Morning, afternoon, evening or night...life is always happening. Let me tell you what's happening in mine.
1.19.2007
Hellish Week
This has been a week from hell...it almost feels as if I have been living it in a kind of dream, a kind of out of body experience. I can't even begin to describe how miserable I feel today, how miserable I've felt the entrie week. As I rode my bike to take Jari to school this morning, all the branches and garbage from the storm yesterday were littering the street and sidewalks and I realized that my life is just like all that litter. My life is not regulated at all, but comes blowing in and then settles wherever it gets stuck. I wonder if it'll ever be cleaned up? As a mom from Jari's class smiled at me and waved from her car, I had to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend I was happily beginning my day...what she didn't know was all the negative energy coursing through my body, filling me with dread. I feel like I can't do it anymore, like there's nothing positive coming from my days...they just all run together and eventually a year is complete...and what have I accomplished in that time? I really need to get a bit more out of life. I can't give anything to the people I love when I have nothing to give. It's straining my mothering, my marriage, and my friendships. I'm just depleted. I feel like if I wasn't here tomorrow that nobody would even notice. This is not teh life I had dreamed for myself, let alone my husband and my children. I've got to take some steps to try to make it better, but how do I begin when all I want to do is disappear? I have no energy, no motivation, no smile that comes from within. I can't wait til this week is over. I hope with the new week a bit of happiness can also fill my soul.
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6 comments:
I know where you are right now Tera, I have been there and I re visit that place now and again. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything WILL be OK and that things WILL get better... but in the end it won't really matter what I say to you... it is what you tell yourself each day that is the most important. Tell yourself how wonderful of a person you are, how gorgeous and loving your 2 little boys are, how caring your husband is and how he is always there if you need him, how living in Belgium will never be home in your heart but it is home for now. Start to see the little things that matter the most and you will find that smile again, you won't have to fake one. Take each day as it comes and get the most out of that day... it will get better, but it does take time. I am here for you. Amanda xox
I too have been exactly where you have been. It is hard when you are a stay at home mom and everything you do gets undone as soon as you do it. Everyone around you looks so happy and fulfilled but really they are putting on fake smiles sometimes too. I know that deep down you know how important you are and that you are a great mom. Each day you have to decide to be happy. Be thankful for what you have and enjoy each moment. I have not had an autistic child and I do know that makes it worse for you on some days because you feel hopeless. I think God gave you that child because he knows that you can handle it.
I used to do things that I see you doing. I wrote down my feelings. No one ever read them (including me) but I felt better for writing them. I met my husband at the door and went out as he went in. I spaced out in front of the tv and did no work for days (ok I'm not proud of that one but it was how I coped). Then I decided to do things that made me happy. I see you doing that too. The choir, your classes. Those are all things that bring you fulfillment. I learned that I have cycles of depression. My husband and I learned to identify the cycles and now when they come I say well here we go again and neither one of us expects much from me during that time. I don't like it so I work within myself to end it but I am not sure that I can. They are further and further between now. Sometimes I think they are stress related. (I overcommit myself.)
Mostly just hang in there. It is worth it and you are worth it. I also have at different times had different mantras that I tell myself over and over. Some of them are.
I'm ok because God don't make junk.
This too will pass.
I'm not a housewife because it would have divorced me.
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Those men in your life love you and you are very important to them!!! You fight their fight for them and every good warrior needs some down time. But most fights don't go the way they are planned. You have to be able to change plans midstream. I have read your blog enough to know that you do.
You are an american woman let those Europeans hear you roar!!
You're in my prayers.
Hi :o)
I have a daughter with ADD and aspergers. I have had a life that your last post pretty much discribes. Allthough my daughter has recently decided that she's better off without us. http://cactusfreek.blogspot.com/
You are a real person with real needs as well as everyone else. You really need some "You" time each day, and it can be done. Disorder is just order being dissed :o)
Do you have somewhere you can escape to for a day or two to get some breathing space?
Don't be too disheartened. This is just a season :o)
you have been tagged... look on my blog for the questions :) HUGS Amanda. xox
I have only read this post, but I'd like to ask you if maybe you are just in deep depression? From the tone of your post I have to think so. I understand, I've been there. I'm not far from there right now. I wish you the best. Just remember ...things do not stay the same. Life is everchanging. I hope you feel better soon.
Lots of hugs from P & J in the UK.
We're trying to plan a trip to Belgium - so hopefully we'll see you guys this year xxx
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