I am so cold. Last night I was literally shivering even tho it was 23 C inside...my body just never seems to warm completely up. I grabbed a balnkie, laid on the couch, and fell asleep...Erwin did the same, but without the blankie! We woke up about 2:30 and went to bed where I found my lil guy snuggled under our covers...how'd he get in there without me hearing him?

It was a bad night. I was not in the happiest of spirits by the time the kids fell asleep. When i picked Jari up from soccer practice I realized he was really tired...he was whining about everything, sobbing in tears during dinner, and just being a really tired kid. I also knew Kaeden had Judo til 8 and that'd mean another late night for the kids. So, I decided to forego Judo and get them to bed early so I could help Erwin and then go to my cooking class. BUT, I didn't anticipate the problems my decision would cause....but problems is what I was dealt. After telling Kaed we weren't going to Judo tonight, he ran as fast as he could and got his Judo uniform on. This after he refused to eat quickly so I could take him. I explained again that we weren't going, and then all hell broke loose. Chairs knocked over, things thrown whizzing past my head, the table found a new position in the kitchen, and my son was doing his bear growl which is a definite sign that he is angry and can't express himself. I won't even go into details about the rest, but it was an extremely trying night. And by the time I weighted Kaeden down by laying on him in his bed and pressing the sides of his head together to help him relax, I was exhausted, my body felt battered, my spirit felt shattered...and I had no desire more to attend my cooking class...all I wanted to do was climb under my warm blankets and fall asleep.

I was grateful Erwin took charge of leaving the room and getting Jari away from the situation for two reasons. One, Erwin cannot handle Kaeden when he's in a tantrum and his anger just makes it worse and two I don't like Jari to ahve to see it cuz it scares him. However, I couldn't help being a bit upset with Erwin...he just can't let things go and doesn't anticipate when he needs to leave Kaeden be, give him a chance to "shake it off", not allow his anger to escalate Kaeden's rage as well. And as his raging tantrum was coming on stronger and with more force, Erwin didn't know enough to step back and forget his bad behavior...he had to keep pressing and doing what I call "making it worse".

This is a huge debate inside my mind. I do not know what is the best means of handling this situation. I understand Erwin's need to let Kaeden know he is not acting okay, I understand his need to discipline him for his bad behavior. But, I also know that if he is acting terrible and I can see a rage is coming on, I know that if I give just a little, it will not be a terrifying experience for all of us. So, I tend to let it go while Erwin can't. Both of us have reasons for our actions, both of us understand why we react as we do, neither of us want an explosion...but neither of us handles the situation correctly. I don't know what is correct. I don't know what is right. All I know is I want peace in my home, among the members of my family. And in our home, peace doesn't come on a daily basis.

I feel sad about this situation. Autism is once again a demon and makes my child into a demon as well...my loving, giving little boy with his fast smile and twinlking eyes is stripped away and replaced by a growling, foaming at the mouth animal with the strength that true adrenaline brings. And with each raging episode we live through, my soul is stripped of happiness and replaced by days of sadness and fear, worry and despair...so, that's where I'm at right now. It's not a fun palce to be.

1 comment:

tlawwife said...

I hurt for you as I read this. There is no pain quite like that of not being able to help your child and not being able to control a situation. I have so much respect for you and the way you handle your trials.