A Few Random Thoughts

The day is grey and I also feel grey. I actually threw on a pair of sweats and left my pajamas on when I took Jari to school today...no shower, no brushed teeth, nothing. I feel so tired today, as if I never even went to bed. I was hoping to go unnoticed in the school yard looking so "chique", but one mom stopped me to talk. Darn! But, she did invite Jari over for a playdate tomorrow, so that was nice.

Erwin has been home the past 2 days with his back out. I hate it when he has back troubles. I feel like I should go up to bed and give him a massage, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like being a loving wife at the moment, which is not helpful to either of us. I hope he feels better soon. I hate seeing my husband in pain.

I had choir last night. I paid for the ceciliafeest which is on Nov. 4. A good way to celebrate my brother Trev's birthday. I'm glad oma and opa can watch the kids so Erwin and I can go. It will be nice for him to meet my new "friends".

My dirigent (conductor) is very strict during our choir practice. You wouldn't believe how many times he stops us in the course of a song to make us improve. It makes me feel like a 7 year old back in school. He gets lots of rolled eyes during practice, but during the concert on Sat nite we got a TON of compliments on how beautifully we sang, so it must be worth something. He must know what he's doing. I told them I would be away next week, and they wished they were also going on vacation.

Vacation next week...to Drenthe. A little house in the woods and tickets to a couple little parks. And lots of other plans. Why can't I get excited about it? I just have no desire, which is very unlike me. Usually I am jumping for joy at the prospect of going away.

My house is the pits. And I mean big time. I look around me and not one surface is free of clutter and I feel totally overwhelmed by it all. I don't even know where or how to start. I get so sick of cleaning every day...and I mean, I do the exact same thing day after day and day after day it needs doing all over again. I can't believe how messy a house can get in such a short span of time. If I could just get it a little cleaned up I'd feel so much better about everything.

Erwin frustrates me sometimes. Jari is in soccer and Kaeden is in Judo. Jari has soccer games every weekend, Kaeden has Judo tournaments twice in Nov and Dec. The schedules conflict. Erwin says let Kaed miss Judo. I say why should Kaed have to miss Judo? Soccer is a team sport, he says. Jari has to be there. I say Kaeden needs the experience of tournaments, and he enjoys them. Er says his practice twice a week is what gives him the exercise. I say his tournaments are the reward for his practice. Erwin and I disagree on this matter. It makes me feel like Jari and his going-ons are more important to Erwin than Kaeden. He likes going to soccer games and hates to miss them. But he hates going to Judo and despises being even asked to go watch Kaed. And then I get very negative feelings about my husband, which I hate and it makes me feel miserable. Yet the feeling is there and assisting in this grey feeling I have. I wish Erwin and Kaeden had a better relationship. It makes me so sad that they don't.

As I went to bed last night I looked over and caught a glance of a picture with two smiling faces staring back at me. It was taken about 4 years ago and was a picture of my niece and nephew, my brother's kids. Now, my brother won't even talk to me. I feel as if I have lost a piece of my heart. Seeing that picture made it all come back to me again. It's easy to pretend the pain isn't there, but one tiny instance brings it all back full-force. I don't know why my brother doesn't like me. I don't know why he thinks I am a bad person. I don't know why he thinks I am a bad mom. But he does, and it hurts. Plain and simple. And it makes me not like him, which is not a normal characteristic for me. I'm glad I live in Belgium. It makes it easier to be separated from the situation. I wish I had a recent picture of the two smiling faces, and that I could call them and tell them I care. But I can't. I have no control, no power in this situation. I love you Beau and Bree, and I always will, just as I do your dad. I'll just keep waiting for "Someday...."

My girlfriend and her husband confuse me. They are having marriage problems and it's good one day and shit the next. And I don't know what to say to her, cuz I am just totally frustrated by the whole situation. I can't understand them and how moody their relationship is. I just hope for them that they can make it work in whatever way they need to for themselves. It's weird how different people deal with situations. People are all so utterly their own. And people in a relationship are also utterly their own. But you have to give in a relationship, and that's what makes it work. I hope they can both give. I hope it will work.

My husband just came down and called my blog shit. "Is all that shit gonna be saved?" he said. Does that mean my words, my life are shit? Or was he asking in a good way, so he could put my life on CD to preserve it? I think he was being kind. Weird how it can be construed in two ways. I need to learn to take the positive road. And can my life be saved onto one little CD? What a thought...

I woke up too late and thus so did Kaeden. I was in a rotten mood and thus so was Kaeden. I can set the tone for our family life. If mama is happy, everyone is happy. Too bad today I'm feeling like crap...

So, those are my thoughts of the moment. I'm going to take a shower, and hope to wash away some of this negativity running through my veins. Or maybe I should just go stand outside in the pouring rain...that'll do the trick...yeah, sure....