Hospital

Well, Jari's surgery is over. He did great and claims he can hear lots better. I hope this is true. It's very hard for a mama to go through an operation with her child. As much as you know it will offer them a better life, it is so difficult allowing your child to be put under and know what consequences *could* come from this. As I held Jari while we waited for his pre-medicine "juice" to start working, tears streamed down my face. My baby was like a drunken soldier, claiming to have wings with which he could fly and fingers which could jump. He resisted the need to relax and tried sitting and speaking with no positive results. As I gave him a last kiss at the doors of the opeartion room and returned to his own empty little hospital room with a beautifully painted ceiling, I tried to hold back the sobs that wanted to escape...I just wanted my baby in my arms. After an hour my wait was over and I had a drowsy but fixed Jari in my arms...where he slept for another 2 hours. I didn't want to put him down, but finally my arms gave out and I left him to sleep in his bed and I just watched him, so happy to have him in my life. I also thought back so many times to my early years with Kaeden...the daily trips to docs and hospitals, the code blue and such a panicking fear that raced through my body, the many IV's and breathing treatments, the days and nights waking up in a hospital room while my son laid in his bed, surrounded by plastic tents which gave him the oxygen he needed to breathe...reading stories and playing games inside his healthy bubble with him. With Jari, this was a one-time deal, no less scary, but with more hope of success, no fear that we may need to return again tomorrow. With Kaeden, we lived in the hospital for weeks at a time and knew that the next visit wouldn't be far away...when would his breathing become labored and when would we go to a doctor that requested immediate assistance from an ambulance to get him there in time to save his life? As many times as I went through his attacks with him, I could never judge myself when the situation was life-threatening...or rather, I was embarrassed that I'd bring him to the hospital only to be sent away with rolling eyes from the hospital staff over the worried single mama on state medical assistance using up their precious tax dollars. That was my place then, but as I have matured as a mother and realized what precious gifts my children are, I no longer worry about what anyone else thinks...I do what feels right, for myself and my child. I take them to appointments when I think it is needed regardless whether the doctor feels my need is justified. I am a mama and I am the very best judge of my children's health. I may not know all those medical terms, I may not know exactly where to feel for an inflamed intestine or see fluid behind my child's ear, but I know the signs...I know that a tummy ache comes from stress or obstruction, I know that if I whisper my son won't hear me, I know the look of gloomy eyes and the red cheeks of a fever even behind a smile. I know my children.

This experience with Jari has been good all around. My son had a tummy ache for 5 hours yesterday but afterwards he was back to his normal, active, vibrant self. He was playing in the sand box and playing chase with his big brother. He is a picture of good health, as is my once sickly little Riley boy. My daily worries and struggles have changed, but I am no longer timid and afraid of pitied glances. My children are my world, and they deserve health and happiness...and darnit all, that's what they'll get if this mama bear has anything to say about it all.

No diversity

I was just looking again at Jari's school picture and realize we live in a society with zero racial diversity. In his school I believe that there are 2 families with a race other than caucasian. There is a mother and little girl new to the school who are black and another family with a mother from the Antilles with a bit darker skin. We have no muslims, no Native Americans, no asians...no other races than middle-class white...and very little diversity. As I looked at the picture, I was astounded at what a white world my children are being brought up in. Okay, they are all cute kids and many of them bring smiles to my face on a daily basis...but how can I teach my children about the diverse world with such a tiny viewpoint living in our white, farming community? I could use some help on this front....

Babies

My girlfriend called me last night. I haven't talked to her in awhile as we're both busy moms...well, she gave me the news that she's expecting a baby in August...her 4th! I am so happy for her, her husband and their 3 kids. They are a wonderful family and one of those friends of a lifetime I talked about earlier. She talked about how much company they are having this summer and I jokingly told her she's lucky we're not coming too...hahaha. Really, I wish we could see her, but one trip to America can only fit in so many friends, so much family. And still be a vacation, if you know what I mean....

Anyway, I was thinking about babies. Normally, when I see a new baby, or hear about a new one to come, I am thinking about myself and "maybe just one more." Well, I am officially over my baby fever. When Gianna told me she was due, all I felt was relief that it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE babies, I love children, but my two keep me "entertained" enough. I have just enough patience for the two of them, just enough love, just enough of mama to go around for my two little guys. I'm sure I could stretch myself further if another were to come along, but I don't need another child. I am content with the family I have been blessed with. I always dreamed of having a little girl, but God has realized my ability of mothering boys and given me my handful, and I am so happy with that. Besides the fact that my husband absolutely without a doubt wants no more children...that helps solidify my own feeling.

So, I resign myself to being the mother that I am and loving the babies of all my friends instead. And I will do it from this point forth with no more jealously, no more need, no more desire. I have given enough to the world, and that's putting it mildly! hahaha Good luck, Gianna, with your diapers and wipes, cute tiny clothes, strollers and car seats. And I know that you will be happy to be blessed once again with one of God's most precious gifts. And thank you for making me realize that I have all that I need, right here in my home and my heart!!!

Mentos and Diet Coke

So, has anyone heard about this new rage in America? I think it's hilarious. Erwin can't wait to start creating his own messes!!! We were totally amazed at how many videos there are online showing these explosions. Anyway, have a peek. As I told my husband, this is definitely a healthier high than huffing...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1450915772177922792

Time for Shorts

It is hot. I've got all the windows and curtains closed to try and keep the house cooled off, but it's still seeping through. It's 36 degrees (97 F) today and inside 27 (80), reading from our weather monitor, it's plain ole hot. And as much as I love the sun, it's really not very nice outside (or inside) today. I think the hardest was that it came upon us so suddenly...weeks on end of below normal temps and then, boom, a heatwave. Anyway, I got out my shorts. Yep, time to encounter that dreaded F word...FAT!

I have a weight problem...have most of my life and it really is no fun. Putting on a pair of shorts is for most people a sign of fun and sun, but for fat people it comes with a bit of dread. Yep, people can actually see your cellulite, see all that heavy flesh, see that you're fat. As if they can't in winter clothing...yeah right. But still, for me, putting on shorts gives people more opportunity to notice the extra skin, notice that I am fat. Once those shorts cover your big bum, they no longer look at that nice woman hiding under the cover of her clothes, they don't see the pretty eyes or stunning smile, rather the skin...and white it is after hiding under that bulky winter protection. It's easy to say "Get motivated. Lose some weight. Quit eating so much." But the reality of those words is really much more complicated. If the dread of being in public isn't enough to change our eating patterns and lifestyle, to give us the motivation to lsoe weight, nothing will. It is no fun.

Summer means heading to the amusement parks and going on thrilling rides. For fat people, it means shaking in fear that you will fit in the seat, that the bar will close and leave you room to breathe. Summer means travel and vacation. To fat people it means the added worry of whether the airline will allow you on the plane without purchasing a second seat, or the embarrassment of needing a seat belt extender. And forget about trying to lower that table... Summer means swimming at the local pool. For fat people that dare to be seen in a swimsuit it means lowering your level of enjoyment and watching as people glance your way, noticing the skin hanging out of the suit, looking at you in either disgust or pity. Summer means sitting on a terrace with a thirst-quenching beer. For fat people it means wondering if you will fit in the chair, if it will hold your weight, if you can sit "just so" and squeeze in without too much hassle. Summer means fun! But for fat people, summer comes with an added bonus of ridicule.

I don't enjoy being fat. But once you're here, it's very hard to change. I'd love to be healthy and feel energetic and free to be me, but my weight stops me from that intense enjoyment. I want to change, but where do I get that motivation, that willpower, that utter need. I want my husband to walk with me in pride, my children to proudly proclaim THAT is my mama...luckily me husband and children are accepting of me for the woman that I am. They love me through the extra layers of my skin. They know I am giving and loving and good. They would still like to see me healthier, thinner, with more to offer in terms of running in the park, playing soccer without being out of breath, able to keep up with them, and not be embarrassed when we enter the gates of the amusement park. I am lucky they love me as I am, because I certainly don't love myself as I should.

So, as I don those shorts on this hot summer day, I hope that I also don a new love for myself. A love great enough to take care of me, to allow myself to enjoy life and be the outgoing woman I am without hiding in shame. To pull on not only that pair of shorts, but a motivation deep inside...to be the best that I can be...to be HOT!

America's Cheering Section

Overwhelming

UPDATE: 7:50pm- America has disappointed me :-( Biggest defeat to date in the WK. 0-3 It was somewhat what I expected (not quite so big a loss tho) but not what I had hoped. It wasn't without this American cheering section tho...On to game 2...


I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much to do before we leave for America this summer. I've got 3 weeks to get everything together...all the paperwork, cleaning, organizing, packing, etc. Since we'll be gone from home a full 2 months it just feels really unsure. Erwin will still be home, but I won't be...and I'm the one that usually takes care of all the household stuff. Before we leave I have arranged appointments with Kaed's pediatrician, his orthodontist, his caseworker. For Jari we have surgery scheduled next week. The boys both have end of year school parties the following 2 weekends and we've scheduled a day out with oma, opa, and Ilse as a summer treat before we take off. Jari has a birthday party to attend this week, the soccer coach will be visiting us in the next days, and I have prescriptions and medical passports to get organized, as well as all the paperwork for registering Kaeden's handicap. And then there's just all the regular stuff, including the World Cup. I am not a list maker even though in this case it would be helpful. Lists just make me crazy. Erwin knows how I am, starting one job and becoming distracted by another and so it goes throughout the day. When I fill a bucket of water to scrub the floors, by the time I am done cleaning the mirrors, putting away the laundry and dishes, thawing the meat for dinner, and toting toys upstairs, the water is already cold. That's just how I operate. I am disorganized and that's what makes me, me! A woman of disorganized chaos in my own "organized" fashion....HA!

Tonight America plays in the World Cup. Yesterday I was so excited about Nederland's game. I'm looking forward to watching America, but with less enthusiasm than I had with Holland. I haven't made a cake or decorated, though I will don my American t-shirt in support of my home land. I think it has somethign to do with the fact that America has little to no chance of going far in this tournament. Maybe a bit pessimistic, and if we win tonight I'll be more up to the challenge of the following games. Hmmm, patriotic I'm not in this instance and I feel guilty about it. Strange, but I do. I feel like I should be entering with optimism, but my spirit plays a different tune...and makes me question my American self. Hmph...

Well, as you can see, even my thoughts are disorganized right now. I have too much circling through this little brain of mine and not enough room to hold it all. Plus, I can't help but worry about missing my husband for 5 weeks...that's a long time to be gone from someone you're used to seeing everyday. But, we've done it befroe and will do it again.

So, time to go get something done. Got to cheer for Australia this afternoon in the game against Japan. Promised my Aussie mate I'd give her team a lil help...

Disorganized organization...that's where I'm at today...

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day in Belgium. Papa had a sleep in and we surprised him with a yummy breakfast and gifts hidden all over the garden. His sons did a great job reading and reciting their poems and he received their handmade school treasures with many smiles. I think he fared quite well. But maybe the biggest gift for this Nederlandse Papa is the upcoming soccer game this afternoon...it is Nederland's first game in the World Championships and I can assure you the blood is pumping throughout our house...as is the orange in the form of flags, banners, lamps, t-shirts and painted faces. I even made an orange cheesecake turned into a soccer ball as a special surprise for Papa. We are READY! I can't tell you how high the excitement is here today. It is a passion flowing through our veins, a love of our country and our sport, a tradition passed down to our children. I say we, becuase I, too, am totally psyched about this tournament. I couldn't wait for the first game on Friday, but today the hours are just barely ticking by as we wait for 3pm to arrive. It's almost here!!! As Erwin hangs the last lamp and I repaint the boys faces with soccer balls and Nederlandse vlaggen, all I can hear repeating itself in my head is HUP HOLLAND HUP!!! I sure hope they win. They are in a tough bracket, but with our support, surely they will take the lead. And what a super gift for Papa to cheer about on this Father's Day!!! Happy Father's Day Papa...we already know the best man is the winner...

UPDATE: 5pm: GEWONNEN!!!!! We Won! 0-1 against Serbia...we're all feeling pretty happy with the Orange!

My Baby Brother

I got a call from my baby brother last night. He may be a man of 28 with his own home, a wife, and baby number one on the way, but he's still my baby brother...and always will be. It was so good talking to him. It's been a few months since we've been able to make contact and it felt so good hearing his voice and hearing all that's happening in his life. He sounds excited about the baby on the way (but not as excited as I am...hahaha) and we talked lots of baby talk. I just couldn't leave the topic alone. I am so thrilled for him and his wife. I can't imagine anyone I think will be a better father. He's very easy going and laid back and has many hobbies. He's sensible to a fault and very secure. He's just a great guy. So, I asked my baby brother if he ever talks to his son. There was a moment of stunned silence as he wondered if I had gone nuts...could my sister possibly ask me that, he was wondering. And yes, she was! I wanted to hear about that sensitive male side that craved a chance to let his son know him. I wanted to hear that already his darling little boy knew how much his daddy loves him. I wasn't disappointed. As I proceeded to tell him about Erwin talking to Jari through the walls of my tummy, he finally admitted that he has talked to the baby, but "not had any real conversations", with a little laugh! It was one of those moments in time when I was reminded of my brother, what a private person he is, how he would never tell a secret, how he's someone you could trust without a moment of worry. I'm so glad I have someone like him in my life. He keeps me centered in that way only a brother like him can. I'm glad I had the chance to be his horse and rear up with him smiling and laughing when he was 2. I'm glad I had the chance to cheer him on through baseball game after baseball game summer after summer. I'm glad I had the chance to attend his marriage ceremony and make a speech filled with meaningful words. I'm glad I had the chance to visit his first home and take a tour of his treasured land. I'm glad I had a chance to be his sister. My baby brother, I am so proud of you. You can't begin to imagine all the good you have brought into my life...and how much more there is yet to come, especially with the birth of your firstborn child, your son. I love you, Chez.

Personality Test

I was surprised at how accurate this test was for me and would like to read the whole thing...not willing to spend the extra dough to do so, however...anyway, here's my results and the link if you want to have a go....
http://www.personality100.com


Tera, your Personality Summary
Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your High Emotional Reactivity Level
Your High Multi-tasking Ability
Your High Need for Variety
Your High Empathy/ Sensitivity Level

Subset of your Personality Measurement:
Social Need- ~45%
Openness- ~55%
Approval Need- ~53%
Ability to Focus- ~25%
Emotionality- ~85%
Reliance on Intuition- ~82%
Tolerance for Change- ~80%
Your personality is made up of a unique pattern of traits. These traits impact the way you think, feel, and behave on an everyday basis.
Your Interaction Style:
You scored 45 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily inward, rather than outward. Your mixed score in this trait creates an interesting and alluring combination of traits: You are social yet also very reflective and introspective. You like to be around people, but too much interaction drains your energy. You need to retreat every once in a while in order to recharge your batteries. Keep these needs in mind when choosing the ideal work situation for you, otherwise you won't feel happy.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.

Speed

What is it about speed that gives me such a rush? Knowing that it gives me such a rush, why can't I push myself to go faster, have more energy, get more accomplished, live life filled with that adrenaline pulsing through my body...speed, the sound of speed, the thrill of speed, the exhaustion that comes when all is still and the pumping blood begins to slow...

This weekend we went to the races. Race cars with motors so loud you hear the crashing with each beat of your heart. It fills you with this total free and energetic keenness and with the pumping of your blood you reach out for that euphoria, giving into the temptation of zooming velocity. These tiny little one-man cars with an affinity for an out-of-control existence. So totally controlled in an uncontrollable manner, sometimes slipping a little, yet pulling together in the split of an instance, back on track and into the spirit of the race. It's a bit like life in breakneck speed. The energy pulls you in, carries you through the start and then with each round that tense anticipation of the straight run and then those risky curves thrown in to keep you sharp. It's really amazing. I love speed. It's an arousing stimulation that I could do with more of in my life.

I got a speeding ticket awhile back. But I wasn't going fast enough to give me that breath-altering thrill...darn, if I was going to get a fine I should have made it worthwhile...let that breeze cut into my face, the shaking of the steering wheel rouse my rebellious spirit, screaming whooshes of air passing through my ears...maybe it's time to head back to the German highways, let myself go, and become a racer with a real trophy and champagne (that would be my lifted spirit) rather than a 50 euro hole in my pocket.

America

I am contemplating my trip to America this summer. I am so excited to be heading "home", yet at the same time have so many reservations. What does America mean to me? What role does America have in my life? How can I be patriotic to two countries, two cultures, two languages, two homes? How can I portray the importance of America to my children? How can I pass on American traditions in just a short visit to this country in which we hold citizenship?

America , land of the free, home of the brave. That sounds so beautiful. I wish I could believe that the values of our America today were the same as when those words were formed. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't feel that America is living up to its standards. Living in Europe, I have become much more patriotic to my home country. I never realized how influential and great my land was until I moved away and had the chance to experience new lands. And I love many, many things about America, but I am also saddened at how many things I see wrong. Of course, this is true for every place, pros and cons have to be weighed, and an informed viewpoint made. America is a powerful nation. There are few places you can go that haven't experienced America in some form, on some level, whether it be in an instance of war, the famed Hollywood, Bill Clinton or George Bush (okay, there are good things that people notice as well...I'm being a bit unfair :-). I guess I see America as a bit of a Supermodel. Looking at her from afar, she looks like perfection. She offers so much space and many different climates, the mixing pot of people from all nations, opportunity to voice your opinion and live freely. Yet upon closer inspection, you see the flaws in the perfect make-up and perfect clothing, and there is naturally a bit of cellulite hidden under that perfect outlook. How are Americans able to live in a middle-class society? The powers keep raising the stakes, and the morals are sinking as the ladder is being climbed. In order to fall into that middle-class, you must work, and work hard. Your vacation days are few and your evenings late. Your insurance covers the bare minimums if you have insurance at all. Children can't play outside without fear of being kidnapped, raped, or murdered. Teen pregnancy and divorce are an everyday occurrence and considered the norm. Public education is deteriorating and homeschooling becoming more widely accepted. These are a few of those flaws that I notice much more clearly now that I take a closer look.

Still, I love America. I celebrate her birthday in big fashion every year. I teach my children the special dates and talk with them about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. My children make pictures of the American flag and have heard what the starts and stripes mean (whether they someday remember is yet to be seen). They have visited much of the US and seen the Statue of Liberty. We made a special trip to Ground Zero to instill in them that American spirit. They have visited Lincoln Memorial. They know that America goes from sea to shining sea. They sing with me the Star Spangled Banner and recognize Uncle Sam. And they can find America on a map or globe. I feel that I am doing my job to create well-informed American citizens. I feel that they will someday make their own judgements about what a great land America is and be able to recognize that all supermodels have flaws, and that these flaws can be overcome, but that perfection is a rarity. I am also glad they have dual-citizenship with the options available from two different worlds. The flaws of one nation are not always held within the boundaries of another.

I am proud to be American. And I would never give up my American citizenship to claim the citizenship of another country. That would be revoking my spirit, taking away a piece of myself, the values and morals which have helped shape and form the woman that I am. However, I am willing to become a dual-citizen and take on the love of another nation, learn to bend a bit and accept the differences, claim the positives and hope to make changes in the negatives. I plan to become a Nederlander within the coming year. Yes, there is so much that I love about Holland. Yes, there is so much that I love about America. I'm so happy that I will soon once again set foot on "home"ground....and then be able to come "home" once again. After all, home is where the heart is, and my heart lives among two (or is that three) lands...

A Father's Dream

I watched as my son and his father walked together towards the soccer clubhouse this afternoon. A tall man and a little guy, each fulfilling a purpose for the other. As I watched Erwin walk I could imagine the dreams circling his mind...our little Jari was growing up, he could teach him all the tricks of the trade in the driveway next to our house, what would I have been if..., would he be the next JARI, would he manage to get that left foot trained? The first meeting for soccer sign-up was today. When I mentioned it to Erwin a few days ago, I told him I wanted him to take Jari. He made it home at 5:00 in the nick of time. Erwin loves soccer. He loved to play it as a kid, he loves to watch it as an adult. And he wonders what would have been if only he had stuck it out...he was, I take it, relatively good. He thinks he could have made it further in the sport. I felt a tiny bit of anticipation as I watched them walk together. This little boy fulfilling his father's dream at the ripe age of four. What will Jari be? Will he love the sport as his papa does? Will he spend hours kicking soccer balls against a wall? Will he live for new cleats and shin guards? An official Jersey his favorite birthday gift? All I know is that whatever it is that Jari does, whatever he becomes, whoever he turns out to be, he will be his Papa's dream come true. I saw that in the blink of an eye as I watched my husband and my son heading towards the soccer fields; that little guy that we created proud to have his papa by his side, that Papa seeing his "zoontje" in an all new light (the light of the stadium? Maybe....).

Time

Where oh where do the days go? It seems that I open my eyes in the morning, stirring in my bed and suddenly dinner time is upon me, kids home from school, husband home from work, time for me to fulfill my duties as mama and wife. But the rest of the day? I don't know what I do with my life. I have a very hard time being alone with me. I can't organize my time or my life, I can't get motivated, and once that 4 oçlock bell rings I suddenly realize the day is almost over and I have not accomplished a single thing. It is not a good feeling, day in and day out sitting waiting for something to happen to give me something to talk about, to feel as if I am important, to be me. The me I am now is not a positive thing. I do a few little tasks around the house, I watch a little tv, I do a bit on the computer, I buy groceries, pick Jari up at the scheduled hours, never challenging myself, not even a desire to challenge myself. I am not depressed, I have been that route and this is not depression, but I am lost. Who am I? What am I here on earth to do? How can I create a life as me that I can be happy with? It's as if I while away the day doing nothing...walking through a clouded blur that is my life. Maybe I need to make lists. Maybe I need to summon up some pride. Maybe I need to have more respect for who I am. I don't really know, but the days just pass me by far too quickly and I wonder just where I will be when tomorrow once again comes...

The Yellow Belt

Congratulations to Kaeden! He's made his mama proud yet again. Last night he did his exams to move from white to yellow belt in Judo. He passed!!! I was there watching and when he was finished he searched for me through the crowd and met my eyes with the biggest, happiest smile I have ever seen. His eyes were just twinkling. After his class he just kept reaching his hands up in that Rocky fashion and syaing "Yes"! It was a great moment, done completely on his own, no help from mama and papa. My son has found his passion and I am so proud of him!

Germany

When you think of Germany what passes through your mind? Maybe you think of the black forest or World War 2, Hitler and nazi concentration camps. Maybe you think of The Rhine river or of cologne named after the city in which it was created. Maybe you think of potato salad or bratwurst. When I think of Germany, I think of the past two days with my husband, a getaway weekend basking in each other's company, tired legs and feet after long walks through the city, people watching and a beer on the terrace, the river Rhine a beautiful backdrop to the Cologne Cathedral, old town with tilted houses and a wine festival in Cologne, old town with tilted houses and a bike festival in Dusseldorf, wood burning bratwurst stands, a flea market flowing along the boardwalk on the Rhine. Germany, just an hour from my home, a perfect change of pace, change of culture, change of language...a new experience.

Germany is an interesting place to visit. Only an hour to the border, it gives me the feeling of being in another completely different land...I can't speak the language, I don't know the rules of etiquette, the food is similar in a different sort of way, the beer flowing before noon. I love, love, love going to places where everything turns you topsy turvey and you feel so foreign. It gives me a chance to look back on my life and see how far I have come. In six years time I am a new person. I can speak two languages, I know the importance of coffee tables and birthday circles, I realize that wearing my tennis shoes will make people look my way, as will bright colored clothes. Oops....time to get Jari, I'll finish this later....

Ears

Today we took Jari to the ear specialist for his follow-up appointment. Things have not improved. His hearing is nowhere near what it should be, as we already knew just experiencing everyday life with him. So, today we scheduled his surgery. I am a ball of nerves. Though it is a pretty minor surgery, he'll still be put under and that is what scares me. How will he react to the anesthesia? Will he come out of it all okay? I am hopeful that his hearing problems will be corrected, and what a relief that will be. But still, the thought of the surgery scares me. Luckily I have already experienced it with Kaeden and know somewhat what to expect. And I am so happy that he'll be able to hear the birds singing, hear the doorbell ring, hear the cars passing by the house, hear me tell him I love him. Now, if you don't speak loudly and he's not focussed on you, he doesn't hear. We have tested him by whispering "Do you want some candy?" and he has no response. That hits me as hard as the thought of my baby going under. Anyway, we're scheduled for June 6, hopefully able to change it as Erwin can't get off that day and I need him by my side. He is much less emotional about these things than I am...still, he should be there. We need to have it done before we fly to America as the doctor was concerned about the pain he could experience on a flight with his ears as they are. So, hopefully no complications, hopefully all will go smoothly, and hopefully, my baby will soon be able to once again hear and enjoy life to the fullest.

A Day In The Life

What an afternoon I had planned with the boys. Just before the bus was due to come, I told them I was taking them bowling after we stopped off in town to do some banking and get some prescriptions from the pharmacy. They were overtly excited...first riding on the bus which they just love and then bowling...wow, mom sure is in a good mood! Unfortunately, it didn't take long and that feeling was put to rest. Some days, I just don't know what to do. Some days my heart sinks down to my toes. Some days I really hate being a mom. Some days I loathe autism.

We went to the bank to pick up Kaeden's new bank card. He was very happy as he signed his newfound signature on the back of the card. Then he goes on to ask the lady if he can deposit his money. Suddenly bells go off in my head...money? Okay, he should have 4 euro, but he spent that at teh grocery store getting me something a couple days ago. He really shouldn't have any money. When I ask him how much he is planning to deposit he says "26 euro 60 cents." Oh no! My heart sunk. We're back to square one, or even lower if that's possible. I excused us from the bank and sat him down on a bench asking where the money came from. "I found it." No way, no way do I believe that for a second. Come on Kaed, out with it. "Well, here's the 5 euro I got from your purse. But the rest I found." Where'd you find it? "On the table." Kaeden, if you find money on the table, that doesn't make it yours. But there wasn't that much money on the table, so where'd you get it? "Some came out of the drawer in my room. Some I found at school on the ground. " Now, if this kid really found/received as much money as he does, he'd never have to work a day in his life. Tears started streaming down my face. His brain really doesn't work...he does not understand the concept of stealing. And no matter how often we go through this scenario, it never sinks in. I feel defeated. But it doesn't end there.

I try to call Erwin to get his opinion on what to do. I really want to go bowling, and Jari shouldn't have to suffer because of this, but at the same time my heart is no longer in it and I know I can't reward Kaeden with a day out for stealing. Erwin doesn't answer. So, I decide to head to the store to pick up some Oreo's. I saw them in the flyer this morning and they are not produced here, so I thought an AMerican treat would be nice and at a good price. As I loked for the Oreo's Jari asked to pick some bulk candy. I told him that he could, but that Kaeden may not since he had stolen money. Kaeden grabbed a bag I had in my hand and ripped it open, flinging everything onto the floor and began to scream...I knew we were headed for a meltdown. As I tried to capture Kaeden to get him outside where his tantrum would be less noticeable, he ran from me, cursing and screaming. I let him go (which is really the best thing to do in these cases...he self calms faster than if you approach him), and quickly helped Jari so we could head to checkout. People watched Kaeden running wild through the store. It was obvious to them that something was wrong with my child. At least at that moment it was obvious and I wasn't being judged on my parenting as is normally the case. As we passed the Oreo's I aslo grabbed a couple boxes and Kaeden noticed. As quick as his tantrum had started, it was over. I felt relief as he calmly said "These are from America, huh mom? Can we have some when we get home?" I felt relief, so mcuh relief, as my son returned to the sweet, darling little boy everyone loves. Nobody would even have a clue it was the same child from only minutes before. I think the people in the store were in total shock, including the mom of a boy in Kaed's judo class. At the same time, I was devoid of emotion. I wanted to be Kaeden, running away and screaming, letting out all my hatred for autism, for taking my child and keeping him from being a normal little boy. I took the kids hands and we started walking towards home. Kaeden kept talking about how his brain is weird and doesn't work good and he needs to go to the hospital to find out what is wrong with him. Not what a mama wants to hear from her child. He's so confused. I wish I could explain.

So much for our special afternoon together. As we walked home, a huge rainstorm blew down on us. We were drenched and nearly blown away. I didn't notice, as my mind and spirit feel just as beaten down.

Sneak Peek

Erwin and I started our life together not as a couple, but as a family. We never had the opportunity to be just the two of us. Because of that, we treasure all the time we have with just us. We love those moments when oma and opa or gramma and grampa offer to take the boys overnight and we can relax in each other's company. As much as we love our boys and enjoy our time with them as a family, those special moments together really recharge our batteries, give us a chance to remember what it was that drew us together in the first place, share time doing what we love to do together when we don't have to account for children who will be bored, or make sure there are children's activities available, or bring a backpack filled with toy cars and coloring books and extra drinks and snacks. It is so peaceful when it's just him and I. Sometimes we get those moments when we hire in our babysitter, just a few hours away to break the rhythm of daily life. This week, our babysitter came and Erwin and I had absolutely no plan! It was actually kinda funny as Erwin and the sitter arrived home simultaneously. Erwin says "So, what's the plan?" I had none. So, we let the sitter take the boys off to Judo and the playground while we hounded the internet for something to do. We started life together with the help of the internet and it serves in our daily life for everything. We couldn't live without it...nor would we want to. Anyway, we checked out the movies that were playing. Noticing there was a Sneak Preview, I asked if Er had ever attended one. He hadn't and neither had I so we decided to head to Weert for dinner and a movie. An evening with mystery, not knowing what what on our agenda, just as we didn't at the moment the sitter arrived. An eveing with that excitement of what is to come. As we headed to eat with not quite enough time, we realized the restaurant I sometimes get away to with my friend Lisa was closed...darn, they have really wonderfully taste-tempting food. But okay, plenty of other cafes to choose from. As we walked along looking at the menu boards, we realized that McDonals'd would have to be our choice! We just couldn't let an evening go without including the kids somehow...hahaha. We went on in and ordered...no kids meals as is our usual, and we had the entire restaurant virtually to ourselves...we had an hour til the film began and we ate and talked and read the paper and it was really very nice. As the time pushed on, I was getting more and more excited. A sneak peek...something I know lots about as I try to uncover what my gifts are before the holiday. This makes Erwin so annoyed. He now makes sure I don't touch the packages by placing a little object to let him know if I have touched, like a screw set in a certain position, or a piece of paper laid on top of the box that I didn't notice, but he notices is missing...that sort of thing. I just love the excitement of those little sneak peeks...what will it be? Is it something fun or useful or beautiful? I was having those same thoughts waiting for the movie to begin. Was it a drama or a comedy, action or horror? Would it be something both Erwin and I would enjoy? As the lights dimmed I grabbed Erwin's hand and giggled...exciting? I asked him and though he wasn't quite so over the moon as I, he too was awaiting that moment when we would know. Just as the movie started, I turned to him and jokingly said "Üh Oh, it's a ladie's movie." Unfortunately, I was kinda right! But it was also a bit fun, a different sort of film, a British movie. It was a bit slow in some parts but it was okay. We both laughed a few times and both felt sorry for one character. We both decided it wasn't a film we would have normally paid to see, but it was not bad for not knowing. It was like a gift you finally open after waiting and waiting, and it's not exactly what you had hoped for, but think, hey, this is kinda interesting...and it sorta grows on you after time. The title of the film was never revealed. After we returned home, paid the sitter, and were told our boys were little angels, Erwin immediately booted up the computer (I told you it's a member of our family!), clicked on Internet Explorer, and looked up Luce and Rachel. There it was, staring us in the face, our special surprise... Imagine Me and You....

Imagine Me and You and you and me...as we watched the trailer the meaning was a bit deeper. I don't have to imagine it anymore. I have my husband, by my side, day in, day out. I enjoy being with him, sharing time with him, getting through the ups and downs life throws our way. I don't have to imagine it, but I can live it. Those butterflies that overtake your system at the beginning of a relationship turn into the deep love for your partner as time wears on. Like Rachel and Luce with obstacles to overcome to be allowed to love, so had Erwin and I. ...the only one for me is you and you for me, so happy together....For all my life.

Staying Home

Jari is not legally required to attend school until he is 6 years old. The majority of kids start at 2. So did Jari, parttime. But today, he slept in late and I decided to let him be. Besides needing his cutey rest, I needed his presence today...and he's done me wonders of good. How is it possible that such a tiny little person can create such an amazingly deep love? This little person with blue eyes and straight blonde hair, pasty white skin and pronounced almost always red ears, teeth with a gap and soft pink lips...how did I make something so beautiful and how does he instinctively know when mama needs his extra special care? He is an amazing being and I am so proud that he is mine. Today, he gave me a picture he made me last night. A great big picture of mama with a big smile and outstretched arms, I assume for a great big hug. He wanted it hung on the bathroom door. He then asked me to make a Jari for him...which I did in my non-professional drawing sense and he was thrilled...especially with the pyjamas that look just like his. Those little tiny details that he takes notice of, that make that difference in his life, that make him feel special. He is special and I am glad that I am able to bring him contentment. He then wanted to make a castle. He's very good at castles, as both Erwin and I have instilled this love of ours into both of our children. When we visit a castle, all four of us are completely in our element. My favorite are the ruins where you can concoct your own images of the past, decorate it to your liking, see the life that was in the manner you prefer. For my boys, this means fighting...there are always canons and watch towers and guards and soldiers. For me, I see the women baking with stone ovens and firepits with kettles of steaming soup. Erwin is more historical and practical, thinking back to that period in time, what was happening in the world then, where this particular castle fit into that picture, where the water was to aid in protection. Each of us walks through the castle feeling a certain excitement and fulfillment, recognizing that we are experiencing history as we touch stone walls from hundreds of years before. It's really a very touching experience. And a family one. We are working our way through a book with all the castles in the Benelux listed...and hoping to visit each at some point in our lives.

But, now I am rambling, you can see how my mind is working today, no order, no completion, no...well, you get the idea. I'm just not flowing, my veins filled with chaos and uncertainty and confrontation. As grounded as Jari has helped me to be, I still have a long way to go today. I'm not carefree today. I'm not at peace. But as I see this little boy sitting on the couch watching one of his favorite shows, Big Cook, Little Cook, and sniffing with a tiny bit of a runny nose, a stamp on his forehead, I realize that I need to return to me. Because my son loves his mommy. When I went to bed last night, he was already snuggled in next to Papa. As I pulled the covers around me, he sleepily whispered "Mama?" and wrapped am arm around my neck. That is how I woke this morning, with my son's breath on my face, keeping me warm, his toes pushed between my legs. I'm glad he's here with me today. As much as he needs his mommy, I need my little boy. I'm glad he's staying home.