Things here are weird. My mind is all jumbled up with lotsa stuff. I am so forgetful and it makes me wonder if I have the early stages of dementia. Seriously. It kinda scares me. The past few years I have noticed myself becoming more and more forgetful. I used to be able to remember everything and nothing really bothered me. But now, I worry that I am losing my mind...and not in that funny, lighthearted sense either. It's been a struggle for me, and one I have been considering for some time, but haven't been able to express out of pure fear. But I figure, hey, what the heck, this is me, take me as I am, faults and all. I need to talk about this, as it's really driving me crazy. I am worried about myself.
I manage to forget the simplest of things. Sure, everyone forgets stuff once in awhile, but this forgetting I've been doing just seems a bit unnatural. Things like not being able to find my keys because I put them in the fridge. Not remembering an appointment even though I have looked at my calendar 5 times throughout the course of the day. Getting another cup of coffee even though I have just made one. Making Erwin's lunch even though he's reminded me that he has a lunch meeting that day. Forgetting Jari's swim gear for swimming even though I have just read his school agenda. Giving Kaeden a full lunch on Wednesday even though he always comes home for lunch on that day. Forgettting conversations that Erwin and I have had which he must completely repeat before I even have a glimpse of them taking place.
I try to keep it all organised by writing everything on my calendar. But even that has a way of getting all jumbled up. Sometimes, I think it's because I have so many little appointments to remember that I just have too much going on in my head. And sometimes, I attribute it to the state of my mental being, such as too much stress in my life to keep the simple things all at the forefront. Other times I wonder if I would start drinking more water if it comes from lack of being sufficiently hydrated. Or maybe if I would exercise more it would balance my mind better. Or if it comes from not having enough challenges to keep my mind working adequately, such as a job and social affairs. I really don't know if it's just one of the above, a combination of them all, or if something is truly medically the culprit.
What I do know is that I can't sleep well worrying about the state of my mental health. I get angry at myself and others quickly as a result of my forgetfulness. I find myself often in a state of tears because I have once again done something stupid due to my forgetting something important. I feel like my mind is failing me. And I am scared to discuss this with a doctor, as I am afraid they'll do tests and discover that I really do have the beginning stages of Alzheimers or something. It's a battle I fight within myself on a daily basis.
I'm not sure why I wanted to write about this today. Maybe because when I looked at my calendar I know that there are a few appointments missing that I need to try to remember so I can write them down before they are also forgotten adn I must make new ones. Or maybe because I am finally allowing myself to be realistic about the fact that this is a reality for me and I need to do something about it before it gets even worse. Whatever the cause, I need some help. I don't liek walking around worrying that there is something truly wrong, like I am a bit out of control and a bit psychotic. I just start to question myself and feel so much stupider than the woman I know that I am. And I want to feel whole again, like my mind is working with my body. I don't want to be the forgetful one.