What DO I Do Now?
I am getting ready to head to bed. It's nearly 2:30 in the morning and I was just shutting down my trusty computer friend when I noticed an email. The name staring back at me from my inbox was that of my sister-in-law. The one I have not spoken to in over a year and a half, the last time being a war on the Wyoming plains. This is my brother's wife. My niece and nephew's mother. Someone I not so very long ago considered my friend. And yet, during said war, some of the absolute most hurtful things were said and done which have allowed me to live in pain and sadness for the past year-and-a-half. Longer if you count the visits prior to said war. I was asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness. What does that mean, exactly? How, after so much time has passed convincing yourself that you can be okay without bitter people in your life, can one short email awaken nausea in the pit of your stomach? I am shaking. I am cold. I feel a sharpening pain behind my eyelids. My heart is doing some frantic double-beat which I don't understand. Forgiveness? How can I forgive when it is so much easier to despise? How can I forgive when I can't begin to forget the buckets of shed tears, the days of sitting before the porcelain throne, the hardness my heart has become? And yet, in the deepest me part of my soul, I want to forgive, I want to accept, I want to start again and find peace within myself. But how? Where do I begin? Can I ever truly forgive, or will I always find fault, be angry for the years that have been stolen from me, for the horrific words hurled my way and making me question everything that means the very most to me in the world, for words that stripped my children of their dignity and innocence. I am heading to bed. But you can bet that it will be another sleepless night stemming from the great war on the Wyoming plains. A sleepless night judging myself and my character and wondering if I can come to comprehend what forgiveness truly means.