and I know when I'll be back again. But as the time draws nearer, I'm getting more nervous about going. I am excited about seeing my family and sharing in the anniversary celebration of my grandparents. I'm happy I get to take part and be there for my gramma's birthday, to help decorate the hall, and even do a little shopping to bring back my favorite American goodies. I'm glad my parents will be arriving at the same time as me and we'll have a few hours to just talk and share companionship before greeting all the other visitors. I'm glad I'll have the chance to hold my little nephew and see his smiles and listen to him gurgle his sweet baby music. I'm blessed to have all of this to look forward to.
Yet, another side of me is worried. I know that my husband can handle the household for a few days, but never in his life has he been alone with my two guys for the amount of time he will on this vacation. I know how difficult Kaeden can be and I also know how difficult Erwin finds it to accept Kaeden's disabiding nature. I trust my husband, but when he knows I am concerned and makes jokes about how he's going to handle things while I'm gone, I feel like turning in my ticket and my chance at sharing in all the above happiness. Maybe he just doesn't get how real my concerns are to me. Maybe he thinks I'm a bit possessed by worries that may never happen. Maybe he thinks he can shape up our problems spending 5 days in mama's shoes. But whatever he thinks, all I hope is that I come back home and return to 3 happy guys that made it through with no real grief. I just wish I could expect peace. But as much as I like to dream and fantasize, reality is only one little step away...and peace is something that is lacking in our little family. I am nervous.
I am going to continue to hope that my distance will bring great things and let Erwin and Jari and Kaeden bond further...have that guy thing going on and have a bunch of fun without mama around. I am going to hope that Kaeden's tantrums stay at bay long enough to let Erwin see the wonderful young man that I do. I am going to hope that Kaeden and Jari play like the best of friends they sometimes are, and that their brotherly love/hate relationship leaves itself for another rainy week. I'm going to hope that Erwin is the loving, capable father I know him to be, and can tuck my boys in bed each night with a kiss and a meaningful "I love you."
So, these nerves of mine are churning double time as I count down the days to Wednesday. They are churning in excitement and worries, and both are making me feel a bit displaced. There are two sides to every story, and I as experience this within the confines of my own body, I hope that I can remember that in the relationship between all my guys as well. It's going to be okay, and we're all going to have another new experience to add to our book of life.