircled in the wreath of my family, captured in hugs and laughter, smiles and emotion. It will be a gift. A gift to treasure.

Thanksgiving

My boys are tucked into bed without a single bit of difficulty. My husband made it safely home after a dinner party with colleagues after work. There is a baked pie cooling on the counter and jello thickening in the fridge. I have a menu ready and placemats painted. Little turkeys made of egg cartons are awaiting their place next to each place setting. My kitchen floor is soiled like never before, and my dishwasher chose today to quit working...when nearly every dish in the house needs a washing.

Today I am calm and centered. It is a special day. Yesterday Thanksgiving passed with nary a second glance. I spent the day with my American girlfriend, shopping, talking, and completing our day with turkey sandwiches. Last night I read Jari the story of the first Thanksgiving. But it was just another day, really. Today, I started out shopping for women's party gifts discussing what Black Friday means to someone who has never heard of it. I came home to make lunch for my son, did some surfing online, and completed my crossguard duties. Then, I started gathering Thanksgiving supplies, collecting items stored from the attic, moving furniture, looking up recipes and gatehring ingredients. And when my boys were home from school, we started working together, all three of us, their excitement catching as music played on MTV.

Decorations were hung, couches moved, tables put together and washed vigorously. They couldn't stop talking about Thanksgiving and most importantly, sharing the day with their friends. Each boy was allowed to invite one friend this year. Both chose and can't wait to share this special day, expand their Belgian friends worlds to include a little something from America. Another piece of them, unknown to the world within our reach. Finding out just a bit more about who they are through this tradition I have passed onto them. A piece of America, a piece of us, within these European boundaries.

Today, though the work has been aplenty, I feel a sense of achievement. As we prepare for our Thanksgiving celebration, a bit later than the actual day itself, I stand back and look at the works I have completed. I am thankful for these two boys in my presence, who though they drive me crazy and cause me worry beyond belief, have also allowed this sense of importance to forge through. Though I'm not even sure they realize it, this celebration is more than just a celebration of Thanksgiving. It is a celebration of their heritage, that little piece they have yet to discover and understand. The piece of me I have worked so hard to carry through to them. I am thankful that I have succeeded. That they are excited to share this with their friends. That it is also important to them.

Surrounding me are people I love and care for. This year, there are two new faces to add to our crowd. Two new faces to accept my boys as this other side shines through. Tomorrow our celebration will begin by being thankful for this opportunity to raise awareness. Awareness of differences. Awareness of something we don't understand. And accepting and celebrating that which we learn. Happy Thanksgiving.

Tight

Terror in his eyes
Teeth bared and a sob escapes
His body shaking
As he reaches for me
Clasps to me
Tight

I can't think of anything
But to get him away
Away from the fear
To stop the sobs
The bared teeth
The fear in his eyes
As he clutches to me
Tight

Down the stairs
The screaming
Kicking
Yelling
Nasty words
Just a distant drum
As I scramble to get him away
Away from the fear
As he grips my shoulders
Tight

His eyes when I dare to glance
Tell me all I need to know
Leave, go away, away from the fear
Give him a promise
As I clasp him
Tight
Security

Broken objects mirror broken hearts
Broken souls
Broken defeated fearful sad
I set him in the car
And he begins again
Sobs, shaking, terror
And I pull him to my lap
Screaming
Kicking
Anger just a distant background drum
Holding him against me
Tight

I promise him it will be okay
As his hand clutches mine in his
Tight
Tears still falling, silently
As I point out the big, round moon in the sky

I see the moon and the moon sees me
God bless the moon and God bless me
We chant together, fearful, unsure
His hand still wrapped in mine
Tight

No, don't go home yet, he begs
And I drive on, worried, fearful, scared, upset
But remembering the terror and unable
To place him in that moment yet again
Fear in his eyes
Trembling as he clasps onto me
Tight

I carry him inside
No more screaming
kicking
hitting
nasty words
Still afraid, clutching to me
Just take me to my bed
And I do, holding him
Tight

And the moon, round and big
And bright in the sky
Isn't peaceful, but looks
instead
like a great
emptiness
Tight
in my chest

As his sleep is filled
with jerks and sighs
I hold him, tears silently falling
On his cheek
As I kiss him
Holding him
Tight

A letter in the car

Our vacation to Germany was wonderful. It seems to me to be one of the best vacations we've had. A great combination of exploration and discovery, but in a relaxed and easy manner. The kids really seemed to get along well on this trip, and seeing them laughing and playing together was good for my heart. There were no major meltdowns and no major problems. It was a typical family vacation and rejuvenated all of us. So, from me, there are no complaints.

However, on the way home, Kaeden had a meltdown. I'm not entirely sure from where it stemmed, other than the boys playing a game and rules changed, and then the game was thrown and from there it all went downhill. I asked Erwin to stop the car, and at the following exit we got off and parked in the driveway of a business. Though I wouldn't call this meltdown one of Kaeden's worse, it ended of fun vacation on a negative note. It's something we have learned to accept and anticipate when something changes (vacation is over, back to home and school), but nevertheless, it still comes as a shock, and still hits you with a blow. Here is the letter I wrote in the car, sitting in the backseat with my son, following our meltdown. I call it ours, because it is never just Kaeden involved, but us as a whole, a family with autism.

Just stopped. I am so angry. Had to get off the highway because my two wonderful kids can't stop fighting. And Kaeden can't keep his hands to himself in which Jari screams like a banshee. So, off the highway to change seats and get them away from each other. When am I going to learn? Even if they promise there will be no problems and beg to sit next to each other, don't do it. It is simply asking for trouble.

So, Kaeden flips out and the thing I was most nervous about was being by the busy road. Cars speeding by as he kicks and screams and hits- I was afrais he would run out there in front of a car. And his mouth- I can't stand listening to how he speaks to us, but most especially to Erwin. The names he calls him are so rude and disrespectful. I actually hate the way they speak to each other, neither of them is respectful, but in this case Kaeden was definitely at fault.

As he it the fence with his belt I demanded he forfeit it before getting back in the car. His tantrum continued and when I moved Jari's booster seat to the front seat and saw Jari just standing there on a rock, off to the side, observing the entire situation unfold. His hands clutched in his pockeets just watching. How do I feel? Sad, sad that at 8 years old this is the only life he has known. But even more so, sad that being this is the only life he's known he still hasn't figured out how to help prevent these scenarios. I don't blame him, not at all, but I can't understand why when he sees such an ocassion arising, he doesn't know enough to stop.

It's often, though not always, clear that Kaeden is ready to explode. Erwin also has difficulty with this, though in his case it is more that he believes Kaeden must obey and must succumb to the rules. I just don't know. For me, I'd rather enforce only when it's something important and forego the fights and meltdowns and the ensuing feeling of sadness and hurt which remains in my heart long after the tantrum has subsided. None of us is right or wrong, I suppose, as we all must do what we have to do to live with autism. In general, though, Kaeden is most calm with me. There are many factors that contribute to that. All I know is that autism is the culprit, and because autism is a part of who Kaeden is, he gets the blame. Should he? I'm not sure- sometimes yes, sometimes no- but even with autism he has to learn to live in the world according to the rules society sets forth. Or we as parents set forth. Or teachers set forth.

Kaeden seems somewhat more controlled when he has a meltdown compared to a couple of years ago, but they still happen, and when he is stilled, calm, and happy again 20 minutes later. my heart is still beating double time, my blood still pulsing hotly through my veins, the 20 minutes a lifetime, a mixture of fear, anger and pain, added to the guilt I feel that all my entire family must go through, each of us in our own way, as a result of autism.

Erwin let me handle things during this episode-he let me take care of business and get Kaeden calmed down so we could go, and for that I am grateful. As we continue on our way Jari is role-playing with his stuffed bear, Erwin driving us home, Kaeden watching a movie as he points out a hot air balloon he sees in the blue, sunny sky above us---and I? I just have tears hiding behind my eyes, knowing this won't be the last time, certainly wasn't the first time, and I once again curse autism as we head towards home, our family, vacation nearly ending, once again autism ending it in the way which is so typical, in the manner of which we have all become accustomed, a change on the horizon upon which autism cannot bear, but must. Life goes on----

And that is my take on our last autistic meltdown. And even so, it was a truly wonderful family vacation, one I will treasure forever, remembering my boys chasing around the playground, their laughter filling the silent air.

Relationships

I have been thinking a lot lately about the relationships with men and boys I have had throughout my life. Though I haven't had many long-term relationships, I've had a share that have brought me to a certain knowledge about what being involved means. And I also realize that many of my relationships throughout life have been on a long-distance scale, which is something I have to conclude is easier for me. I can get to know someone quite personally without the face-to-face confrontation. And I suppose, that's also the reason those various said relationships failed. The excitement at being with someone is replaced by the excitement of receiving that next letter or card, or in today's world, email. And as the letters, calls, or emails dwindle, so does the passion that stood in the relationship. Without the presence, the need wears thinner until it is suddenly gone. And without the repurcusions of a face-to-face break-up, it falls away much easier.



Throughout junior high I had a couple boys I "dated". Dated being a very loose term, as we held hands in the hallway at school and he walked me to my classes. This was the point I had my first experience with a long-term relationship. His name was Justin and I had known him when he lived in Laramie, but he had moved to Florida. It was then that we began writing and discovering what it meant to be 'in love' through our letters. I can still remember awaiting his next card in the mailbox as I would scurry to my bedroom and sit there opening it up as if it were a treasure. But, kids will be kids, and eventually no more cards came. And that was that.



Towards the end of junior high and my transition year into highschool, I dated Mark. We spent hours upon hours through the summer at the baseball park. During my time with him, I learned about kissing and touching and sexual tension. And I learned about what boys can do to a girl's self-esteem when all they really wanted all along was one thing: sex.



In high school I was one of the kids from a great mix of friends, but never fit into any one group. I never got close to anyone, really, though I would consider my DECA and Newspaper clubs as having the most influence over me during this time. I never really went to parties or movies or out with the crowd. But even so, I came to be involved with a guy from the tech school, Tracey. He was older and my parents disapproved of him. The reason was because he was a techer, and far too old (19) for their little (16) girl. I snuck around to see Tracey, and spent hours helping him fix up his cool car. We had a good time together, and were even allowed to go roller-skating with a group on ocassion. My parents didn't know about all the other time I spent with him. Our relationship fizzled as spring turned to summer and he went back home to Montana after his semester.



When I was in my last year of high school, I was involved in another long-distance relationship with Pablo. He didn't live so very far, and we managed to see each other fairly regularly when I took the bus to meet my girlfriend, who was his cousin. When I got my own car, I was even allowed to go there to visit. I don't think my parents understood how romantically involved we were. They knew I was planning to marry him and be with him forever, but it was just puppy love in their eyes. We kept in touch via phone and mail, hanging onto those few in-life meetings we had in between. Pablo could barely speak English, but at that time my Spanish was quite fluent and we communicated easily. We joked that ours was the language of love. Until I suddenly realized the language of love couldn't exist without us speaking a common language, and eventually he gave up and moved back to Mexico.



In my first year of college I still lived in Laramie, but moved into an apartment with 3 other girls. I met Rob as he lay in the middle of the main street through town in the middle of the night. My girlfriends and I were headed home after a night at the bar and I had been drinking. I called out to the driver to "Stop. Is that guy laying there dead?" And we stopped and helped him up and brought him home (funny, he was also a techer), but I never went home that night. We stayed and partied some more with Rob and his friends (yes, he was also drunk), and I even stayed with him the next day when everyone finally went their own ways. We managed to spend a lot of time together in the coming weeks and I couldn't help but fall for him even though I knew he would be leaving Laramie after his exams from tech school. He went home to Connecticut, but him and I stayed in touch for the better part of 4 years. When I moved to New York as a nanny (yes, knowing he would be close to me again), we even managed to get together, and our phone calls lasted hundreds of hours each month. We had a really free and easy relationship. Nothing permanent, nothing promised, but quite intense all the same. Rob joined the Coast Guard and after I got pregnant with Kaeden, Rob found the girl he would marry, and we didn't keep in touch after that.



Rick was my next involvement. He was someone I knew from high school as he fawned after me even back then. When I had moved back to Laramie after having gone to New York and then California, Rick came into where I worked and asked me out. He was recently divorced with two kids, and though I wasn't interested in him as more than a friend, I still agreed to go out. I think my self-esteem must have been at an all-time low, because he used his charm and managed to become a permanent fixture in my life. So permanent, that when I moved out of my prarents home, he helped me move, but never left. This was the beginning of realizing I was trapped in some kind of hell. He was mean and demanding and abusive and managed to estarnge me from my family and friends. I have no idea why I didn't leave him, other than I was scared and didn't have enough courage to go. And that's when I discovered I was pregnant. Our relationship was very rocky and at one time in my pregnancy he tried to kill my baby by jumping on my stomach. I went to the hospital and was checked in to keep track of contractions as well as administer fluids. Though I didn't allow him back into our home after that, we still saw each other. When Kaeden was born, he wasn't present, but came into and out of our lives for a short period after his birth. When Kaeden was an infant he threw a box of canned vegetables on the bed, hitting Kaeden, and from that moment on it was the end of my life with Rick. I moved away from Laramie to protect myself and my baby, and though he stalked us and there were a few incidents of terror, he was never again a part of our lives.



And then, fast forward 3 years. The computer age. ICQ. And the meeting of my next and final involvement, Erwin. I met Eagle on the first night after installing a modem on my new second-hand computer. He was from Holland. I was doing a school unit on Holland. He was called Eagle. I had recently hit an eagle with my truck and damaged the front window, as well as received a scar on my wrist. It was fate. We chatted off and on for a couple months, until suddenly something switched and he became my life. Once our relationship started to evolve, there was no stopping us. Another long-distance relationship. Yet, this one had me more thn head-over-heels. There was something extra, something special which drove me into a state of complete happiness. As we chatted, and eventually shared phone calls (lots of them) and spent fortunes in postage, my dutch prince was coming for a visit. And from that first visit, we've never since been apart (other than via the ocean which separated us). When Kaeden and I moved to Holland in 200o to join our family together, it was all I had dreamed of. And when Jari came along a year later, our little family was complete. We married knowing that it was the end to all future relationships, and I was completely content with this scenario.

There have been ups and downs throughout my life with Erwin, but the ups far outweigh the downs. As far as men are concerned, he is someone I can always count on, he is supportive in my desires and needs, and he gives me a sense of security. I still get those butterfly tingles when I see him walking towards me and our life together has become comfortable and gratifying. Sometimes I need to stand back, when the going gets tough, and remember my past, the people I have been involved with, and the present that is mine. Because no matter how difficult things seem to be, we still have each other, and we vowed to love one another no matter what problems come to stand in our way. And love him, I do. Ours is no longer a long-distance relationship easy to back out of. We stand face to face every day of our lives, and need to look deeper into each other's eyes, find the click and make it flow. I'm glad there is no easy way out. I want to stand strong with my husband by my side, knowing we've worked hard individually to make this complete together. But that's what we need to do. We need to work harder.

My last and final relationship. He's exactly what I wanted, he's exactly what I got. And he's someone I see in my future, sharing travel and grandkids and cups of coffee on a sunny terrace. He is, after all these years, still my everything.

Legalities of Kids

So, Erwin and I are heading off on our first overseas vacation just the two of us. Though I'm looking forward to going and have made all the arrangements for the care of the kids while we're gone, we haven't yet completed the one task I feel pressured to do. We haven't taken care of the legal paperwork to ensure our kids are secure in the case something should happen and we should both die.

There are numerous reasons for this. First, I don't even want to consider dying, let alone leaving my children parentless. Second, I'm not entirely sure what I need to do legally. And third, our situation is so completely complicated, Erwin and I cannot come to a decision as to who to name as our children's guardians. Neither of us feel confident naming any of our friends or family members as guardians for our kids. It's not that we don't trust family members, and it's not that we don't think they'd keep our kids best interests at heart. But in this place where we have to make a choice of guardians for our children, to place their entire future in another's hands, is overwhelming and we feel completely and utterly alone. Not just me, not just him, but both of us. It's something we agree non regarding this subject of which we've discussed frequently the past number of weeks.

A typical choice would be our parents. One set or the other. However, both of our parents are aging and not in the best of health and we don't feel that we should strap them with the care of our children. When I see and hear how tired they are just keeping them for short visits, whether a day or a month, I know we cannot put the responsibility of raising our boys on them. They are simply too old to have to raise a young family again, and add an autistic child with special needs to the mix and it seems impossible.

We live in one country, my family lives in another (in which Jari has never named America home and it would be so difficult to take away all that is comfortable and normal to him in the face of losing his parents as well), and Erwin's family lives in yet another country. The logistics of this are daunting. Legally, there would be thousands of hurdles.

Our siblings would be another logical choice. However, we don't feel that saddling our brothers and sister with our kids is a possibility. Erwin's sister has chosen not to have children because she doesn't want them. We can't force someone who doesn't even want kids to take on the responsibility of our boys. My one brother and I don't have a strong relationship (though it has gotten better over the past year, it's not a relationship I could comfortably place my children) and we don't agree with their parenting choices, as they vary so greatly from our own. My youngest brother, though I love him dearly, I can't see him and his family being able to deal with all the conflicts that come with raising Kaeden. We know that all of our siblings would do the best they can for our boys, but we can't find any of them the best choice for our kids.

Friends: I have a number of close friends with whom we have considered. Some are our age, but have no children. Some are just not financially or mentally stable enough. Some we don't know well enough, others we don't think they'd be able to handle the addition of our boys. Other Family: There should be options here, but as we go through the list, the options seem to dwindle away. One of our main choices due to lifestyle, parenting choices, and knowing the boys would be loved and well cared for, is negated due to the acceptance of marijuana use in the home, which we don't feel right subjecting our children to.

Kaeden's autism certainly plays a major role in our difficulty with choosing. His autism creates additional financial and emotional burdens in which people would have to be able to accept and deal with. I sincerely do not know many people who could have this stress added to their lives and be okay with it. I need to know, without a doubt, that he would be loved and accepted and helped, and I don't know where to find that within or outside of our family, in the face of looking at a lifetime. Because with Kaeden, it is a lifetime, and not just until he's old enough to move out of the house like it would be for Jari.

Yesterday, as Erwin and I sat talking this through over coffee at the kitchen table, we both fell silent when Erwin suddenly commented that maybe the best would be for our children to become wards of the court and be placed in a foster family who would come to accept and love them as their own. We wouldn't burden others and the boys would be cared for. But we all know how fostering works and how children get thrown from place to place.

In the face of losing their parents, I don't want my children to also lose the love of family, close friends, and the comforts they have known their entire lives. I just cannot fathom what to do, and I am totally stressed about this decision. Most likely, we will never have to use our choice, most likely our children will not lose their parents...but the possibility does exist. What are we supposed to do? How can we make a decision that concerns not only the future of our kids, but of whoever takes on this responsibility? How can we ensure they will be loved? How can we ensure they remain together as brothers and don't lose parents, home and a brother?

I don't like having to consider this. But it's one of those jobs we signed up for without knowing it when we made the choice to become parents. And I believe that it's the least we can offer our children, ensuring them their security, if it does come to play in our lives. Now, how, where, and most importantly, WHO?

Winter Bits of Life

Just bits:

• Kaeden turns 15 (FIFTEEN) next week. It seems one of those marked ages. It makes mama feel old and Kaeden feel powerful. Maybe it's the 5's. Seems to me 5, 10, 15 all hit me with some kind of reality that my kids are changing, growing. Which, yeah, that's what I want them to do, but why so darn fast?
• I changed my layout again. Last night Erwin told me he can't even read my blog anymore. I had to agree. Somehow the color combo was all wrong, so we're onto this style for awhile. I change my blog as much as I'd like to change my life. I like change. It feels comforting and clean and gives me a new start. It isn't a character trait that makes living with autism easy, as change is exactly what Kaeden doesn't seem to need. So, if changing my blog layout gives me comfort without affecting him, it's a little piece of freedom.
• It's snowing again. I love the fresh beauty of snow, but this has gone on long enough now! When I was a kid, I lived for snowy days. I couldn't wait to ski and snowmobile and build snow huts and snowmen. Now, give me a few days of snow fun and it's enough. Especially being tied to bike transport which I cannot use in icy conditions one handed, this snow is making me feel a bit stir crazy.
• This country is unable to deal with the snow. It drives me nuts that traffic stands still for hours from these dustings. In Wyoming where I am from, there we get real snow and life goes on. People drive to work and go to school and life continues as normal. Here, it seems like it puts life into a frenzy. Maybe it's too many cars in too small an area, maybe it's not knowing how to live with these conditions...but whatever it is, it seems to be irritating me lately. Get a grip people...it's snow. Learn to live with it, and please quit telling me for 25 minutes every night on the news about all the traffic jams and accidents.
• I am so beyond homesick that my stomach is tied in knots. I'm feeling like a mental breakdown is nearing from it. I know that I will be heading to the states in just over a month, but it hurts my heart to pieces that Jari hasn't seen my parents in so freaking long. So, it's more like I'm feeling this huge guilty pressure that doesn't go away knowing that my son and my parents are being unallowed to share a bond. That hurts me to my very core. If I could let Jari see my parents instead of going myself, I would forsake the much needed hugs to give myself piece of mind knowing that my son knows his grandparents. It's so important to me, and I feel like I am failing.
• My husband and I seem to be stuck in some kind of non-communication mode. I hate when we go through this. Erwin doesn't notice it, but to me it feels as if our relationship is falling to pieces. Maybe it has more to do with my own inner struggles and I am more needy for him and his attention, which I don't feel I am getting enough of. He tells me that every year at this time I feel this way. That may be true, maybe it comes around this time when I miss my home and family the most, but then I need him to recognize that I need more from him and take charge. He fails to do so. Last night our conversation went like this: Erwin mutters something, I say "Were you talking to me?" He says "No" I say "Why not?" He says "I am watching tv." And then I start to cry because I wonder why he wasn't talking to me, why tv is more important than me, why our life seems to have become something we both take for granted, why we can't enjoy each other more, why we can't make each other a priority. But instead of telling him this, I stay quiet and go to bed. The wall between us is back, and it feels thicker than ever. I need it to shatter.
• My housekeeper came to help out Tuesday. I only have her help three hours in the week now as we can't afford more. She showed up and told me her mother-in-law is dying from cancer, and should be gone sometime during the week. It was only the first week of December they discovered she had cancer. It is into her bones and blood and she's living her last days injected with morphine in the hospital. My housekeeper started to cry and I hugged her tight, telling her I'm sorry, it will all be okay. How can you comfort someone when they are losing a mother? Anja has become somewhat of a friend to me, and it didn't feel at all odd hugging my housekeeper, it just felt right and good. I hope it's a long time before I have to go through death in my family. I know life is fragile, I've learned just how fragile when I nearly lost my own life this summer, but I don't want to deal with death.
• Last night at our women's club New Year's get together (just the board, of which I am a member with 5 other ladies), there was a secret Santa gift exchange. Somehow my name was left out. As everyone shared their gifts, I realized I wasn't going to be getting anything. It hit me odd. I wasn't at all upset, just felt once again like I was the outsider, that even in something as simple as a gift exchange I am apart from the group. Now, I may not be the most open person in the world, I may be somewhat private and a bit closed off, but I have tried to become a part of life here. It doesn't happen easily. It takes a lot of work and a lot of energy. And yet, I'm still an outsider, still on the edge looking in. Getting no gift was a mistake, or wasn't it?
• Our car is giving us fits. When we bought it we had hoped to get 4-5 years out of it before looking for another. This car hasn't been good to us. In just 2 1/2 years we've already put quite a bit of money into it, and now something else is wrong again. Erwin thinks it may be the gear box, which is the reason we got rid of our last car. 1500 euro is a lot to put into a car you don't know you'll have a lot of life from. So, do we fork out more money fixing it, or take the plunge (yes, a plunge it will be, and probably result in being unable to go to America for the summer)and get something more reliable? I guess we need to take it to the garage first and hear the verdict. Maybe it's nothing big. But the sound it's making sure doesn't sound very promising.
• December 18th as Erwin was driving home from a work party, a 19-year-old drunk kid ran across the street in the middle of a green light and hit our car with his body as Erwin was driving. The kid's body dented up our car and we couldn't even use the driver door until we allowed the garage to internally open the lock. We chose not to fix the damages, but just fix it enough to allow the door to open. The kid was brought to the hospital with a concussion and wounds to his knee and scrapes all over his body, but went home and is thankfully doing okay. What a mess this is, having to deal with all the insurance stuff becasue some kid drank so much that he didn't know what he was doing. I hope he learned a lesson from this accident which could have ended much more tragically. Tonight Erwin has to go to his home to finish filling out paperwork and reports, and I hope that it goes okay and some agreement is achieved. I hope the kid learned a valuable lesson, but kids think they are invincible. I did too, at that age. I did some stupid things back then. I made it out alive. I hope the kid does too.

So, that's a few bits of life at this moment. It's winter, what can I say? I'm doing my best to keep my attitude in check and my spirits high, but it's winter...and winter does this to me.

Thanksgiving Weekend

It was a really fantastic weekend. It was so relaxed with a busy undercurrent, but not at all stressed. I think it was what we all needed. Kaeden didn't even leave home after his Judo lesson Friday night and in fact stayed in his pyjamas all day Saturday. So did Jari. We played games, got started on our Thanksgiving dinner preparations, and when bedtime rolled around and I told them to get ready for bed, they both laughed and told me their PJ's were already on. Erwin spent Saturday alone shopping, which was also a nice break for him. He had a list, but also time to just wander around and get his holiday shopping done without too many eyes seeing his surprises. I didn't even shower on Saturday.

Sunday was busier, but also very calm. It felt good to have a house full of guests arriving to celebrate the traditions of our American holiday and not be running ragged trying to get everything done. Jari had soccer and won the game, but came home telling me about a fight between the ref and his coach. He was amazed when the ref threw his whistle at his coach. I wish I could have been there...makes soccer exciting, even if it was stressful for my son and he told me he was worried and confused about how to play. It really shouldn't have happened at this level, but Erwin reiterated Jari's story with enthusiasm, even telling about our team delegate getting kicked off the field. And, according to Erwin and Jari, the ref was really being a PITA....calling for the other team (biased? In this case, it seems not).
Jari also had his Sinterklaas celebration at school, and we didn't go with him this year. I felt guilty about it when he arrived home telling about singing for Sint and showing me his bag of candy. But, I had to get dinner ready, the house ready...a mama can't do it all. Kaeden chose not to attend the Sint celebration and stayed home to help me get things ready. And helpful he was. More so than I could have imagined. He had a terrific weekend.

Our family began to arrive for Thanksgiving dinner and to celebrate Erwin's birthday. It was nice to have a house full of guests to bring the spirit of love to the air. We made a menu and asked everyone to write something they were thankful for about each person. Though the task got a few groans, it was fun seeing everyone sitting at the dinner table lit by candle reading what we had all written about each other. Some read their thanks immediately, while others let it sit waiting to savor it for after the meal. It was so nice to take a few minutes of life to really consider what each person means to us.

The meal was fantastic. I was really happy with the quality of the food this year. Still, the most difficult part is getting everything served warm all at once. But, we had a delicious meal with many choices and few leftovers...just enough for one more nice meal this evening. I love doing up the whole shebang. Making it really feel like how I would celebrate at home. The Dutchies in my life think I am nuts, but even as they say it, I *think* they enjoy it as well. I have found that over the years they are much more open to trying new things, and have even loaded plates full and gone back for seconds and even thirds. They love the effort of the holiday and it makes it all worthwhile to me.

After Kaeden said grace, which he asked to do this year and did so beautifully, opa read a poem he had written for the ocassion, and what has become somewhat of a tradition and one i love. His words always hit me to the core, knowing though I may not be with my American family, I am still surrounded by love and support. His poem is beautiful in Dutch, but the words in English are just as meaningful:

Thanksgiving 2009

The years are threaded together to bring us to this day

Where we come together to give thanks

That we have food and drinks with a smile and a tear

And a safe and warm place where we can rest

Together at the table we forget our worries

Because who knows what the future may bring

Live for this day and think about tomorrow

Forget the cares that you heard or saw

As a family, happy to still enjoy each other

Young and old together at this table

Wherever we are in this world, here or in the States

Cherish your family, for you have only one.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And that my friends, sums it up beautifully.