This morning started out with tears. And screaming. And a heaviness in my heart that just doesn't want to go away. Sometimes I feel so optimally defeated. Like, why am I here, how did I get chosen for this life, where is the strength to keep on trucking on. And where has my patience and understanding and love disappeared to?
Kaeden has been going through another of his stealing phases. These phases come and go in our book of life, and it really is quite trying. I begin to question my own sanity as I search for money I thought I had, but which seems to disappear into thin air. I never want to accuse my son of being the culprit, but deep in my heart I know it is him that has stolen from me, and it hurts. It isn't just the money, or the food, or the whatever else he somehow thinks is his. But he also steals my sanity in those moments. And my faith and pride in him. He steals from me something much deeper than just the material possessions. And quite frankly, I am getting tired of this 'game'.
I want to be able to hold my son, stroke his hair, give him my love, without this blinding anger tugging at my heart, filling me with regret rather than letting the love flow fromme through to him. This morning, I said words which I would rather not have said. And I didn't even care that it may have hurt him, that it isn't the behavior a mother should demonstrate to her child. I didn't care, because I feel defeated and all used up, as if there is no turn I can take in which will solve this lack of trust, which can make me feel pride in my son, which will release me of these niggling dislikes that encompass me as I encompass him.
I told Kaeden today that I am one of the last people that keeps fighting for him, for his rights, for his needs, for his perspective on life. I am the one that keeps on giving and and never stops loving and never stops having hope...for him now and for his future. And yet, I am the one that keeps getting hurt, keeps being disappointed, keeps having to fall and pull myself up again. And it's getting scarier as he gets older, gets stronger, and uses his strength to hurt me even physically. As if the emotional abuse wasn't enough. As if he is punishing me for being his mom, for not being able to make everything in his world right, for having to take the time to pick myself up off the floor time and time again.
I don't try to pretend I can understand how difficult life must be for him, wandering through trying to fit in, trying to be someone you are not, trying to accept that this is the way the world is and like it or not you must exist here. I know it is hard. I live with this child, and I see his trials on a daily basis. I try to be patient and loving, be his strength to fall back on in times of need. But I am faltering. I am getting tired. I am lsoing my strength as he sucks it out of me time and time again. And with this loss of strength is also a loss of hope and commitment. Sometimes I just want to quit fighting...quit fighting for him and his needs and his rights, and just let him for once see that mommy is not able to pick up all the pieces and complete the puzzle. To allow myself some peace instead of always feeling so worried and scared and angry. I just want to escape from him and his autism and all the issues that it brings. I want to be free to love him and give him all he needs without knowing that in return I will get another good ole stomping. But I also knwo that I can't...he can't...and I'm not really sure that I feel fit enough to hold on for this long ride. Today, I just feel as if I wanna climb off the ride and quit feeling so utterly dizzy. It isn't that feeling of euphoria and that rush of adrenaline that makes you feel alive. Instead, it's as if I am dying a slow death that sees no end.
I am tired. And that makes me sad, because when I placed my feet in my mommy boots way back when, it was with the promise that I would do whatever I needed to do to provide my child with the life he deserves. That I would love him unconditionally and forever, and that I would be proud of him and me and all the accomplishments we shared along the way. Right now, I am not proud of either of us. I don't feel as if I can love unconditioanlly. My heart has hardened, and love seems a bit too overdone. I don't even have the desire to give any more, to provide him with a good life, when all he does is turn it around and abuse my gift. When is enough is enough? When do you just throw up your hands and decide something is a lost cause? When do you finally know that you cannot mold someone to be his best, and that he may never choose to do it on his own? When does feeling defeated truly become being defeated?
I feel defeated. And I am scared that my feeling is coming slowly to a reality. My heart is slowing its beat. My mind is ready to explode. And my body is frail and in pain. Defeat is just aroudn the corner.