Protective Mom

I am a protective mom. I would do anything for my boys. Both of them. But, I am much more protective of Kaeden than Jari. Maybe that's because I don't feel he has the tools needed to protect himself. Maybe it's because he was the one thing that saved me from destroying my life when I was headed in the wrong direction prior to his birth. Maybe it's because he was the only thing that was mine all mine before I started my family. I don't know exactly why, but I am extremely protective of him. Of his feelings most of all.

And maybe, just maybe, when something like your child comes so close to be taken away from you, you'd do anything to make sure that can't happen for the rest of your life. Kaeden was nearly taken from my life. He was a very sick little boy until the time he turned five. I don't know what changed in him that year, but since then he's been healthier than a goat (why is that useful? Are goats healthy?) besides the autism that has stripped us of some healthy normalcy. Anyway, beginning from the time of his first hospital visit at 9 months old, my child was NEVER healthy. We spent good parts of our years in hospitals and there were many a day that I was sure he would stop breathing. One day, he did. My son was in the hospital at the ripe old age of 2. We had been rushed there after I took him in to the doctor following more breathing difficulties. My son suffered from RSV which led to serious asthma problems. When we arrived at the doctor's office they immediately shipped him off to the hospital...not even going through ER, they had his room ready when we arrived 10 minutes later...a private, sterile room with an oxygen tent where they stripped him of his clothes and tucked him in. We could enter the room, first after going through sterilization procedures, and wearing sterile clothing so no germs could reach his sick little body. I was so scared. I was alone with him and as my parents were on vacation, I couldn't reach them. I stayed in that little room for days, not even leaving to go home and shower or change clothes. He was so sick, and keeping him inside his tent of life was so difficult. Well, difficult after a few days where he first lay listless. At one point, his machines started beeping and I was a bit confused what was happening. Immediately his room filled with nurses as they screamed out "Get the doctor, we're losing him!" The doctor was luckily visiting a patient next door and ran in immediately. They started CPR and my baby's blue lips turned pink again as I stood shaking in a corner tears streaming down my face. I had just stood looking death in the eye...the death of my son.

The doctor called me into the hall after he was stable again. He told me how seriously ill Kaeden was and that we had to get his oxygen levels to rise. He saw how shaken I was and patted me on the back after promising to do all he could. Kaeden spent 10 days in the hospital that time. I missed my brother's wedding...but my son was still alive. We left the hospital with an oxygen tank that we carried with us everywhere we went...and the nebulizer treatments went to 4x/day. Talk about NO fun! A neb treatment for a 2 year old, and then the nose cleaning which was required 2x/day...a salt solution to rid the nose of bacteria that was squirted through his sinus cavities and came out the other nostril before squirting the flonase medicine into his nose. And then the steroids...so many steroids. I was given a choice at one point of Kaeden's treatment...give him more than the allotted amount of steroids and not know what will happen to him, now or later in life, or let him die. I chose the medicine. Without a second thought.

We were referred to one of the leading asthma institutions in the country for further testing and treatment. Luckily, it was in Denver, just 5 hours from my home. There we learned that he had a collapsed lung which was contributing to his problems. His medication was changed and lots of testing done with no real outcome as to where the problems stemmed. He simply couldn't get sick or he'd be subjected to breathing problems. I was very strict about his medication and he managed to do okay. I was always worried and every night I would pull out my stethoscope and listens to his lungs for any sign of wheezing. More often than not, there was wheezing present. It was no fun for either of us.

Anyway, why am I reminded of this story today? Well, people often wonder and comment on how protective I am of Kaeden. I seriously think this may the reason. And because we have been looking into getting our kids baptised, and I have had to remember the time my son nearly died and was given an emergency baptism at that time. Does that count as a baptism? The answers to that question seem a bit vague. At the time, I was convinced. I think a baptism is a baptism regardless of how it was performed or under what circumstances.

So, that's my story for today. Maybe now that I have written out all my fears, I can move on again...and wonder yet again if all these traumas from our early years together contribute to the autism that's part of him today? And maybe people can understand just a tiny bit better why I am so overtly protective of my first-born child. He's been through a LOT in his life...and because of that, so have I...