Time for Shorts

It is hot. I've got all the windows and curtains closed to try and keep the house cooled off, but it's still seeping through. It's 36 degrees (97 F) today and inside 27 (80), reading from our weather monitor, it's plain ole hot. And as much as I love the sun, it's really not very nice outside (or inside) today. I think the hardest was that it came upon us so suddenly...weeks on end of below normal temps and then, boom, a heatwave. Anyway, I got out my shorts. Yep, time to encounter that dreaded F word...FAT!

I have a weight problem...have most of my life and it really is no fun. Putting on a pair of shorts is for most people a sign of fun and sun, but for fat people it comes with a bit of dread. Yep, people can actually see your cellulite, see all that heavy flesh, see that you're fat. As if they can't in winter clothing...yeah right. But still, for me, putting on shorts gives people more opportunity to notice the extra skin, notice that I am fat. Once those shorts cover your big bum, they no longer look at that nice woman hiding under the cover of her clothes, they don't see the pretty eyes or stunning smile, rather the skin...and white it is after hiding under that bulky winter protection. It's easy to say "Get motivated. Lose some weight. Quit eating so much." But the reality of those words is really much more complicated. If the dread of being in public isn't enough to change our eating patterns and lifestyle, to give us the motivation to lsoe weight, nothing will. It is no fun.

Summer means heading to the amusement parks and going on thrilling rides. For fat people, it means shaking in fear that you will fit in the seat, that the bar will close and leave you room to breathe. Summer means travel and vacation. To fat people it means the added worry of whether the airline will allow you on the plane without purchasing a second seat, or the embarrassment of needing a seat belt extender. And forget about trying to lower that table... Summer means swimming at the local pool. For fat people that dare to be seen in a swimsuit it means lowering your level of enjoyment and watching as people glance your way, noticing the skin hanging out of the suit, looking at you in either disgust or pity. Summer means sitting on a terrace with a thirst-quenching beer. For fat people it means wondering if you will fit in the chair, if it will hold your weight, if you can sit "just so" and squeeze in without too much hassle. Summer means fun! But for fat people, summer comes with an added bonus of ridicule.

I don't enjoy being fat. But once you're here, it's very hard to change. I'd love to be healthy and feel energetic and free to be me, but my weight stops me from that intense enjoyment. I want to change, but where do I get that motivation, that willpower, that utter need. I want my husband to walk with me in pride, my children to proudly proclaim THAT is my mama...luckily me husband and children are accepting of me for the woman that I am. They love me through the extra layers of my skin. They know I am giving and loving and good. They would still like to see me healthier, thinner, with more to offer in terms of running in the park, playing soccer without being out of breath, able to keep up with them, and not be embarrassed when we enter the gates of the amusement park. I am lucky they love me as I am, because I certainly don't love myself as I should.

So, as I don those shorts on this hot summer day, I hope that I also don a new love for myself. A love great enough to take care of me, to allow myself to enjoy life and be the outgoing woman I am without hiding in shame. To pull on not only that pair of shorts, but a motivation deep inside...to be the best that I can be...to be HOT!