Emotions

Today has been an emotional day for me and I'm not entirely sure why. Some days are like that...you just feel a bit sentimental about a lot of things. That's been me today...

Tomorrow is my SIL's birthday. We'll head over to help her celebrate after Jari's soccer game tomorrow afternoon. Jari and I went shopping for a birthday present this afternoon after school, but it's always so hard to find that perfect something. We got her a lil something I hope she'll like, just to even out the more practical gifts we've already decided upon.

Last night we signed Kaeden up for semi-internaat through his school. The program sounds really helpful even though the waitlist is long. He can still attend the vacation program being on the wait list so that'll be ncie for him this summer. It sounds as if they do a lot of fun activities. The costs add up quickly, but if it brings a bit more peace to our family and a bit more stability to Kaeden, there's no cost too high. On the same form we also agreed to be waitlisted for internaat. This is the live-in program at school which I have been ignoring for the past three years. It made me feel sick to my stomach when the forms were signed, but I have to look toward Kaeden's future and quit hovering over the mommy-feelings that hold onto my baby. I have agreed to nothing more than his being placed on the waitlist and if a spot comes available to him before we are ready, I can always refuse service. However, after some of the events that have happened with him recently, I am starting to feel the pressure to make some changes that will be positive for all of us. Even though I can't breathe when I think about placing him in a living situation, I am getting really fed up with daily fights and abuse we suffer at his expense. No mother should have to be put in this situation. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate autism?

My girlfriend Sharon and her husband watched the boys for us last night while we attended the meeting. I cannot begin to describe how important I feel this relationship is for my kids. Having such limited family here, the creation of extended family means a great deal to me. Sharon and Hans really love my boys and they treat them really well...my boys feel like they are family. It means so much to me, and I'm sure as the boys get older, the relationships that are important in their lives will only continue to grow. Having that security really means so much.

Jari told me today that he loves papa more than mama. When I couldn't help but let tears fall from my eyes, he said he was just joking. But it didn't sound like a joke to me, and really did hurt my heart. I asked him why he loves papa more and he assured me that he loves us both the same. The damage was already done, however. Makes me feel yet again like a failure as a mother. I can't help but be happy that my son and husband have such a special relationship. I am grateful that Erwin is his son's hero in life. But what happened to that mama/son bond that we created when he was still a baby? I know he loves me, but darn it all, why can't I be papa?

My gramma hasn't been feeling very well lately and went to the doc for a check-up. He was concerned with some of the things he saw and sent her for a thorough check-up today. I feel so nervous as she's having some of the same signs as when she was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. Make sme worry that she may have cancer again, and I know she isn't willing to fight it any more. She is totally content with her life, and at peace with dying when it is time. She always says that if she dies tomorrow noone should be sad, because she has peace and feels ready to go whenever God is ready to have her. I wish I could feel as content as her, but death is something that never makes me feel peaceful. I don't want to lose the people that I love. It hurts too much.

My uncle Jack is still in the hospital with a tentative release date of Tuesday, as long as things at home are in place for him there. I pray for him daily and send messages to let him know that I care adn love him. I just hope he is well enough to go home as he isn't happy being in the hospital, and being around all his animals would give him the love he's missing there. Please keep him in your prayers.

I planned to visit with my girlfriends this week, but when I planned to leave, Erwin didn't seem too happy about it. So, I canceled. My husband and I never have enough us time and I could tell he needed it that night. We watched some home videos and then some tv. We didn't do anything special, but being together was something good for both of us. Canceling on my girlfriends is something I would never have done earlier in my life. But I am beginning to be a more open person with my feelings and trying to be more honest about how I feel. Sometimes you just have to make adjustments in life, and this was one of those times. I missed the laughter with my girlfriends, but enjoyed the cuddling with my husband...the balance between teh two is sometimes really hard to maintain. Both are equally worth it, for differing reasons. But at that moment in time, my husbands needs became my own and I stayed home. I need him to know that I care about him...sometimes it's too easy to let the relationship with your spouse sit on the backburner while life passes you by.

Well, it's pizza and movie night for us, so I'm gonna go spice up the frozen pizza and get it in the oven. Then we're gonna watch Happy Feet! Looking forward to seeing those cute dancing penguins! And my boys are gonna be thrilled! They've SO been wanting to see it!

Happy Friday...Happy Weekend!