Kaeden. Always on my mind, that kiddo is. Today more so than normal. I can't get out of my head the explosive day he had yesterday, the past week of living hell with him. After 3 weeks of total peace and happiness. And I was so sure, so sure that we were in the clear. But then, we had to mess with his meds...try a new one, delete an old one, change doses...and it has been a trial. A trial for all of us, but most especially for my son who tells me daily that his head is all stuffed up and he can't make it stop hurting and it makes him mad. So mad, that I nearly (seriously, I went to grab the phone in my room but it wasn't in the cradle or I would have dialed) called the police for assistance, fearful my son would hurt himself or one of us. I despise autism. I wish I could be one of those people that just come to accept it as part of their life, and move on. I can't. I don't want it to win. I want to conquer what I see as the beast that tears our family apart, the beast that takes the goodness in my son and turns him into an uncontrollable monster, the beast that takes every shred of my patience and pushes me beyond its limits, the beast that I call autism. I hate it! I Hate IT! I HATE IT! But I love my son, oh how I love him. I wish there were a way to conquer the burden that autism fills his head with. The burden of the beast...the beast itself. Anything. I am so scared. Scared for his future. Scared for the fact that he NEEDS his medication, to the point that someone could die if he doesn't have it. Scared that I have tried everything...all the therapies and drugs and homeopathic stuff and diets and structure and...and it isn't enough. It just isn't enough. What more can I do? Where can I turn? Where will life take us, and for how long? I just want to pull him onto my lap, stroke his hair and promise him it will all be okay while planting kisses on his cheek...but what a lie that would be...it isn't all okay...and mama just doesn't know what to do to fix it. I want to run as far away as I can and hide in a cave where noone can ever find me...but that would be so cowardly, and I am too cowardly to do something so brave, so stupid, so pointless. And where would that then leave my son? Who would be there to love him and support him and accept him for who he is? But do I accept him? I want the autism gone. I hate it. But it is a aprt of him. So, do I accept him? I want to. I want to more than anything. I want to learn to live with this peacefully. But as of this moment, I haven't found that place, I haven't come to terms, I haven't been accepting. I still hate autism...hate it with every ounce of my being, hate it with a passion I only wish existed in any other area of my life. And for him, what I wouldn't give to make the pain go away, to make his head clear, his eyes happy, his soul at peace. What I wouldn't give.