I want to quit feeling so angry all the time. When my family all walked out of the house this morning, I just sat down on the steps and cried my eyes out. When everyone is here, I can't wait for them to be gone, but as soon as they are gone, I feel so empty and alone, and get so mad that I have to sit in this miserable house alone yet another day of my life. If I didn't have to go out, I think I would live in my pyjamas unshowered and feeling miserable for days on end. I fly off the handle so easily and my temper is just so fragile. I hate how I react to my family. I wish I could be the same person I used to be...I used to be so carefree and happy and satisfied with my life. I could handle problems when they came my way. Now I seem to just create issues that aren't even there and then can't deal with it all. I love my three guys so very much, but I don't let them know often enough, because I let this brewing anger hold me back from happiness. What is wrong with me? Why can't I allow myself to just be happy? Why can't I give the three most important people in my life the comfort they deserve from me? There is so much I could be doing in my life, for me, for my family, for my health and for our happiness, but instead I whiddle away my days accomplishing nothing. I feel like such a failure. To myself, as a wife, and as a mom. All things I used to take such pride in.
It's just one of those days. I have a massive headache, I have a lingering cold, and I feel like I could puke every time I stand up. Even the sunshine isn't giving me hope and peace today. Maybe I should just go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. At least in a state of sleep, I wouldn't have to think and be disgusted by myself any more.
Some days I just want to go home. Back to America, where my life seemed so much more stable. If I could I would just pack up my belongings, sell my house, and be gone. I wouldn't have to try so hard to fit in, try so hard to understand and be understood, I could find a job and go off to someplace where i interacted with other people and come home refreshed and then give my family and home attention. I miss my homeland, and the family and friends I associate with America. On days like today, that's even more evident. At least I could be an American living the American dream (whatever that is???) and fit in as an American.
I know I shouldn't complain. I have a near-perfect life with everything I could ask for. I live a life of comfort but I just feel like such an outsider. And with that heavy on my heart, all the goodness I have is easily stripped away and I have nothing left of me to give. I don't feel the happiness I am deserving of, and have every access to. What a pity party for one, huh?