When Things Go Wrong

as they sometimes will, and the road you battle seems all uphill...

Yeah, don't quit. Sometimes being a parent I feel like such a failure and just want to quit. But I can't. I carried these children in my womb, I gave them life, and I now have to raise them to adulthood. But it sure ain't easy. At this point in time, I wan't to quit. I am so sick of the constant fighting, the whining, the meanstreaks, being disrespected, and called names I wouldn't consider letting pass my lips. I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong, and my kids are turning out to be nasty little hooligans. I just feel helpless and hopeless and don't know what to do. I really can't stand my kids lately. I never expected to have such mean brats...and that's exactly what they are.

So, how do I turn them around? How do I begin setting them up to be good citizens? How can I teach them right from wrong? When Kaeden was a baby, I refused to spank. I still don't like it and think it sends a wrong message, and I don't like what it does to my kdis, how they back away in fear from me. But sometimes, it makes an impact and it's the only time they look at me with as someone to be looked up to. How can I get that same result without using spanking as the medium?

Jari has always been a stubborn, but great kid. Lately, he is the meanest, snottiest little brat that lives on the planet. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, as I know he's elarning a lot from his big brother, and sometimes I worry that living with autism is wreaking havok on his little brain....I know it does on his body. But at the same time, that's the way it is darn it all, you have to live with this and you have to get beyond it. Don't treat me in the exact manner you yourself hate to be treated. At five years old, you treat me as I would expect (hmm, this sounds terrible) a teenager to rebel against his parents. I'm so sick of fighting with him.

Kaeden and his nasty mouth has gotten the best of me. I can't believe some of the words he uses that I just accept as normal. How many 12-year-olds are there in the world that would get away with calling their mother a fat whore? Or a big bitch...something along the lines of "Fuck you, you big bitch. You are such a fat whore." as he runs to his room, for something like, oh, being asked to pick up his wet towel and put it in the bathroom. And his strength scares me. I am fearful that he is going to really hurt someone sometime...and I would never forgive myself if that happened to be his little brother, whom is on the receiving end of the majority of his brute force.

Erwin and I are constantly at odds over parenting, but neither of us is doing the right thing. Both of us knows what we're doing is not working, but we just don't know how to change it. We don't know how to deal with the crisis that is part of life everyday in our home. We don't know how to parent an autistic child and his little brother that copies his every move. And I get so angry at Erwin when he stoops to their level, treating them as he is being treated, disrespectfully and flat out mean. Yet, why shouldn't he? Why should he be thrown all that brattiness his way and be expected to react any differently? I just don't know. And that's such a huge problem.

At the moment, I am hating being a parent. I wish I had never signed on to this life-long contract. But I did. When I chose to give these children life, I chose to do my very best to rear them to become men, men that are happy, healthy, and secure. But they forgot to give me the manual when I signed on that dotted line, and still there's no turning back. I am stuck being their mom, and I only hope that there comes a day again soon when their kisses, laughter, and funny comments can make me see that I made a good choice, and put their bratty, mean, snotty ways into the background of my life. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I flip out.

1 comment:

tlawwife said...

I think that you are probably being a little hard on yourself. There is no manual for being a parent because all children are different and they all need to be disciplined in different ways. I wonder if the bad language is a byproduct of his autism. That doesn't make it ok but could help you understand that he might not mean it but hasn't learned how to control it yet.

I believe all people who are mean are looking for one of a couple of things. They are looking for power. By getting you to react they gain power over you. Or they are looking for a way to feel better about themselves. If you are small then they are bigger than you.

I can't really help you to know what to do because you have differnt problems than I did. I can tell you that I believe you are right in that you and Erwin need to be on the same page. You need to know you can count on each other and the boys need to know that you will back each other up. (In front of them anyway). In my life there were countless times I either met Terry at the door and left or called him up to yell at his kids because I was at my wits end. He always backed me up. One time he grounded Jeremy from milk. This was dumb although it was his favorite drink. I just conveniently forgot about it a day later. I always tried to make sure the kids weren't around when I disagreed with him. That way they didn't see me overriding him. He did the same with me.

I know it is hard for you. I will pray for you.