Tera Needs

Here's something I found on a pretty fun blog over at http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/ Thought I'd try it and here's what I got. Just do a Google search for ("Your name" needs ) and see what it is you're needing in your life. Kinda fun for a Friday morning! :-)

TERA

needs donations from the public. No amount is too small, and all currencies are welcome.
needs donations to support women
needs to get out
Needs You!
a few good volunteers!
more women
needs to visually shut down
needs a creative push

And on Alta Vista I need:
to go below target weight we had set.
to connect, not only to a large number
advice!
to get out
defending
to get on stage
to have the power

When Things Go Wrong

as they sometimes will, and the road you battle seems all uphill...

Yeah, don't quit. Sometimes being a parent I feel like such a failure and just want to quit. But I can't. I carried these children in my womb, I gave them life, and I now have to raise them to adulthood. But it sure ain't easy. At this point in time, I wan't to quit. I am so sick of the constant fighting, the whining, the meanstreaks, being disrespected, and called names I wouldn't consider letting pass my lips. I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong, and my kids are turning out to be nasty little hooligans. I just feel helpless and hopeless and don't know what to do. I really can't stand my kids lately. I never expected to have such mean brats...and that's exactly what they are.

So, how do I turn them around? How do I begin setting them up to be good citizens? How can I teach them right from wrong? When Kaeden was a baby, I refused to spank. I still don't like it and think it sends a wrong message, and I don't like what it does to my kdis, how they back away in fear from me. But sometimes, it makes an impact and it's the only time they look at me with as someone to be looked up to. How can I get that same result without using spanking as the medium?

Jari has always been a stubborn, but great kid. Lately, he is the meanest, snottiest little brat that lives on the planet. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, as I know he's elarning a lot from his big brother, and sometimes I worry that living with autism is wreaking havok on his little brain....I know it does on his body. But at the same time, that's the way it is darn it all, you have to live with this and you have to get beyond it. Don't treat me in the exact manner you yourself hate to be treated. At five years old, you treat me as I would expect (hmm, this sounds terrible) a teenager to rebel against his parents. I'm so sick of fighting with him.

Kaeden and his nasty mouth has gotten the best of me. I can't believe some of the words he uses that I just accept as normal. How many 12-year-olds are there in the world that would get away with calling their mother a fat whore? Or a big bitch...something along the lines of "Fuck you, you big bitch. You are such a fat whore." as he runs to his room, for something like, oh, being asked to pick up his wet towel and put it in the bathroom. And his strength scares me. I am fearful that he is going to really hurt someone sometime...and I would never forgive myself if that happened to be his little brother, whom is on the receiving end of the majority of his brute force.

Erwin and I are constantly at odds over parenting, but neither of us is doing the right thing. Both of us knows what we're doing is not working, but we just don't know how to change it. We don't know how to deal with the crisis that is part of life everyday in our home. We don't know how to parent an autistic child and his little brother that copies his every move. And I get so angry at Erwin when he stoops to their level, treating them as he is being treated, disrespectfully and flat out mean. Yet, why shouldn't he? Why should he be thrown all that brattiness his way and be expected to react any differently? I just don't know. And that's such a huge problem.

At the moment, I am hating being a parent. I wish I had never signed on to this life-long contract. But I did. When I chose to give these children life, I chose to do my very best to rear them to become men, men that are happy, healthy, and secure. But they forgot to give me the manual when I signed on that dotted line, and still there's no turning back. I am stuck being their mom, and I only hope that there comes a day again soon when their kisses, laughter, and funny comments can make me see that I made a good choice, and put their bratty, mean, snotty ways into the background of my life. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I flip out.

Wedding

This afternoon, Kaeden put on the video of our wedding. As I ironed my husband's shirts, I looked back at the memorable day that set us out on our married life. It was such a beautiful wedding, such a beautiful day, and it was as close to perfection as we could have gotten. I watched as the emotions ran high when it was my turn to say my vows, as tears fell down my cheeks. I watched as my baby played in the sand and then cried for milk the entire ceremony. I watched as my son released butterflies into the sky, and one wouldn't leave his hand. I watched as Jari went running behind the rocks and my mom went to collect him. I watched as my dad wiped tears from his eyes as Daddy's girl was sung by my godmother and good friend. I watched as my grandparents sat next to each other on some blocks of wood, and as my brothers and their families sat scattered among the rocks. I watched as my father-in-law sang Ave Maria, and as my mother-in-law wiped at her eyes with a handkerchief pulled from her bra. I watched as my sister-in-law handed over our rings to my husband...the wrong ones! I watched all of this, and remembered...remembered all the reasons I chose to marry my wonderful husband. In the daily chore of life, those special things about that person you love, your mate in life, is forgotten or set aside, but when you sit and think about who you chose to be your partner in life, all that wonder comes flowing through your veins again, as powerful and mind-boggling as that first kiss you shared.

I am so happy I married my husband. He supports me, he loves me, he gives, and he loves my children more than any other man I know could have. He is my ideal man. And as I watched those visions of our marriage day, I am happy that in the ups and downs we've experienced since that day, my love for him has never faltered, but grown more and become stronger. Mr. and Mrs. Erwin ......, voor altijd...en een dag! Ik hou van jou! ;-)

Consulate

After weeks of trying to reach the consulate in Antwerpen, Erwin finally got through...and now the date is set! June 13 we head on over to turn me into a Dutchie!!! I am feeling extremely nervous about all of this, now that the time is finally here. All my paperwork is in order, but what kind of test is he going to give me? Will my Dutch be good enough to pass as a citizen? Am I going to have to sing the national Wilhelmus anthem? Am I going to have to know all about the Dutch goverment and royal family? Will I understand his Dutch well enough to understand his questions? My stomach is fluttering with butterflies at the prospect of handing over 400 euro with my integrity on the line.

I am so excited at the prospect of becoming a dual-citizen. Being able to keep my American passport as well as have my Dutch one will give me a great peace of mind. I will have all the rights as a Dutch citizen, since I will be a Dutch citizen! Doesn't that sound terrific? I think it does. And if anything should happen to my husband, I will have the security of knowing I am welcome in Europe...anyplace in Europe will be mine for the taking. I will be able to collect a pension, I will be able to vote, I will be able to cross borders as a European without waiting in the non-EU line!! My home will be completely mine without needing to pay higher taxes. I will be completely integrated into this life I have created for myself here in Europe. It's exciting stuff, I tell ya!

So, off to read some more news and get myself conditioned for any questions that might come my way. I just hope that I am able to pass with flying colors...God knows I've had to do plenty of flying these past 7 years!!! Now comes the real test...none of that 24 hour flight stuff...this is a life-long flight, and one I fully expect to conquer. Wish me luck...I'm gonna need it!

First Communion

Sunday was Mother's Day. It was a very special Mother's Day as it was also the day Kaeden celebrated his first communion. And he was in a complete state of happiness the entire day, his eyes were shining and I enjoyed just watching him rejoice in his special day.

We went to his school after all of us dressing in our Sunday best. We dropped Kaeden off with his teacher and then headed to the gym where the ceremony was to be held. We were met by his godparents and oma and opa, who sat further back while we took our reserved parent seats...the perfect place to see our son receive the body of Christ, the perfect place to watch him climb on stage and sing his song, the perfect place to watch him dance along with the other children.

The theme of his communion was the most beautiful fish in the sea. This sea of little children, this sea of varied hadicaps brought tears to my eyes as I watched. All these little people God put here on earth, with some purpose in mind, and as I sat and looked around me, I was overtaken by emotion. In the gym were 500 onlookers for 22 children...each of those people has been positively enhanced by the handicap of the child they love, and as we all laughed together at the funny things the children said, we all clapped when they finished their part, we all prayed together, giving thanks to the Lord for his blessing of these little people in our lives. I saw parents crying as their child received the body of Christ, and some, like me, got a bit giggly with emotion even as tears created a glaze over my eyes. It was special, and I am glad I was able to take that peace home with me. And that understanding. An understanding of the importance of special children, and those that love our special children.

We came home to celebrate. kaeden poured his glass of kiddie wine, lit the candles on his cake, and waited patiently for us to sing to him. He opened his gifts and was extremely happy with each that he received. He didn't dare hope for a better day than what he had, because it truly was perfect...a small affair, with special people and fun gifts, a smorgasbord of delicious food, and sunshine that spettered down from between the rain clouds. God was with us.

Mother's Day. The gift I received in seeing that complete happiness flowing from my son was more wonderful than any other gift I could have received. I did get a terracotta lamp handpainted by my boys and husband, a plastic bag holder handpainted by Jari, and a whole bunch of yummy chocolates handmade by Kaeden. I see a theme here...handmade, handpainted...my favorite gifts of all. Mother's Day. A day to celebrate me, but where would I be if it weren't for the goodness of the Lord putting my special little boys in my life, my heart, and my home? I think that in the end, God gave me the very best gift of all. And for that, I give Him thanks.

Kaeden and Friends

Today I had another one of those autistic mom moments that sort of break your heart. As I dropped Jari off at a friend's house to play, and stayed for an hour drinking coffee and talking, Kaeden joined in the fun with the other 5 little boys in the house. Kaeden doesn't have friends, but considers anyone he plays with at whateevr moment his best friend. As I finished my coffee and got my coat on to leave, I called Kaeden away to come with me. He left without any problem, but was very sulky when we got home. I asked him what the trouble was, and with tears in his eyes, he told me he just wanted to play with the other kids. He wondered why he couldn't stay and play with his "best friends" and why he could never have friends come to play here. I told him that he couldn't just stay if he wasn't invited, and wished for once he would also be invited along. But the fact of the matter is that the kids Jari play with have big brothers, but they are all still much younger than Kaeden in years, if not in mental age. And they are not his true friends, as much as he considers them so from the moments he plays with them during soccer practices and games. And as much as I would love to see my house bursting at the seams with preteen boys, Kaeden just doesn't have friends, and today that simple fact was hurting both of our hearts. I told him he could always invite one of his "friends" from his bus to come home with him, and that I'd even write the mother a note asking to call me to set up a playdate. But the truth is, that if someone invited Kaeden to come home with them, I wouldn't let him go without knowing anything about the family or at least meeting the parents when I dropped him off. The situation he's in just doesn't lend to having friends, neither mentally nor physically, and I hurt for him. I'm scared that as he gets older, these little things are just going to keep getting more noticeable. It's just one of those things about autism.

Caught in the Act

This morning I got caught! I was doing something that I really shouldn't have been, but hey, it's my house and usually I am alone IN my house...but not this morning. My son caught me red-handed...and admonished me for doing what I always tell them not to do. Oops! What was I doing, you're wondering? Well, of course I was drinking out of the carton...fresh juice poured directly onto my thirsty tongue without dirtying a glass in the process!

I didn't even think twice as I grabbed the carton from the fridge and started to drink. It's not something I normally do unless there is just a dribble left, but seemed fitting today, for whatever reason. And when Jari came into the kitchen, he pointed his finger at me and said with his stern voice "Hey, you can't do that. It's not nice to drink from the container. And if you tell me I can't do that, then you can't do that either." I lowered my eyes and my head in that cowering position as you do when your father is cussing you out. I quickly replaced the juice and told Jari he's right, I shouldn't be doing that. And then I thought nothing more of it, until....

This afternoon I walked in the kitchen. Jari had just returned from playing with a friend and we were heading out to soccer practice. And my eyes popped out of my head as I watched him slug down his yogurt drink straight from the container. Ï pointed my finger at him and said "Hey, you can't do that." As he continued drinking the last little sip, he pulled the bottle from his mouth and said "There, it's all gone!" Seems there are a few of us not listening in this household...and also learning from their, uhm, mom!!! OOps!

Cookies For Dinner

My son's eyes were twinkling. His voice was a high-pitched shrill as he asked "Do we REALLY get cookies for dinner?" As I set the table with little plates and a glass of milk, the smell of fresh-baked cookies wafting through the air, I was happy with my decision to have cookeis for dinner. Who would have thought? So, after a very late lunch and not too hungry family, my boys were thrilled with their wonderful surprise. They sat down to have dinner without the usual fight of "What is that?" "Yuck!" "I'm not eating that!" and ate their dinner up without a single question or whine. Cookies for dinner, indeed. And sparkling eyes proved it was a once in a lifetime treat!!!

De Splinter

Yesterday was Labor Day in Belgium. The kids were home and I didn't feel like doing nothing, so we took Papa to work and headed off for a day of fun. I did a little research online and discovered a park not far from Erwin's work, called De Splinter. That's where we went, and boy, am I glad we did. It was a treasure of a playground, all different areas for differing activities. There was a building center, a pirate island, a regular playground, soccer field, swimming pool, and a petting zoo. We spent nearly ALL day at this park, not even exiting the gates to discover the rest of the park in which houses this "playground". The boys LOVED it and even managed to swim in the pool. We built a hut from wood and captured some tadpoles. We played with the baby goats and wandered through the paths in the pirate forest searching for treasures. We had a picnic lunch sitting in the sun, and just had a really terrific day together. Kaeden came up with the reasoning behind the name: Mom, they have a bunch of wood where you can get splinters, so that's why they call it The Splinter. I was impressed as that didn't even cross my mind. Jari loved crossing the bridges onto the pirate island and manning the boat complete with skull and crossbones. I enjoyed the sunshine, getting a bit of color and moving our possessions from one playplace to the next. I'm so glad we spent the day as we did. It was peaceful and fun, and I came away feeling like the mom I want to be...involved, active, and happy. And so were my lil guys!

We went to pick Papa up from work and got to tour his office building. He is on the 7th floor with a really nice view of the city. We met his boss and saw his new desk and it was a great end to a great day. I wouldn't have traded it for sleeping in a bit later for anythign in the world.

Queens Day

Today we all dressed in orange to join the millions of Dutch in celebrating the Queen of Holland's birthday. We walked past hundreds of stands with people selling their goods and came away with one purchase...a soccer trophy Jari just had to have. Our house is already over-cluttered and though I saw plenty of games I would have loved to buy, our game-cupboard is also bursting at the seams. And yes, we play a lot of games, but yet another choice just didn't seem quite worth the euro today. So, it was more just a walk around people watching day, which was plenty satisfying. We also managed to climb the Weert church tower, and after the 60+ meter tinyspiral staircase took my breath away, so did the amazing views from the top. We even managed to look into the south-south east direction and see the church tower of our own village, which was quite exciting for some rather odd reason. I loved looking over the roofs of all the buildings I regularly walk by, and even discovered yet another parking lot in the city which I didn't know existed. Now to try and figure out how to get there. The rooftop of McDonald's, which is housed in a very old building, was beautiful, different colored shingles creating a diamond pattern that you never see from below. Every visit in a tower I have taken reminds me why the panting is worth it!

We went to a building center to grab a few bags of potting soil and managed to get in on special Queen's Day bargains, so we came away with 6 bags instead of 2, but we always manage to use it up getting our plants potted....and considering they were giving away as many 1/2 dead flowers as you could carry, we're going to need it all!!! We all carried a few out to the car, and I'm sure we'll have their dying blooms perking up by tomorrow evening! The boys loved getting to pick out their free flowers.

We ended the evening with a BBQ by oma and opa, where the guys and I played soccer as they try to get me into shape. I always enjoy playing outside with them where they can burn off their energy and I can "let" them win and be happy, high-fiving each other as every mama loves to see.

So, Happy Birthday, Queen of Holland. I hope you enjoyed your special day as much as we enjoyed ours.

Poor People or Trash to Treasure?

Yesterday morning after Erwin left for work with a ready-for-school Jari, I heard the keys rattling in the lock...they hadn't gotten out the driveway when these words entered my day, "Another delivery for the poor people!" And I was handed a bag of fresh-washed, gently-worn Jari-sized clothing. It had been left by the door of our car, and we have no idea who it came from. However, Jari did wear one of his new t-shirts today!

The funny thing about this story is that in the past month, I have had numerous moms asking if I want their kids too-small clothes for Jari. I always say yes, heartily. No sense in buying new clothes if he can benefit from some hand me downs that sometimes still have the tags on. But, it does make me wonder...was this another bag from someone who had already given me stuff, or has word been going around town that "the poor Hollanders are willing to take your trash/treasure."

Erwin left for work with the words "What, do they all think we're too poor to buy new clothes?" I'm sure it didn't make him shake in laughter as it did me as I cleaned up our breakfast dishes. I found it really funny, finding stuff usually left on the sidewalks for goodwill to pick up, and bringing it in, this treasure too good to toss out. As soon as Jari got home from school, he inquired about where his new bag of clothes was. I couldn't help but start laughing again. Can we just say From Trash to Treasure...for it certainly was in the eyes of my very adorable five-year-old, much to his Papa's chagrin. Yep, those poor people down the road....hahaha

Oma is jarig!

Hartelijk Gefeliciteerd met je 64e verjaardag, dear omam!!!

Jij bent zo'n lieve vrouw en je verdien zoveel meer dan wat wij aan jou kan geven. In de jaren dat ik in Europa ben, heb ik in jou een echte vriendin gevonden, en jij bent eens mens dat ik kan altijd naartoe gaan als ik problemen of vragen heb, maar ook als ik iets leuk heb aan te melden. Als mensen klagen over zijn schoonmoeder, vraag ik me af hoe ik zo gelukkig ben om jou in mijn leven te hebben. Sinds ik jou ken, heb ik gewoon nog een mens in mijn leven om wie geeft mij liefde, zorg, en steun. En niet alleen mij, maar ook mijn man en kinderen, en voor dat kan ik nooit in woorden zeggen alles wat je voor mij betekent. Het is zo ontzettend veel. Als er was geen omam, was het hier voor mij niet gelukt. Ik zie hoe je door alle omstandigheden bovenop komt, meestal nog aan het lachen, en ik wil zoals jij bent...een gelukkig en sterke vrouw, aardig en vriendelijk, maar ook indrukwekkend. Ik kijk naar jou en hoop dat ik dat van jou nog kan leren.

Ik wens je een verjaardag gevuld met alles wat je verdien...liefde, geluk, vrede, gezondheid, kracht...en dan nog veel cadeautjes natuurlijk! Want voor mij, ben je zelf een cadeautje, een vrouw met wie ik kan lachen of huilen, mijn vriendin en mijn omam, de geweldig oma van mijn kinderen, en de vrouw dat vaak weet hoe ik van binnen zit zonder te vragen. Bedankt voor alles, voor alles wat je voor ons doet, voor alles wat je voor ons betekent, en voornaamlijk voor de aanvaarding van mij...want ik voel me hier echt een deel van je gezin, en dat voelt heel prettig.

Happy Birthday to a very special person. And thank you!

Love, Tera

Scary

There's nothing in the world that makes you more thankful for what you have as when the life of someone you love passes before your eyes. Yesterday we celebrated a most relaxing and lovely day enjoying Valkenburg with Erwin's family. It was oma's birthday celebration and we battled the crowds watching the Amstel Bike Race to tour the caves, ride the cable car, and go on the bobsled ride. We sat on the terrace for coffee and took in the warmth of the sun. And then we headed to a wok restaurant for dinner which was a delicious feast. It was a really terrific day.

Then, as we sat at the end of the evening drinking coffee while the boys played on the playground equipment, Kaeden ran to me with the news. My baby had fallen off the top of the slide. I remember saying "Oh, no" as I quickly ran to the playground. My legs carried me to where my son was laying on the ground, and his tears were rolling down his face as he sobbed. He wasn't responding to me when I told him to look at me, and my hands began to shake as I pulled his face to look at mine and watched his eyes come into focus, asking him where it hurt. I was scared to move him for fear that he could become paralyzed, yet he was wriggling around and I finally picked him up. He was in shock, but seemed relatively okay. Still, as the family made their way outside to see what all the fuss was about, I held firm that I was taking him to the hospital immediately. Jari was still crying and complaining of his back, heart, tummy, and hand hurting as I loaded him into the car and we headed on our way.

I sat in the backseat trying to keep my baby awake when all he wanted to do was go to sleep. I made little jokes and sang funny songs as my hands shook and my heart beat double time. I looked into his face and told him time and again that he would be okay. Erwin drove quickly and when we arrived at the hospital, I carried my son in, told the reception desk what had happened with a shaky voice, and they quickly ushered us into the room. The doctor came in to examine Jari and he told him nothing hurt but his hand and his heart. We were taken to get xrays, and by then Jari seemed fine.

When the doctor came back into the room, I was already assured that Jari was fine. He was once again acting like my little rambunctious boy, looking at the medical equipment and asking questions. The doctor told us there was nothing broken and to go home and watch him for the next few days, give him tylenol for pain. And then, 30 minutes after we arrived, we were out the door and on our way home, mommy smiling with relief.

Still, in those first minutes after Jari fell from the slide, my entire life flashed before my eyes, and so did that of my son. And in those moments when fear pushed me onwards, I recognized that I have much to be thankful for. I have two happy, healthy boys that keep me on my toes and fill me with sunshine. I have a husband who rushed me to the hospital even when he didn't feel it was necessary, and I had my in-laws racing through a red light behind us to get us to the hospital where we could all relax from our stricken worries.

As I look back over those few moments of our wonderful day, I know that Jari had an angel standing by his side. He could easily have been seriuosly injured, or even had a broken bone. He could have died from a fall such as that. But he didn't have a thing wrong, and as he shows me today how he can hop on one foot, as he lines up his dominoes counting his numbers, and as he asks for oatmeal with raisins and apples czuse he's so hungry, I feel such relief and gratitude.

And I am thankful for Kaeden, who did everything right and came to tell me immediately that his brother had fallen, acting positively even as he was himself shaking in fear. As I tucked him in last night he told me he was so scared when he saw Jari fall, and that his heart was pumping. I told him that I was proud of him and he did exactly what he should have done, first comforting his crying brother, and then coming for help.

And then I think about me. I felt very uncomfortable letting the boys go play without an adult to supervise. And when I was outside playing with Jari, I told him numerous times to be careful because the slide was fast and the steps were only a tiny iron bar. And yet, I left them there to play (not that I could have stopped him from falling...that could have happened anyway). I need to learn to listen better to my mommy instincts. I need to be strong enough to say NO, you can't play here until mommy can come with you. I need to recognize that when I smell fear, I should react to it and not wait for that fear to become a reality. I was lucky. But I also learned some very important lessons. 1) Listen to my instincts 2) I have much to be thankful for and 3) I have two really terrific kids that have been trusted in my care and I love them to pieces. I don't want to have a life without them in it. And I'm glad that at least for today, I don't have to.

Angry

I want to quit feeling so angry all the time. When my family all walked out of the house this morning, I just sat down on the steps and cried my eyes out. When everyone is here, I can't wait for them to be gone, but as soon as they are gone, I feel so empty and alone, and get so mad that I have to sit in this miserable house alone yet another day of my life. If I didn't have to go out, I think I would live in my pyjamas unshowered and feeling miserable for days on end. I fly off the handle so easily and my temper is just so fragile. I hate how I react to my family. I wish I could be the same person I used to be...I used to be so carefree and happy and satisfied with my life. I could handle problems when they came my way. Now I seem to just create issues that aren't even there and then can't deal with it all. I love my three guys so very much, but I don't let them know often enough, because I let this brewing anger hold me back from happiness. What is wrong with me? Why can't I allow myself to just be happy? Why can't I give the three most important people in my life the comfort they deserve from me? There is so much I could be doing in my life, for me, for my family, for my health and for our happiness, but instead I whiddle away my days accomplishing nothing. I feel like such a failure. To myself, as a wife, and as a mom. All things I used to take such pride in.

It's just one of those days. I have a massive headache, I have a lingering cold, and I feel like I could puke every time I stand up. Even the sunshine isn't giving me hope and peace today. Maybe I should just go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. At least in a state of sleep, I wouldn't have to think and be disgusted by myself any more.

Some days I just want to go home. Back to America, where my life seemed so much more stable. If I could I would just pack up my belongings, sell my house, and be gone. I wouldn't have to try so hard to fit in, try so hard to understand and be understood, I could find a job and go off to someplace where i interacted with other people and come home refreshed and then give my family and home attention. I miss my homeland, and the family and friends I associate with America. On days like today, that's even more evident. At least I could be an American living the American dream (whatever that is???) and fit in as an American.

I know I shouldn't complain. I have a near-perfect life with everything I could ask for. I live a life of comfort but I just feel like such an outsider. And with that heavy on my heart, all the goodness I have is easily stripped away and I have nothing left of me to give. I don't feel the happiness I am deserving of, and have every access to. What a pity party for one, huh?

Morning

This morning was a typical Kaeden morning...he was being a pain and unwilling to do anything I asked with minutes left to get ready before the bus came. I was totally frustrated and yelling and screaming, being that mom that I hate to be, when suddenly I didn't know what else to do...and I grabbed my son and pulled him into a huge hearty hug. He resisted me for a minute and then I felt him relax in my arms. As I kissed his fresh-washed hair, a peace fell over me, and when I let him go, it was as if my monster child had been replaced by a happy spirit. He got ready and smiled and spoke calmly and completed all his tasks with time enough to give out kisses and say goodbye to everyone as he left for the bus. It felt so good.

What I need to remember is that fighting with Kaeden does not produce results. Knowing he is loved does. As I lowered my voice and let him know I care, his entire attitude changed. And so did mine. I'm not saying it will work every morning, nor do I expect it to, but I am happy that this morning gave me a reminder that love is the best medicine, and I hope that I can remember it in future interactions with my hard-to-handle son.

Virginia Shootings

How has the world come to this? When is it going to end? What can we do to bring peace to our world? I wish the families of the victims strength during this difficult time. Maybe it will give us all a chance to think a bit harder about what we can do, to prevent this tragedy from occurring again. It's shattering. So pointless. May God be with you all.

What does it mean?

I'm feeling a bit unsure today. Last night as I tucked Kaeden into bed, he was telling me about a game they played at camp. One kid lays tummy-down on the floor and another lays on top and the one underneath struggles to get away from the one on top. Sounds a bit more like wrestling to me than a game, but okay, innocent enough. But then came the BIG bomb...the name of the game? Verkrachtertje. What does that mean? Rapist.

This had my every last nerve standing on end. I asked Kaeden what verkracht meant and he told me, knowing full well what rape means. Where did my son learn this? And why? I have spoken to him openly about sex and sexuality since he was little, but we've never discussed rape. I hate the fact that outside influences are giving my son knowledge about such a serious issue. So, I did my best to have the talk with him last night, and can only hope that my words and the trust he shares with me will outweigh what he learns from other kids or places.

As for what happened at scouts? Well, I talked to Erwin about it and he thinks it is possible there is another meaning for verkracht in Belgium. So, I wrote a note to his teacher today asking what it means in Belgium. I will be talking to the leaders of his scout group and tell them I think such a game is completely inappropriate, whether there are dual meanings or not. Having soemone struggle to be free and calling it rape is just completely insane. It should not in any way be a game. And then there is always the possibility that Kaeden misunderstood or heard something from another kid or, or, or...but what my son has in his mind is a game of rape, and for that, I won't stand idly by.

Sometimes being a parent is so hard. I will do anything to stand up for my children and what I think is best for them. But doing it self-assured in another language where I am not 100% confident makes it that much more difficult. I want to get to the bottom of this quickly, and show my son that when I mean business, I mean business...and when I feel strongly about an issue, I will do all in my power to make certain is it righted. And hopefully one day he can stand up for what he knows is right, and put an end to a little game of "verkrachtertje" all on his own, before it gets to this point.

Baptism

It was a quiet ceremony on a hot day in Helmond. It couldn't have been more perfect, everything I was praying it would be to welcome my children into the world of the Lord. My little boys all dressed up in their "handsome" clothes and looking pretty spiffy to stand before the church and God, both answering "Ja, ik wil (yes, I will)" when the pastor asked if they chose to be baptised. The candles were lit in the tiny reed-covered chapel, and the statue of the virgin Mary stood above their heads. It was a private celebration with just our family, Erwin's godparents, and most importantly, the kids godparents. The only ones missing from the equation were my family, but that was to be expected under the circumstances. I wish they could have shared in the celebration. But, I am so happy to have my children baptised. I feel a relief I couldn't have dreamed possible, and the beautiful service that was given in honor of my children was mesmerizing. I couldn't help but shed a few tears as my children were blessed with the holy water and received a cross of oil upon their foreheads. The prayers were very relative to all that I had asked of the pastor. It wasn't an overly religious event, but more a celebration of my children as children of the Lord. I couldn't have asked for anything even slightly better.

As my boys held their baptism candles I watched in awe. I looked at their godparents sitting on the pews and thanked God yet again for giving my children such special people in their lives. People that I know care about my boys, love them in the manner that God wants them to be loved, and can give them that extra attention that they deserve. My brother Trevor, Jari's godfather, was not there to celebrate the occasion, and for that I was sorry. But Ilse, Lisa, and Erik were there, standing next to my children, these people we hand-picked to share in the lives of our children, people we trust and respect, and will have great meaning in the years to come for our sons.

Oma and Opa, I thank you yet again for helping to create this beautiful celebration. I couldn't do it without your help, as you already know. And as God blesses my children and all those close to them, may He also bless you for being so very important in my life.

Happy Feet

Today I was awakened by my little one telling me he had to use the bathroom...but it wasn't just that he needed to go, but that he had wet the bed. Oops! Not something that happens often with Jari, and he was definitely a bit embarrassed by his accident. He had a dire need to get in the bath and clean up his stinky little self. So, we trudged downstairs and turned on that glistening warm water and in he stepped. After my five minute early awakening, I was feeling okay again after my initial growls at being woken too soon. I started my morning ritual getting Erwin's food ready to take to work...and then I noticed the difference in our home, seconds after my husband came downstairs.

His feet were dancing. He had a smile plastered from one side to the other on his face. His eyes were shining. His voice was happily animated. And his happiness was definitely catching. I immediately cleared my mind of all the worries and chores I have to undertake today and started to sing in the kitchen. Erwin started making Kaeden's morning noises to "get me ready for his return", and I didn't even get annoyed, but laughed, happy that he was thinking about the safe return of our son this evening with stories to tell of his days at camp. It was really nice to see my husband so happy about today.

Why was he a bit of a "Happy Feet" this morning? Well, after weeks of 12 hour days at work, today is his last day before we....GO ON VACATION!!! Yep, tonight we're heading out to spend our traditional week away at Easter time. My husband loves vacation...well, who doesn't, but he really, really loves it! I enjoy seeing him during vacation as he relaxes from the stresses of everyday life and plays with the kids, eases into our day with late showers and breakfasts sitting around the table with an extra cup of coffee, making plans for our adventures of the day. And then as we drive off into adventure-land, we have a plan but no real worries...we take side roads to see where they will lead, we stop off at the woods to play with some sticks, we stop at a bridge to play Pooh sticks, we look for little brown signs that may lead to something interesting not listed on a tourist site, we have the radio playing and sing along, and we just enjoy our time as a family. No wonder he was happy today...his office and daily traffic adventures will be gone for an entire week, leaving him feeling renewed and refreshed. He won't need to answer telephone calls demanding deadlines, he won't have to sit through a boring meeting, he won't have to wake to the alarm clock ringing in his ear or worry if he'll find an ironed shirt in the closet. He won't have to drive behind an under the limit driver or a tractor that he can't pass. He won't have to find a parking place and take the elevator to the 7th floor and look out over the same view that he sees every day. He won't have to drink coffee from a little machine and eat bread sitting at his desk. Instead, he'll be on vacation, all that work stuff far from his mind.

Instead he'll have to play soccer outside, take a bike ride through a nature area, go on a few rides at an amusement park, watch the antics of the monkeys at the zoo, find easter eggs hidden by the bunny, eat breakfast with bacon and warm eggs and fresh-brewed coffee, sit on a terrace with a beer as we talk and watch the kids play on the playground, awaken in a little house by a pond when his mind says it's time to rise and shine, throw on a tshirt and training pants, and play, play, play just like the big kid that he can be. I love Happy Feet!

We're heading off on vacation...nope, not far away, but just over the border into Holland, just far enough away from reality for a week of freedom from life. My husband can't wait...and I can't wait for my husband to get home tonight!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is a person that deserves recognition, not only because it's her birthday, but because she is caring, giving, loving, sweet, supportive, and my best friend. She would do anything for me and for my family, but even further, she would do anything for anybody. She is the kind of person with an infectious smile and someone you know you can trust, honesty shining from her eyes. I love to hear her laugh. There are so many people that tell me what a wonderful woman my mom is. And they aren't saying it just to be nice. She is one of those honest-to-goodness wonderful people and others notice it about her. I can't tell you the number of times I have seen her help a stranger. She has a business and is often asked for help in different ways, whether it be a tank of gas or a bite to eat or a ride into town...and she always comes through. The majority of those people aren't trying to take advantage of her, but have an honest need, and she is giving enough to help them. The times she has been cheated leave her feeling completely shriveled, as she looks at people with the same cheery trust as she herself gives. Unfortunately, some people do not have her same loving spirit.

My mom, I could go on for days about all the reasons that I love her. There is nobody else in the world that I can call day or night and pour out my feelings to, knowing she will respond honestly and at the same time give me peace. She tries to keep me centered, keep me recognizing all teh goodness in my life, yet at the same time honoring my feelings by telling me she's sorry I feel as I do if I'm having a down day, or laughing with me until we're crying when I tell her a funny story. She gives so very much of herself, and I fail to tell her often enough just what a terrific mom she is.

I strive to be the kind of person that my mom is. I am much more opinionated, a bit more adventurous, and quite a lot more open than she is. Things I do and say sometimes shock her, but she just keeps her quiet opinions to herself or makes a joke to tell me what she needs me to know. She never puts me down, even when there are times I need a good kick in the butt. She helps me reach for the stars, and encourages me in all that I do. She is quite simply everything a mom should be, with just a little bit extra. There is noone like her.

So, today is her birthday, this wonderful gift of a woman that God has put upon this earth. She truly is a gift, her love shining through. I hope that today she gets back a double dose of all the good she gives. She deserves it. She deserves peace and happiness in her heart, a sunshine smile upon her face, and love that surrounds her in a tight-squeezing hug. Happy Birthday Dear Mom, may it be a day as terrific as you are. I love you.