Calling Wyoming Home

I am now HOME. Yes, it does feel like home to me when I view the beauty of the mountains from my front porch, see the blue skies and billions of stars stare back at me form the night sky. When I sleep in MY bedroom that has been mine since I was just a girl and cook dinner in the kitchen where I know the place of each utensil. Yes, this is home, the place I grew up and loved as a child and young adult, where I come back to with my own family and share with them the stories of my childhood. And yes, I love being home, where I can wake to the sound of my parents talking in the morning, the sound of my dad's truck entering the driveway at night...where I know I am loved and accepted without regards to anything else in the world. And yet, home is no longer home...I have my own home, my own family, my own bed and kitchen with a different layout than the one here, with views of a thousand year old church tower rather than the mountains. I love both of my homes, and I am caught between two lives, both of which bring me contentment in differing ways. I am no longer that childhood girl worrying about good gardes and parties, but a mother and wife with financial worries and children with their own worries to cope with. How did I get to this point in my life?

My parents are overworked and stressed to the max. Never in my life have I been so conscious of how hard they work. Never in my life have I been so worried about their choice of work ethics. Never in my life have I felt so relieved that I don't have to be them. As much as I love them both and appreciate all they do and have done to bring me to the point I am in my life today, I am scared that they are working too hard and will bury themselves in this day in day out battle to succeed. As far as I'm concerned they have achieved much more than they know, and now is their time to slow down and take time to enjoy some of their success. They work too hard, yet when I speak with them about it, I understand why they have to. Yet, I wish they didn't do it...I am too scared to lose them and being home I know just how very much I still need them.

I'm also in a bit of an uproar with regards to my brother. I don't understand where our relationship has gone wrong, yet there is such pain when I think about the point we have reached. I so much want a relationship with him and my niece, nephew, and sister in law, yet I feel so totally pushed away, so alienated from them, that I am scared when the phone rings, my hopes reaching an all-time high when I think it may be him, then falling when it isn't...yet scard to answer the phone because I just won't know what to say. I have left him messages telling him I'm in town, with no respoonse which tears at my heart. I have come thousands of miles to see him (and all of my othre family as well) yet he can't make the effort to give just that little bit. I just don't know where we will go from here, but at this moment, I ache. I ache for my parents even more than myself, what this relationship is doing to them, tearing at them, giving them more pain than they can bear. Where did our family go wrong? What can we do to make it right? How can I show my love without pushing too hard to push him even further away. I love you, little brother, and I care more than you can even imagine. Please give me a chance, let me show you that I am worthy of your love, your presence...

I am so happy to be here, in America, sharing all this space with my children. I have so many stories to share, and will when I have more time (and NO dial-up!!! hahaha). I took pictures of the Wyoming WIldlife on our 4 day camping trip to the woods...when you see those, you will know the peace that fills my heart and soul, and what being home means. What it means to my children and the stories they will share when they bring their own children back to these Wyoming plains. Take me home, country roads, to the place, where I belong....