2.21.2008

I HATE Autism!

Kaeden. Always on my mind, that kiddo is. Today more so than normal. I can't get out of my head the explosive day he had yesterday, the past week of living hell with him. After 3 weeks of total peace and happiness. And I was so sure, so sure that we were in the clear. But then, we had to mess with his meds...try a new one, delete an old one, change doses...and it has been a trial. A trial for all of us, but most especially for my son who tells me daily that his head is all stuffed up and he can't make it stop hurting and it makes him mad. So mad, that I nearly (seriously, I went to grab the phone in my room but it wasn't in the cradle or I would have dialed) called the police for assistance, fearful my son would hurt himself or one of us. I despise autism. I wish I could be one of those people that just come to accept it as part of their life, and move on. I can't. I don't want it to win. I want to conquer what I see as the beast that tears our family apart, the beast that takes the goodness in my son and turns him into an uncontrollable monster, the beast that takes every shred of my patience and pushes me beyond its limits, the beast that I call autism. I hate it! I Hate IT! I HATE IT! But I love my son, oh how I love him. I wish there were a way to conquer the burden that autism fills his head with. The burden of the beast...the beast itself. Anything. I am so scared. Scared for his future. Scared for the fact that he NEEDS his medication, to the point that someone could die if he doesn't have it. Scared that I have tried everything...all the therapies and drugs and homeopathic stuff and diets and structure and...and it isn't enough. It just isn't enough. What more can I do? Where can I turn? Where will life take us, and for how long? I just want to pull him onto my lap, stroke his hair and promise him it will all be okay while planting kisses on his cheek...but what a lie that would be...it isn't all okay...and mama just doesn't know what to do to fix it. I want to run as far away as I can and hide in a cave where noone can ever find me...but that would be so cowardly, and I am too cowardly to do something so brave, so stupid, so pointless. And where would that then leave my son? Who would be there to love him and support him and accept him for who he is? But do I accept him? I want the autism gone. I hate it. But it is a aprt of him. So, do I accept him? I want to. I want to more than anything. I want to learn to live with this peacefully. But as of this moment, I haven't found that place, I haven't come to terms, I haven't been accepting. I still hate autism...hate it with every ounce of my being, hate it with a passion I only wish existed in any other area of my life. And for him, what I wouldn't give to make the pain go away, to make his head clear, his eyes happy, his soul at peace. What I wouldn't give.

31 comments:

Jen said...

I've got nothing to say except: I'm sorry.

ChrisB said...

That is such a powerful post. You have brought tears to my eyes just reading about your inner turmoil. I have no answer or even words of comfort except to say you are clearly a very loving and brave mother who wants to do the best for her son, even though you haven't yet come to terms with the affect it has on your lives.

tlawwife said...

Sending prayers your way.

Jade said...

Ohh hun I'm sorry you're so frustrated right now. Autism is definitely hard, for all involved. It requires so much attention and care, which leave room for so much disappointment and frustration. You and your husband are doing the very best you can with your wee ones best interest at heart. You can not blame yourself for trying "New". It is the "new" that brought you the 3 weeks of bliss in the first place, right? If you would not have tried those new meds then you would have never had that outcome. So..I say don't blame yourself for trying. Try and request him back on the old meds.

Tera, never doubt yourself as a mother. I work with children and neglectful and down right bad parents all the time at my elementary school. I know what they look like, their characteristics, and their intentions. You my friend are not a bad parent. You in fact are someone I often come to for a read to help restore my faith that good parents exist, and that my work is for a reason.

Chin up girly. You're doing good. Life is all about learning. Take this as a lesson and keep on keepin on.
BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hope as Kaeden matures and emerges on the other side of adolescence, he finds a stable place to be his best self.

These are hard years even for those without special challenges--hard for kids, hard for parents.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

That was me, V!

Alison said...

Oh Tera...my heart breaks for you. You are going through a very challenging moment right now..but you are getting through it. You are a very strong woman and I admire you so much. You are right to write about it...vent...get the words out...take care of yourself..in doing that...you will take care of your son!

Anonymous said...

be happy peppy

Anonymous said...

I agree with you 100%. I really question the sanity of people who try to claim that autism is some sort of "blessing" and acceptance is wonderful. Yeah, maybe if your kid is just a little quirky but severe autsim is not a "blessing" in any way.

Anonymous said...

You're supposed to be an adult... GROW UP!

Anonymous said...

Where is Adolf Hitler now, that we need him most?

Anonymous said...

All these hideous creatures should be euthanased to spare the families the horror of their existence.

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Anonymous said...

I am 37 years of age, and I am autistic myself. I know the fiasco you're faced with, Tera. I feel sorry for your son. But I hate to break it to you, but words cannot express how much I hate my disability. I was raised by a mother who had stress levels that rose all the way to the planet Pluto. It was not pretty. It was horrible. I had to face a mother who acted as if she was my personal Saddam Hussein. The reason being is because I had obsessions to certain things growing up. I was obsessed with "Sesame Street" as a child, and I continued watching it until I was nearly 13. My mother banned the show in 1984 due to increasing problems. And if not "Sesame Street", there's a secondary obsession - my comic books. My comics were taken away at the end of 1986, and since the comics were the only surviving obsession at that time, the first half of 1987 was like living in hell. The most harrowing six months of my life. But fortunately, my comics were reinstated by the summer of 1987, as she did it as a way to "call a truce", and I was happy again. I do admit, because obsessions got in the way, I hated a lot of courses in school. I hated developing new activities. In fact, in some cases, if I wanted a certain obsession fulfilled, I had to do something I hated - like get a college diploma in order to get a job so that I could fulfill my obsession of Canadian banknotes. Last year, in 2009, I had a somebody in my life who was just plain horrible as if he took his problems to work. He acted Nazi-like over my interests. He didn't care about my interests. Interests to me = obsessions. It seems like the only way the behaviour problems will end is if the item/show/comic book series/whatever gets cancelled by "the powers that be" for reasons beyond anyone's control. If your child is obsessed over "Sesame Street" related stuff, I have some optimistic news for you - I think the show will likely be cancelled at some point this coming decade, as the ratings are getting lower. When your child's obsessions get cancelled by "the powers that be", the behaviour problems will be reduced greatly, as he will have no choice other than to give it up. If it isn't soon enough for you, that day will come sooner than you realize. Nothing will stay forever.

I feel for your child, and others who are autistic. I hope all goes well for you and your child.

Anonymous said...

My son has Autism. He hates me! The worst part is just that...I fear for him, his brothers and sisters and everyone in his path if he is not medicated. His medicine does not and will not ever make the Autism go away. I went through a divorce and he blames me for everything! My ex husband was an alcoholic and was the most irresponsible "man" that i have ever known. When Dakota goes for visitation he lets him (in an effort to be better than me) do WHATEVER he wants. He came home after his summer visit and had not had a haircut in 3 months (because that would cause a meltdown), was not required to wear socks, underwear, shirts or ANYTHING that made him uncomfortable! I don't know what to do with him...one thing is for sure though, I HATE AUTISM AND I HATE THAT MY SON IS AUTISTIC!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate autism too,

and also, i never will accept autism... i will only choose between two things, dont accept autism or to get rid of it, PERMANANTLY, no offense to anyone, but i dont like autism people,(sorry its the truth), i find them very disturbing...

i dont accept autism...
i rather fight it to the death...
or i can just get rid of it forever...

Look here, dont ever give up...
Autism (i hait that word), is only there because it wants you to fight it...

and you will win...

callumH said...

It upsets me to see the amount of people that are against this. I have autism plain and simple. It is part of me and if I had the choice I would keep the autism. This is me I am able bodied and able minded. My mind is wired in a different way, yes but that makes me no less of a person than any one of you. I grew up with autism and learnt how to cope with it. I still act differently but I am happy with who I am. You are a great woman for being so patient with your son and you have made me realise how great my own mother was with me. I turned out fine and im sure your son will to. It may takes years but one day you will be able to breathe a sigh of releif.

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Anonymous said...

Don't let it get to you. Some people are just assholes especially when posting anonymously on the internet. Also some people have children with autism that will never speak or be able to communicate in any way. So while you might not wish to be cured you shouldn't talk for everyone.

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Anonymous said...

"Where is Adolf Hitler now, that we need him most?"

"All these hideous creatures should be euthanased to spare the families the horror of their existence."

Don't worry, satan has saved a spot for you beasts.

Anonymous said...

This comment just made me sick to my stomach! You need to face facts that you kid has autism. Find positive aspects in life. You focus too much on the negative. My son also has autism , but I don't sit around having a pity party for my self! I have to be a strong mother for him. Go to church and pray a lot! Don't allow this to defeat your spirit and will.

Anonymous said...

people are so cold and inconsiderate! So much hate instead of love and acceptance. Just as bad as animals. We eat our own.