Handicapped

How can children with a handicap get services? Well, we had to take Kaeden to this government appointed doctor who makes the decision whether or not your child qualifies. Whether he has already received a diagnosis, we've lived with his bouts of irrationality, he continues making poor choices, or the government already acknowledges his handicap giving him a handicapped bus card doesn't make any difference. The decision lies in the hands of this doctor. This doctor is well-known for his failure to address the needs of autistic children. How can one doctor that sees him for 20 minutes conclude whether or not my child is autistic? In a breath of air, Kaeden can be at his very best or absolute worst...and most likely when it comes to making contact with a new person, my son will be at his very best. So, how does this doctor base a lifelong decision for my son at this short appointment?

I'll tell you, I have taken days and more days readying us for this appointment. I have requested notes and compilations of forms from every institution we've worked with. I have filled in forms myself, made copies, consulted my Dutch/English dictionary more times than I care to count. And today was the big day. Erwin took off work and we had Jari stay for lunch at school as the appt was right in the midst of his lunch break. And then we were ready...to be out-of-control parents. To try to assure services for Kaeden, our case worker told us stories about the best way to persuade this doctor. She told us to keep Kaeden off his meds for the day, and then do our darndest to make my kiddo angry/upset/freaked out/tantruming. When we picked Kaed up at school he was in the best of spirits. He was excited to be getting out early and have some 1:1 time with mama and papa...little did he know of our secret agenda...to terrorize him :-( I admit that this sounds evil, harsh and unfair, but so does the fact that our son may not qualify for services that he rightfully deserves. So, we did our best to be "mean". It worked...he got angry, he started hitting, he got frustrated and sad. And me, well, I couldn't help but laugh as I had to do somethingt o hide the pain I was feeling. The pain of intentionally hurting your child emotionally...his already threatened self-esteem being lowered purposefully by his own mama...well, it tore at my heart. Finally I let up...it just wasn't worth it to me. I would appeal if I had to, but I couldn't hurt my son any deeper. How much lower could a mother go? Not much, I promise you.

We went into the appt. Kaeden was over the "torture" by then and was his normal self, yet still a bit confused by his mama's behavior. He answered questions with eyes darting around adjusting to unusual surroundings. He signed his name spelling it improperly, and read a sentence filled with words that were beyond his level of even sounding out. He was his noraml autistic self, and I was so proud of him. Just sitting there next to the child that I brought into this harsh world, Kaeden restored my faith that everything would be okay...with or without this doctor's approval, we are going to make it.

After we left the doctor's office, I explained to my son why I was being so mean to him. With tears in my eyes I gave him a kiss and promised him my love...something I will need time to prove to him once again. I gave him a box of candy and he immediately said "Mom, which color is your favorite?" When I told him pink, he had a huge grin on his face and a laugh escaped his mouth as he popped the candy into his own mouth and said "Well, there then!". With a sense of humor like his, he's going to be okay. We took Kaeden out with us for coffee at a cafe where he had a trampoline all to himself and came back to drink a huge cup of hot chocolate with a separate bowl of whipped cream just like he likes best. We played game after made up game with him and tried to restore his faith in us as loving parents. We spent time enjoying our autistic son.

This message I'm writing is for me. For me to remember that being a parent is a tough job, that life is unfair, and that love conquers all...because I love my son more than he will ever know, and I will do whatever it takes to make his life a good one...but I will never again laugh as I cause him pain, because the pain I felt in my own heart was too deep for words, and I refuse to do it again. So, Dr, refuse us services if that's what you need to do, but I will fight you to the end...but never again will I fight my own values and morals and cause pain to a person I admire so much...never again will I intentionally hurt my son. He's worth more than that to me. He deserves more...and more is what he WILL get!