Girlfriends

I smiled, I laughed, and then I cried.  Tears of acceptance through the raw emotion of truth.  She came to me, wrapped her arms around me, and the nervous laughter replaced the tears, until tears of her own began to fall, the reality of more raw emotion.

Girlfriends, those women in my life with whom I share intimate and personal stories, the women who dare not lie to me, but bring me freedom in telling the bitter truth, no matter how much it hurts.

My very best friend in life too far away to share the truth of my everyday existence, oh how I miss her.  It is in these moments that I recognize how very much distance does matter, how a phone call cannot bring me the same feeling of reality I crave from being within the same space, a personal space.  She can no longer wipe away my tears, encompass me in a hug, tell me it will all be okay in the truth of her glance into my eyes.  I miss her, my best friend.  I miss what we have shared, what brought me the joy of having a  best female friend, someone I have come to love more deeply than if I had been given the gift of a sister.  She is a treasure to me, but a treasure just a bit too far away to fully share in my world.  No less important, maybe even more so, but the miles between us are tangible.

I have made new friends, been given the gift of friendship yet again.  I have opened my heart, my past and my future, and shared stories of triumph and struggle.  She looked deep into my eyes as I spoke, a broken soul with a history being honest and sincere, and her eyes never left mine, bored into my soul, allowing me to grieve in a safe place.  She is my friend, a person with whom I can be me and through it all, it will be okay.

We spoke of our husbands, of my children, of our childhoods and of religion.  We talked about spirituality and what it means to us, about simple things like food we eat and clothes we like to wear.  We discussed secrets we have been unable to share before in our relationship, our friendship.  We reached another level of trust, I allowed her into my safe place inside, and she opened her heart to me.

We grabbed another cocktail concoction, green and blue, snacked on some goodies in bowls on the table, the lights dimmed low and music playing in the background.  And we shared this space, these treasured hours in time, deep into the morning hours as we yawned and our eyes became sleepy, and we felt friendship, safety, trust and security.  My girlfriend and I, this person I have chosen to allow into my life, this friend I chose to be mine, this person who has become my sister, my family.

I smiled, I laughed and then I cried.  And though it all, she was present, and I know she will always be so, a present in my life, my friend.

Wedded Bliss

This past weekend, Kaeden attended a wedding. Not only attended, but took part in the wedding ceremony. He passed out the ceremony books and led people to their seats. Then, during the mass, he read pieces of a story. This wedding, it gave me a little piece of something I can't explain. It showed me that my son has a place in the world, and where that place is. It made me see him as an independent young man, fulfilled.

Kaeden came home and told me his teacher was getting married, and that he could attend the ceremony. He was very excited, animated, happy to be part of something so big for someone so important in his life. I hadn't heard anything about this wedding, so wasn't quick to sahre his excitement. I thought maybe his imagine was taking over, as happens often with Kaed. I didn't want him to get his hopes up too high, so answered with a simple: That is nice.

Then, I received a note from his teacher, outlining Kaeden's duties during the ceremony, what time he needed to be at the church. He told me he was preparing Kaeden and his classmates for their part in his wedding. I was initially a bit frustrated by the news, getting it just 2 days before the date. Really, it's something I should have known earlier; what if we had other plans?

However, as my frustration subsided, I felt a sense of acceptance. Acceptance of and for my son. People in his life, whom are important to him, but for whom he is also important to them. A bonding with teachers, everyday people in the world. It gave me great satisfaction, knowing that this tight-knit little group of which Kaeden has been a part for two years now, really is the tight-knit group I have imagined. A class of five young men all with severe behavior problems, learning disabilities, autism, ADHD, and aggression. A class specially designed to keep these kids in school, to help them find their place in the world. Two young male teachers who hold the group together, acting not only as teachers, mentors, guides, but also as friends. They are not

Mr. Teacher, but Timmeke (an endearing form of his name) and Bossie (a nickname). And this group of seven has become my son's world for the time being. A place where he learns, plays, and fights, but then learns how to control his aggression and anger, how to deal with the emotions leftover from a fight.

When I saw Kaeden, his friends, and his teachers at the wedding (my curiosity got the best of me, I couldn't stay away), I recognized that Kaeden is exactly where he needs to be. Yes, he

needs guidance. He is getting it, from this little group. Maybe the teachers are too young to fully understand, they have no kids of their own, have only been teaching a short while. They are smaller than my son and Kaeden pats them on the head. BUT, they are giving him friendship with a twist- they are in control, they are guiding him. And my son fits in perfectly.

Kaeden got up to stand before the mass of people during the ceremony. He and his classmates read a story, each taking different pieces, all of them having a turn. And I heard that their reading wasn't strong, they stuttered and they had diffculty pronouncing words. They shied

away from the mike making it hard to understand. They sounded out words which were too big to get out in one breath. But you know what? They all did it! And they did it in a place where they were not only accepted doing it, but praised for the good job they did. I cried. Because seriously, how many times will my son be given a job so important and be given the chance to shine and do so with a group of people who accept him completely, for who he is, and even celebrate the young man he is.

I thank these young teachers, and specifically Bossie and his bride, for making their wedding a chance to do so much more than bind them in marriage. They also made awareness of kids with differences, and gave them a chance to prove just how great they can be, to shine before a large group of people, to say: Hey, look at me, I am A PART OF THIS SOMETHING BIG!

This little group, it may be small in size, but it's big in something more important: acceptance. And we could all use them as an example to learn from.

Cancer

I'm not quite sure how to feel today. It's a mixed bag of emotions and one side of me is cheering while the other shivers in sadness. Today, one of my dearest friends was given the results of a test proving her liver is cancer-free! Yeah! I am so happy about this. Been praying like crazy that this would be the result. And my prayers have been answered.

But the other side of me is filled with jittery nerves. Though her liver is cancer-free, she is not cancer free. A couple weeks back she was told she has eye cancer. It's not a common form of cancer, but she has it. And because she has eye cancer, on September 28th she will be undergoing surgery and losing her eye and her sight.

I have tried to remain positive as I hear news of her symptoms and doctors visits. I try to think: Please, just let it be only her eye. And it is. But it is her eye. And her sight. And how can I be positive when someone I love is going through such a horrible, life-changing event? I mean, thank God it's "only" her eye, but damn, it's her eye!

My friend seems to be taking this process very well. Really, what else can you do? Life is what it is and it sends a lot of blows our way. This time, it's a whopper. And I just wish I knew what I could say or do to try and make it all okay. But nothing I say or do can make it all okay. It just isn't something that is okay. Someone I love has cancer, and it's already taking a piece of her she loves. It sucks.

I hope that throughout the course of this experience, that at the very least she will come to learn how very much she is cared about and loved. I hope hse knows that I am here for her and will do anything I can to help. That my shoulder is open for a good cry, my mind filled with useless jokes to make her smile. That I am so very sorry this is happening to her and her family.

I can continue to pray. I can buy her her favorite tea. I can show up for lunch with the girls. And I can be here, there, anywhere if and when I am needed.

Cancer, you may be taking her eye, but you will never take her sight, for she sees people as they are and looks at them beyond what an eye can see and accepts them and loves them for who they are. her sight goes beyond her eyes. And that, that you will never take from her.

The Life of 40

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written. Every day I think, "I need to blog about this." But it just never happens. However, life has been happening. And the past number of weeks have been magnificent and good in every single way. I turned forty. I am now officially Óver The Hill' but if being over the hill means having what I have had as of late, I am happy I am here.

First, Jari and I went on our trip to London. It was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing vacations I could have imagined. I got to see my parents and my gramma, and I witnessed the reuniting of two elderly sisters whose love can be touched and made every one of my senses alive. I realized that even being far away in Europe, I have extended family fairly close by and they are all people I can turn to in times of need. They were very welcoming and hospitable and I sincerely enjoyed getting to know them more. And then, Jari and I explored London on our own for two days which was pure enjoyment from dawn til dusk with my little man. Never have I enjoyed him as much as on those two days we shared together, It was a trip I will always hold very close to my heart. When on top of the London eye, my little boy gave me a riddle to solve: "Mama" he said with two thumbs pointed in the air. "Who is somehwere here that has two thumbs and is having the vacation of a lifetime?" he asked. And as I looked at him again, he tilted his thumbs to point at himself and yelled out "ME!" And the delight in his eyes at everything surrounding him and the feeling of his hand in mine as we toured the city will be etched in my mind forever.

Party Number One: With my English family, my son, my parents and my grandmother in our little Roydon vacation house. Streamers complete with 40 decorating our little bungalow, cups of strong, hot tea, and a cake made out of muffins. A birthday Sunday traditional dinner at Morehen "Horse" restaurant complete with Knickerbocker Glory, and then a gift given to me which was like a treasured piece of heaven. A book, made of handcrafted wood boards made by my brother, a gold plaque stating 40 Years of Tera's Memories, and pages filled with photos, messgaes of love, old cards and pictures, baby announcements, awards I accomplished, and the wristband from the hospital when I was born. It was a gift that brought tears to my eyes and made the trip totally complete.

Friday evening, after our trip, Jari and I were playing Lord of the Rings on Playstation when the doorbell rang. I sent Jari downstairs to see who it was and he climbed back up telling me I needed to go down. When I opened the door, 30 people were standing there yelling Surprise and singing Happy Birthday to me, in English. The soccer club had placed the coveted door before my house, with a poem about my life and photos of me welcoming me into the 40 Club. In Belgium, it is tradition to have an old door placed in front of your home every 10 years starting at 30. This was a gift to me. It made me feel as if my life here in Belgium is complete, as if I have been welcomed here and accepted and am now óne of the club'. The poem they wrote showed me that my activities and life in Belgium are numerous when all stacked together in a poem, and that I have found my niche living in this faraway home. What my soccer friends did for me, they will never know, but it really gave me a place where I felt competely home.

Party Number Two: Soccer friends and kids running amuck playing hide and seek, adults conversing with beer and coke and bowls of chips in our humble backyard.

Saturday, breakfast with my guys complete with a vase filled with 40 red roses from my husband and gifts hidden in the yard by my son (a poem written completely by him, he also has a gift for words, and a little paper-created city) before heading off to Helmond Sport stadium for Open Day. My son goes through the soccer circuit, scoring high points. He looks good out there on the field, and my husband and I watch and cheer him on. We buy jerseys for an amazing price of €1 each worn by the players in the previous season. It's a fun afternoon, only just beginning, because my in-laws hosted a birthday dinner for me at their place. Jari and Erwin and Oma made me a fruit cake when we arrived, and we ate it up upon completion, yum! I got some gifts, the highlight being a piece of paper. Written on it was a gift certificate for a trip to Paris! Which is already reserved and arranged for a 3 day adventure this coming weekend. Wow! My sister-in-law came with reading glasses and a guide book for Paris, as well as some spending money. Have I ever said how much my in-laws mean to me, how grateful I am to them for giving me family and love and support? For making me feel special? I think I have said it many times in the past, but it remains strong to this day. They knew I wanted to visit Paris, and they are making that dream happen, for me.

Party Number Three: At oma and opa's house with Ilse and Michel, Tante Ricky and Ome Karel, Omam, Opap, and us. I arrived to find balloons and streamers decoratin the walkway to their home, along with signs stating all the reasons 40 is so great (botox, reading glasses, etc) complete with pictures of Moi! A delicious gourmet dinner, bottles of wine, and good conversation. And they did it all at my request for me. And it touched my heart.

Sunday, slept in late and woke up to get things ready. Party Number Four just around the corner, a BBQ for friends hosted by us. The weather wasn't helpful and we had to shuffle stuff around, and my husband helped to create a wonderful little BBQ world in rain-filled skies. The food was good and way too plentiful (as always), and my home was filled with friends and laughter and stories of life. I received another gift, another gift that cannot be replaced and will always touch me deeply. A photo book of my life, pictures of me growing up and now, with friends and family, me smiling and being goofy (and even a little naughty). And on those pages were also letters written to me by all these people I have crossed paths with in my life, people I have come to know and many of whom have become a second family to me. These pages filled my heart with joy. In my 40 years here on earth, I have found a good mix, a good balance, and a good basis for a wonderful life. I have been truly blessed, and from the words on those pages I have also blessed others with my presence. It is a special gift to know you have touched others lives, and this book was testament that I have. I had to put my book down to collect myself as tears filled my eyes. I am loved, oh so loved, and by so many people. What a wonderful gift.

Party Number....nope, no more parties. 40 has come and will remain til 41, and with it I have realized what a gift my life is. I am blessed, truly. Life is a party. You have to bring out the party hats and streamers and make each day alive, find that sunshine and make it glow. I think 40 has given me another new start, a place to start fresh knowing my life is complete (even tho I miss my other son who is loving every minute of his vacation in America!). Happy Birthday to me, and Thank you to all of you in it with me. Much love!

The Gift of Giving

We have some friends who are going through a rough spot in life. Financially they are in deep distress. Though I may not agree with their values when it comes to money or their dealings with their financial issues, the fact remains that they are in a state of despair. And they are good friends who have always been there for us when we need help.

This week, after a lengthy chat with my girlfriend, I decided I needed to somehow step in and try to ease the burden they are feeling during the holidays. Who can celebrate Christmas with having so many worries etched in your mind? So, I took it upon myself to ask a couple friends from our little group if they would be interested in helping me achieve a little spirit of Christmas. They both agreed to step up and did so more fuitfully than I could have imagined.

Yesterday was the big shopping trip. I explained to the boys that becuase our friends are having trouble, we were going to go shopping and buy them a whole bunch of groceries. They both asked questions. Why are they in trouble? How much are we going to spend? As well as the comments as we shopped: Is this WHOLE cart for them? Do they have to pay us back? Can I get them this? They're not gonna believe this when they see it.

As we loaded at least a couple weeks, probably more, of groceries in the cart, I was filled with a great sense of happiness. This is what was meant to happen. This is what Christmas is all about. This is what the true spirit of Christmas means. Every item I placed in the cart, I thought through. If I was in a state of need, would this be something I could use? Is this something she usually buys to make for dinner? Oh, he loves these, let's get two. The cats, they need to eat too. And, Erwin even threw in a Chocolate Santa at the end, for good measure.

Our purchases were made as both boys loaded the groceries onto the conveyor belt and then back into our cart. Both were completely active in the entire process. As was my husband, who was a bit more hesitant about this good deed we were doing, but still agreed to my antics. With the car completely loaded, to the brim, we set off for their home to deliver our package of Christmas cheer.

The boys entered their home with first a card, telling them they have people who love them, people who care, people who wish to ease the burden of their worries. And as we started carrying boxes of food and personal care products and cleaning supplies into the home, my boys smiled through the entire process even though it was -10 degrees and bitter cold.

Something big was learned from this process. Something wonderful happened last night. I am so thankful for my friends who also made this happen, and only wish they could have been there as well to see the disbelief, and feel the sobs as I hugged my friend, and then again her husband. I hope it gives them the chance to pick themselves up and realize it will be okay.

When we got home, my boys made pictures for Santa Claus. Though I know the boys leanred a good lesson of giving, here's what Kaeden made for Santa...he likes to receive, as much as he likes to give :-)

Thanksgiving Surpries

Thanksgiving. A strange concept when you aren't living in a place it is typically celebrated. I give thanks daily for all I have in my life deserving of my thanks. But on a special day dedicated just for this purpose, it was strange to find the rest of the 'world' going on with business as usual, when all I wanted to do was help prepare turkey dinner, enjoy family, play some games, and maybe head to the mountains with my dad like we did when I was a kid.

So, because we always make certain to make a celebration of Thanksgiving honoring American traditions, but also knowing this year it falls on Sunday, I took celebration into my own hands (with a friend of course). We, the Americans in Holland. We, two expat women looking to find some tradition in a day just like every other.

I went into Holland with my husband after dropping Jari off at daycare. He dropped me off at the train station and I took it into the shopping center where I had one hour to do my own version of Black Friday before catching the train again to meet up with my girlfriend. When I arrived in Helmond, I had this excitement wash over me...it was Thanksgiving, and I was celebrating...with someone special in a non-traditional way.

When I saw her come walking toward me I forgot for a moment that it was Thanksgiving, and we started laughing and chatting, as friends are akin to do. Suddenly we both looked at each other and chanted: Happy Thanksgiving! We both laughed waiting for our bus to take us to her home. We were together, even as we were both mourning the loss of our holiday in our homeland with our family surrounding us. We were both homesick, but after a spell talking and relaxing, that feeling started to subside. I realised that though I wasn't surrounded by my family, I was surrounded by people I care about and who care about me. Here, I have created an extended family for myself, with special friends I treasure. And I was sharing this day with one of these people I remembered a wooden sign I had brought back for her once from the states saying: Friends are the Family You Choose For Yourself. Or something along those lines.

It is so very true. Family is family. Our expectations are that they will always be there in our lives, and often that doesn't turn out to be the case. And it devastates us. But friends whom we choose, those we aren't expected to give our heart, those we decide are worthy of our love, they are the ones who sincerely stand by your side.

We sat eating turkey sandwiches and then watched a movie (Twilight...I FINALLY got to see it...yeah!) and then chatted some more before I headed back to the train station in the rain. But I wasn't hiding tears streaming down my face as the rain mingled with them...I was feeling completely fulfilled with a gladness and thankfulness different thqn I expected to have on Thanksgiving. I had spent the day being reminded what I really have to give thanks for. And as I climbed back in the car when my husband collected me from the train, I knew that my family has grown since my move to Europe. My family includes some very special friends.

Exploring Europe

Welllll, I have been busy! It is a good busy, entertaining a girlfriend from 'home'. She arrived Sunday and we're off exploring Europe. I always love hearing someone exclaim at all the interesting things they notice about the differences between Europe and America. I have forgotten many, and it reminds me again from where I have come, and how far I have gone. Both literally and mentally. It makes me appreciate all I have been handed on my plate, the good life I have built for myself and my family. And it makes me feel proud, seeing my achievements through another woman's eyes.

We have thus far visited a cathedral, a castle, cube houses, Erwin's parents, a war museum, a Yugoslavian restaurant with all my girliefriends in attendance. She's been here 2 days. Think I made a full-schedule? You bet! I love sharing my new home with people, giving them the same adventures I once only dreamed about. Knowing that when a friend comes here, they are being given an opportunity to live a new culture, see new things, and beome better world citizens, be more understanding of the differences between people, or maybe the complete spin, and how we're all the same.

Tammy has been my friend for 13 years. We have weathered many a storm together, and shared much love and many smiles in our book of life. We have also shared many tears. Yesterday, while circling through teh war museum, we shared more tears, looking at the pictures of the war cemetaries, people standing beside soldiers protecting them from harm. Europe is alive with history. The tanks and planes that served in WWII show how two separate worlds came together to do big things, to bring conclusion to a disastrous world Hitler initiated.

And now, standing on European soil, Tammy is able to do big things as well. No tanks are needed, no planes dropping bombs. With her eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and hands, she is experiencing life as Europeans experience life. She is learning, about people and countries and cultures. She is taking it all in, and will go home with a new insight into life. It is something she will never forget. It is something that is stronger than war. It is understanding.

I am glad I am a part of making this all happen...and I am glad I have my girliefriend by my side.

Just A Different Kind of Tuesday

Tuesday, I woke early and got everyone off to school, work, and the train so I could share a day out with my girlfriend. We headed to a town not far from our normal haunt, but someplace else entirely and quickly realized we had made a mistake in our choosing. There was nothing to do. Not even any of the cafe's we came across were open. So, we walked through the rain and finally discovered a nature store open. Went in and had a peek around and ended up buying flaxseed oil. Why not give it a shot. Maybe I can remember something longer than a day. We then got back in the car and went to the outlet mall. There, we ended up shoe shopping, and though neither of us found anything we loved enough to buy (or was in our price range...darn Dolce and the 250 euro pink heels!), we had a fun time poking around. We made McD's our lunch stop, which was just what we both needed. Over lunch, the conversation was everything I needed. Girl talk. Two friends baring their hearts. A few misty eyes and many laughs. Friendship. Just what girls need. We headed back to the car in a flurry of snow that was already sticking to the pavement. Brrr....

And then we found the kringloopwinkel (second hand store). These are my very favroite places to shop. Sometimes you can find just what you need without knowing you needed it. I got a few English books which is always welcome, esp as I just finished my other 2 books this week. And a brand new set of Valentine's Day dice which I plan to extend to my husband and actually use them...Kiss, Lick, Touch...sounds like a winning combination to me. We'll see where it leads.

After dropping Lisa off at the train so she could return home, I headed to do some grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping when I have time and no kids with me. I can linger in the aisles and pick up bits and pieces while planing meals in my head. It's like a little excusrion for me. Pick up soem mushrooms, head to the meats, decide I don't need mushrooms and return them only to grab a piece of fresh ginger for something different. And since I wasn't hungry from my McD's lunch, not all that garbage made it's way into the cart. Which means it's also not littering my shelves givign me an opportunity to munch on junk the whole day through.

I then ran into yet another second hand store and found a BIG mailbox. Just what we need and have been considering buying for awhile. I was planning to hang it and surprise my husband. The tag said 4 euro: Keys at cashier. I paid for my mailbox feeling all proud about my terrific find, when I asked for the keys. Nope, no keys. Sorry. They pulled off teh sticker and handed me my box. I don't want it, I told them. What am I gonna do with a mailbox that has no key. Put a new lock on it, he told me. No thanks, too much work and expense for a used mailbox that will be scratched up by the time I am through getting a new lock on. Just retuen my money please. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I used my debit card and they didn't know how to credit the amount. Finally, after 15 minutes and me checking my watch as I had kids to pick up before daycare closed and another arrived home from the bus, I got the refund in change.

Off to pcik up the kids, got home and groceries put away. Kaeden made dinner, which he did amazingly well and completely alone. Spaghetti, with fresh mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers...his sauce turned out a bit runny, and his use of salt was too minimal, but otherwise it was delicious. Jari gave him a 9/10, and his eyes twinkled brightly!

Then we ran to pick Papa up from the train. Drove over our old bridge and looked at all teh trees they removed, all the piles of dirt for the arrival of our new bridge. Waited at the trainstation for a running-late train and danced and sang with my kids. The music was loud and thumping and my kids were happy little dance monsters as we all used our microphone hands to sing to our hearts content. Song on repeat...over and over...Lightning Crashes. We had fun. Saw Erwin walk out the other doors to our normal pick-up point, but we were parked in a differnt place today. Kaeden ran to get him and he climbed in back. The entire way home he did nothing but complain about my driving. Instead of getting irritated, I got sad. Why can't my husband just accept me. I nearly never drive...just once let me enjoy the experience, let me do it my way. I was going too slow, following the speed limit. We'd have been home by now if you wouldn't drive like an old lady. The happiness of my day out and play with my kids was stripped from me. The evening between us didn't improve and I ended up in bed early, anger stewing from within.

I realized my husband and I have some work to do on our relationship. Talked to him about it yesterday. We have to be kinder to each other, more giving, more accepting. Both of us have gotten to a point where we just don't care, trudge through life, not sharing those intimate moments with each other. It's time to crack down and put each otehr first, give our love and time, be happy together. I'm feeling refreshed, holding out hope for change, positive change.

So, that was my Tuesday. Just a little something different in my daily life. It was fun to be with a friend. It was fun to let loose with my kdis. It was fun to have use of the car. It was fun to shop. It was refreshing . A good day. And an even better future within my sight.

The Neighbor Boy

Jari got out of school and immediately I heard his pleas: Please, mama, please can Jakub come and play. I already asked him. Please can he come play today?

I enjoy it when my kids have friends to play with. And I welcome a chance for them to share time with their friends. However, this particular friend is here every day, from the minute school lets out until after I send him home when our dinner is ready to eat. He lives just across the street from us, and it's a very convenient friendship. I like Jakub, I really do. He's a nice kid and never causes me any problems. He is polite...but he is NOT MY KID! And he's here far too often.

So, when Jari pleaded with me to have his friend come, I told him No, Jakub was just here ALL day yesterday, and teh day before that you had another friend here, and the day before that Jakub was here, and now I want a break from other people's kids!

Just as we were discussing why I didn't want a kid here this afternoon, the doorbell rang. Jakub was standing there, with the same pleading 'Can I play?' in his eyes that my own son was also giving me.

I reluctantly opened the door further, and told him he could play for a little while.

And that is when he gave me a HUGE smile, his blonde hair shining, his eyes twinkling and handed Jari a sucker.

"It's my very last sucker and I saved it just for Jari because he's my very best friend!" Jakub said, putting his arm around my son's shoulders. "We're best friends, huh Jari?"

As I saw the two boys embrace, their eyes sparkling with friendship, I decided maybe it's no so bad afterall. He entertains my son, they play well together, and he gives my son confidence and self-esteem and happiness. So, I pay up in cookies and drinks and finding things for them to do, but what a small price to pay to see two little boys happy, learning what it means to be giving and loving; learning what it means to share and to be a true friend.

How To Say Goodbye?

Back years ago I had a friend. She was stunningly beautiful, with long, curly dark hair, a perfect size 6 body, and a Louisiana accent to boot. She wasn't just a friend, but my sister found...and every spare minute we had, we spent it together. Her name was Mechelle.

When I was 18 I quit college, packed up my belongings, and headed off on my first long term away-from-home adventure. I put a lot of thought into how to make my first adventure work, and it took me in the direction of New York, where a family awaited me as their nanny. I loved children and knew that I would do a good job as a nanny. The family I had contact with was very different from my own, and yet we immediately fell into a comfortable existence, from the first phone calls. I was signed up with a nanny agency, and after going through thorough testing was approved to be a nanny. And, this family was interested in me. With a 4-year-old son and a 2-month-old daughter, as well as two parents in upper-class, high stress jobs, I found myself not only away from home, but away from everything familiar. Living with them was not like heading out to the woods to cut trees with my dad, or heading over to the station to visit our regular customers with my mom. It was a different lifestyle. And it was also a different region of America. I was living on Long Island, with traffic jams and green grass and the ocean just around the bend. It was a new start for a teen desiring adventure and a something different. It fulfilled my desires for adventure and excitement and gave me that sense of who I was. It was there that I found myself.

And Long Island is where I met Mechelle. We worked for the same nanny agency and I was asked to pick her up and bring her to one of our monthly meetings, as she lived in the same area as I did. I had been with my family for a couple months, and was desiring friendships which hadn't yet formed. I was thrilled to find someone that I may be able to discover New York and the east coast with. And on the night of our meeting, I tentatively went to pick her up.

We hit it off imeediately. After our first encounter, there was no separating us. We got together with our kids, we got together in the evenings, we got together in the weekends, when we would often camp out at one or another's home, and we made more friends. We shared thousands of adventures together, and discovered a friendship that was truly something special. We talked and talked and got to know each other to the cores of our beings. And I loved her, as she did me.

When, 3 years after I first started working for my NY family (as I still call them today, the boy now 22, the girl now 19), Mechelle and I decided that it was time to start life on our own, go back to school and find ourselves a career, we chose to move to Colorado together. I have always loved Colorado, and I knew Mechelle would as well. So, after telling our families goodbye, we were off, back to the West of the US, and another new start.

If I go into too much detail, this will become a book, but we found an apartment, found jobs, signed up for school, and began life together In Colorado, my second-hand car our mode of transport, and our second-hand furnishings lovingly restored by our own hands. We often headed to Laramie in the weekend to visit my family, where we were both always welcome. And our life was terrific for more than a year, when things started going wrong.

Mechelle met a man. And they got pretty serious pretty quickly. And from the outside, he seemed okay. But, as I soon found out, he was into drugs, and pulled my friend Mechelle into that lifestyle as well. She lost her job, dropped out of her classes, and found comfort only in partying and being with her druggie boyfriend. I can only tell of my side of things that happened, but our friendship started to dissolve. I'm sure it was a two-way street, and I know I was jealous of the time they spent together, when before it was always Mechelle and Tera, Tera and Mechelle. But anyway, after a few months, we were like two strangers living in the same home, with her boyfriend an added addition to our little family. And then lightning struck, and we parted ways...and since 1994 we have had no contact.

The past number of years, I have been trying to locate Mechelle. I have had no leads, other than an old address of one of her sisters in Louisiana. And I sent a letter there, with no answer received. Then, yesterday, as I was surfing the net, I came across an old ancestry page where I had left a message a few years back asking if anyone knew Mechelle, where she was, or how I could contact her. And there was a reply. From her niece.

It was not, however, the happy jovial reply I was hoping to receive. I wasn't going to be reunited with my best friend of the good ole days. She was dead. In 2004 she was hit by a car in Fort Collins, Colorado. And she was buried in Louisiana, after suffering brain damage from the accident. It seems she had not been in contact with her family much, but her boyfriend paid to have her transported back to Louisiana. She was not married, and had no children. But she is now flying among angels in the clouds, and I am feeling a bit let down. And wondering what happened, what her life was like, what she accomplished and if she managed to free herself from the life of drugs and mishaps? I feel a great sense of loss, even though we haven't been in contact for years. I feel a tiny piece of me has been torn away, that hope of renewing our friendship now shuffled into a closed up box in the back of my soul.

Mechelle, I hope you had a good life. I hope you were happy and given the opportunity to share much laughter in your too-short time here on earth. And I hope that all the pain is now gone, and that you are enjoying fluttering on angel clouds watching us all from above. And seeing me, as I think about you, and all the wonderful times we shared togehter as two lost souls looking for companionship and warmth. I miss you. And I love you, still.

Rest In Peace My Dear Friend.