The Big Picture

Questions run through my mind. I can't find peace from within. There's something sitting here weighing on my mind. I can't figure out what it is. I'm feeling as if life is passing me by and I don't even know what day it is. Where do the days go? I can't believe it's already Friday and another weekend is upon us. Just yesterday I went and helped at Jari's school and it felt as if I'd been there just the day before. My days are all running together and the only thing unusual I have done is bake a batch of cookies. I've been looking at my plants for a week, knowing they need water...but they are still thirsty. Every day I go out and feed my guinea pigs and know it's time to clean their cage, but I haven't done it yet. There is a box sitting on the floor filled with the last remains of Christmas that needs carried upstairs and put away. But it's still sitting there waiting. My windows are grimy and need a good washing, and every day as I look through them I know it needs to be done, something I even enjoy, the only cleaning activity I truly don't mind. Yet they are still grimy. There's a desk sitting on the landing upstairs which needs unscrewed and pulled apart and moved to the attic. It's been there for two weeks and still, it takes up all the space the kids have to play. Nothing that needs done is getting done. All the simple needs sit waiting, just as I do, waiting for the drive to do it. Waiting for this feeling to leave my body so that I can find the energy to complete what needs to be done.

I can't get comfortable. I feel lazy and strung out all in the same breath. I don't like feeling so worthless. I don't like looking in the mirror and finding HER staring back at me. I haven't been taking care of myself. I do what needs to be done for survival, but that's the extent of my activity. I feel overloaded, but there's no reason I should. I haven't been doing anything strenuous in the least. And yet I feel as if there's no energy left.

I don't care what it takes, today I will complete those little extra tasks that have been waiting in the crooks and corners for some attention. I think that if I just start taking care of what needs to be done, I'll be able to step back and feel a bit of pride. Feel as if I have accomplished soemthing. Let that lonely, disgusted feeling leave me, give me a new outlook on what I can achieve. I need to take care of those little things in order to care for this big thing...this thing that's suffocating me, shredding my spirit, and pulling apart the layers. One thing at a time. And after that's all done, I can sit back, relaxed, and look at the big picture.