1.25.2008

Unsettled

Things here are weird. My mind is all jumbled up with lotsa stuff. I am so forgetful and it makes me wonder if I have the early stages of dementia. Seriously. It kinda scares me. The past few years I have noticed myself becoming more and more forgetful. I used to be able to remember everything and nothing really bothered me. But now, I worry that I am losing my mind...and not in that funny, lighthearted sense either. It's been a struggle for me, and one I have been considering for some time, but haven't been able to express out of pure fear. But I figure, hey, what the heck, this is me, take me as I am, faults and all. I need to talk about this, as it's really driving me crazy. I am worried about myself.

I manage to forget the simplest of things. Sure, everyone forgets stuff once in awhile, but this forgetting I've been doing just seems a bit unnatural. Things like not being able to find my keys because I put them in the fridge. Not remembering an appointment even though I have looked at my calendar 5 times throughout the course of the day. Getting another cup of coffee even though I have just made one. Making Erwin's lunch even though he's reminded me that he has a lunch meeting that day. Forgetting Jari's swim gear for swimming even though I have just read his school agenda. Giving Kaeden a full lunch on Wednesday even though he always comes home for lunch on that day. Forgettting conversations that Erwin and I have had which he must completely repeat before I even have a glimpse of them taking place.

I try to keep it all organised by writing everything on my calendar. But even that has a way of getting all jumbled up. Sometimes, I think it's because I have so many little appointments to remember that I just have too much going on in my head. And sometimes, I attribute it to the state of my mental being, such as too much stress in my life to keep the simple things all at the forefront. Other times I wonder if I would start drinking more water if it comes from lack of being sufficiently hydrated. Or maybe if I would exercise more it would balance my mind better. Or if it comes from not having enough challenges to keep my mind working adequately, such as a job and social affairs. I really don't know if it's just one of the above, a combination of them all, or if something is truly medically the culprit.

What I do know is that I can't sleep well worrying about the state of my mental health. I get angry at myself and others quickly as a result of my forgetfulness. I find myself often in a state of tears because I have once again done something stupid due to my forgetting something important. I feel like my mind is failing me. And I am scared to discuss this with a doctor, as I am afraid they'll do tests and discover that I really do have the beginning stages of Alzheimers or something. It's a battle I fight within myself on a daily basis.

I'm not sure why I wanted to write about this today. Maybe because when I looked at my calendar I know that there are a few appointments missing that I need to try to remember so I can write them down before they are also forgotten adn I must make new ones. Or maybe because I am finally allowing myself to be realistic about the fact that this is a reality for me and I need to do something about it before it gets even worse. Whatever the cause, I need some help. I don't liek walking around worrying that there is something truly wrong, like I am a bit out of control and a bit psychotic. I just start to question myself and feel so much stupider than the woman I know that I am. And I want to feel whole again, like my mind is working with my body. I don't want to be the forgetful one.

5 comments:

Jen said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are having worries. Maybe if you make the doctor's appointment, they can pinpoint a culprit and help you? I know it is scary. I was having huge anxiety problems after my second child and ended up going in to the doctor's because it felt like I was constantly having a heart attack and my memory was crap. Now I'm all better (well, still a bit crazy). It was the scariest thing to go talk to a doctor about it, though. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

tlawwife said...

I've heard that if you think you are having problems you probably aren't because people who have dementia don't realize it. You are probably really busy with a lot on your mind. I would suggest a trip to the doctor but before you go make a list of everything that is happening that you are uncomfortable with. When I get there with anxiety problems I never can remember any details. Show the list or read it and it gives the doctor a better picture.

msyennis said...

There are some dietary supplements that can help improve memory. B vitamins, especially B6, B12, and folic acid, Antioxidants like vitamins C and E, and beta carotene, and Omega-3 fatty acids like fish oil or flaxseed. Stress can also be a major factor in memory loss, as well as not getting enough sleep or exercise.

Hope this helps. BTW, send me an email. I lost all of the info in my email and don't have your address anymore :/

Love ya!

Lisa

Claudia said...

Stress can wreak havoc on the mind. I remember one day when things were spinning out of control and I looked down at the fork in my hand and wondered what it was I was supposed to do with it. It scared the SHIT out of me. I thought I'd finally snapped. Luckily I figured out that stress and exhaustion were playing head games (literally) and I had to do something about it. I'm a post-it chick. If it needs to be said or done I put it on a pink post-it and stick it on the fridge. :) There is barely any space available. Heh.

* hugs *
Hang in there. Go get a massage!!

V-Grrrl said...

I have a lot of problems staying focused and on task lately, and I used to be SHARP, hyper-organized, the person who never let anything fall through the cracks.

You're under a lot of stress, worrying about Kaeden, dealing with keeping your family balanced. Make sure you get enough sleep, and do consider a bit of exercise and Lisa's recommendation on supplements (I take those too).