I want to quit feeling so angry all the time. When my family all walked out of the house this morning, I just sat down on the steps and cried my eyes out. When everyone is here, I can't wait for them to be gone, but as soon as they are gone, I feel so empty and alone, and get so mad that I have to sit in this miserable house alone yet another day of my life. If I didn't have to go out, I think I would live in my pyjamas unshowered and feeling miserable for days on end. I fly off the handle so easily and my temper is just so fragile. I hate how I react to my family. I wish I could be the same person I used to be...I used to be so carefree and happy and satisfied with my life. I could handle problems when they came my way. Now I seem to just create issues that aren't even there and then can't deal with it all. I love my three guys so very much, but I don't let them know often enough, because I let this brewing anger hold me back from happiness. What is wrong with me? Why can't I allow myself to just be happy? Why can't I give the three most important people in my life the comfort they deserve from me? There is so much I could be doing in my life, for me, for my family, for my health and for our happiness, but instead I whiddle away my days accomplishing nothing. I feel like such a failure. To myself, as a wife, and as a mom. All things I used to take such pride in.

It's just one of those days. I have a massive headache, I have a lingering cold, and I feel like I could puke every time I stand up. Even the sunshine isn't giving me hope and peace today. Maybe I should just go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. At least in a state of sleep, I wouldn't have to think and be disgusted by myself any more.

Some days I just want to go home. Back to America, where my life seemed so much more stable. If I could I would just pack up my belongings, sell my house, and be gone. I wouldn't have to try so hard to fit in, try so hard to understand and be understood, I could find a job and go off to someplace where i interacted with other people and come home refreshed and then give my family and home attention. I miss my homeland, and the family and friends I associate with America. On days like today, that's even more evident. At least I could be an American living the American dream (whatever that is???) and fit in as an American.

I know I shouldn't complain. I have a near-perfect life with everything I could ask for. I live a life of comfort but I just feel like such an outsider. And with that heavy on my heart, all the goodness I have is easily stripped away and I have nothing left of me to give. I don't feel the happiness I am deserving of, and have every access to. What a pity party for one, huh?

1 comment:

tlawwife said...

I so understand your feelings. I have been exactly where you are. I wish I could tell you how to find happiness where you are but that is not something that one person can tell another. I can't even really tell you what made it better for me. I think probably as the kids got older and I got the opportunity to go out and work and be a part of womens groups etc.

I am not a natural born housecleaner type of person so when I didn't feel good I didn't keep the house clean and then when Terry came home I felt worse. I still am not good at that but I know when I do it I do it for me.

One thing I know about me is that the bad times come in cycles. We learned to see the signs of a down cycle. When that happens I recognize it, acknowledge it, and know that it will pass. During those times I shut down and only do what I have to. They don't last as long as they used to and I think that it is partly because I recognize them and know that it will pass. Therefore they don't get the best of me. My husband has learned also when they are and he compensates for me during that time, or points it out to me so that I can try to get past it.

Looking for the good out there is important to getting past your down times. Writing or speaking, or going where know one can hear you and yelling and crying can help too. Expressing yourself even if you are the only one who hears helps one to process their feelings and move on. I used to get in the car and yell and scream and cry until I was exhausted and then I would go home and feel better.

Hang in there. God has blessed you and put you where you are for a reason. Allow yourself downtime. I will pray for you.