Confrontation

I keep learning as I age. Sometimes it's a whole lot of fun and other times it simply sucks. What I never learned as a child was how to voice my feelings in a positive manner, and that has led to many faults throughout my road of life. When something is bothering you, the very best manner of making it better is to talk about it. I'm not good at this as I hate the conflict and confrontation that follow. I'd rather put on a happy face and pretend there is no pain, but eventually it all catches up with you and turns into a full-blown argument. Not good. But, I am learning and I am doing better with this problem, though I am far from being that person I hope to one day become. I look up to those people that have the power to face conflict. They create an atmosphere for themselves and those around them that may be uncomfortable for the moment, but clear and free of those troubles nagging the back of our minds, causing us more stress than necessary in our already stress-filled lives.

This week I confronted two situations that were bothering me. The first I did on my own, discussing with a very good friend the problems that her being late is causing in our friendship. I wish I had done it sooner as she wasn't even aware of the strain it was causing in our relationship. But now she has the chance to change and our friendship can go forth in a much more healthy manner. In this discussion there were a few shed tears, but nothing was out of control and it was in a very loving manner that this confrontation ensued and ended. We'll both be much stronger for it.

The second scenario was much heftier and more difficult. There were more people involved and I lost my temper in an explosive manner that always makes me feel so little and alone. Still, it was definitely necessary as much conversation followed bringing about issues that have been held deep in my heart for a long time. It is not fair to the person with whom I have a problem to not let them know my feelings...then they have no room to consider my point of view and change. However, once they know my feelings, they are empowered to make changes in strengthening the relationship. And, it gives them a chance to voice their own worries and opinions and give me a chance to consider their point of view. Once you confront the situation, the ball is in their court and they already know your expectations, and it's up to them to decide what to do, no longer laying the leaded feeling on your shoulders.

Anyway, I come home tonight with a heavy heart. Though the confrontation has been long in the works, it was done without the loving and respectful manner every person deserves. Because anger also played a part in this conflict, there was not a positive resolution, though I do feel that one will come eventually with time. People mean too much to hold it all inside. The pain and anger that you let go comes upon them too suddenly and there is nothing for them to do other than react negatively back towards you, protect themselves, with issues of their own. Even through all of this, the confrontation was positive in that it released all that built-up negativity and gave me a chance to sit back and look at the part I play in the problem. I only hope that we can resolve this further by reaching out to each other and remembering the good we each possess. Even if our relationship never comes full circle, we can still live in harmony, still pay each other the respect we deserve, and understand each other a bit more completely.

Conflict and confrontation is not something I enjoy. What I am learning is that it is a necessary part of life and something I need to improve within myself. One confrontation can lead to change while bottling it all up just accumulates more and more problems. And who needs more of those with all that life already throws our way?