I'm feeling so, well, shifty might be a good word. Is that a word? I dunno, but that's how I'm feeling. Like one minute everything is terrific, the next I'm stressed to the max, the next I am sad and lonely, the following I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know where it's all coming from, but I know part of it has to do with sleep. I'm not getting enough, no matter what time I get to bed. A conversation at our house last night:
Me: I'm so tired. (at 7:45pm)
Er: How can you be tired? You went to bed at 10 last night.
Me: Yeah, I was so tired after I tucked the kids in I just went into bed to lay down and then fell asleep immediately...at 10:20.
Er: Yeah, so you got 9 hours.
Me: No, I fell asleep at 10:20, you came in at 12:30 and I woke up, Jari came in at 3 and I woke up, I got up to pee once, and I woke up a couple other times in between, the alarm went off at 6:30 and I woke up twice to snooze until I finally got up. So, I didn't sleep well.
Me: So, I think I'll put the kids to bed and then do you want to watch a movie? What's on anyway? If there's something on I won't go to choir tonight.
Er: (looking up the tv guide) Well, there's Dumb and Dumberer
Me: Do you want to see that?
Er: Well, Dumb and Dumber was pretty funny.
Me: Okay, then I'm gonna go put the kids to bed.
Me: (coming back downstairs at 9:15, kids still not asleep, but left on their own) Okay, they aren't asleep, but they'll fall asleep soon.
Er: (playing a computer game)
Me: Are you gonna watch this?
Er: Yeah, but it's already half over.
Me: Yeah, but I had to get the kids tucked in. (going to kitchen to get drinks)
We start to watch the movie. 10 minutes later Jari opens the door. I head back up to settle him in bed again. I come back down, return my attention the movie, and fall asleep on the couch. Er wakes me at 12ish to head to bed. And the night begins again.
Things here are so up in the air since we decided to send Kaeden to America this summer. I am really nervous about it, but also trying to make it seem like a huge deal for him...which he is getting, cuz he can't stop talking about it, or what he's going to bring back for us, or what he's going to do while he's there, or where he's going to go while he's there...but for me, it's just making the pit of my stomach feel tight and achy. I need to get all the details settled so I can plan my summer. I feel distracted about it all. I need to know what the plan is. Are we (the three of us) going on vacation? Is Kaeden going to be here to head to England with us? Am I going to see my mom? Can I get flights with her coordinated so Kaeden doesn't have to fly alone? I really need some information from my mom and then get everything settled, so i can concentrate on feeling excited with Kaeden. Do I tell the airlines he's autistic? Will they let him on alone then? He's a great traveler, but will he remember to take his meds which he really needs to stay focused, which will be incredibly important during a trip such as this, with your body running on zero sleep and an entire day of your life missed? Can I trust the airlines to take care of my baby? I have to pay a great deal of money for the unaccompanied minor service, but will they do their job satisfactory? I keep thinking how great he always is on trips, and how well he knows everything, but still, he can't read...what happens when he has to fill out the forms for US entry? What happens if his plane is delayed? What happens if the staff don't get him to his connection? What happens if my parents are late to teh airport meeting place to pick him up (like they always are!!! Though I should hope in this instance, they'd make sure to be on time!!!)? And most of all, how am I going to get through five weeks of missing my little boy? I dunno, maybe this wasn't such a good idea afterall...I mean, Kaeden is happy, gramma and grampa are thrilled, but mama, those 2 postcards he promised me just aren't going to give me a goodnight kiss and hug, they aren't going to wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me, they aren't going to be Kaeden...and having him gone is going to be a bit like a gaping hole in the middle of my heart.