Fitting In

I admit I am not the easiest person to get to know. I shelter myself a bit before I let people get too close, and I protect my feelings by keeping things stored inside. I don't like to be the town gossip, nor do I like to be the outcast. But, often, that's what I feel I am. Within the confines of my own family and home, I can be me and be accepted and cherished, but out there in this dog-eat-dog world, I often feel very alone and lonely. Much of it has to do with the language barrier that plays such an impact on my life. Though I can speak Dutch fluently (at least fluently enoght to communicate and be understood) and I understand the majority of what is being said, it takes a LOT of work. It isn't easy to express myself quickly and confidently, and that gives my self-esteem a real lashing. I don't easily converse with people because I know it will take too much effort...on my part and theirs. Often, when I do partake in a conversation, I am asked to repeat what I said...sometimes numerous times as people adjust to my accent, my way of wording things, my Dutch mix-ups in sentence structure. And thus, I often remain quiet and leave myself open to those feelings of loneliness, being different, being the one that just doesn't quite fit into the group. It's my own fault, but it's just easier. When I try to join a conversation with numerous people, I often reply too slowly and they have moved on with another subject before I respond with a suitable answer. I feel really stupid sometimes. The past few days in group situations has brought me again to this ever-persistent, ever-dissatisfying issue of language. It forces me to be someone I instinctly am not. It assures me a feeling of insecurity. It lowers my self-esteem and hurts my pride. It portrays a woman that I don't want to be. It leaves me as the outcast. I notice that when I return home to America, I am much more free. I can share my opinions without having to think the process through first, I can crack a joke on whim, I can say what is on my mind. And I don't have to think first. It makes me a much more self-assured and outgoing person, the person that is hidden inside in my life here in Belgium. The person I prefer to be, the one that fits in and has that confidence. Today, as I sat with a group of moms at teh swimming pool, all engaged in various conversations, I just wanted to sink into the floor. They were all laughing and smiling, discussing their children and their lives, and I wanted to be a part...I wanted to shout out the praises of my own children, share a story about how Jari comes into our room and sleeps upside down with us (this was one of the conversations taking place), laugh with the moms discussing the recent soccer trauma, but instead I sat silent. Eventually I 'didn't even hear what was being said anymore, and when one mom finally asked me a question, I was zoned out watching my son swim adn answered with a ridiculous "Huh?" She looked at me as if I was too stupid to know what was being said,and I wanted to scream "Hey, I can understand you, I just flat out F*ing don't give a damn." But the truth is that I do care, I do want to be involved in the conversation, I do want to fit in. And that's when I let the floor swallow me up and I cried silent tears for the woman I am not allowed to be. I can understand...if only they could as well....