A Day In The Life

What an afternoon I had planned with the boys. Just before the bus was due to come, I told them I was taking them bowling after we stopped off in town to do some banking and get some prescriptions from the pharmacy. They were overtly excited...first riding on the bus which they just love and then bowling...wow, mom sure is in a good mood! Unfortunately, it didn't take long and that feeling was put to rest. Some days, I just don't know what to do. Some days my heart sinks down to my toes. Some days I really hate being a mom. Some days I loathe autism.

We went to the bank to pick up Kaeden's new bank card. He was very happy as he signed his newfound signature on the back of the card. Then he goes on to ask the lady if he can deposit his money. Suddenly bells go off in my head...money? Okay, he should have 4 euro, but he spent that at teh grocery store getting me something a couple days ago. He really shouldn't have any money. When I ask him how much he is planning to deposit he says "26 euro 60 cents." Oh no! My heart sunk. We're back to square one, or even lower if that's possible. I excused us from the bank and sat him down on a bench asking where the money came from. "I found it." No way, no way do I believe that for a second. Come on Kaed, out with it. "Well, here's the 5 euro I got from your purse. But the rest I found." Where'd you find it? "On the table." Kaeden, if you find money on the table, that doesn't make it yours. But there wasn't that much money on the table, so where'd you get it? "Some came out of the drawer in my room. Some I found at school on the ground. " Now, if this kid really found/received as much money as he does, he'd never have to work a day in his life. Tears started streaming down my face. His brain really doesn't work...he does not understand the concept of stealing. And no matter how often we go through this scenario, it never sinks in. I feel defeated. But it doesn't end there.

I try to call Erwin to get his opinion on what to do. I really want to go bowling, and Jari shouldn't have to suffer because of this, but at the same time my heart is no longer in it and I know I can't reward Kaeden with a day out for stealing. Erwin doesn't answer. So, I decide to head to the store to pick up some Oreo's. I saw them in the flyer this morning and they are not produced here, so I thought an AMerican treat would be nice and at a good price. As I loked for the Oreo's Jari asked to pick some bulk candy. I told him that he could, but that Kaeden may not since he had stolen money. Kaeden grabbed a bag I had in my hand and ripped it open, flinging everything onto the floor and began to scream...I knew we were headed for a meltdown. As I tried to capture Kaeden to get him outside where his tantrum would be less noticeable, he ran from me, cursing and screaming. I let him go (which is really the best thing to do in these cases...he self calms faster than if you approach him), and quickly helped Jari so we could head to checkout. People watched Kaeden running wild through the store. It was obvious to them that something was wrong with my child. At least at that moment it was obvious and I wasn't being judged on my parenting as is normally the case. As we passed the Oreo's I aslo grabbed a couple boxes and Kaeden noticed. As quick as his tantrum had started, it was over. I felt relief as he calmly said "These are from America, huh mom? Can we have some when we get home?" I felt relief, so mcuh relief, as my son returned to the sweet, darling little boy everyone loves. Nobody would even have a clue it was the same child from only minutes before. I think the people in the store were in total shock, including the mom of a boy in Kaed's judo class. At the same time, I was devoid of emotion. I wanted to be Kaeden, running away and screaming, letting out all my hatred for autism, for taking my child and keeping him from being a normal little boy. I took the kids hands and we started walking towards home. Kaeden kept talking about how his brain is weird and doesn't work good and he needs to go to the hospital to find out what is wrong with him. Not what a mama wants to hear from her child. He's so confused. I wish I could explain.

So much for our special afternoon together. As we walked home, a huge rainstorm blew down on us. We were drenched and nearly blown away. I didn't notice, as my mind and spirit feel just as beaten down.