Feeling Lost

I am home. Yet, things have a very different feel to me after having been in the states on vacation for the past few months. I feel a little lost, really, as if I have been welcomed home, but the home is not my own. I go through the daily rituals of cleaning and cooking and caring for my family, and everything is just where I left it, yet I sometimes turn to the wrong drawer for a spoon or reach into the wrong cupboard for the cleaning solution. Since our arrival home, there has been so much happening, and I feel just gruesomely tired, as if sleep has betrayed me and I could hunker down for months.

But I think it all stems from the absence of my son in our presence. I await 6pm when I can call him, hear his voice, and conclude that he's doing okay. I walk through our home and don't have his clothes, his messes, his backpack to clean up off the floor. And it has made my life less complicated, less worrisome, less stressed, in simple terms. I have one less person in which to consider when making plans, one less person in which to care for. And that's just not how it's supposed to be. I am sincerely and truly missing my first-born son. Since his birth, I have always had him present, creating havok in my home, just as children are wont to do, are supposed to do. And now, I am lost, his mama without the responsibility of being his mama. The only thing that makes me so is those phone calls that offer me just a slight recapture of having him in my presence, in my home, in my life....and the worries about him that never subside for even a nano-second in time, whether here, there, or anywhere.

The positive side to this is the quality time I have been awarded with Jari. He and i have spent numerous hours just being together, playing, craving an undivided attention from his mama which being a second child has never before been granted. He has asked me more questions about autism in the past week than I knew his little mind held. Yesterday, upon his arrival home from school, he said very matter-of-factly: Mama, all people are the same, right? Except people with autism are not the same as everyone else. Cuz they have a different brain, right mom?

It made me wonder what conversation took place at school, what considerations he makes confronted with explaining who people are, what makes a person alive, happy, successful. How does he come to terms with having an autistic brother, being confronted with problems that a child his age should never have to become acquainted with? And yet, is it broadening his view of people, of accepting people with differences, of making him into a non-judgemental being in a world where judgement and superiority reign?

I am feeling just a little secluded from life as I know it. I circle around, looking for myself, trying to find me, discover where I left her when she ran off on vacation numerous weeks prior. She is not here, but in her place a mama, wife, homemaker with the exact same face, same values and morals...with just a little less energy, a little different form of worry, a little more time on her hands. And a deeper understanding of what it means to cherish her children, whether it be in the form of taking them for a bike ride and baking waffles, or making that phone call to tell them goodnight when the six o├žlock bell rings.


Jade said...

Ohhh sweet Tera.. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I wasn't shocked to read what you had written. You've had a action packed last few months, with a lot of ups and downs of emotion. Sounds to me like you're coming down from it all and might even be feeling a touch of depression. Which in my opinion is completely warranted giving all that the last 60 days has thrown at you.
"They" say it takes 21 days to develop a habit. You were in the states longer than that, so, when you find yourself reaching the wrong way for a spoon, or looking somewhere where you were expecting a window, consider the fact that you embraced you're time in the states enough to create a cozy habit for a moment.
I can only imagine the void you must feel by not having your little man around. You are a wonderful mom and frankly I'd be a little surprised if you said "Wow, this is a wonderful break from my norm only having one of my kids around." If there's one thing I feel totally secure in saying about you is the fact that you are a WONDERFULLY loving mom Tera. Motherhood is not just something you do like some women out in the world, it is your life, it is your passion, it is a lot of your strength, and to think that you would feel relieved to have a small break wouldn't really make sense to me. From the first time I read your blog I knew that you were a awesome woman with many talents and TONS to give.
I can't tell you why life throws us the curveballs that it does, but I can tell you that you handle those tough pitches with as much dignity and grace as anyone I've ever seen.
And I know that you will continue to do so because thats the kind of person you are.
If there's one thing I have learned from having the job I have is the fact that kids have wonderful intuition and soak up everything! I'm sure your youngest has questions in his mind that he can't even formulate the words for yet, and tho its a very tough time in your house right now, I'm glad to see that he is taking this opportunity to ask the questions he is asking, explore the emotions that might be swirling around the house, and is able and comfortable enough to come to you with his confusion and or questions.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but in a short time you will have both of your children under the same roof. You will have the backbacks in front of the door to trip on, you will have the boys boxing over a toy, you will have to make 2 separate dinners again for those who don't want the first one... ;-) it will all come back my friend and hopefully it will return to you stronger and more intact than when it all started. This is a time of growth for everyone. For you, for your eldest, for your youngest, and for your marriage. I'm a very strong believer in that there is something to learn in every situation. Knowledge creates power, and you are already one very strong woman. I can only imagine the emotional and spiritual muscles that you are developing through this all.

You're beautiful, strong, and courageous Tera. You might not see that right now, but I do, and I will remind you as often as needed. Keep on keepin on my friend, this too shall pass and when it does you will be able to breath fresh air again.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!

V-Grrrl said...

So many changes in a short amount of time. I can relate to that and how untethered you feel with your boy gone.

Jen said...

I hope you start to feel the satisfaction and serenity in your life again, soon.