Hmmm

I got a letter in the mail today. All the Dutch terms are a bit confusing to me, such as een blijvende ongeschiktheid van ten minste 66 procent en dit algemeen attest heeft als doel u toegang tot de verschillende sociale voordelen waarop u recht heeft, te vergemakkelijken.

But basically, I THINK it means that Kaeden's handicap has been at least partially approved and we do have rights to some social programs for handicapped people. It looks like he has been approved for a tax credit for both personal and house taxes, and he can receive a handicapped parking card (don't quite get this one as he's perfectly mobil). He's already received his free bus ticket. We still haven't heard about the medical benefits, but they are waiting on the doctor for those determinations.

I feel so mixed up right now. I am happy that we'll have some financial benefits from our son being handicapped, and that he will have those same benefits later in his life when he lives on his own, but just the fact that he was approved for these programs shows even more strongly that our son is not normal. He would never have been approved if his handicap wasn't completely legitimate, as the testing procedures for this are very thorough, as they well should be. But when I opened the letter with anticipation of some tax breaks we might receive, as I read through the conditions my heart was beating double time as it sank into the pit of my stomach. I am crying as I type this out, just feeling this pain. What did I ever do to deserve this? Why has God placed this disorder on MY child? When does the pain ever end? Why, oh why, does my little boy have to suffer? A mama is supposed to do everything for her child, to protect and love unconditionally, to see that they are happy and healthy. I am not able to do any of these, other than love. I cannot protect my child from this autism demon, I cannot see my child happy every day of his life as his autistic brain swells with fear and discomfort, I cannot see a healthy normal child laugh and play (autism always hides behind his complete mental health). My son is handicapped, and I cannot do my job as a mother is supposed to be allowed to. I just feel deflated, empty, and completely sad. I just hope when Kaed gets home, he'll have a bright smile and hug to assure me I'm doing all I can, that I am a good mama, in the only way I can be with him. Have I ever mentioned how very much I hate autism???