Life as a Mom

I have been thinking a lot about my life as a mom. All the dreams I had when I first learned I was pregnant, the kind of mom I planned to be, the kind of children I planned to raise. And there are dreams, and there is reality. And I think that in general, I have been the kind of mom I want to be. I spend a lot of time with my children doing activities that are fun and help them learn. I am always available to my boys, whether it be to make them something to eat, give them a hug, kiss a boo-boo, or play a game. They are, in general, pretty happy little boys who don't want for much. But, I have also come to another realization about my mothering...as much as I give my kids, I never feel good enough, I never feel that I am doing this most important job as well as I could. Where do you ever reach that balance between giving to your children and finding peace within yourself? As a mom, I can't help but worry. I worry about my children's futures, if I am providing them with tools to be successful adults. I worry about whether I am teaching them compassion and understanding of other people, and still giving them the tools needed to prepare for dealing with situations that arise regarding others. Am I nourishing them properly, not giving in too much to their pleas for sweets and junk food? And as an overweight mother, how am I setting a good example for them in the exercise and eating department? How can I teach them to clean up after themselves, keep their space pleasant and healthy, when 1) it's easier to just do it myself; and 2) I am a chaotic person at best and find it hard work to keep my life and home organised? How can I teach them the value of education when I myself do not use the thousands of dollars and millions of hours put into obtaining my university degree? When is it time to let go just a little, or hold on a bit longer?

Lately, I just find myself questioning my ways as a mom. Maybe that comes from my last hope for helping Kaeden before I ask for outside help. He needs more than I am offering him, and I don't know if that comes from my lack of providing, or if it's because of his handicap. It's tormenting my mind, and each morning as I wake to the dread of our morning ritual, I pray that I can be a success, just for this hour that provides our family with the most stress, and if I can make it through that first hour, I can make it through anything. Maybe it comes from my worries about Jari...how to help him become his own person without modeling Kaeden's autistic behaviors. How to capture his giving spirit without worrying that he's too tuned in to the need of pleasing everyone. He doesn't like to cause disappointment, and this is a good thing, but I worry that he sometimes takes it too far and doesn't obey his own inner spirit in the process.

I am really trying my best here, but this is such a HUGE chore that God has blessed me with. It is my job to bring these young boys to adulthood and help them achieve success as upstanding citizens. I am their mom and they model me. They learn from me. They live with my faults. They teach me what I am doing right and wrong. They are growing up, my sweet little babies...am I being the guiding light that I dreamed I would be? A question that can only be answered with the passing of the years...