Staying Home

Jari is not legally required to attend school until he is 6 years old. The majority of kids start at 2. So did Jari, parttime. But today, he slept in late and I decided to let him be. Besides needing his cutey rest, I needed his presence today...and he's done me wonders of good. How is it possible that such a tiny little person can create such an amazingly deep love? This little person with blue eyes and straight blonde hair, pasty white skin and pronounced almost always red ears, teeth with a gap and soft pink lips...how did I make something so beautiful and how does he instinctively know when mama needs his extra special care? He is an amazing being and I am so proud that he is mine. Today, he gave me a picture he made me last night. A great big picture of mama with a big smile and outstretched arms, I assume for a great big hug. He wanted it hung on the bathroom door. He then asked me to make a Jari for him...which I did in my non-professional drawing sense and he was thrilled...especially with the pyjamas that look just like his. Those little tiny details that he takes notice of, that make that difference in his life, that make him feel special. He is special and I am glad that I am able to bring him contentment. He then wanted to make a castle. He's very good at castles, as both Erwin and I have instilled this love of ours into both of our children. When we visit a castle, all four of us are completely in our element. My favorite are the ruins where you can concoct your own images of the past, decorate it to your liking, see the life that was in the manner you prefer. For my boys, this means fighting...there are always canons and watch towers and guards and soldiers. For me, I see the women baking with stone ovens and firepits with kettles of steaming soup. Erwin is more historical and practical, thinking back to that period in time, what was happening in the world then, where this particular castle fit into that picture, where the water was to aid in protection. Each of us walks through the castle feeling a certain excitement and fulfillment, recognizing that we are experiencing history as we touch stone walls from hundreds of years before. It's really a very touching experience. And a family one. We are working our way through a book with all the castles in the Benelux listed...and hoping to visit each at some point in our lives.

But, now I am rambling, you can see how my mind is working today, no order, no completion, no...well, you get the idea. I'm just not flowing, my veins filled with chaos and uncertainty and confrontation. As grounded as Jari has helped me to be, I still have a long way to go today. I'm not carefree today. I'm not at peace. But as I see this little boy sitting on the couch watching one of his favorite shows, Big Cook, Little Cook, and sniffing with a tiny bit of a runny nose, a stamp on his forehead, I realize that I need to return to me. Because my son loves his mommy. When I went to bed last night, he was already snuggled in next to Papa. As I pulled the covers around me, he sleepily whispered "Mama?" and wrapped am arm around my neck. That is how I woke this morning, with my son's breath on my face, keeping me warm, his toes pushed between my legs. I'm glad he's here with me today. As much as he needs his mommy, I need my little boy. I'm glad he's staying home.